Office Meeting Jokes
61 office meeting jokes and hilarious office meeting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about office meeting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Office Meeting Short Jokes
Short office meeting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The office meeting humour may include short staff meeting jokes also.
- This happened at a meeting with my boss: Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I excel at it!
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word. - An Australian soldier arrives at the front line in ww1 where he meets a British officer.
The officer asks "have come here to die too?"
The soldier replies
"No sir, I came yesterday." - Why are horses the most unproductive animal to have in office meetings? Because they're all just neigh-sayers
- A fellow worker just sent an all office memo: "Has anyone seen my screwdriver? I really need my screwdriver!" I wrote back: "Meet me at the tool bar. I'll buy you a double."
- A man applies for a position at EA When he gets to the office he meets with the interviewer.
To finish the rest of this joke please purchase the "Joke pack" for $5 - M calls 007 into her office. She says, "Your next assignment is to go to the Chrstmas ball and meet new people. Bond, James, bond!"
- Wanna get to third base within minutes of meeting? Wish a customs officer happy holidays today.
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Office Meeting One Liners
Which office meeting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with office meeting? I can suggest the ones about business meeting and company meeting.
- Everyone hates office meetings. No one likes it if they're excluded from one.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Office Meeting Jokes
What funny jokes about office meeting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean teams meeting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make office meeting pranks.
George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once.
He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
"A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader." Harry S. Truman
The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -
Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
For years Johnny helped his father with the vegetable garden.
Every spring Johnny's dad would have Johnny over for a day and they would spend all day tilling the soil to get it ready for planting and then grill some steaks in the evening. One year Johnny fell in with the wrong crowd and was arrested for armed robbery, but the gun was never located. Three months in jail he is talking with his father on the phone. His father recently had a hip replacement and can't move like he used and wishes Johnny was able to help with the gardening. After the conversation Johnny feels so bad that he calls the DA and arranges a meeting.
The next morning, Johnny's father hear's a b**... at his front door. He opens up and sees two detectives and a dozen uniformed officers with a search warrant. They brush the old man aside and make a beeline for the back yard.
Furious, he calls the prison and demands to talk to his son. He asked Johnny how dare he bring his criminal activities home and worry his mother and how ashamed he was of his scumbag son.
Johnny listened to the berating and replied, 'I felt bad that I couldn't help you with the garden this year, so I lied and told them I buried a gun back there.'
So a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde all work in a very small office
One day their boss Ms. White tells them, "Hey guys, I am going to knock off a little early. I'll see you tomorrow."
Well, the three ladies start talking and they all decide that since the boss wasn't around, they were going to leave too.
The red head went to meet her friends at a bar, the brunette called her boyfriend and went to a movie, but the blonde just went home.
When she got there she heard noises coming from her bedroom. She carefully peeked in and saw her boss and her husband passionately knocking the boots.
Well, she dashed out of the house as quietly as she could and went to the mall until it was her normal time to go home.
The next day Ms White told her three workers she was leaving work early again. And again the three discussed sneaking out early. The blonde said, "No way! The last time we did that, I almost got caught!"
Harry goes to the doctor
Harry, an 84 year old g**... is in for a checkup at the doctors office, he's sitting on the exam table, n**... under a gown. The doctor asks while reading his chart, "Well Harry, how are you feeling, any new developments for you?" Harry responds with childlike glee, "I feel great. There is a new woman in my life, she's fantastic" "Oh ya? Where did you two meet?" The doctor inquires. "Oh, well, ya know... She's a dancer." "Like a stripper, Harry? How old is she?" The doctor asks seriously. "19 years young... in fact, we are due to get married next week!" The doctor ponders thoughtfully and says to him, "I think you ought to reconsider. You know, prolonged s**... with a girl that young could be fatal." Harry shrugs and says, "Hey, if she dies, she dies."
A dog walks into the vet's office
A dog walks into the vet's office and he meets another dog. This other dog looks petrified. The first dog says, "Hey pal, what's the matter?"
The second dog says, "I can't stop h**... things. I h**... the sofa. I h**... the pillows. I can't help myself. The final straw came when I h**... a guest's leg. I'm here to get neutered."
The first dog says, "I have a similar problem. The other night my master's wife was wearing a short robe and when she bent over to take her slippers off, I mounted her and started h**... her."
The second dog frowns and says, "I guess you're here to get neutered too."
The first dog winks and says, "Nah, just getting my nails clipped."
Leroy
A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.
He asks the woman, "Excuse me ma'am, but according to this you have fourteen sons. Is this true?"
"Mmm-hmm. They's my boys."
"Well yes ma'am, I understand that, but why are all fourteen of them named 'Leroy.'"
"Well that just makes it easier for me. Whenever I wants my boys to come for breakfast, I jus' yell 'LEEROY!' and all my boys come running. Whenever I wants my boys to come for a bath, I jus' yell out 'LEEEROY!' and all my boys come a'running."
"Well then, ma'am," says the worker, "I guess that makes sense to me, but what do you do if you want to talk to just one of your sons?"
"Oh, I jus' call him by 'is *last* name."
Cell Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
A small church became infested with rabbits...
A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could be done, the leaders and the congregation tried to go on as usual, but the smell of rabbit droppings was overpowering even after thorough cleanings. Worse, inevitably a rabbit would be accidentally harmed or killed during the service, which would always lead to many children bursting into tears.
Finally, a solution was discovered. Sprinkling holy water throughout the building, they baptized the rabbits in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Now they only see the rabbits on Christmas and Easter.
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
It's Obvious...
So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".
The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to work out his new proof. After chugging along for about 15 minutes, he turns to the ~~first~~ second guy and says "so here, you'll see that the answer is therefore obvious". The first guy stares at it for quite while. He makes a few notes on the side of the board, then stares some more. He scribbles more and stares more.
The first guy eventually shrugs and goes home. The first guy keeps working well past midnight. He finally goes home and collapses in bed, but is clearly obsessed with the problem. Over the next few days, he keeps working on it in his every spare moment. He fills the white board in his office, the one he has mounted in the garage at home and he even fills the old blackboard in the abandoned classroom in the old lab. Finally, one day he jumps up, punches his fist in the air and screams "Eureka!" at the top of his lungs. He runs down the corridor, into the classroom where the other mathematician is holding a seminar and yells out:
"You're right, it's obvious!"
Eit: Corrected idiot typo...
The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...
When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"
The mathematician's interview
A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:
"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"
The mathematician responds:
"People's lives are more important than the meeting. I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out the fire before coming to the office."
The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a followup question just to make sure:
"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe house. What do you do?"
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:
"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street, and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a problem I've already solved."
Cell phone in public...
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
Mr. Toad was window shopping...
...when he saw a tiny porcelain snowman figurine that he just *had* to have. He enters the store to inquire about the price and learns that it costs much more than he can afford. Undaunted, he sets off to meet with lending officer at the bank, Mr. Paddywaque.
"No job, a dismal credit rating, a wife and 38 tadpoles to support?", says Paddywaque. "I don't think I can approve this application, Mr. Toad."
"*PLEASE*, I implore you, I MUST have this snowman! Surely, there's something you can do!", said Mr. Toad.
Paddywaque gives in to his client's pleading and agrees to show the application to his manager, Mr. ....uumm.....Jones.
Jones, terribly busy at the moment and not wanting to be bothered, takes a quick glance over his glasses at the application and says...
"It's a knick knack Paddywaque, give the frog a loan!"
"free"
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
Chess enthusiasts meet in their hotel after a tournament...
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
George Bush sits in his office during the Iraq War.
During a meeting with the cabinet, his aide walks up to him and says "Mr. President, we've just received word that twelve Brazilian soldiers died yesterday in Iraq."
George puts his head in his hands and is visibly shaken by the news.
He looks up at the shocked cabinet members and asks "How many is a brazillion?"
The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.
The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.
Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
A mathematician was interviewing for a job
A mathematician was interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities". The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks: "And what if the building is not on fire?".
After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence :
"I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"
A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting
When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client "I have some good news and some bad news".
The client grumbles "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news".
"Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $3 million".
"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"
"The two pictures are of you with your secretary".
3 ladies at work (yes it's yet another Blonde joke)
Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd all leave a few minutes after her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
An older man is feeling a bit under the weather and goes to see the doctor.
His wife comes along, and after a full physical and a battery of tests, the doctor meets the two of them in his office. He makes small talk, tells the man he is fine, and then asks to speak with the wife privately. After the man leaves, the doctor turns to the wife and says, "Your husband is gravely ill. He may make it, but in order to get there, you've got to treat him well, spoil him, give him whatever he wants to eat, let him play golf whenever he wants, let him watch all the football he wants, make sure he doesn't have any stress at all, and most importantly, give him s**... whenever he wants it."
The couple leaves, and as they are driving away, the man turns to his wife and says eagerly "Well, *what did he say?*"
After a long pause the wife looks at him and says, "You're gonna die."
John dies and he meets Saint Peter.
Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven."
They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks:
John: "What's the deal with all these watches?"
Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watches for every profession of mankind. Here are the lawyers', engineers', farmers'..."
John: "What about this empty spot?"
Saint Peter: "Oh, here it used to be the politicians' watch."
John: "What happened to it?"
Saint Peter: "Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."
The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss ....
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone
Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.
All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.
Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
😂😆
First meeting
I remember my first meeting with my manager at my old job.
My manager asked,
"How good are you at PowerPoint?"
I said, "I excel at it."
He replied, "was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I was like, "Word."
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.
He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.
The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?
The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. When the immigration officer asked for his name he said - **Sam Ting**
A man takes his dog to a talent agent
A man and a dog meet with a talent agent.
Man: My dog here is able to talk.
Talent Agent: Ok I'm interested. Make him say something.
Man: Ok boy, what is on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: What is on the outside of trees?
Dog: Bark!
Man: Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?
Dog: Ruth!
Talent Agent: I've seen enough of this.
The talent agent throws them out of his office where the man and his dog land in the gutter. Then the dog turns to his master and says, "maybe I should've said DiMaggio."
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house
A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it
A manager has two great employees...
A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.
Jack walks in and says "I guess you decided to let her go?"
Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says "I never even got the chance to! All I said was 'I'm trying to decide whether to lay you or j**....'"
Guy walks into a doctor's office...
Doc, I've made up my mind, thought it over. I want to be castrated!
Doctor stares at him in disbelief,
Are you sure? That is no....
The guy interrupts,
Doc, I'm 100% sure! Let's do it today!
Later, after the procedure, the guy walks out of the hospital with a limp. In the hallway, he meets another man walking with a similar limp.
Just got castrated too, huh? The guy asks. No, i had a circumcision replied the man.
Circum...Oohhh...that's what it's called!
a dyslexic customer walks into a bra
"how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks
"What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
At a party meeting, a Communist party officer is drilling a local worker....
He asks him: Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one to the Communist Party?
The worker responds Yes, definitely, comrade, I would give one of my houses to the party!
Then he asks Comrade, if you had two cars, would you give one to the party?
Again, the worker says, Yes, I would give one of my cars to the party!
Finally, the officer asks, If you had two shirts, would you give one to the party?
Nyet!
The officer asks But why? Why won't you give one of your shirts to the party?
The worker says: Because I HAVE two shirts!
A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar
A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time to come talk to him.
Less than an hour later, the manager is sitting in his office, and Joe comes in sheepishly.
"Boss," says Joe, "I've got a problem."
"No, Joe!" says the manager. "In this company, we do not have problems. We have opportunities!"
"Ok boss," says Joe, "I've got a drinking opportunity"
An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.
His first night in town, he had a h**... come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in s**..., the h**... kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the h**... was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
The next day, he and three of the managers were playing golf. In the middle of the round, one of the Japanese men shot a hole in one. The American shouted, "Sung wa!"
The Japanese man turned and said, "Wrong hole? What you mean 'wrong hole'?"
The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."
Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."
A Guy Walks into a Doctor's Office...
Doc, I've made up my mind, I've thought it over. I want to be castrated!
Doctor stares at him in disbelief,
Are you sure? That is no....
The guy interrupts,
Doc, I'm 100% sure! Let's do it today!
Later, after the procedure, the guy walks out of the hospital with a limp. In the hallway, he meets another man walking with a similar limp.
Just got castrated too, huh? The guy asks. No, i had a circumcision replied the man.
Circum...Oohhh...so that's what it's called!
I was misbehaving in class...
I was misbehaving in class one day, and was sent out of the classroom to the head's office.
He said to me This is the 4th time this week! We're going to have to take this further. I'm going to call your father and ask him to come down so we can discuss your punishment.
I can't wait to meet him!
A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.
The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding officer.
Me: *arriving at the office after lunch in a nice red dress.*
My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!
Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"
Little Johnny
An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,
"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"
Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"
Little Johnny: "Run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "Oh my God! That's terrible! Are your grandparents or your uncles or aunts or any of your relatives at home?"
Little Johnny: "No! All of them run over by the tractor ..."
Insurance officer: "What are you doing all day then?"
Little Johnny: "Drive the tractor!"
I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!
After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
Bad news
George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp
His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."
