Odds Jokes
119 odds jokes and hilarious odds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about odds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Odds Short Jokes
Short odds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The odds humour may include short chance jokes also.
- I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7. The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him No, but I would have done that in my prime.
- Jesus was born on Christmas, died on good friday and rose on Easter. What are the odds?!?!
- Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster? A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
- I was watching Australian Master chef last night... Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...
I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue - Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
- I think my calculator is broken... The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.
- You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches.. But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll. - If an animal was little, blue and had leaves coming out of it you'd think it's odd But if it was a Pokemon, you'd think it's just Oddish.
- My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills... "Have you even listened to anything I said??" is a very odd start to a conversation.
- My teen daughter is acting really odd. She can't even. It's causing a family divide. We've got to figure it out before our problems multiply.
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Odds One Liners
Which odds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with odds? I can suggest the ones about odd numbers and probability.
- I just realized that the word seven has 'even' in it. That's odd.
- Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
- '2' managed to be prime, Against all the odds.
- I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 The odds were against me.
- Why do bugs have odd beliefs? They're in sects.
- Please don't use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes.... Common scents, people!
- "You're odd" she said. "Not even" I replied.
- We should give credit to the number 2. It became a prime number against all odds.
- 2 was fighting 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 2 won, against all odds
- Just to let you know, My name is Three And before you say anything, I know, it's odd
- 2 is the only even prime number. It's kind of odd, isn't it?
- You know what's odd? Every other number.
- You know what seems odd to me? Numbers that can't be divided by two.
- Wanna know something odd? Numbers not divisble by 2
- So a moth walks into a bar... ... which is odd because moths can fly.
Odds Dying Jokes
Here is a list of funny odds dying jokes and even better odds dying puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The doctor told my grandpa, he had one week to live, but my grandpa proved him wrong against all the odds. He died the next morning
- Lou Gehrig is the most unlucky man to ever live.... I mean seriously, what are the odds of dying from a disease that has the same name as you?
Odds Happening Jokes
Here is a list of funny odds happening jokes and even better odds happening puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 1,3,7,9 Were murdered last night What are the odds of that happening?
Odds Winning Jokes
Here is a list of funny odds winning jokes and even better odds winning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife just left me because of my gambling addiction... I wonder what the odd are for me winning her back.
- At the race track and saw a 100-1 horse win a race. I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that.
- I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries. I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.
- What are the odds that a Latino wins two $500,000 jackpots back to back? A million to Juan.
- 2016 where Leiceister City defies the odds of 3000/1 to win the league title, Cubs win the world series, and Donald Trump is elected as the president of the United States
- They should make a Bollywood movie about a poor Punjabi guy that wins a singing contest against all odds. It'd be called Singh: A Song
- Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
- 2, 4, 6, and 8 are in a fight with 1, 3, 5, and 7 I don't know who will win but i'd say it's even odds
- What do Leonardo DiCaprio & anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common? Their odds of winning are the same
Cheeky Odds Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about odds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean roulette jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make odds pranks.
Marriage or Death
At my second wedding my buddy was giving a speech. He started by telling me he had some bad news - 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not the worst part though - the other half end in death. So I started thinking, my first one ended in divorce, so the odds are in my favor. I wondered about the math, so I started doing the equation and it turns out I'd rather be single than dead.
- I'm writing a set, notes and critiques are more than welcome
A statistician and his wife are going I vacation.
As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case.
"Good god, what's that for?" His wife asks.
"Well, there's low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two?"
What are the odds of a chronic gambler ever calling the addiction-helpline?
No seriously, I've got $100 riding on this.
What are the odds of an anorexic girl joining the clergy?
Slim to nun.
Why should aspiring interplanetary astronauts apply to NASA and ignore the speedier alternative?
Because the other program mars one's odds of survival.
Can a blonde solve a math problem? (WARNING: math joke)
The odds are, they can't even
I tell people that money can't buy happiness.
It reduces the odds of being robbed.
I know a person who can only use even numbers
What are the odds?!
Chinese officials are trying to decide whether to spend money on a school or a prison.
Finally one of them says: - What are the odds that some of us will go back to high school?
What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars?
Astronomical
The Millenium Falcon is taking off...
Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..
"10....8.....6.....4"
Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.
C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"
Why can't two even numbers be together?
The odds are against them.
Two scientists are about the open the results of a recent experiment.
The first scientist eagerly asks the other: "So, what does it say? Is it looking like we're pretty close to a cure?"
"Well, it appears that out of all the mice that received the new treatment, we were only able to successfully cure every-other one. So, the odds aren't looking very good..."
The even numbers said...
The odds are against us.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.
I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.
I do hope the odds are in my favor...
...because I literally can't even.
What are the odds I could find the sum of numbers from 1-100?
I'd say it's fifty fifty
To all my American friends: Happy hunger games...
May the odds be ever in your favor.
Universe's odds of existing? Near impossible. Humanity's odds of existing? Near impossible.
My chances at a relationship? Well... I make the other odds look like a 1 in 6 roll on loaded dice.
Just read an emotional story of a woman who overcame incredible odds to make french onion soup
Stirring stuff
I recently found my Journal from my trip to Europe. Allow me to share an entry.
August 30, 1997, 11:49pm - [Paris]
Woah! Princess Diana just waved and smiled at me from her car! What are the odds!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If there's one good thing about the election of Trump, it's the greatly lowered odds of being attacked by Russia.
After all, they're not going to key their own car.
A man went to water his garden...
He didn't have a hose or a watering can, so he improvised by filling a bucket with water and throwing it all over the garden. However, when he did so, the water only landed on every other plant.
Shocked, the man threw his arms up in the air and shouted "water the odds!?"
I bought a Lottery ticket today
Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."
Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."
Sven: "What are the odds?"
Ollie: "29, 11, 35."
Can you believe that the final answer on my statistics exam was: 50/50
What are the odds?
"Look at this!" I said to my roommate
"What happened?" he replied
"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said
"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"
The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military.
Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.
So my wife and I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous because of our money problems
I bet her twenty bucks I could finish all the steps before her. What are my odds?
What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer?
Brazilian to one....
(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... and Juggalos marching in DC on the same day reminds me of the Hunger Games...
With that said, may the odds be ever in your Faygo!
A guy picks up a female hitchiker...
And when they're on the road, he jokingly asks "Lady, how do you know I'm not some kind of psychotic serial killer?".
"I dunno, but I guess the odds are pretty low that you're one too.".
Three recovering gambling addicts walk into a bar.
What are the odds?
Did you hear about the proctologist & psychiatrist who opened a practice together?
They called it "Odds & Ends"
Never tell me the odds
I literally can't even
Why did Han Solo get an 'F' in Statistics class?
Because he kept telling the teacher, "Never tell me the odds!"
The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -
The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.
My wife left me today
She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.
What are the odds of you seeing a dinosaur on the street?
50/50. You either see it or you don't.
Why can a girl not get laid in the computer science field?
the odds might be good. but the goods are odd
What does the detective get on adding up the clues one by one?
The way to make odds even.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... is like being struck by lightning
It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor
they say we shouldn't assume ones gender in 2018...
When did we become so risk conscious?
I'll take 50/50 odds any day!
Is marriage a lottery?
No - in the lottery, the odds of being made happy are only 1 in 45 million
8621. If this makes it to the front page, odds are it's someone's ATM PIN.
...it was mine.
A cow has apparently defied great odds and given birth to four calves and have been named
Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Moo.
I don't think Elon Musk's comments hurt his odds of being elected to public office
Now he just has to run as a Republican
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An FBI statistician gave me some advice
I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a t**...?"
He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a t**... smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low."
I'm getting really unlucky during this game of jenga
I guess the odds are stacked against me
A man survives Hiroshima and wakes up in the hospital
Man: What happened and why am I here?
Nurse: Hiroshima was hit by a bomb and despite all odds you survived. Right now you are at the hospital getting treated but you have no risk of dying so no worries.
Man: Thank god. But how about my family? Are they ok also?
Nurse: Don't worry, they all evacuated safely and are waiting at the reception room
Man: That is great news. So where am I?
Nurse: Nagasaki
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Chinese pornstar is running for presidency of the USA, 2020!
Odds are he will win the popular e**....
Might Go To The Gym Today
Meet emimem, Odds are the same
There 3 Red Knives, 7 Blue Knives, 4 Green Knives, and a Purple Cat all shuffled into a bag. What are the odds Timmy picks a Cat out of the bag?
1/15
My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.
They specialize in odds and ends.
Dating on tinder.
the odds are good but the goods are odd
Cruel March Madness Odds
If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.
Anybody want to bet me that next year is going to be worse than this one?
I'm offering odds of 20 2 1.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I work at an oppressed s**... bank
But through all odds, we will overcome.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
One round of Russian roulette gives you better-than-even odds of surviving, but consequences of not surviving is....
Mind Blowing!
Why do actuaries always pack a bomb in their suitcase when they fly?
Because the odds of two bombs being on the same plane are astronomical.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying
He is afraid of someone b**... the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn't worry about it.
He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so low it will probably never happen to anyone in the mans lifetime.
A month later they run into each other and the statistician asks if the man ever took his vacation. He says yes. The statistician asks how he got over his fear of flying and the mans says, it was easy. Every time I board a plane, I bring a bomb with me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The odds of getting a j**... to do any work on your farm are extremely low.
You'll have a better chance of finding a needle in a haystack.
I got a paper cut from my Statistics homework.
What are the odds?
Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might have Covid. I told him the odds of two people with Covid being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a m**....
"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...
...detergents.
I joined a math contest the other day
And against all odds,
I was severely outnumbered
My dad worked for years as an actuary.
Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren't too uncommon.
Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn't like the odds.... so the very next day he starting carrying a bomb with him on every plane that he boarded.
Cause he figured, what are the chances that *two* bombs would be on the same plane...
I have some great stock tips..
Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.
If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
