ohio Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ohio puns

Tornado warnings are active for Cleveland, Ohio.

Residents are invited to seek shelter in Cleveland Browns Stadium where there is no chance of a touchdown.

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Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.

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Did you guys hear about that crazy thing Trump said at the debate last night? I couldn't believe it.

He said "Ohio is a spectacular place."

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Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

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Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is?

About halfway between Dayton and Marion

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Where is Engagement, Ohio?

It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion.

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Ohayo means "good morning" in Japanese

And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.

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True story from Brimfield Ohio;
Brimfield Police Department
Conversations with a meth cook....

Suspect: "I didn't mean to make meth."

Chief: "You didn't mean to make it?"

Suspect: "No. I was just trying to make smoke."

Chief: {Dumb look}

Suspect: "I was trying to scare the Mexicans. They're superstitious."

Chief: "Okay....You were trying to scare someone by making smoke?"

Suspect: "Yes Sir. I was trying to scare the Mexicans."

Chief: "But you ended up with meth."

Suspect: "Yes, I guess I did."

Chief: "You do realize this may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You could not come up with a better excuse for making meth than that?"

Suspect: "I thought about it and no...I couldn't...I don't want to tell on myself."

This job is amazing....Chief.

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Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening...

...Mariah Carey's got your back.

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The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.

Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.

NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.

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Voice from above

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice from above. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''

He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''

He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''

He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.

The voice says, ''Damn!"

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Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this side of the river. The hillbilly was upset and yelled back that there was no bridge. The redneck told him he would turn on his flashlight and the hillbilly could walk across the light beam. The hillbilly thought about it for a minute and said "nah, I'll get half way across and you'll turn off the light"

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What's worse than being a tanning salon owner in Africa?

Being a Somali Uber driver in Columbus, Ohio.

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Which US state is friendliest toward the Japanese?

Ohio

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What is round at each end and high in the middle??

Ohio.

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An arab child

Jassem, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. "What is your name?" – asked the teacher. "Jassem"- answered the kid. "You are in America now, From now on your name will be Johnny," –replied the teacher.

In the evening, Jassem returned home. "How was your day, Jassem?" – asked his mother. "My name is not Jassem. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny. "

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage? Shame on you!" – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him. The next day Jassem returned to school.. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

Well ma'am, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Arabs at home."

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I just moved to Ohio...

I didn't know if I was Dayton a girl in Eaton, or Eaton a girl in Dayton.

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People: You can't have all four seasons in the space of 24 hours!

Ohio: Hold my beer.

*inspired by the fact that yesterday it was 74F and had thunderstorms, and today it's 30F and snowing.*

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What do you call a city of just butchers in Ohio?

Cleaveland.

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Do you know where Engagement, Ohio is?

It's right in between Dayton and Marion.

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A salesman's car breaks down

A traveling salesman's car breaks down near an Ohio farmhouse. The salesman knocks on the door and explains his situation to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer says, "Its Friday night, I doubt you can get a tow into town tonight, so I'll let you stay the night. I have only one rule, under no circumstances are you to have sex with my son."

"I'm sorry," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."

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Three giants are boasting...

...about who had the tallest father.

The first giant says: "My father was so tall, he was, when he took a step, his left foot was in Ohio and the right one was in Iowa."

The second giant says: "That ain't nothing. When my old man got up in the morning and had a good stretch, he'd have a planet in each hand."

The third giant asks: "Those planets were warm, weren't they?"

"Yes", replies the second giant, "Why are you asking?"

"Because those were my old mans balls."

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What do you call a carpet cleaning company based out of Ohio?

Cleveland Steamers

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What did Kansas say they're lesser known sister band?

O-hi-o! I must have missed you there!

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Ohayō!

A Japanese man approaches his American co-worker, whom he knows little about.

Japanese man: Good morning, Chris!

Chris: Good morning, Hiroto!

Hiroto: Chris, I meant to ask you, where in America do you live?

Chris: Ohio.

Hiroto: You already said that.

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"Worst performance"

"We had the worst performance of 2016" ~ urban myer (Ohio State's head coach)

"Hold my drink....."~ Mariah Carey

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Six West Virginia teens dead after pickup they were riding in crashes into the Ohio River

They couldn't get the tailgate down in time to escape.

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What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common?

Nothing!

Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.

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Two guys in Ohio die and wake up in hell

The paramedics revived them

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You know what I really love about THE Ohio State?

They really put the O in Ohio.

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What's a weaboos favorite state?

Ohio.

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What do you call a meijer in a large city?

An Ohio State Coach

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What did the Ohioan Satanist say when he arrived to cult?

"Ohio Satan!"

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Once there was a capital O, who everyone thought was a zero. He put on some weight and stopped standing up straight, and now everyone says

Ohio!

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It's the day of the big game, and a (pick your rivalry) Michigan fan meets an Ohio State fan at the urinal trough...

The Buckeye notices that the Michigan fan doesn't wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. He snidely remarks, "You know, at The Ohio State University, they teach us to wash our hands after using the bathroom."

The Wolverine pauses, looks back, and says, "Good for you. At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands."

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What are the most funny Ohio jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ohio? Well, here are the best Ohio dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ohio pick up lines to share with friends.

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