Odds Jokes

What are some Odds jokes?

'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

The Millenium Falcon is taking off...

Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..

"10....8.....6.....4"

Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.

C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me.

Having sex is like being struck by lightning

It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor

The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.

S. W.

We should give credit to the number 2.

It became a prime number against all odds.

A worried flyer asks a statistician...

"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

A blonde and a lawyer

are sitting next to each other on a plane. To pass the time, the lawyer suggests playing a game that tests general knowledge. The blonde is reluctant, but finally agrees when the lawyer offers to give her 10 to 1 odds. "Every time you don't know the answer to one of my questions, you have to give me 5 dollars," he says "every time I don't know the answer to one of your questions, I have to give you 50."

The lawyer starts, "how far is the earth from the sun?" The blonde doesn't know. She gives him 5 dollars and the lawyer replies, "the earth is 92,960,000 miles from the sun."

The blonde asks the lawyer, "what goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes back down with 4?" The lawyer thinks for a moment, but is unable to come up with an answer. He hands her a 50 dollar bill. The blonde takes it, puts it in her purse, and looks back at the lawyer.

"Well?" The lawyer asks, "what was the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde hands him 5 dollars.

An Famous Statistician

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"

"No, I flew"

"What about the possibility of a bomb?"

"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of two bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So now I bring my own bomb along!"

8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it's someone's ATM PIN.

...it was mine.

These passengers are sitting on a plane...

These passengers are sitting on a plane when the pilot comes over the speaker and says *"We're sorry ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has gone out, but not to worry because we can make the rest of the flight on three engines. It will just take an extra hour."*
A little while later, the pilot comes on again and says *"A second engine has gone out but not to worry, we can make it on two engines. It will just add another 2 hours."*
Against all odds, the pilot comes on again and says *"We are sorry, but another engine has gone out. Not to worry though, we can make it on just one engine. It will just add 3 hours to the trip."*
At this point, one passenger turns to another and says
*"If that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here forever!"*

A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.

"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."

A statistician and his wife are going I vacation.

As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case.
"Good god, what's that for?" His wife asks.
"Well, there's low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?"

A guy picks up a female hitchiker...

And when they're on the road, he jokingly asks "Lady, how do you know I'm not some kind of psychotic serial killer?".

"I dunno, but I guess the odds are pretty low that you're one too.".

Snails

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.

The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.

A man went to water his garden...

He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.

Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"

Why can't two even numbers be together?

The odds are against them.

What are the odds of an anorexic girl joining the clergy?

Slim to nun.

A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!

He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .

He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!

The horse finishes 7th.

Gambling with Blondes


There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told
her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play the game.

The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several minutes looking up everything he could on his laptop and then even placed numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse quickly without saying a word. The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is answer?"

The blonde glanced at him with a smile on her face and handed him a $5 bill.

My wife left me today

She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling.
Some were considered prime suspects in 9's death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well.
6 snuck into 7's house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9's body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9.
6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

Dating on tinder.

the odds are good but the goods are odd

I don't think Elon Musk's comments hurt his odds of being elected to public office

Now he just has to run as a Republican

At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race.

I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.

An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a terrorist smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."

The even numbers said...

The odds are against us.

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital

Man: What happened and why am I here?

Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.

Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?

Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room

Man: That is great news. So where am I?

Nurse: Nagasaki

I bought a Lottery ticket today

Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."

Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."

Sven: "What are the odds?"

Ollie: "29, 11, 35."

The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military.

Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.

So my wife and I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous because of our money problems

I bet her twenty bucks I could finish all the steps before her. What are my odds?

Can a blonde solve a math problem? (WARNING: math joke)

The odds are, they can't even

Can you believe that the final answer on my statistics exam was: 50/50

What are the odds?

What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline?

No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.

If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia.

After all, they're not going to key their own car.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day...

As he got in my car he said: Thanks for stopping. Aren't you afraid to pick up strangers, though? I could've been a serial killer for all you know

Nah , I said. The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

I know a person who can only use even numbers

What are the odds?!

What are the odds that a Latino wins two $500,000 jackpots back to back?

A million to Juan.

Two scientists are about the open the results of a recent experiment.

The first scientist eagerly asks the other: "So, what does it say? Is it looking like we're pretty close to a cure?"
"Well, it appears that out of all the mice that received the new treatment, we were only able to successfully cure every-other one. So, the odds aren't looking very good..."

Universe's odds of existing? Near impossible. Humanity's odds of existing? Near impossible.

My chances at a relationship? Well... I make the other odds look like a 1 in 6 roll on loaded dice.

2016

where Leiceister City defies the odds of 3000/1 to win the league title, Cubs win the world series, and Donald Trump is elected as the president of the United States

Cruel March Madness Odds

If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.

A frog went to the bank to take out a mortgage.

He sat down with Patty Mack the banker, and began the negotiations.

His credit score wasn't bad, but when it came to the subject of collateral, he was a little unsure. Collectables and other odds and ends were all he had to offer.

Patty was not convinced. No car? No property? Little credit? "Times are rough..." she started to say, when her manager stepped up to her desk, and asked what the problem was.

She handed him his paperwork, and after a few minutes browsing, the manager raised an eyebrow and lowered his glasses.

"He has knick-knacks, Patty Mack, give the frog a loan."

Why can a girl not get laid in the computer science field?

the odds might be good. but the goods are odd

They should make a Bollywood movie about a poor Punjabi guy that wins a singing contest against all odds.

It'd be called Singh: A Song

A cow has apparently defied great odds and given birth to four calves and have been named

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Moo.

What are the odds I could find the sum of numbers from 1-100?

I'd say it's fifty fifty

Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?

Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"

How to make Odds jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Odds to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Odds? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Odds pick up lines to share with friends.

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