official Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious official puns

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

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A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

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Divorce

Mickey Mouse was fed up and wanted a divorce from Minnie. He went to the courthouse to get it official, but the judge wasn't going to let it happen. He said, "Mickey, I can't let your divorce your wife because you think she's crazy." Mickey yelled back,"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

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It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

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I am officially a pussy magnet

Magnets repel too

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A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

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A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

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I'm officially the worst lover ever.

I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.

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Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.

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Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

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Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

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I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

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What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

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Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

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What is the official bird of love?

The Swallow.

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Three war veterans were getting compensations...

Three war veterans were getting compensations for their years in the service. This time the compensation system was quite untraditional: they were told that they should choose two points from their bodies, and the distance (in cm) between them would be multiplied with 100 and converted into dollars. A licensed doctored was asked to do the official measuring.

The first man says: "Measure me from head to toe!" The doctor does as he is told and the first veteran, who was 183 cm tall, receives $18,300 and walks away happily.

The second veteran lifts his hand high up in the air and says: "Measure me from the tip of my finger to my toes!" He leaves over $23,000 richer.

The last veteran says: "Measure me from the tip of my penis to my balls." The doctor laughs and asks if he's certain about this. Confidently, the man pulls down his pants.

"My God!" gasps the doctor. "Where are you testicles?"

"In Vietnam."

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Putin's top official comes to him after the election...

"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.

Putin stared at him. "Their names."

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Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

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Potatoes For Everyone!

A party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ''That's all right, there are no potatoes, either.''

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Somalis at the Olympics...

The Somalian Olympic Committee issued an official apology earlier in the week, after realising that sailing and shooting are separate events.

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A kid grew up his whole life thinking he was adopted.

Many times he would enter a room unexpectedly and his parents would be there and would quickly hide official looking papers and act suspiciously about the subject. He always considered asking but was always too nervous about it. He thought he'd be disappointed to hear the truth. One day he works up the courage to ask so he goes into his parents room where he finds his dad working on his computer. He asks him "Dad, am I adopted?" His dad looks shocked and replies with "Well son, truthfully, we've been working on getting that done your whole life but we haven't found anyone to take you yet."

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Breaking: Spelling Bee Official Pronounced Dead.

He then used it in a sentence.

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A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Credit to /u/Bidonet

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Minimum Wage

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards got an anonymous tip that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help. They immediately sent an official agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $350 a week plus free room and board.

GOVT AGENT: Well, those payments and conditions are within the law. Anybody else work here?

RANCHER: Well, I wasn't going to say. But there's also a mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work on the ranch. He makes about $10 per week, sometimes less. He pays his own room and board. I do buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life, but then sometimes he tries to make love to my wife.

GOVT AGENT: Okay, yes, then THAT's the guy I heard about, and need to talk to -- the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

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A Soviet Russian food collector and a farmer

A Soviet official in charge of collecting food from farms goes to a local farm and is greatly warmly by the farmer.

After some light hearted conversation, the official says, "Anyways, I am here to collect the potatoes you have grown."

The farmer replies, "Oh, yes. This has been a marvelous year. We have grown so many potatoes, that if we put them all into a pile, it would reach the foot of God."

The official replies, "That is ridiculous. You know that in Soviet Russia, there is no God."

The farmer responds, "That is fine. We have no potatoes either."

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Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.

"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"

"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.

"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"

"And the bad news?"

"Nobody voted for you."

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Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

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I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...

My official title is Band Aide.

(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)

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An official guide on how to walk up stairs:

Step 1)

Step 2)

Step 3)

Step 4)

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I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

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4 explorers find land north of the United States

4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground.

"Looks great, eh?" An explorer says.

A second explorer agrees. "Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..."

"...We need a name for this place, eh?" A third explorer says.

Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can't really find one they like.

"How about this?" An explorer says. "We can write down some letters and throw them in a hat, then pick some at random and see if that helps."

The other explorers agree. "Sure, why not." "I suppose it can't hurt." "Worth a shot, eh?" So they write down some letters and throw them in a hat. Three explorers pick a letter at random, while the fourth one grabs some more writing supplies.

"Okay, what did you all get?"

"I got a 'C', eh?"

"I got a 'N', eh?"

"I got a 'D', eh?"

And so the new land was named, "CANADA".

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My friend Todd is a midget and was asked to judge paintings at an art show...

While reviewing the entries, they came across a particularly terrible painting.

"Oh my god, this is amazing," said Todd, "I think we've found our winner."

"Are you for real?" one of the other judges asked.

"No, I'm just a little art official."

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The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .


After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.


Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"


The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."


"Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."


"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."


The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it."


And he leaves.


The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.


"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."


"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.


"We're losing the Wonderbread account."

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The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,

"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"

"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."

"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of vodka"

"I guess I could."

"Could you do your job if you had three cups of vodka?"

"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"

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If we replace all "Chuck Norris" jokes with Kim Jung Un....

We could write the North Korean Official Website.

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What are the most funny Official jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Official? Well, here are the best Official dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Official pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes