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Officer Jokes

187 officer jokes and hilarious officer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about officer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you love to laugh at the different types of officers in the military, police force, correctional facilities, and more, this article has plenty of hilarious jokes that will be sure to bring you a few chuckles. Get ready to see what lighthearted fun there is to take part in when it comes to different officers, ranging from loan officers to sergeants.

Funniest Officer Short Jokes

Short officer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The officer humour may include short policeman jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
  2. My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
  3. My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it post office
  4. A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
    It was a brief case.
  5. My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver
  6. Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he's looking for two child molesters. Catholic priests looking at each other: We'll do it!
  7. Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

    "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

    "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
  8. I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.
  9. When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record… Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?
  10. I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

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Officer One Liners

Which officer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with officer? I can suggest the ones about trooper and police man.

  1. Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it is cheaper.
  2. What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female? The box office.
  3. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.
  4. Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word
  5. Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. You have my Word.
  6. Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women? Because it is cheaper.
  7. I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.
  8. Officer, if you are what you eat... Then I'm an innocent man.
  9. A penguin walks into an airport... A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."
  10. Cop asks a guy..how high are you? Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.
  11. I shot a black teenager the other day I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  12. What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak? Parceltongue
  13. I shot a black man and got caught I was charged with impersonation of a police officer.
  14. A guy asked an officer why is a dog called a K9? Because if its K10, it'll be a cat
  15. I hate people who take drugs Mainly customs officers

Police Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny police officer jokes and even better police officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
    Police officer: "yes, your son"
  • A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
  • The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
  • "Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
    "Oh, I didn't know."
    "It's on the house, officer."
  • How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. "He fell".
  • Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber He died last week
    surrounded by his family
  • "We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given." I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"
  • Why do police officers wear blue? Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.
  • I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault.. The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  • Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms? Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

Arresting Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny arresting officer jokes and even better arresting officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault, Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  • My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
  • A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states Solid, liquid and gas
  • A white man was arrested after shooting a black man on the street. He was charged with impersonating a police officer.
  • I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians I was literally in my office doing nothing...
  • I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival. The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"
  • Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn? It was guilty of all salt and buttery.
  • A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.
  • This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested.. For impersonating an officer of the law.
  • Social experiment… I punched a white guy and got arrested for assault. When they let me out I punched a black guy and got arrested… for impersonating a police officer.
Officer joke, Social experiment…

Customs Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny customs officer jokes and even better customs officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

    Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  • A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
    "Hans Muller" replies the German.
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just visiting this time."
  • My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
    Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
    Manager: Can I see you in my office?
  • A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
    The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
  • I hate people that take drugs You know, customs officers and policemen.
  • Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
    Manager: See me in my office
  • A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The man looks confused and replies
    "No, do I still need one?"
  • A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris Customs officer: Occupation?
    German: Nein, just visiting.
  • Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  • As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people... ...but I see where they come from.

Commanding Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny commanding officer jokes and even better commanding officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
  • Did you hear about the soldier who threw up on his commanding officer? It was a dishonorable discharge.
  • My grandfather had a buddy named Will who was shot during WWII... His commanding officer said "Fire at Will!" So everyone shot at Will and killed him
  • A military commander found the briefing room a little too stuffy So he told one of his officers to "Open the windows and let the Air Force come in."
  • A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while standing up, And woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great presence of mind, the soldier said, "amen"
  • If you're in the army and your commanding officer comes up to you when you're near your camping equipment, what do you do? Kill yourself.
    Or, y'know, stand at atTENTion.
  • An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops. "Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"
    "You said to send Gren aid."
  • The army officer was waiting for his commander ..so he asked him for the bill.
    _serve and protect_
  • Why did the soldier not survive the slanders made by his commanding officer? Because he wasn't wearing his flak jacket.
  • A mosquito goes to a military base. The commanding officer says, "Sorry, this is a 'no fly' zone."
Officer joke, A mosquito goes to a military base.

Fun-Filled Officer Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about officer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean commander jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make officer pranks.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.
"Exactly, so where's my present?"

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her
You have the right to remain silent he says.
She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.
Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.
"But why? What does he have that I don't?"
"He listens to me."

Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me!

Police officer: That's a salt!

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A Russian is travelling to Poland...

and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.
"Name?" the officer asked.
"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.
"Nationality?"
"Russian."
"Occupation?"
"No, no, just visiting."

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.
One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.
What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.
I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"

A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

"May I see your License Ma'am?"


"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

Why does the police officer get up early in the morning?

To beat the crowds.

Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

"Whoever smelt it, dealt it..."

"...so technically officer, this is YOUR m**..."

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."
"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"
The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.
"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."
*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?"

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation

The husband says "ah, it's raining"
The wife replies "no it's snowing"
"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,
"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"
"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off
"see?" says the husband,
"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

A man gets pulled over by a female cop.

He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and m**... on the job.

No name was given but he was a high w**... officer.

What happens when you shoot a black man?

You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...

An officer was fired for smoking w**... and m**... on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high w**... officer

Two priests are out driving and get pulled over

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says—
Alright officer, we'll do it

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Englishman replies, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making f**... engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied,"d**...! Well, you're free to go!"

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."
Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA."
Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober."
Driver: "Me neither."

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"

A Briton flies into Australia

and is asked by the immigration officer, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Briton replies, Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

A police officer stopped my mom's car.

Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.

An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.

Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"

I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off.
I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?

The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the m**... case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god
Officer: most likely yes

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?

Jeff replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.

You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.

I did, Jeff replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach."

Officer joke, A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

jokes about officer