Off Jokes
135 off jokes and hilarious off puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about off that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Share These Off Jokes With Friends
Off Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good off joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
How does moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
My jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers?
I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
My b**... community took me to court for not being h**... enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.
So I lost the case.
So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and p**...." and so I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.
TIL that a school of piranhas can s**... all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...
On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it
Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It's bec..."
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
Share These Off Jokes With Friends
Show Off Jokes
Here is a list of funny show off jokes and even better show off puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today? Because they had to go home and change first.
- What's the difference between donald trump and a worm? One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
- Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
- I can't stand homeless people Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
- Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga … And 100% of men don't care.
Breaking Off Jokes
Here is a list of funny breaking off jokes and even better breaking off puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
- Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state. Denial.
- How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
- If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.
- A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition? It's so that they'll end up in a cast.
- My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
- Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate… It's usually of the tectonic variety.
- My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?
Off Colored Jokes
Here is a list of funny off colored jokes and even better off colored puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
- A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
- Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors? Easy.
Batman doesn't want to get shot. - What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
- What's the difference between grey and gray? One is a color, and the other is a colour.
- A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were. I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."
- I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
- I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before It was just a pigment of my imagination.
- All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors... Because heroes never dye.
- Purple is my favorite color! I like it more than blue and red combined.
Jack Off Jokes
Here is a list of funny jack off jokes and even better jack off puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate the headphone jack.
- Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's Mom: use protection
Daughter: mom I'm 15
Mom: and I'm 30 - Give man a jacket and he'll be warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it and he'll never go outside again.
- How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern? They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
- What do Dora The Explorer and Jack The Ripper have incommon Same middle name
- My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind. I said dad, I'm over here
- What does an iPhone 7 and The Titanic have in common? The end has no Jack.
- I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on.. .. the suspension is killing me.
- What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
- The student and the teacher. JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not. "
JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...."