Official Jokes
110 official jokes and hilarious official puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about official that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh away with official jokes that range from the clever to the silly. From the official Emmanuel to Funky Life Official and Leif, you will get plenty of chuckles and more with these notary-certified violations of good taste.
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Funniest Official Short Jokes
Short official jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The official humour may include short office jokes also.
- You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
- I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
- If James Hetfield officiated kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding... He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!
- Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing? Pumpkin
- Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.
- With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire. Before I met her I was a billionaire.
- It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M- A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.
Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true. - 3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts? At two
.
.
If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy! - The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine. It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
- A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him... The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the element".
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Official One Liners
Which official one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with official? I can suggest the ones about chairman and general.
- Roy Moore is no longer interested in this year.. Because it's officially '18
- I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account So they blocked me
- What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement? Down With the Sickness
- Breaking: Spelling Bee Official Pronounced Dead. He then used it in a sentence.
- April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.
- An official guide on how to walk up stairs: Step 1)
Step 2)
Step 3)
Step 4) - I got a Xbox One for Christmas... I can officially say my voice turns something on
- NASCAR is officially canceled After discovering it's just a human traffic ring
- Spring has officially arrived in Ontario. The Leafs are out.
- The Russians official stance on the downed MH17 flight: Donetsk, don't tell.
- I just stepped on a cornflake. Now I'm officially a cereal killer.
- The New York Yankees Officially Sign Adrian Peterson They needed a good switch hitter.
- The official dance for my new mixtape has 3 steps... Stop, drop, and roll!
- PSA: Hindsight is officially out of style It's sooooo 2020.
- What do you call a public official with depression? a person in a zolofty position
Quirky and Hilarious Official Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about official you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean public jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make official pranks.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
Michael Phelps is officially the winningest Olympian of all
time.
he deserves a medal or something.
Somalis at the Olympics...
The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.
Midwestern joke I heard years ago...
State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."
So Lena finishes dead last in the breastroke...
She immediately filed a complaint with the officials, because the other girls were using their arms.
Tragedy in Poland
The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.
So far 374 bodies have been found.
Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I've got some buddies...
They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical m**... to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.
During the communist rule
in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?
They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
I'm officially putting my GPA up for adoption...
I just can't raise it myself
[joke credit to the girl I overheard say it in the library]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the official fruit of g**... in Texas?
Canteloupe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a h**... yesterday
I'm now officially a sign language interpreter
A German visits Poland.
A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.
The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"
The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
What's the difference between an elected official and a piece of garbage?
Garbage gets thrown out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first known case of the Zika virus in the United States has been found in Texas and was transmitted via s**... contact.
Officials believe the case will end how it began: With someone getting a little head.
1995: A Chinese Official is conversing with a Russian citizen...
...Chinese Official, "You have nothing in Russia."
Russian, "Oh yeah, we have Yeltsin."
Chinese Offical, "Then we will steal your Yeltsin.
Russian, "If you take Yeltsin you'll have nothing in China."
Disclaimer: This joke is not mine, it was told to my father during his stay in Russia in the year 1995.
A Soviet official visits the US
Part of his visit is about free media. His guides show him around the country. They visit different media outlets, they show him excerpt of media, to show how free the media is.
At the end of the visit, the official is impressed. Before leaving he asks his guides one last question.
'How do you do it?' He asks.
'Do what?'
'Make them all say the same thing'
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!
It only chills on Sundays!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got my first h**....
I'm officially a manicurist.
An Iraqi official calls all of his 8 Saddam's doubles...
He says, i have good news, and bad news. The good is that Saddam is alive, the bad is that he lost an arm.
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.
The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
If we replace all "Chuck Norris" jokes with Kim Jung Un....
We could write the North Korean Official Website.
A concerned person is sick of all the corruption and injustice in the world and decides they want to expose it by becoming a journalist.
Only 3 weeks later they were caught trying to reveal corruption by some high ranking officials and were put to death.
You could say, they chose the wrong Korea.
I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...
My official title is Band Aide.
(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)
On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..
the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.
Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...
He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israel officially decriminalizes m**... use
So that's one country in the middle east where I wouldn't mind being s**....
I watched a documentary about the 1936 summer Olympics in Berlin
It seemed like a wonderful event, but it made me uneasy every time the officials said, "Let's make this a good, clean race."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...
While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.
"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."
"Are you for real?" one of the other judges asked.
"No, I'm just a little art official."
After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,
"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.
Potatoes For Everyone!
A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.
''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''
Western tourist in North Korea
So a western journalist goes on a tour of North Korea. He flies in to Pyongyang, an officially government licensed tour guide shows him around. He sees all the wonderful stores and streets that the city has to offer, and then finally he comes to the magnificent 30-story tall Kim Jong Un monument.
"Wow this is very beautiful, you must be very proud of it!" he said
his tour guide nodded— "yes, we must be very proud."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm officially the worst lover ever.
I was m**... and my hand fell asleep.
EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!
And replacing them with macro-transactions.
Before the election, I told myself that I would leave the country if Trump got elected.
Well, I did it, and it only took 11 months for the immigration officials to find me.
I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.
You could much more easily control inflation.
It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.
At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.
Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE
Due to their obsession with capitalising.
City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week.
They issued a government mandate.
Putin's top official comes to him after the election...
"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.
Putin stared at him. "Their names."
Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election
An election official walks in and announces himself.
"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"
"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.
"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"
"And the bad news?"
"Nobody voted for you."
A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...
"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
Went on a date with a race official the other night...
She seemed nice but there were too many red flags
A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest
"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.
"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.
"But there is no God" counters the official.
"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"
I have a Chinese friend named Cheng.
At an official function, we were having snacks.
I asked him, "Cheng, do you ever get fed up of people saying that all Chinese look the same?"
He replied, "Cheng has gone to the washroom. I am his wife!
It was reported vanilla ice was last off the quarantined plane.
Officials remarked it was necessary as he was the illest.
Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?
Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.
Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick's Day joke....
What's Irish and sits on the porch?
Patty O'Furniture
That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick's Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this Hong Protester and a Chinese Official find each other on a Reddit sub...
***\[redacted\]***
A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.
The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:
"Name?"
"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."
"Do you have a visa?"
"No, but we were invited here."
"Occupation?"
"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am officially a s**... offender.
Every time I ask my wife for s**..., she gets offended.
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.
But the instructions just say 'You know the rules, and so do I
The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.
One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.
"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to be on the Polish or Russian side of the border" says the officel.
"Polish" the farmer answers without hesitation.
"And why is that if I may ask?"
"Cause Ruskies have very harsh winters."
Old soviet man is lying on his deathbed...
...as his end is nearing, he surprises everyone by inviting communist party secretary instead of priest, saying he wants to join the communist party before he dies.
"Why did you invite me here? Your whole life you didn't want to join, what changed your mind now?" wonders the communist official.
Old man replies: "If someone has to die, it must be a communist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Cleveland Indians have officially decided on a new team name.
Say hello to your new Cleveland r**...!
I was telling my friend about an officially Jewish country, and she said it was fake.
I said it Israel.
TIL that the leaning tower of Pisa collapsed after 848 years.
After an official investigation it was discovered not enough tourists have been holding it up since the start of the pandemic.
The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death
you guessed it, Frank Stallone
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?
A Car c**...
