The Best 89 Old Couple Jokes

Old couple jokes are the best! If you're looking for a laugh, check out these hilarious jokes about old people. You're guaranteed to find something that will make you chuckle.

Top 10 Funniest Old Couple Jokes and Puns

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

Daddy, what's sex?

A man was in his backyard when his 8 year old daughter comes out and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

The man things for a minute and tell himself if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know, so he goes on and tells his daughter all about the birds and the bees.

Once he was done, his daughter was sitting there, wide eyed, while his wife yells from inside, "Honey, did you tell dad dinner will be ready in a couple of secs yet?"

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom...you still awake?'

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

jokes about old couple

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.

"Whats the worse news?"

"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."

Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"

"you have Alzheimers."

Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."


I never remember silly things

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

Really? ,

one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?

Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.

Yes that's it, he exclaimed.

Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

The two troublemakers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Old Couple joke, The two troublemakers

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.

After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:

* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.

After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.

The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:

* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.

Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."

To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."

So an old couple was getting ready for bed...

...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER SEX!".

The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."

Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

You can explore old couple oldie reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean old couple oldman dad jokes. There are also old couple puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

Old couple in church...

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A real cowboy?

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".

The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said "Ok, that's great", finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.
When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.
"Good" he said. "Now that we've cleared out your sinuses let's work on your hearing."

An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.

She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."

"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.

"But what about the smell?" she asks.

The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."

Old Couple joke, An old married couple are driving down the road.

An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...

...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her knee.

"Ow! What's that for?"

"That's for knowing the difference."

Two old couples are going for a walk.

The women are up ahead and the guys are about 50 feet behind them. One guy says "We went to a really nice restaurant last week. I wish I could remember the name of it. What's the name of that flower? Smells nice, has thorns on the stem."

"A rose?"

"Yeah, that's it. ROSE, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT?"

An old couple gets pulled over and...

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."


A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy

"Sir, I'm going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse's testicles. That's just inhumane."

"WHAT'S HE SAYIN'?", the old man asked his wife.

"I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake."

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...

flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.

She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.

The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."

The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:

"...underwater".

--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest

An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.

"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.

"Keep sending them!"

An old American was visiting Paris and spend couple minutes at immigration control looking for his passport.

- "Monseigneur, have you ever been in Paris before?" asked officer impatiently.
- "Oh yes I have, but I didn't really have to show it" responded older gentleman.
- "Not possible, you always show passport to French officer"
-"Well the last time I landed in Normandy, I could not find a single
Frenchman to show my passport"

60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"

She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"

They continue to rocking on the porch.

A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"

Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

Old Couple joke, An elderly couple sits in church

Two old friends meet in bar...

[translated from Turkish]

-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!

-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while

-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?

-Mais biensur !

-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!

-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.

-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.

Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?

-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.

-Oh cool! Thx!

-Mais de rien !

-oh! stfu already...

Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?

- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)

[probably not the best written joke :/]

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

How do you feel about sex?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'


The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually

2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.

They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."


Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

Getting in bed

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"

The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

A guy interviews an elderly couple

During the interview, the old man asks his wife "Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen.

The interviewer asks "Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"

The old man then said "Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name"

An 80 year old couple are talking with each other

"I've heard your memory is the first to go in old age," says the old man.

"I've heard your hearing is the first to go," says the old woman.

"What did you say?" he asks.

"I can't remember," she says.

I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl...

...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

An old man walks up to a couple of stoners smoking a joint, and says,

Don't you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?

One of the potheads turns to him and replies, I don't know, and I don't care.

My 16 year old cousin Mary finally got her period today.

So, that was a tense couple of years for me.

Saw an old couple arguing at each other in public yesterday

Apparently one of them is going to be president

My girlfriend has this really weird fetish

She likes to pretend she's 13 years old when we have sex.

I don't know why, she'll be 13 in a couple of years anyway.

An old couple is laying in bed when the old lady remembers that she needs some money for groceries...

She whispers into the old man's ear: "Can you lend me $100? ".
The man answers: "Sorry dear but I can't hear you. You know this ear of mine is deaf, try the other ear".
The old lady scoots and whispers into his other ear: "Can you lend me $200?".
The old man is astonished and replies: "Can you whisper into my $100 ear again?"

An old couple is sitting in church

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."

"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."

An old woman walked into a sex toy shop...

She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

Morris went to doctor for a physical

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...

and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"

"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."

The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"

"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."

"And where was He born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a manger."

"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent him a room!"

Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar..

A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar

One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along...

...One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"

She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."

Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, 'I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.'
The old man says, 'What?' So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, What?'
So the doctor yells it: 'I NEED A URINE SAMPLE A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!'
With that the old man's wife turns to her doddery husband and says, 'He needs a pair of your underwear'.

Classic church joke

An old couple was sitting in church when the wife says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband responded, "Change the batteries in your hearing aids."

How many women have you slept with?

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling, the man replied proudly. With all the others I was awake."

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years.

It was horrifying when I did the math.

An old married couple are sitting at the table

The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.

"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.

The wife says "For 50 years of bad sex."

A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.

The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"

The husband says "For knowing the difference."

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.

Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?

Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

A couple in an old people's home we're having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob.

Margaret said to Egbert 'What does Dorothy have that I don't?
Egbert replied 'Parkinsons'.

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"

"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

An old married couple were sitting on the porch enjoying the sunset.

The old woman suddenly turned to her husband and smacked him across his face.

The old man was shocked. "Now why the hell you'd do that for, Ethel?"

"That was for forty years of bad sex," she said smugly.

A couple minutes passed and then the old man turned to his wife and slapped her back even harder.

"What the heck was that for, Harold?"

"That's for knowing the difference!"

An old married couple are in church one Sunday…

when the woman turns to her husband and says, I've just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do? .

The husband turned to her and says, Replace the battery in your hearing aid.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"

The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"

The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"

The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"

A very very Very old joke :)

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…

An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?

I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?

She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.

One of my favorite old Egyptian Jokes

There was some men gathered together, one of them said "if you're scared of your wife, move to the left a couple steps"
Everyone moved except one. So he asked the one guy "why didn't you move?"
He said "my wife told me stay put in this spot."

A couple was sitting at a bench in the park

They looked rather sad, so an old lady went up to them, looking rather concerned

Old lady: Are you ok? Why do you guys look so sad?

Man: Come sit down with us and you will understand

So the old lady sat down beside him, waiting for an explanation

Old lady: So, what is bothering you two?

Woman: The bench is freshly painted

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...

As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekly.

"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"

"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."

Why did you ask?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Officer: "the floor is still wet."

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

An Old Couple Sat Down To Eat Breakfast

Wife: Honey, do you know what today is?

Husband: I believe it is our 50th wedding anniversary.

Wife: Thats right. Do you remember what we were doing right now 50 years ago?

Husband: We were sitting at this very table, eating breakfast naked.

Wife: Thats right. Want to do it again?

Husband: Sure.

*both remove clothes and sit back down*

Wife: Honey, my breasts are as hot as they were 50 years ago.

Husband: Yes they are, one is in your coffee and one is in your oatmeal.

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man driving just steps on the breaks and pulls a shotgun and screams " now you drink or I blow your head of" the guy does what he's told and takes a sterdy sip. After the old man goes: "Good, now you aim at me so I can have drink too"

Old Buddy Hackett Joke:

A very young amorous couple were walking through a cemetary and feeling frisky . So the woman lay down on a grave marker and they made love. A week later the woman's back is still hurting her , so she sees a doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe, then tells her to turn around to examine her back . The doctor asks her," How old are you?". She says ," I'm 20 years old, why do you ask." The doctor replies, " Because your ass says you died in 1898."

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.

The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.

The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool boy has had with every woman in the neighborhood except one, do you know anything about that?" She replies "hmm, I bet it's Betty, she's a real prude."

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...

"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."

The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."

The priest nodded and then raised an eyebrow. "Twice a week? That's got to be pretty expensive!"

"Not at all," said the old man. "She goes out on Thursdays, and I go out on Sundays."

What's your dogs name?

An elderly couple were outside one day enjoying the fine weather. The wife was sitting on the porch. The old man was in the yard playing with their dog. A little girl walked by and was delighted to see the dog and said, hello mister, I like your dog, what's its name.? The old man paused for second and said, uh what's the name of that pretty flower, it's red. The little girl says , you mean a rose? The old man says yeah that's it! And he looks towards the porch and yells, HEY ROSE, WHAT DID WE NAME THE DOG?

An 80yr old couple had been arguing for months.

After having enough the husband said that's it I'm going to leave you for a 20 year old.

The wife said that's fine I'll find me a 20 year old as well.

Just remember 20 goes into 80 a lot more than 80 goes into 20.

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you? The one dollar bill said, You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.

A forgetful husband

An old couple sit in their living room when the wife starts complaining to her husband. "You are getting more and more forgetful, it's terrible, you never bring me what I asked for." He rejects this claim and says: "This is not true, I'll prove you wrong and bring you some food from the kitchen. What do you want?" The wife asks him for a cheese sandwich and he leaves for the kitchen. After a while he returns with a piece of apple pie. The wife looks at him and says: "See, I was right. You forgot the cream."

My dad's joke: You see an older couple holding hands.

The older couple are laughing and apparently very much in love.

Mom: Wow look at that, old but still passionate.

Dad: I know them. They've been married for 40 years.

Mom: Oh wow really?

Dad: Yeah, just not to each other!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the old couple newly married couple puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working old couple newly wed couple piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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