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Offense Jokes

56 offense jokes and hilarious offense puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about offense that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Offense Short Jokes

Short offense jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The offense humour may include short offensive jokes also.

  1. What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.
  2. Why are the twin towers and genders so similar? Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.
  3. Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot. As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
  4. I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive. I think I should aim for a younger crowd.
  5. Told my boss he needs winter tires Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.
  6. [Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust? Orange Jews from concentrate
  7. [Offensive] Adolf visits the concentration camp and asks a young boy how old he is "I'll be 6 soon!"
    "Nope"
  8. The pros and cons of being overly literal PROS:
    People who profit as a result of their occupation.
    CONS:
    People found guilty of a criminal offense.
  9. Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive... How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?
  10. I can't stand being in a wheelchair. Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.

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Offense One Liners

Which offense one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with offense? I can suggest the ones about offence and assault.

  1. Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
  2. What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) alien vs. Predator
  3. This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer? Ash.
  4. I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring. No offense.
  5. What do you call a gay Frenchman? A faguette.
    (Sorry if offensive)
  6. TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive. They prefer to be called "humanitarians."
  7. You wouldn't steal a gate. So why would you take offense?
  8. Did you hear about Richie Incognito? I heard he's an offensive lineman
  9. Midget quarterback Sorry- that's a little offensive.
  10. What do you call a 5 year-old with no friends? [offensive] A sandy hook survivor.
  11. I identify as counter strike, and I find this globally offensive.
  12. What do you call an LGBTQ+ plane. A biplane.
    (This is not meant to be offensive)
  13. Without crossing any lines, what's an offensive joke? The Detroit Lions
  14. Did you hear what happened to the really offensive joke about tall grass? [re mowed]
  15. Some protestors are breaking into congress I hear it is a capitol offense

Criminal Offense Jokes

Here is a list of funny criminal offense jokes and even better criminal offense puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What criminal offense do college students commit the least? Resisting a rest.
Offense joke, What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Happy Offense Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about offense you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean defense jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make offense pranks.

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits m**...?

A fedoral offense.

Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?

Because no offense.

It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."

A racist joke (be warned and don't take offense)

Why is it that you never see a black person on a cruise?
They're not falling for that one again..

It's the first day of high school...

...and the principal is giving an orientation to the freshmen class. He says "Welcome to high school! We have a few rules we must go over. First, men will use the men's locker room, and women will use the women's locker room. If anyone is caught in the other gender's locker room, it is a $20 dollar fine for a first offense, $30 for a second offense, $40 for a third, and so on. Any questions?"
A kid in the back stands up and asks "How much for a season pass?"

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
No offense anyone...hehe

What is the most whoreish profession today?

Store greeters. They let everybody 'come inside'!
no offense folks! :)

Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?

...because he was a moo-slim.

The only way Donald Trump could have caused more offense

this past year is by f**... the corpse of the Cecil the Lion.

Last week i just robbed my first bank in my new Frog outfit.

I Kermited a major offense

Odell Beckham Jr & Lena Dunham realize they have something in common.

Oddell's made a career playing offense.
Lena's made a career taking offense to everything.

A l**... goes down town and tried to get lucky

He meets a p**... and asked her how much for two hours, she replies saying
"Oh honey it's usually 30 bucks but looking at how you are that'll be around 55 dollars no offense."
"Okay that's fine."
So after two hours when everything is all said and done. She asks for the cash the l**... hands her three twenty dollar bills saying
"Keep the tip."

According to the Laws of Thermodynamics...

Open consumption of alcohol is an offense. My advice is to steer clear of the town of Thermodynamics.

I think it's a better idea to stick to defense since I don't see us winning this.

No offense.

A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?"

"Nun taken."

Indecision can be a weapon. Sometimes, the best offense is a good on-fence.

That's it. That was the whole joke.

A trip down under.

A British tourist arrived at an airport in Australia. He went to speak with the customs guy sitting behind the desk.
Customs: Passport?
Tourist: Here you go.
Customs: Thank you. Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense?
Tourist: No, I didn't think that was a requirement.

Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman?

Because the law says you cannot be punished twice for the same offense.

A monk had s**... with a practically decomposed corpse.

It was considered a grave offense.
(True story in the Buddhist "Book Of Discipline volume 1")

No offense against anyone....

But at least my defense is top tier.

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first b**...," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A monkey was kicked out of the zoo for taking fruit off of a tree

It was a bananable offense.

The Chiefs' defense isn't doing well against the Patriots' offense...

Reminds me of colonial times.

The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.
PS: No offense.

Why does German beat the game BATTLESHIP every time??

Because they are great at sinking ships
(Just a joke, no offense to anybody)

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.
The first cop shouted What the h**..., man as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.
No offense, the kidnapper responded as he ran away.
Nun taken! the officer reported into his radio.

A man was sitting on a park bench reading about the pro-trump rioters

Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, "All politicians are a**...."
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said, "I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. "Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replied, "I am an a**.... "

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be $20. So on and so forth."
Suddenly, a student in the crowd yelled, "How much for a season pass?"

An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are a**...!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"
"No," he retorts, "I'm an a**...!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Why did Mario get executed for capitalizing the word fence?

Because it's a capital offense.

A guy walks into a bar and says 'lawyers are a**..., man!'

Another patron at the bar says to him, 'hey, I take offense to that!'
The man says, 'Sorry, are you a lawyer?'
'No, I'm an a**...!'

Offense joke, A guy walks into a bar and says 'lawyers are a**..., man!'

jokes about offense