Office Jokes

What are some Office jokes?

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, Clean our your desk, and I'll see you in the office on Monday.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

A young lady from my office just sent me an email

saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

IT guy

John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble.

You have my Word.

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office.

Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.

Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.







"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.







"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Officer, if you are what you eat...

Then I'm an innocent man.

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you but I will find you, you have my word.

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

called the UPS office in Germany to ask if they were sending out my Oculus Rift

they said VR ready

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

Why I won't carpool.

I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby.

I just haven't decided which one yet.

My professor called me into his office.

"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."

"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"

He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"

"Dave69 on Pornhub."

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

*burst into doctor's office*

ME: I'm no longer canstopetid

DOCTOR: You mean constipated

ME: No I've had a vowel movement

DOCTOR: Get out

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"

The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"

"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.

"Anything?"

"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.

"Would you....study?"

The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale".

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite...

Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he'll fire the employee with the worst posture...

I have a hunch it might be me...

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

That's a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.

Then he composes himself and says:

Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me!

Police officer: That's a salt!

Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

A businessman is at the office.

He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

Why is the oval office oval shaped?

Because the government cuts corners.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

How to make Office jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Office to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Office? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Office pick up lines to share with friends.

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