Offense Jokes
56 offense jokes and hilarious offense puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about offense that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Offense Short Jokes
Short offense jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The offense humour may include short offensive jokes also.
- [Offensive] Adolf visits the concentration camp and asks a young boy how old he is "I'll be 6 soon!"
"Nope" - The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:
People who profit as a result of their occupation.
CONS:
People found guilty of a criminal offense. - (Possibly offensive joke?) Not a single adult gets my school shooter jokes. I guess they're aimed at kids.
- The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive. The rest of the house needs cleaned too
- I have a decent joke about a cow but it's pretty offensive so I'll probably need to take it down [remooooooved]
- My aunt's parrot can say over 30 phrases, but each one is offensive and belittling. I say parrot, it's actually more of a mockingbird.
- What's the most offensive jokes you guys have? What's the most offensive jokes you have ever hear
- I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook... ...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.
- warning sign on children's alphabet blocks Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
- I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work... ...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.
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Offense One Liners
Which offense one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with offense? I can suggest the ones about offence and defense.
- Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
- What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) alien vs. Predator
- This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer? Ash.
- I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring. No offense.
- TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive. They prefer to be called "humanitarians."
- You wouldn't steal a gate. So why would you take offense?
- Did you hear about Richie Incognito? I heard he's an offensive lineman
- Midget quarterback Sorry- that's a little offensive.
- What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive] A sandy hook survivor.
- I identify as counter strike, and I find this globally offensive.
- What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane. A biplane.
(This is not meant to be offensive) - Without crossing any lines, what's an offensive joke? The Detroit Lions
- Did you hear what happened to the really offensive joke about tall grass? [re mowed]
- Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense
- What criminal offense do college students commit the least? Resisting a rest.
Happy Offense Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about offense you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean penalty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make offense pranks.
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
Methylated Spirit
A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.
"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits m**...?
A fedoral offense.
Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?
Because no offense.
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
It's the first day of high school...
...and the principal is giving an orientation to the freshmen class. He says "Welcome to high school! We have a few rules we must go over. First, men will use the men's locker room, and women will use the women's locker room. If anyone is caught in the other gender's locker room, it is a $20 dollar fine for a first offense, $30 for a second offense, $40 for a third, and so on. Any questions?"
A kid in the back stands up and asks "How much for a season pass?"
A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...
And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
No offense anyone...hehe
What is the most whoreish profession today?
Store greeters. They let everybody 'come inside'!
no offense folks! :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?
...because he was a moo-slim.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The only way Donald Trump could have caused more offense
this past year is by f**... the corpse of the Cecil the Lion.
What's the difference between a fence and a wall?
I give them a wall, and they take offense.
No offense but...
That team only has good defense.
Odell Beckham Jr & Lena Dunham realize they have something in common.
Oddell's made a career playing offense.
Lena's made a career taking offense to everything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A l**... goes down town and tried to get lucky
He meets a p**... and asked her how much for two hours, she replies saying
"Oh honey it's usually 30 bucks but looking at how you are that'll be around 55 dollars no offense."
"Okay that's fine."
So after two hours when everything is all said and done. She asks for the cash the l**... hands her three twenty dollar bills saying
"Keep the tip."
I think it's a better idea to stick to defense since I don't see us winning this.
No offense.
A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?"
"Nun taken."
Indecision can be a weapon. Sometimes, the best offense is a good on-fence.
That's it. That was the whole joke.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monk had s**... with a practically decomposed corpse.
It was considered a grave offense.
(True story in the Buddhist "Book Of Discipline volume 1")
No offense against anyone....
But at least my defense is top tier.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first b**...," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A monkey was kicked out of the zoo for taking fruit off of a tree
It was a bananable offense.
[Not a joke] Something really needs to be done with reposts on this sub.
Maybe make it a bannable offense but the quality of this sub is severely degrading with the amount of reposts...
A squint eyed person's father dies
He buries his uncle instead
PS: no offense
An offense-ive joke
What do you call a soccer player who became i school shooter?
A striker.
How can you tell if someone is about to criticize a sports team or criticize you?
By how they pronounce "No offense"
Local Republicans complained about a public display supporting the migrant caravan
The Church apologized for the offense but refused to take down their Nativity set.
The Chiefs' defense isn't doing well against the Patriots' offense...
Reminds me of colonial times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The only thing more Irish than a potato is...
The lack of even a single one.
PS: No offense.
Why does German beat the game BATTLESHIP every time??
Because they are great at sinking ships
(Just a joke, no offense to anybody)
A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.
That night, the man calls to see how things are going.
The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."
Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Grab my kids and my clown statue and get out of there!*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.
Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.
The first cop shouted What the h**..., man as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.
No offense, the kidnapper responded as he ran away.
Nun taken! the officer reported into his radio.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was sitting on a park bench reading about the pro-trump rioters
Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, "All politicians are a**...."
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said, "I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. "Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replied, "I am an a**.... "
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.
He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be $20. So on and so forth."
Suddenly, a student in the crowd yelled, "How much for a season pass?"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Why did Mario get executed for capitalizing the word fence?
Because it's a capital offense.
