Oil Jokes
157 oil jokes and hilarious oil puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about oil that are clean and suitable for kids and friends. We've covered all the best olive oil jokes, cooking oil jokes, essential oil jokes.
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Funniest Oil Short Jokes
Short oil jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The oil humour may include short paint jokes also.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
- I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules It's okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries
- Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me... Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
- The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, . but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
- Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic. She's an essential oil worker now.
- Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil
*I'll see myself out* - Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me! I only received super fish oil injuries, but still...
- Americans are so lucky Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.
- Whats kim kardashian and the Middle East got in common? Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.
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Oil One Liners
Which oil one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with oil? I can suggest the ones about gas and petroleum.
- The price of oil has dropped so far that... Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.
- I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
- Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings. Corona did what Trump promised
- What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years? Ancient grease
- What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform? Send crudes.
- I saw a 2000 year old oil stain. It was from ancient Greece.
- Somebody threw Omega-3 pills at me today. I got super fish oil injuries
- What do Popeye's fingers smell like? Olive oil.
- What do Popeye and sardines have in common? They both come in olive oil.
- I like my camgirls like I like my French fries. Steaming hot and covered in oil.
- my friend is addicted to brake oil he says he can stop any time he wants to.
- I saw an oil stain that was 1000 years old It was ancient grease.
- What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery? Mordor Oil
- I have the most boring job of all... I run an oil drill rig.
- How to curse like an Irishman "Whale oil beef hooked!"
Olive Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny olive oil jokes and even better olive oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- They named a chicken joint Popeye's... ...because they stick it in Olive Oil.
- If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.
- A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed
- Oil If:
Peanut oil is made from peanuts.
Olive oil is made from olives.
Corn oil is made from corn.
Then:
What is baby oil made from? - What did the French chef say when he was sick and tired of misplacing his olive oil? "I'm losing my huile d'olive."
- Why does Popeye's tool never rust? Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.
- What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil? He Mayo-neighs
- How much olive oil does Snoop Dogg use to cook? A drizzle.
- If we get olive oil from squeezing olives, and we get coconut oil from squeezing coconuts…. Where does baby oil come from?
- I've started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil... Then…hey…pesto!
Baby Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby oil jokes and even better baby oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife asked me to get some baby oil. Does anyone know how to extract it?
- Almond oil is made by crushing almonds, Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.
I really feel horrible about all those babies. - If coconut oil is made with coconuts, Almond oil is made with almonds,
Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,
Then I surely know what baby oil is..... - If olive oil comes from olives and mineral oil comes from minerals... What does baby oil come from?
- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
- We crush olives for olive oil, we crush walnuts for walnut oil and we crush sunflower seeds for sunflower oil So how do we make baby oil?
- What do Shell Oil and my baby daddy have in common? They both left when it got too expensive.
- What do cannibals use to cook their food? Baby oil!
- TIL- Baby Powder isn't actually made out of babies. Same with Baby Oil, and why doesn't Babies 'r Us sell babies
- Hey baby, are you a potato? Because I'd like to peel off your skin, slice you up, dip you in boiling oil, and then eat you with ketchup.
Fish Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny fish oil jokes and even better fish oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me I'm fine- I only suffered super fish oil injuries
- Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day. It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound
- I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills! .... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.
- The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable. Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.
- My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil
- My friend was hit by a lorry carrying omega3 supplements Luckily the injuries were super fish oil
- My friend threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me but I wasn't really injured Thankfully, they were super-fish-oil injuries
- Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me Luckily, I only sustained super fish oil injuries
- Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me today... ...luckily my injuries where only super fish oil.
- I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me. Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.
Car Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny car oil jokes and even better car oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My car leaks so much oil that the U.S Army just invaded my driveway.
- My car now runs on fish oil.. It's turbot charged.
- The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid" The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"
- Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year. They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil
- What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common? Chances are, both have blown a seal
- Your mom is so black when she got out of the car the "check oil" light turned on.
- Is it possible to wish for a nice car if you find an oil lamp? Depends whether it's a Lamborghini.
- I refuse to run my car on that filthy oil that comes out of ground. That's why I only use whale oil.
- How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change? Nyet long. He's always Russian.
Cooking Oil Jokes
Here is a list of funny cooking oil jokes and even better cooking oil puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him I asked him Are you the friar?
He replied No, I'm the chip monk... - American intervention is kind of like my cooking... It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.
- Why should you cook kale in coconut oil? Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.
- A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil. It turned into a Chris Pratt
- Did you hear about the chef who never understood how animal-based oils help the cooking process? For him.... The Lard works in mysterious ways!
- What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil? Cannoli Oil.
- [Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil.. It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..
- Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.
- What do disabled people cook their food wjth? Vegetable oil
- I forgot to use oil when cooking my eggs I guess you could say Black Pan Down
Entertaining Oil Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about oil you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean diesel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make oil pranks.
On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.
"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."
"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"
"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."
From my dad: What do you get when a t**... blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a t**... brunette?
Your camera.
Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra v**...?
Me: *tearing up* No it's the same price
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, You're shirtless and also covered in… oil?! I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
Batman and Robin are in the Batcave
Batman and Robin are in the Batcave. Batman is putting the Batmonile through its monthly tune-up, and it won't start. So Batman goes and asks Robin for help.
"Is the tank empty?" Robin asks.
"I just filled it," Batman replies.
"Is the oil full?" Robin asks.
"Freshly replaced," Batman replies.
"Did you check the battery?"
"What the heck is a tery?"
If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...
...selling fridges?
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.
A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"
"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.
The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"
The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.
"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.
"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?
The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."
The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"
"Alright. easy enough."
The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"
The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"
Being a stripper is like working at McDonald's....
Covered in oil and questioning your choices after high school.
Yet another genie in the lamp joke
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' p**...! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' p**...! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.
He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.
When they finished the Precher asked how's my hearing?
I said idk it isn't til next week.
Massaging the wife
Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...
An entire industry has just collapsed
v**... coconut oil is no more a thing.
Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.
They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."
I *almost* got that...
My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, Why are you standing n**... in the kitchen and also covered in… olive oil?!
I chuckled proudly, Well, you're always saying..."
"...I never glisten!"
She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**
My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn't think I knew about cars
I took my car to get an oil change and they were like would you like us to rotate your tires? I was like Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over j**...!
A penguin has some car trouble...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
What do incels use for lubrication?
Extra v**... olive oil.
Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
Where do you get 'Extra v**...' olive oil?
Really ugly olives.
Does anyone know where I can get a longer d**... from?
Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..
Amazon just released an oil defuser that works like Alexa but 100% controlled with your mind!!
It makes scents when you think about it..
How do you make extra v**... olive oil from regular olive oil?
Dating advice from a Redditor.
I told my wife to make sure the coconut oil is mixed nicely with the kale
so I can easily scrape it into the garbage.
Someone just threw some Omega 3 tablets at me.
I'm fine, I only got super fish oil injuries.
In Italy, they call me Olive Oil
Its because im extra v**.... :(
A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect u**....
I think it's BP
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
There are 3 types of olive oil.
v**... Olive Oil
Extra v**... Olive Oil
And Olive Oil with a questionable past
So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect u**....
I think it is B.P.
What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?
They're all extra v**....
I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.
Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."
Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?
Johann Gottfried
Is it crude to make oil jokes now?
Nah, it's oilright.
[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.
'Dear Dad,
Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'
Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.
'Dear son ,
I just transferred $200 million to your bank account. Stop embarassing our family and buy a train for yourself'.
How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy.
Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.
I only suffered super fish oil injuries, but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!
I'd always dreamed of being in NASA but it wasn't what I'd imagined it would be
For one all the people there were very rude. They kept saying things like "You shouldn't be here," "Oh my," and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL"
I am like an oil....
Extra-v**...
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
What's the difference between Christ and an oil painting?
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.
How do you make extra v**... olive oil?
Extra ugly olives.
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
I had a dirty dream about my ex wife
The dishes were pulled up and the house smelled like pachouli oil.
Why did the oil covered seagull get sued?
There can only be one goo gull
What did the crude oil say to the gasoline?
Wow, you look so refined