Occurred Jokes
53 occurred jokes and hilarious occurred puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about occurred that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Occurred Short Jokes
Short occurred jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The occurred humour may include short resulted jokes also.
- It just occurred to me that we have to make all the jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker while she's still alive.. Because after she dies it'll be like beating a dead horse...
- My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born... ...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.
- What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza? The D'oh!
This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6... - What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner? The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.
- A terrible accident has just occurred at work. Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman. - Wife: Our Disney certified stroller fits through all openings Dad: Yep, it's Universal
This interaction occurred as we left our Disney hotel room heading to the bus to EPCOT. - My dad told me most huge mistakes take only 5 seconds to occur And there I was 9 months later
- We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
- After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets?
Twins!
I am so sorry.... - Request: Your best British vs American jokes Reading jokes it occurs to me how different humour is on the other side of the pond. What's your favourite British vs American jokes?
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Occurred One Liners
Which occurred one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with occurred? I can suggest the ones about caused and happen.
- It suddenly occurred to me.... ...I've never had an epiphany.
- What do you get when an argument occurs on a camping trip? A tents atmosphere
- When should funerals occur? Mourning
- What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773? The Boston Flea Party!
- During what year do most suicides occur? Leap Year
- An accident occured at the International Space Station Fortunately, without gravity.
- A strange death incident occurred in the hospital. He died of poison IV.
- Something which has never occurred since time immemorial
- Today a tragedy occurred: a gardener died You could say he threw in the trowel
- What do you call it when an eclipse occurs? When God forgets to pay the electricity bill.
- I walked into a church with my friends and said Are you ready to witness this mass occur
- When the Paris attacks occured, did anyone think to call Ja Rule for some answers?
- What time of the afternoon does the forecast high usually occur? 4:20.
- What c**... thing is guaranteed to occur in the middle of a Saturday? A 'turd'
- Yo momma so fat that when she f**..., the second Big Bang occurred.
Amusing Occurred Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about occurred you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean events happened jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make occurred pranks.
A husband and wife are in a car c**...
They are both badly injured, but recover soon enough. However, the wife's face was badly injured during the c**... and she needs a skin graft to replace the skin on her cheeks.
The doctor says "The good news is, we know just the place to find the skin for your cheeks." He turns to the husband and says, "The bad news, however, is that the skin needs to come from your buttocks."
The husband quickly agrees. The wife says, "Honey, are you sure?" He says, "Of course, you're my wife, I would do anything for you!"
And so, the operation occurs. The wife's face is as restored as can be.
A while later, the wife says "Honey, how can I ever thank you for this?"
"You don't need to. I get all the satisfaction I need when my dear mother-in-law kisses your cheek."
A Religious Joke From a Non-Religious Reditor
A flood occurs in a small town. A man climbs on top of his house to avoid the rising waters. A boat sails up to the house and offers the stranded man a ride. The man refuses saying, "No thanks, God will save me," and the boat leaves.
Then, a large ship comes along and offers the man help. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves.
Finally a helicopter flies overhead and offers to give the man a lift, and, one last time, the man passes, replying, "The good Lord will surely rescue me," and the chopper flies away.
Eventually the man drowns when the flood waters rise above his roof.
Once in heaven the man asks God, "What was up with that? Why'd you leave me hanging like that? Why didn't you save me? I was good, I went to church, I confessed all my sins, and followed the bible, why wasn't I rescued?"
God replies,"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Tragedy in Poland
The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.
So far 374 bodies have been found.
Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.
Tragedy in Eastern Canada
Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.
A man has to leave the country..
A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...
...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.
Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
I was intrigued by finding out all these students were having s**... with their teachers, so I decided to join the club.
It didn't occur to me until 3 weeks after I had s**... with my teacher that I'm home schooled.....
When I heard about 9-11...
Considering I was living in New York at the time, as it was happening it occurred to me how easily that it could have been me involved
But then I realised I had no idea how to fly a plane
A little 3-year-old girl
was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Completely Original Joke About Numbers That I'm Sure Has Never Occurred To Anyone
While I've always been able to count on the cardinal numbers, I find that some of the integers can be negative, but at least they're still rational. But as long as a number can be real with me, I don't care how dense they might be.
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle v**..., put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.
Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The lawyer and the witness
The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.
Would you tell the court at what time the m**... occurred?
The witness tapped her chin, I think -
We aren't interested in what you think, said the attorney. We only want the *facts*.
The witness frowned. I'll give them to you but I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know!
One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....
And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
Duckiiiiiies
Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course, what would occur?
The other philosopher sat and sipped at his drink before replying, I truly don't know... What a pair o' ducks!
The world's oldest recorded joke in history.
I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):
Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time immemorial?
A: A woman not f**... in her husband's lap.
A man was late for work and panicking he suddenly hears...
Someone yelling "STOP" the man stopped, not knowing what else to do and just a few seconds later a car c**... occurred missing the man by a few inches.
The man, very confused thinks nothing of it and since people came to help, he ran his way because he was really late.
Then just a minute later he hears someone yelling "STOP" and he stopped, just a few seconds later a stray tire crashed into a shop missing the man by mere inches again.
The man now fully frustrated yells back "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED!?".
At a monastery
3 disabled friars are walking the grounds of the monastery. 1 blind, 1 deaf and 1 in a wheelchair. They walk past a lake and the blind one says it is a holly lake that miracles occur in. The guy in the wheelchair says let's try. The blind guy enters and when he comes out he says "what a beautiful morning" . The deaf guy enters and when he comes out says "listen to the birds". The guy in the wheelchair rolls in and when he comes out exclaims "NEW WHEELS"
i went to the liquor store on my bike.
i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle v**... and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home
Oh the irony?
On 2/02/22, both Groundhog Day and the US State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
One involves the meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication .
The other involves a groundhog
I literally just last week realized there is no such thing as "the heavy end" 🤦
I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.
And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial
a young woman did not f**... in her husband’s lap.
95% of all car accidents occur within one mile of home.
So I moved two miles from my old house. Now I'm safe!
A family go to the zoo
They're excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted. Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it's empty!
Every single enclosure, cage, run and avery they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..
Except, right beside the exit is the last one; a single small solitary cage.
And in it sat a small furry creature.. a dog!
The father looked at it and it occurred to him,
"This is a shih tzu!"
