Oil Jokes
148 oil jokes and hilarious oil puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about oil that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best olive oil jokes, cooking oil jokes, essential oil jokes.
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Funniest Oil Short Jokes
Short oil jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The oil humour may include short paint jokes also.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
- I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules It's okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries
- Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic. She's an essential oil worker now.
- Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil
*I'll see myself out* - I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants. The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.
- Did you know they changed the word snake to essential And people started buying the oils again.
- Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's.... Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.
- The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.
- An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked" I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..
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Oil One Liners
Which oil one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with oil? I can suggest the ones about gas and petroleum.
- The price of oil has dropped so far that... Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
- I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
- Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings. Corona did what Trump promised
- What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years? Ancient grease
- What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform? Send crudes.
- I saw a 2000 year old oil stain. It was from ancient Greece.
- What do Popeye's fingers smell like? Olive oil.
- What do Popeye and sardines have in common? They both come in olive oil.
- I like my camgirls like I like my French fries. Steaming hot and covered in oil.
- What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery? Mordor Oil
- I have the most boring job of all... I run an oil drill rig.
- How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"
- Is it crude to make oil jokes now? Nah, it's oilright.
- My car leaks so much oil that the U.S Army just invaded my driveway.
- They named a chicken joint Popeye's... ...because they stick it in Olive Oil.
Olive Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny olive oil jokes and even better olive oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.
- A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed
- Oil If:
Peanut oil is made from peanuts.
Olive oil is made from olives.
Corn oil is made from corn.
Then:
What is baby oil made from? - What did the French chef say when he was sick and tired of misplacing his olive oil? "I'm losing my huile d'olive."
- Why does Popeye's tool never rust? Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.
- What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil? He Mayo-neighs
- How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook? A drizzle.
- If we get olive oil from squeezing olives, and we get coconut oil from squeezing coconuts…. Where does baby oil come from?
- I've started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil... Then…hey…pesto!
- Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil? It gives them a huile d'olive
Baby Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby oil jokes and even better baby oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife asked me to get some baby oil. Does anyone know how to extract it?
- Almond oil is made by crushing almonds, Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.
I really feel horrible about all those babies. - If coconut oil is made with coconuts, Almond oil is made with almonds,
Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,
Then I surely know what baby oil is..... - We crush olives for olive oil, we crush walnuts for walnut oil and we crush sunflower seeds for sunflower oil So how do we make baby oil?
- What do Shell Oil and my baby daddy have in common? They both left when it got too expensive.
- TIL- Baby Powder isn't actually made out of babies. Same with Baby Oil, and why doesn't Babies 'r Us sell babies
- There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket. I never even knew that masseurs could be that young.
- Whats the difference between baby oil bottles purchased by a man and by a woman? The woman's bottle is for the baby, the man's bottle is for the woman
- When a woman goes to a pharmacy to buy baby oil its for the baby, when a man goes to buy baby oil its for the woman
- If olive oil is made from olives... What is baby oil made of?
Fish Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish oil jokes and even better fish oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me. Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit with a bottle of omega 3 capsules? He suffered super-fish-oil injuries
- I got hit in the head when someone threw a can of cod liver oil at me yesterday... Luckily the damage was just super fish oil
- My car now runs on fish oil.. It's turbot charged.
- I was biking to work today and someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me! I'm ok though. The injuries were super fish oil.
- Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness? He was too super fish oil.
- I was walking past a chemist when... I got hit with a bottle of omega-3.
Its ok I only suffered super-fish-oil injuries. - If fish oil is made out of fish... Then what's baby oil made out of?
Car Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny car oil jokes and even better car oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid" The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"
- Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year. They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil
- What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common? Chances are, both have blown a seal
- Is it possible to wish for a nice car if you find an oil lamp? Depends whether it's a Lamborghini.
- How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change? Nyet long. He's always Russian.
Cooking Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny cooking oil jokes and even better cooking oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- American intervention is kind of like my cooking... It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.
- Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.
- A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil. It turned into a Chris Pratt
- Did you hear about the chef who never understood how animal-based oils help the cooking process? For him.... The Lard works in mysterious ways!
- What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil? Cannoli Oil.
- What do disabled people cook their food wjth? Vegetable oil
- I forgot to use oil when cooking my eggs I guess you could say Black Pan Down
Entertaining Oil Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about oil you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean diesel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make oil pranks.
On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.
"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."
"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"
"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."
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From my dad: What do you get when a t**... blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a t**... brunette?
Your camera.
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Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra v**...?
Me: *tearing up* No it's the same price
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The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .
but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
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Americans are so lucky
Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...
...selling fridges?
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
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Yet another genie in the lamp joke
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.
He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.
When they finished the Precher asked how's my hearing?
I said idk it isn't til next week.
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An entire industry has just collapsed
v**... coconut oil is no more a thing.
Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.
They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."
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I *almost* got that...
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, Why are you standing n**... in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!
I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
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My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn't think I knew about cars
I took my car to get an oil change and they were like would you like us to rotate your tires? I was like Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over j**...!
A penguin has some car trouble...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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What do incels use for lubrication?
Extra v**... olive oil.
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Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
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Where do you get 'Extra v**...' olive oil?
Really ugly olives.
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Does anyone know where I can get a longer d**... from?
Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..
Amazon just released an oil defuser that works like Alexa but 100% controlled with your mind!!
It makes scents when you think about it..
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How do you make extra v**... olive oil from regular olive oil?
Dating advice from a Redditor.
I told my wife to make sure the coconut oil is mixed nicely with the kale
so I can easily scrape it into the garbage.
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In Italy, they call me Olive Oil
Its because im extra v**.... :(
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A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect u**....
I think it's BP
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
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There are 3 types of olive oil.
v**... Olive Oil
Extra v**... Olive Oil
And Olive Oil with a questionable past
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What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?
They're all extra v**....
I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.
Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."
Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?
Johann Gottfried
I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be
For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"
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I am like an oil....
Extra-v**...
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
What's the difference between Christ and an oil painting?
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
I had a dirty dream about my ex wife
The dishes were pulled up and the house smelled like pachouli oil.
Why did the oil covered seagull get sued?
There can only be one goo gull
What did the crude oil say to the gasoline?
Wow, you look so refined
Trading places
On a ship the Captain and the Chief Engineer were having a friendly argument as to who had the most important job. So they agreed to exchange jobs for the next day.
After a few hours the Captain, covered in oil and sweat, called the Chief Engineer over and said, "It's no good, no matter what I do the engine won't start."
The Chief Engineer just looked at him and said, "I wouldn't worry about it. We ran aground three hours ago. "
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Van Gogh masterpiece defaced by Just Stop Oil activists in London.
A spokesman for the group said, 'We will not rest until all 19th century painters switch to acrylics or watercolours.'
We were talking about cast iron pans and my brain sprang into disfunction
I like my women like my cast iron cookware.
Black, thick and covered in oil.
A boy reads a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free free French fries.
Sounds great! said the health conscious boy, as he ordered some.
He watched as a the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them in the box.
Wait a minute, those don't look fat free!
They sure are, the cook said. We only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free.
I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil
They're too crude for my taste
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I just bought some incel olive oil.
I figured if "extra v**..." olive oil is good, this stuff would be amazing.
NASA should tell the US government they found oil on Mars
And then watch the funding skyrocket
The oceans are really polluted nowdays.
Last time I bought sardines, they were dead and covered in oil.
What did the hole in the ground say to the oil rig?
I'm bored
USA is so lucky.
Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.
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I didn't know I had anything in common with Olive Oil!
We are both extra v**...!
A couple gets into an argument...
The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.
"What are you doing?"
"Well," he says, "Yesterday you told me I never glisten."
*"Listen,"* the wife says exasperatedly. "You never *listen!"*
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I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.
Such a crude way to die.
