Office Desk Jokes

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and p**... the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And p**..., he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and p**... ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”

Where Is God?

Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other. Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?" The boy just sits there and doesn't answer. The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?" The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer. The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?" To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office. The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...

She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:
"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"
The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."
The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"
"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.
"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.
"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is r**... on.
President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.
Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."
Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and b**... his hands on the desk in the office.
Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"
Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

The greatest salesman....

So the greatest salesman of all time sees a potential customer and stops him. The customer tells the salesman that he is in a hurry, the salesman tells him that he is selling energy drinks so he can get faster to his destination. I dont have time for this, says the customer. Time!! I'm selling Citizen, Bulova, Mont Blanc. No thanks, says the customer i'm in a hurry got to go to the office. Office!!! says the salesman, I got Desks, Computers, Laptops, Pen. STOP BOTHERING MEEE!!! I do not feel well. SICK!! Says the salesman, Panadol, Tylenol, Peptobismol... OK!! says the customer, do you sell guns??, GUNS!!! I have Magnum, 9mm, Shotguns..
Give me a 9mm.. and bam.. shoot the sales man twice in the chest.... KEVLAR!!!!! Long sleeve, short sleeve, no sleeve.... :/

Two boys were misbehaving...

...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice.
The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."
The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.
She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed outside while the priest and Ray talked.
"Where is God?" The priest calmly asked expecting to make the point that "God is everywhere". Ray, petrified, said nothing. So the priest asked again slightly louder, "Where is God?!". Ray still said nothing. So the priest stood up and slammed his hands on the desk yelling, "WHERE IS GOD?!?!". Ray stood up and ran out of the office, past his mother, and ran all the way home.
He came screaming in the front door and ran straight to Jim's room. He opened the door and said, "GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!".

There's this lady who works in a bank...

... her name is Patricia Wack, but all her friends and colleagues call her Pattie. She's very good at her job. One of those people who pays painful and pedantic attention to detail, does everything by the book, and is generally a bit annoying, but does a great job as a bank teller.
One day, while she's going about her daily tasks, a frog hops up onto her counter.
"I want a loan," says the frog.
"Have you filled out the application?" asks Patricia.
"No," replies the frog. "I don't need to bother with all that b**.... Just go and get your manager. I've dealt with him before, and he'll give me the loan."
"Hang on," says Patricia, "I don't see any paperwork or ID, and I don't know the first thing about you. I don't know if you're having me on, or trying to defraud the bank. What's your name?"
"Kermit Jagger," says the frog.
"Now you're really having me on," says Patricia. "Get out of this bank before I call the police."
"No, seriously, go talk to your manager," says the frog. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a Mr Bean Bobblehead. "Take this and give it to him. He'll know what it is."
Patricia reluctantly takes the toy, and walks upstairs to her manager's office. She knocks on the door, and he waves her in.
"What is it, Pattie?" He asks.
"Well, sir, there's a frog downstairs wanting a loan, but has none of the necessary documents or ID. He says he knows you, and to give you this." With that she places the bobblehead on the manager's desk.
The manager looks at it for a little while, smiles and says, "No worries, Pattie. You can go ahead and approve him up to $20,000."
"But sir!!! He has no ID or credit history with him! He didn't bring any paperwork, and won't do this by the book at all! What's going on, anyway? And what is that... toy that he made me bring to you, anyway?? What's that got to do with it?"
The manager sighs, leans forward, and says, "It's a nick-nack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A frog walks into a bank

A frog is looking to open up a new business, so he stops by his local bank to see about financing. His loan officer, Mrs. Paddywhack, is going through his financials.
"Do you have any collateral?" she asks. "We can't give you any money without something to secure the loan."
The frog pulls out a small figurine from his briefcase. "This was my great-great-great grandfathers. It i s vary valuable and is in perfect condition; it has never left its place on my mantle until today."
Mrs. Paddywhack looks it over and over. She knows it is valuable, but can't quite figure out what it is. "I'll have to clear this with my boss," she says.
She walks back to her bosses office, explains the whole situation and sets the figurine down on the desk. "I just can't figure out what it is," she says.
Her boss takes one look at it and says "It's a nick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan."

Welfare Joke

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office.
Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy."
When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says 'List names of children', you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."
"They all named Leroy," said the black woman.
"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.
"Oh that's easy, I uses their last names."

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk.
Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of paper, writes "WHERE ARE WE?" in huge letters on it, and holds it up for the officeworker to read. The officeworker grabs a sheet of paper off his desk, scribbles quickly, and holds up his response: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
"Okay, no problem," says the pilot. "I know where we are. We're over the local college and that's the engineering school."
"How do you know that?" asks the copilot.
"Because," says the pilot, "the answer he gave us was technically correct but completely useless."

A man went to heaven...

So a man in the hospital died of a sickness and went up to heaven. Before he could enter he had to go to a sort of office building, he noticed the office walls were covered in clocks. He asked the angel working at the desk,
"What are these clocks for?"
To which the angel replied, "These clocks move 1 minute for every lie someone tells or told."
The man points to a clock, "Whose is this?"
The angel tells him, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, it has only moved 2 minutes, indicating he only told 2 lies."
The man points at another clock.
The angel says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it hasn't moved at all."
The man then asks the angel, "Where is Barack Obama's clock?
To which the angel replies, "In Jesus' Office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A good, short oldie to end your Monday

A professor is working in his office during his open hours. It's only a week away from the final exam, so he thinks nothing when one his students comes in. That is, until he sees she's in a short skirt, a low cut top, and closes the door behind her.
She quickly takes a seat and leans over the desk, saying, "Professor, I *really* need to pass this class. If I pass this exam, I'll pass the class, so I really need your help. It's very important to me. I mean, I would do *anything* to pass this exam."
She reaches out and touches the professor's hand lightly. The professor raises an eyebrow and glances at the closed door. He clears his t**... and leans in.
"Anything?" he asks.
"Anything," she nods.
He takes in a deep breath and then asks, "Would you . . . study?"

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

A cop sees a drunk stumbling down the street

He says, "Hey, Buddy, you look a little drunk, you ok?."
The drunk says, "Man, I sure am glad to see you officer. See, somebody just stole my car."
The cop says, "Stole your car? Where was the car when you last saw it?"
The guy says, "Right on the end of this key."
The cop looks at the key and looks at the drunk and says, "Well, go two blocks down to the Station and report it to the desk sergeant."
The drunk says, "Thanks, officer. You been a big help."
As the drunk start stumbling towards the station, the cop looks down at the guys pants and says, "Hey buddy, before you go, you better zip up your fly."
The guy looks down at his pants and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too."

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation until much later.
When he finally arrives, he asks the front desk for his room but, unfortunately, no rooms are available.
Struck by this, Aristotle asks Socrates if he wouldn't mind sharing a room with him but Socrates slams the door in his face.
He goes over to Kant's room and pleads with him but Kant also slams the door in face.
Aristotle decides to change his plan. He walks to Descartes' room and tells him "Descartes, there has been a terrible mistake. The front desk has given you my room and has lost your reservation." Descartes, angered by this, replies "I think not!"
And then Aristotle got a room.

I Went To The Patent Office.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She s**... and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

New Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"
"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies
"Can I ask what skills you have?"
"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"
The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer
"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about £2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays £10,000 per month"
Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"
"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"
"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"

When I went to Heavan...

I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan

A blonde saw a thermos at the department store

and asked the clerk what it was. The clerk said "Well, that's a thermos!" The blonde asked "What does it do?" The clerk replied "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" so the blonde bought it.
The next day the blonde's boss, also blonde, walked by her office and saw the thermos on her desk. "What is that?" the boss asked. "Well, that's a thermos!" she replied. Her boss asked "What does it do??" The blonde said "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
"That's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?", to which the blonde replied "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"

I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today and walked up to the main desk to sign in when the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'
She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'
'A fottle.'
'What else do you have there?'
'A folding carton.'
'OK, what do you call it?'
'A farton.'
She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'
I was so upset by her comment, I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...