Old But Gold Jokes
46 old but gold jokes and hilarious old but gold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old but gold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Old But Gold Short Jokes
Short old but gold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old but gold humour may include short oldie but goodie jokes also.
- While digging a hole today I found a bunch of old gold coins. I ran in to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging a hole. - Human-beings get rich as they grow old: Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas! - My grandfather's new 21 year old wife denies she's a gold digger but I think it's a little suspicious she married him less than a week after his death.
- Old, but gold A woman goes to the market.
She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"
The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one" - My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets! Can't believe gavisgon...
Old but gold. - So I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found... these really old gold coins so I ran into my house to tell my wife about them, then I remembered why I was digging the hole...
- What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesnt scream when its put in the oven.
Old but gold, Ive been sitting on that for awhile and I see we're doing Jew jokes now. - A man in 1867 decided to have himself be coated in gold to stay young forever, now he's... Old but gold
- Losing all your friends. G(old) A man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends." - Did you hear about the old prospector who accidentally swallowed a gold nugget? I saw him digging through is f**..., so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was just mining his own business.
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Old But Gold One Liners
Which old but gold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old but gold? I can suggest the ones about old classic and oldie.
- Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
- Why do Norwegian boats have barcodes on them? (Old but gold) To Scandinavyin
- Old but gold What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit the frog's middle finger - What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron? I'm gonna be witch.
- This one's old but actually gold. Welcome Stranger.
- A friend of mine told me a classic joke about chemist studying gold It was old but Au
- Old but gold Buddha statue
Old But Gold Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about old but gold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old wise jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old but gold pranks.
the greenhorn
A greenhorn comes from back east to try his hand at prospecting. He buys his gear and heads off into the hills. He has a couple of lonely weeks, with a little bit of success finding gold.
He's sitting by his campfire one evening when this crusty old prospector shows up and says "Howdy there, neighbor. My spot's just over the hill there. I wanted to invite you a party."
Greenhorn: "That sounds wonderful! I haven't seen a soul in weeks!"
Prospector: "I got to warn ya though...there's likely to be some dancin'!"
Greenhorn: "I love to trip the light fantastic! I'll bring my dancing shoes."
Prospector: "I got to warn ya...there'll be drinkin'!"
Greenhorn: "Oh, don't worry, I can hold my liquor."
Prospector: "There's likely to be some fiightin'."
Greenhorn: "I'm not inexperienced when it comes to fisticuffs!"
Prospector: "There'll be ... fornication."
Greenhorn: "Well...it is the Wild West...and I have not seen a lady in quite some time."
The prospector nods gruffly to himself and begins to leave. The greenhorn says, "Say, what should I wear to this soiree?"
The prospector pauses and says, "Oh, any old thing...it'll just be you and me."
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this
time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why
didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
through?""
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a p**...."
"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a p**..., Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."
"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Irish p**...- An old joke but still good!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a p**......."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a p**... dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
A woman and a Rabbi
So, an old woman goes to her Rabbi and says "I just won a hundred million dollars in the lottery!"
Her Rabbi Replies "That is wonderful, what are you going to do with all that money?"
"First, I'm going to donate twenty five million dollars to charity."
"You will do so much good with that money" The Rabbi says
"Then, I will keep twenty five million for myself."
To which the Rabbi says "You deserve the money, you have done so much good in your life."
"The rest of the money will be for building a gold statue of h**...."
The Rabbi furiously replies "But he has done so much evil to our people, why would you do such a thing?"
The old woman pointed at her wrist and says "He gave me the winning numbers."
Elderly Woman and Her Cat
An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."
The orchestra's new trumpet player
A local orchestra's trumpet player just died of old age. They start auditions so they can find a new one.
The judges call in the first candidate. He walks in wearing a beautifully tailored dark tuxedo. He pulls out an incredibly expensive trumpet. His trumpet case is lined with red velvet. He brings the gold plated instrument up to his mouth and starts playing.
And wow, he's terrible. The judges cringe as he clumsily stumbles through a few messy runs. Nearly everything he plays is hideously out of tune. They send him away and bring in the next candidate.
This guy looks exactly opposite from the other guy. His hair is messy. He hasn't showered in weeks. His beard has food particles in it. He opens a crumpled brown paper bag and pulls out a rusty trumpet. He shakily puts the instrument to his lips and starts playing.
And man, *he was worse.*
Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *p**...* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *p**...* She turns into a beautiful young woman.
Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *p**...* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!
Man and wife visit the super bull farm.
They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly.
They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. He is a beast! This one, the manager explains proudly can do the business every other day without fail.
Wow.. Says the wife, with sideways look at her husband .. I'm very impressed.
Then the manager shows them Rocky, the triple gold medal bull. Rocky here, he says patting the muscular r**... of a steaming hot stomping beast, is a every single day boy.. 365 copulations a year.
The wife looks at her sulking husband. Now that's what I call a super stud!
Yes.. he says, scratching his chin,
but I bet Rocky here doesn't have to sleep with the same old cow every night.
Old Joe and the miner
A grizzled old miner comes out of the wilderness and steps into the pub. Pulling out a gold nugget and placing it on the bar he asks the bartender "You got any whiskey in this establishment?"
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I'm not into that sort of thing."
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of thing after all, who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He's not into that sort of thing either."
Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School
They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.
"Aay, G."
Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"
When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold
And when he got to America he found out three things:
1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them
[old Shelley German joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]
Four men are stuck on a desert island...
Four men are stuck on a desert island, but one of the men suddenly drops dead.
The remaining three men decides the best way to survive is that they eat his dead body, and that they should decide who gets what by which football team they support.
The 1st guy says: "I support Liverpool, so I should get the liver"
The 2nd dude says; "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest"
The 3rd male human says: "I support Arsenal, and I think I've lost my appetite..."
Old but gold ;)
An old and gold jokes
I'm gonna be a t**... & kill 1000 people and a monkey
Why do you wanna kill a monkey?
See ! No One Cares about the 1000 people
My dad walked in on me w**... before, He said, "Son, Don't do that, you'll go blind."
I replied, "Dad, I'm over here."
Old but gold
And the LORD said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Old but gold.
Stolen off the internet. Enjoy
A stranger gave me a really old metal box...
He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.
So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys later if it works or not.
A man asks that he be buried with a suitcase of gold
An old man asks his family that, when he dies, they take all his savings, convert them into gold bars, put them into a suitcase, and bury the suitcase with him.
The family obliges and, upon his death, buries the suitcase with him.
The man arrives at the gates of heaven with his suitcase. The angel at the gates is curious and asks what he has there with him.
"See for yourself!" exclaims the man and opens up the suitcase for the angel to see.
The angel looks at the contents of the suitcase, and then back at the man, confused "Pavement?"
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
Olympian
An old man goes up to a p**.... He says how much do you charge? . She says €150 . He replies I've got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60's . She says that'll do , takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approaches, how much do you charge? he asks. €200 she says. Are you any good? he then asks. Well I've two Olympic gold medals
24-year old Tai Jinhai came in first during the Beijing Marathon, but they gave the gold medal to the son of a prominent party official instead.
To this day, the Chinese government refuses to acknowledge Tai won.
Dad! I accidentally stepped on this butterfly…
Well you know what that means son, no butter for you for a month. The boy was upset and went back into the house. The next day the boy was playing in the garden again.
Dad! I accidentally killed a honeybee. The father looks at his son.
Well no honey for you for a month. The boy was upset and went inside the house. A few hours later the boy went up to his dad.
Dad! Mom just killed a cockroach.
(Old but gold lol)
old but gold
Just sat next to a bloke in the pub, he takes his wallet out and pulls a photo of his wife from it. He showed it to me and said, Isn't she stunning?
I replied, if you think she is stunning you should see my wife.
Why? Is she a model?
No, I replied, she's an optician.