Old Birthday Jokes

111 old birthday jokes and hilarious old birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about old birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Old Birthday Short Jokes

Short old birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The old birthday humour may include short birthday old jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday. I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
  2. My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

    "thirty-second birthday."
  3. I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward... ...probably because I wasn't invited...
  4. How can you tell which two year old birthday party is for the anti- vaxxer's kid? It's the one being held in the cemetery.
  5. What did the pirate say on his birthday? Yarr, me parties!
    (I told this to my 8-month old and she burst into tears, so I know it's good!)
  6. A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"
  7. What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party? Happy birthday.
  8. How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
  9. My 19 year-old son made a wish on his birthday... The doctor told us it doesn't work like that anymore.
  10. What do you call a video of a birthday party for a seventy year old breast cancer survivor ? "Not your proudest fap."

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Old Birthday One Liners

Which old birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with old birthday? I can suggest the ones about getting old birthday and old man birthday.

  1. How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age
  2. You know you're old... When your birthday candles cost more than the cake.
  3. Did you hear about the 30 year old virgins' birthday party? It was celibatory
  4. On a pirate's birthday, I asked him how old he was His response: "Aye matey"
  5. What did the old zombie dog say when she got a birthday bone? *My hip!*
  6. What's Drake doing on his birthday? An 18 year old.
  7. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
  8. What did the wine glass say to the beer mug turning 1 years old? Have a hoppy birthday!
  9. I managed to trick my 8 year old cousin into giving me head phones for my birthday.
  10. Yo momma's so old, the fire department is on standby when you light her birthday cake.
  11. Happy birthday is my favorite song. Because it never gets old.
  12. What did the old man get for his birthday? Cancer.
  13. What do you give your 13 year old son for his birthday? An e**...

Getting Old Birthday Jokes

Here is a list of funny getting old birthday jokes and even better getting old birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You know you're getting old when... By the time you've lit the last candle on the birthday cake, the first one has burned out.
  • You know you're getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
  • My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
  • What did the blind, innocent, sweet, paraplegic 7 year old boy get for his birthday? Cancer.

You Are So Old Birthday Jokes

Here is a list of funny you are so old birthday jokes and even better you are so old birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An old, hoary pirate was having a birthday party. Someone asked him, "I'd guess you're turning 79, is that right?"
    The pirate replied, "Aye matey"
  • Yo momma's so old.... ....that her birthday expired. I also saw with her a copy of the Bible, signed personally by Jesus.
  • Happy Birthday! You're now living proof of the old saying that "Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
  • I'd like to say the best moment of a woman's life is giving birth, but it's actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.
  • Today is Stevie Nicks' birthday. She is 67 years old. I wonder what that is in goat years?
  • I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbow and fairies!" Ok, l**... it is!
  • I asked my 5 year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday? She said, she wanted unicorns,fairies and rainbows.
    l**... it is then.
  • I asked my father for a 30-year-old e**... for my birthday... He brought home a 30-year-old Ford e**... instead.

Cheerful Fun Old Birthday Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about old birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean birthday old man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make old birthday pranks.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

I have a brother living in Germany, and his daughter's birthday is coming up.

I wasn't sure exactly how old she'd be turning, but I knew she was almost 10. So I called her up and asked her, "Are you turning 8?" To which she replied, "Nein."

Why do women have babies? [First] [Terrible Xmas Joke from 95 Year old Grandpa]

Because they take it too seriously when men poke them in good fun.
I know, I know, this is absolutely terrible. But my 95 year old grandpa just said it at his birthday dinner with the rest of the family around... after hitting on 4 women at the restaurant old enough to be my mother. Oy.

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

Grammer is important

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**..., took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...

...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.
It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.

It was an old man's 80th birthday...

It was an old man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift. After some discussion they decide to have a h**... come to his house that night and give him the time of his life. Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and sees a h**... standing there in a s**... outfit. The h**... says to the old man "I'm here to give you super s**...!" The old man thinks for a second and says to the h**... "I'll take the soup".

Water p**...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Nihilistic Kindergartners

David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.

Why is 18 year old Scotch better than a 18 year old girl?

An 18 y.o. Scotch is less expensive, and you don't have to remember it's birthday. An 18 y.o.Scotch does not care if you try another Scotch. An 18 y.o. Scotch is mature, well mannered and good alone or shared. An 18 y.o. Scotch won't make you look like a child m**.... And most impotantly, a 18 y.o. Scotch doesn't try to talk to you.

A man has his 98th birthday

A man has his 98th birthday. They wheel in a giant cake, and a s**... 21-year-old blonde jumps out.
She whispers to him "I can give you some super s**...."
So the old man replies, "Well then, I'll have the soup."

I'm your Birthday Present

It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a h**... for his Birthday.
The h**... went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for supersex" she answers.
Jim replies "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll just have the soup."

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

The Old African King

There was once a highly respected King of an African tribe. Every year since his thirtieth birthday, he had been given a brand new throne to sit in for the year. Each year, the new throne far surpassed the beauty and value of the one prior to it. The problem was, each person in this tribe lived in grass huts, so the king had no choice but to put his old thrones in his attic.
So, on his sixtieth birthday, the king had room for only one more throne in his attic. His servants took it up, and as they sat it down the ceiling came crashing down onto the king and killed him.
Moral of the story: those who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.

This man was a really hard worker...

He worked day in, day out, and put all of his energy into his job. One day his friend was visiting. His friend said "So, it's your birthday coming up, and I was wondering what you wanted." The man replied "Man, all I want is a break, but I don't want to have to wait until my birthday for it." After a little more conversing, his friend left. A while later, he came back to the man and said "Sorry it took so long, I had to take my bike apart!"
This joke was made up by my 10 year old brother, and he wanted me to share it with you guys, so here it is!

So, I ran into my old Geography Teacher the other day...

and he invited me to his birthday party.
"It's a Geography themed fancy dress party." he said with a grin.
"How's that going to work?" I asked.
"Well, for instance, I'm going as a large Island off the coast of Italy."
"Don't be sicily" I replied...

One morning, Harry wakes up..

...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win.
It comes in third.

Birthday at the old-age home

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous b**... blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."

So it's an old man's 99th birthday...

...and his caretakers decide to hire a p**... for him. So they find one who's into old guys and set it all up. She bursts into the old man's room, all s**... up and looking great. She walks up to him and seductively says: "Tonight, I'm going to give you some SUPER s**...."
The old man looks at her and says, feebly: "... I'll take the soup!"

Birthday Joke full funny

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.
" So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

An old, old man goes into a confessional.

He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."
The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"
The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all s**... all night long."
"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."
"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!!"

A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...

So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.
"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.
"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"

It's a Jewish man's 95th birthday

His friends decided last minute they would get him a stripper. The only person available was about 70 years old.
At his party, the stripper, tassels at her knees, was giving the old man a lap dance when she said,
"Ooh baby. I'm gonna give you some supa s**... tonight!" To which he replied,
"I'll have the soup"

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:
'How old are you, sir?'
'I'm 102.'
'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'
'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'
'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'
'He's 139.'
'Okay, come back next week then.'
'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'
'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'
'He's 164.'
'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'
'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)

It's old man Jenkin's 94th birthday at the old folks home

He asked a member of staff "young woman, how old are you?"
The woman replied "why, I'm 24"
Old man Jenkins says "do you know how many times 94 can go into 24?"
The woman says "I have no idea"
Jenkins whispers in her ear "meet me after scrabble practice and we can find out"

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A hundred year old woman from Texas was asked the secret to longevity.

On her birthday the local news came by and asked her the secret to long life. She said that every morning she takes a shot of whiskey and a spoonful of gunpowder with her breakfast. Her family agreed that every day for decades she had downed a spoonful of gunpowder. She died not long after this of natural causes. She left her house to her kids, her money to charity, and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Dad bought me an e**... for my 18th birthday!

I was a little disappointed when she turned out to be old, smelled terrible and was filfthy. She definitely had a ton of experience but she was very rusty.
I asked Dad to get his money back, I don't like Fords.

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowder with breakfast every morning. Her family confirms that this has been her religiously observed habit for decades.
Well a few years later her time comes and she passes away. According to her will she wished to be cremated. She left her house to her church, her money to her family, and a hundred foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

It's a man's 80th birthday

His buddies decide to hire him a call girl as a gift. The wheel him into a hotel room and on the bed is a gorgeous blonde. His buddies leave the room and she says "I'm here to give you super s**...!". The old man looks at her and says "I'll take the soup".

It's a Mob boss' 80th birthday

Three henchmen gathered around to see what they should do for his 80th. One of the henchmen says
The boss is old, he hasn't seen many women.
Another henchman says
We should get him something super
The third henchman says
Maybe a stripper?
All of the henchmen say at once
A super-stripper! Great idea!
They all go to a exclusive club and they sit the boss down, the henchmen pitch their idea,
Hey boss, considering we are at a club and it's your 80th birthday, we got you a super-stripper!
The boss, who is hard of hearing, replies
A what?
The henchmen all yell
The boss says back to all three henchmen,
I'll take the soup

Soup or s**...?

For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.

The 90th birthday

An elderly man is celebrating his 90th birthday down at the nursing home and all his friends decide to surprise him by getting him a present. So they wheel in this massive cake and out pops a beautiful young women who looks at the old man and says:
"Hi, I can give you some super s**...!"
So the old man says "Well uuuh... I guess I'll take the soup"

For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super s**...."
"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

Can't go wrong with soup

For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.  

My 5 year old made up a joke that I can't stop laughing at.

This joke came from my 5 year old, we have been saying knock knock jokes back and forth and he tells me his jokes that don't make sense. Today he told me this one and I don't think he realizes how funny it is. Here it is in his original wording.
*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Nobody. The man didn't answer because he is dead because he had too many birthdays.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old? Ray replies, It's easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.

The reporter is not impressed. That's insane! he says. It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or 'something.' Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 110 years! Ray looks at the reporter and says, Y'know, maybe you're right.

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!
A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!


A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an e**... popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super s**...?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."

I got my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was cool and showed it to the neighbour. He said, "that's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "no, this is an old fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?" She laughed and said...

"No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."
After a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."

An old man is celebrating his 90th birthday

And his friends pooled their money together and hired a p**... to go to his house.
The p**... knocks on the old man's door and says, "Happy birthday! I'm here to give you super s**...!"
The old man says, "I'll take the soup."

There's an old man who lives next door to me.

He wanted to get his grandson a gift for his birthday, but he couldn't remember the name.
He called me and asked me about the name of that toy that "always comes back to you".
Long story short, the boomer rang.

jokes about old birthday