Offense Jokes

What are some Offense jokes?

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.


The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"




No offense anyone...hehe

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

You wouldn't steal a gate.

So why would you take offense?

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

3 Ducks Sitting at a Courthouse

The Judge calls up the first duck

Judge: "state your name and your offense."

Duck 1: "My name is Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay 1 week community service and off you go."

Judge calls up the second duck

Judge: "State your name and your offense."

Duck 2: "My name is Quack Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay, same sentence. Now, off you go."

Judge calls up the third duck

Judge: "Dont tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack and you blew bubbles at the pond too"

Duck 3: "Nope! My name is Bubbles."

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, stands in front of the wall facing the line of rifles pointed at her head. The Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" and the red head shouts "TORNADO!!" The men with the rifles are so scared of the impending natural disaster they drop their weapons and run away. Red head gets away!
Impressed, Brunette says, I get it! I'll go next.
The troops come back into their line and call out the brunette, embarrassed at their gullibility.
Again the Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" Immediately, the brunette yells "TIDAL WAVE!!" The brainless troops drop their weapons and run and hide yet again. The Brunette is free!
Finally it is the blonde's turn. The troops and the Emperor are furious at being deceived and are ready for anything this time.
They aim their weapons at the blonde and the Emperor yells "Ready!!! Aim!!!" and the blonde yells "FIRE!!!!"

A racist joke (be warned and don't take offense)

Why is it that you never see a black person on a cruise?

They're not falling for that one again..

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

The ventriloquist...

...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes.

Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So why is it okay to stereotype women by their hair color? I'm a blonde, and I'M not stupid!"

"I'm sorry, Miss," said the ventriloquist. "I certainly didn't mean any offense."

"You stay out of this, buddy," said the blonde. "I'm talking to that little smartass on your knee!"

What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

No offense against anyone....

But at least my defense is top tier.

The Chiefs' defense isn't doing well against the Patriots' offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?

Because no offense.

It's the first day of high school...

...and the principal is giving an orientation to the freshmen class. He says "Welcome to high school! We have a few rules we must go over. First, men will use the men's locker room, and women will use the women's locker room. If anyone is caught in the other gender's locker room, it is a $20 dollar fine for a first offense, $30 for a second offense, $40 for a third, and so on. Any questions?"
A kid in the back stands up and asks "How much for a season pass?"

Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?

...because he was a moo-slim.

Indecision can be a weapon. Sometimes, the best offense is a good on-fence.

That's it. That was the whole joke.

Last week i just robbed my first bank in my new Frog outfit.

I Kermited a major offense

A trip down under.

A British tourist arrived at an airport in Australia. He went to speak with the customs guy sitting behind the desk.

Customs: Passport?

Tourist: Here you go.

Customs: Thank you. Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense?

Tourist: No, I didn't think that was a requirement.

A leper goes down town and tried to get lucky

He meets a prostitute and asked her how much for two hours, she replies saying

"Oh honey it's usually 30 bucks but looking at how you are that'll be around 55 dollars no offense."

"Okay that's fine."

So after two hours when everything is all said and done. She asks for the cash the leper hands her three twenty dollar bills saying

"Keep the tip."

The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.

PS: No offense.

A monkey was kicked out of the zoo for taking fruit off of a tree

It was a bananable offense.

A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?"

"Nun taken."

Why does German beat the game BATTLESHIP every time??

Because they are great at sinking ships

(Just a joke, no offense to anybody)

I think it's a better idea to stick to defense since I don't see us winning this.

No offense.

Odell Beckham Jr & Lena Dunham realize they have something in common.

Oddell's made a career playing offense.
Lena's made a career taking offense to everything.

What is the most whoreish profession today?

Store greeters. They let everybody 'come inside'!

no offense folks! :)

The only way Donald Trump could have caused more offense

this past year is by fisting the corpse of the Cecil the Lion.

A monk had sex with a practically decomposed corpse.

It was considered a grave offense.

(True story in the Buddhist "Book Of Discipline volume 1")

The 100 MPH Goat

*(I live in Tennessee. No offense to rednecks everywhere else...)*

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

How to make Offense jokes?

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