Old Car Jokes
124 old car jokes and hilarious old car puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old car that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Old Car Short Jokes
Short old car jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old car humour may include short used car jokes also.
- I washed the car with my 5 year old son today. When we finished, he said, Next time dad, can you use a sponge?
- I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?" I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."
- My 8 year old daughter made this up today. Why did the car have a belly ache? Because it had gas.
- I wanted to tell my children a story about a ship that brings cars from one side of the river to the other But then I noticed that they're too old for ferry tales.
- I bought my 5-year-old a toy iPhone that looks like a real one Now someone keeps calling about an extended warranty on his Little Tikes car.
- My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car. She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!
- A joke from my 10-year-old - what kind of car would a mouse or rat drive? A Mouse-or-ratty
- A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE But she was no match for my car
- A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?" wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive
- An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country... ...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
Share These Old Car Jokes With Friends
Old Car One Liners
Which old car one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old car? I can suggest the ones about foreign car and car part.
- Did you hear about the guy who traded his car for an old cellphone? Now he's got Nokia
- My car was stolen and crashed by a gang of 14 year olds It was a minor collision
- What do Tesla cars smell of? Elon's Musk! (thanks 7 year old son!)
- Before Elon Musk got into electric cars... ... he was plain old Lon Musk
- Why do black people buy old police cars? They never got to ride in the front seat.
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get hit by car!
A joke from my 5 year old! - From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car? A comfortible
- Old joke: I went to Vegas in a $20k car ... and returned in a $200k greyhound bus
- A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?
You can't you idiot! - I like my women like I like my cars 21 years old and full of issues.
- Why wouldn't the old lady park her own car anymore? Cause she had parkingsons.
- Why did the old car with bald tires stop working? It was re-tired.
- What are the similarities between cancer and a old car. It kinda grows on you.
- A 40 year old man goes to buy a car.... and all he can afford is a base model civic.
- I've got the body of a twenty year old. It's in the trunk of my car.
Fun-Filled Old Car Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about old car you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wooden car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old car pranks.
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Wild little old ladies.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get s**... ....so we're just waiting.
Lover's Lane
A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
Three women and ducks
Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to
a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow, stands up and
proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every
year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their
children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if
the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary
and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school
education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free s**....'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you
to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.
An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...
...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
As I was paying for a 15 year old e**... I thought...
...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.
What car brands mean
Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge
Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
Fiat- Fix It Again Tony
Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, s**..., Automotive Nonsense
GM-Gluteus Maximus
GMC-God's Mechanical Curse
LTD-Long, Thin Dumpster
Oldsmobile-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something s**....
A daughter is riding in a car with her elderly mother...
Her mother runs through a red light, and the daughter is concerned her mom may be too old to drive but chooses not to say anything. A few minutes go by, and her mother runs through a second red light. The daughter becomes increasingly worried. As tactfully as possible she asks, "Mom, do you realize you've driven through two red lights just now?" The mother replied, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
True Story from South Carolina
A real estate agent said she saw a for sale sign leaned against a stump in front of a house. She saw a car in the driveway and decided to stop and inquire about the property. She rang the bell, an old man appeared, she explained who she was and asked how much the house was listed for. The old man laughed and said "Lady the house aint for sale, the stump is."
A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them.
the other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"
Four old guys go golfing...
And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."
My 3 year old told me a joke on our way home from pre-school.
From her car seat yells up to me, "Knock knock, Daddy!"
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!!
Another jewish gag
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
A cop sees a car going slowly down the highway...
The cop pulls the car over and sees an old lady at the wheel, and three passengers who look terrified.
"Ma'am, were you aware you were going 34 miles an hour in an 80 zone?"
"I saw it say 34 on the sign"
"Ma'am, that's the route number. Why does everyone in your car look so traumatized?"
One of the passengers says in a shaky voice "We just got off of route 137."
An old man goes in to town...
An old man decides to go into town one day to run some errands. On the way back, his wife calls his cell phone.
"Look out honey, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate."
"Not just one car, they all are!"
Graveyard shortcut
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
70 year old man asked his wife...
Do you feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?
Wife: No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it.
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
What's the difference between Caitlyn Jenner and a 6 year old pretending to be a T-Rex?
The 6 year old never killed anyone with a car
A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...
A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."
5 minutes
A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."
What do you call a cow that gets hit by a car?
A dead cow!
(My 5-year old made up this joke)
The age old question...
The age old question, if I paint my car black will it stop working or will it run faster?
A man attends his wife's f**....
His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.
The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."
"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I got her pretty good the first two times!"
Four guys in a BMW found a parking place.
But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says:
'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. '
'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.'
That's three agains two now.
You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.
A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Why do jazz musicians prefer to drive c**... old cars?
Because they're always making a new sound.
Bartering with Beer
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less self almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow,
would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
"Depends on what kind of beer you've got!"
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up
It read unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who's working on the car it can fix it. I did just that and it restored my old saves!
Thank god for that game mechanic
When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold
And when he got to America he found out three things:
1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them
[old Shelley German joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]
President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
I bumped into an old school friend today
He was going on and on about how expensive his new car was.
So long story short my insurance rates are going up.
You know you're getting old when...
You don't panic at the sight of a cop car behind you in traffic.
I saw this poor old man laying unconscious in his car earlier today.
I'm assuming he was poor, he only had $3 in his wallet.
Degree
I was waiting for a green light when I saw an elderly woman walking with a small child.
The excited young girl was walking slightly faster than the old lady, so the woman yelled, Degree! Wait for me!
Intrigued by such a unique name, I got out of the car and asked why she called the girl Degree.
She said, Well, I sent her mother to college to get an education, and she came home with this instead.
Credit to u/Princess_Kookie
An old Russian anecdote
I was driving to work one morning when I saw a woman in a neighboring car doing her makeup at the wheel. I was so surprised that I nearly dropped my razor into my coffee!
A young man is taking a driving test
The instructor describes a situation: "You're driving along and suddenly there are two people in front of you. A bit to the left there's an old hag and a bit to the right there's a beautiful young woman. Your car can't make it between them. What do you do?"
The young man says: "Well I'll go for the old hag."
The instructor shakes his head and says: "Really? You won't hit the brakes?"
When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..
..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.
Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?
So she could wake up oily in the morning.
I've got an old project car that I named after my wife.
I haven't turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.
An old woman hears a knock on her door and opens it to see a man standing there, hat in hand.
I'm terribly sorry but I ran over your cat with my car.
The old woman breaks down in tears and starts crying uncontrollably.
The man says I know it won't be the same but I'd really like to replace your cat.
The woman stops crying for a moment, looks up, and says I don't know........ how are you at catching mice?
A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...
...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.
Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.
Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why are these other three women looking so terrified?
Old Lady: Ohhh, that's because we just got off of highway 145.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".
I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."
"I got her!''
A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
Two guys driving in the highway with broken side mirror car
The driver wants to switch lanes and tells the passenger: Can you look if there any car is coming
The passenger turns and looks back and says: No there's no car coming .
Driver turns the signal on and proceeds to change the line and huge truck hits them.
Driver turns to passenger and screams: YOU SAID THERE WAS NO CAR!!!
The passenger replies: YOU SAID CAR, NOT A TRUCK!
P.S. old joke that my father told me
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
I went to a car dealership with my wife
We were intending to swap our old Ford to a newer one. The salesman sees us climb out of our car, comes up and says: "Is that an e**...?"
Me: "No this is my wife"
A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out
As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.
Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."
"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home owner excitedly replies, "and dem boat for sale!"
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
A Cop on patrol sees a car in a deserted parking lot (Long)
So he walks over to it and sees and older man in the front seat and a skimpy dressed young woman in the back reading a book. He knocks on the door and the man rolls down the window.
"Can I help you officer?"
"What are you doing?" The cop asked.
"I am just listening to music." The cop pointed at the girl
"And her?"
"She is just reading a book." The cop is a little worried about the age difference between the pair."
"How old are you?"
"I am 45."
"And her?" The man looks at his watch.
"In 11 minutes and 23 seconds she will be 18."
I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...
My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."
A cop sees a car parked in the local Lover's Lane with the windows all steamed up.
He goes over and taps on the window. The guy inside rolls it down.
The cop looks inside and sees the fellow sitting behind the wheel, fully dressed. There's a young lady sitting in the back seat, also fully dressed.
The cop says, "What are you doing out here?"
Guy says, "I'm watching a video on my phone."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's on Facebook."
"What's going on here? How old are you, son?"
"I'm twenty."
"And how old is she?"
"In...thirteen minutes she'll be eighteen."
An american comes back to the old country and is trying to explain his childhood friend what america is all about. "I jump in my truck in the morning and drive all day, and by night I still have not reached the other side of my farm"
"I know, I got a car just like that"
Just In Time
A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. "And what is she doing?" "She's knitting," the young man answered. "How old are you?" the cop asked suspiciously. "I'm twenty one," the man answered. "And how old is she?" the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, "In forty five minutes she'll be eighteen."
Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for $100.
She handed him the papers and the car keys.
Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said, "I shall die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied, "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where it's written that the money received from the sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary ..."
My ten year old daughter made this one up… thought it was pretty good. What's the least expensive type of car?
Afford.
Hello darkness my old friend
I've come to talk with you about your car's extended warranty
An old man is driving a car on a busy freeway
He receives a call from his concerned daughter.
"Dad, please be careful! I just saw on the news some idiot is driving the freeway on the wrong side of the road."
"One idiot? There are literally hundreds of them!"
