Offended God Jokes
10 offended god jokes and hilarious offended god puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about offended god that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Unearthly Funniest Offended God Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What is a good offended god joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Thank god the "S" on my keyboard doesn't work...
It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.
I am extremely offended by the song "God is Dead" by Black Sabbath. How can Ozzy Osbourne possibly sing that?
...when Tony Iommi is standing right next to him, alive and well.
I'm not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.
So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS! on my window.
A child s**... offender moves to my neighborhood.
Required by law to go door to door and state his case, he arrives on my doorstep to inform me.
Man: Although I am a man of God, I lost my way on two occasions. But you see, I asked God for forgiveness and I am assured that He will forgive me. I hope you can find it in your heart to do the same.
Me: Two occasions you say? So, are you saying God will forgive you for the same sin...twice?
Man: yes, I'm sure that at least your second strike will be forgiven if you ask forgiveness.
Me: We'll, I'm glad to hear that. Cause up until today, I only killed one child m**....
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam...
A priest, a rabbi and an imam are walking through a field discussing the glory of God. The priest comes up with an idea.
"Let's draw a circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, God can keep."
The imam says, "I have an even better idea. Let's draw the same circle on the ground and throw all our money in the air. Except this time, whatever lands outside the circle, God can keep."
The rabbi exclaims, "I have the best idea. Let's throw all our money in the air and whatever stays up there, God can keep."
Hope this didn't offend.
God bless USA
And Science.
And Muhammad
And The Buddhist Gods.
everyone is offended these days.
An old man's brush with death
An old man who was recovering from a near fatal heart attack was sitting in a hospital bed with his family at his side. The old man's son cautiously asked, " Did you see. . . the light, Dad?" His father replied, "Why, yes I most certainty did!" Everyone in the room gasped and eagerly stared at the old man to tell more of his experience. His son asked " What did you see, Dad, did you see God?" to which his father replied, " There I was son, being carried to heaven by two. . . . two people." His son blurts out, "Who were these people!" The old man looks up towards the sky and closes his eyes, " It was Jesus and Muhammad, they carried me and told me I was going to be okay th..." The nurse in the room bursts out with laughter, which immediately offends the old man's family. The son stands up and says " Who do you think you are laughing at my father during his most spiritual moment!" The nurse says, " Excuse me for laughing but Jesus and Muhammad are two of our ambulance drivers."
The armless bell ringer.
A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
A priest and a nun are playing golf...
The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"
Missing some parts (not for the easily offended)
A couple are in a hospital waiting to see their newly born child for the first time, when the doctor comes in and says; "I'm afraid I've got some bad news." The couple look shocked. "Your baby seems to be missing some parts; follow me." The couple follow the doctor down the hall into a room of newly born babies. First, they approach a baby with no arms. The wife screams, "Oh God! Is this my baby?" The doctor says, "no, keep following". Next the couple approach a baby with no arms or legs. The husband asks, "Please doc, is this our baby?". Again, the doctor says, "no. Follow me" Next they get to a baby that is just a head. The wife, almost hysterical now, proclaims, "I can't take this; how am I supposed to look after a head?" The doctor, beginning to anger, says, "Please Mrs Smith. This baby is not yours; I'll tell you when it is your child." Finally the doctor reaches the last baby. He announces, "This, is your child." The baby is just an eye. The couple immediately break down crying. The doctor then says, "And I'm afraid I've got some more bad news;
he's blind."
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