offense Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious offense stories

What are the best Offense puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Offense? Well here is a complete list of Offense to have fun with:

2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

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The ventriloquist...

...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes.

Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So why is it okay to stereotype women by their hair color? I'm a blonde, and I'M not stupid!"

"I'm sorry, Miss," said the ventriloquist. "I certainly didn't mean any offense."

"You stay out of this, buddy," said the blonde. "I'm talking to that little smartass on your knee!"

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, all angry, sits down at the counter, and says, "God, lawyers are such assholes!". The man next to him turns and says, "Hey, I take offense to that". The first man says, "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a lawyer?" and the second man says, "No, I'm an asshole".

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It was Christmas day.....

and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

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Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

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A young man walks into a bar and sits down...

"what can I get you?" inquired the bartender. "I'll have 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well in that case I'll give you a seventh shot on the house!" "No offense sir, but if six shots of Jagermeister won't get rid o the taste, I don't know what will!"

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A racist joke (be warned and don't take offense)

Why is it that you never see a black person on a cruise?

They're not falling for that one again..

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What sort of crime is it if a neckbeard commits murder?

A fedoral offense.

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A man walks into a bar and yells, "All Lawyers are assholes!"

Someone at the bar stands up and says, "I take offense to that."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No. I'm an asshole."

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What do you call a Mexican baptism?

Bean dip.

No offense intended(to get the racial shit stated before I get hit with it)

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Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?

Because no offense.

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It's the first day of high school...

...and the principal is giving an orientation to the freshmen class. He says "Welcome to high school! We have a few rules we must go over. First, men will use the men's locker room, and women will use the women's locker room. If anyone is caught in the other gender's locker room, it is a $20 dollar fine for a first offense, $30 for a second offense, $40 for a third, and so on. Any questions?"
A kid in the back stands up and asks "How much for a season pass?"

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What do blacks and bicycles have in common?

They both require chains to work.

(no offense to black people intended)

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An Irishman walks out of a bar...

... That's it! Did you get it?

*** THIS POST WAS INTENDED TO BE A JOKE EVERYONE CAN APPRECIATE; NO OFFENSE WAS INTENDED HERE.

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What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM

A blonde going through a flashing red light.


No offense to blondes lol

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A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

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just a joke! dont take offense

Why do people from the ghetto name their kids shit they can't afford? Mercedes, Diamond, Pearl, Rent, Insurance, Phone Bill

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A farmer and his wife are sitting on the front porch...

The farmer looks over at his wife's breasts and says "If I could get milk out of those, I could get rid of the cows"

The wife takes offense, but lets it slide this time.

After a few minutes the farmer looks down at his wife's crotch.
"If I could get eggs from that I'd get rid of the chickens," the farmer says.

At this time the wife has had enough. She graps ahold of his crotch and calmly says,
"If I could get off on this, I'd get rid of your brother."

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The 100 MPH Goat

*(I live in Tennessee. No offense to rednecks everywhere else...)*

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head get caught stealing the Emperor's pig. The punishment for such an offense is obviously death by firing squad. In the holding cell, waiting for their fate, Red head says to the other two, "I have an idea! follow my lead!"
Upon being called, Red head walks up, stands in front of the wall facing the line of rifles pointed at her head. The Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" and the red head shouts "TORNADO!!" The men with the rifles are so scared of the impending natural disaster they drop their weapons and run away. Red head gets away!
Impressed, Brunette says, I get it! I'll go next.
The troops come back into their line and call out the brunette, embarrassed at their gullibility.
Again the Emperor yells "Ready! Aim!" Immediately, the brunette yells "TIDAL WAVE!!" The brainless troops drop their weapons and run and hide yet again. The Brunette is free!
Finally it is the blonde's turn. The troops and the Emperor are furious at being deceived and are ready for anything this time.
They aim their weapons at the blonde and the Emperor yells "Ready!!! Aim!!!" and the blonde yells "FIRE!!!!"

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Why black people doesn't dream ?




P.S: it's a joke, no offense to the black community, my black friend died laughing when I told him.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best offense jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty offense gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these offense jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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