Occupation Jokes
109 occupation jokes and hilarious occupation puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about occupation that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
There is something special about occupational jokes – they bring us together and allow us to have a good laugh in spite of our seemingly endless job duties. This article looks at some of the best occupational jokes from house hunters to office-staff, from the light-hearted to the downright hilarious. Read on for a humorous take on the age-old tradition of occupational jokes.
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Funniest Occupation Short Jokes
Short occupation jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The occupation humour may include short occupied jokes also.
- Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting". - A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting" - A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad. Border guard: Nationality?
tourist: Russian.
Border guard: Occupation?
Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time. - Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - A German tourist comes to France ...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting. - classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days." - A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
"Hans Muller" replies the German.
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting this time." - A German man walks up to a immigration desk in Warsaw. Immigration offcier: "Occupation?"
German man: "No, just holiday." - An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security. Airport security:"Nationality?"
austrian: "Austria"
Airport security: "Occupation?"
Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
Share These Occupation Jokes With Friends
Occupation One Liners
Which occupation one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with occupation? I can suggest the ones about employment and jobs.
- How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation? I'm in bread.
- When the Chinese fill out government forms... Under "Occupation" do they write "Tibet"?
- Why are librarians so shy? Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.
- Putin is visiting Ukraine "Name?"
"Vladimir Putin"
"Occupation?"
"Not this time" - My friend got a job at the power plant. He now refers to his occupation as a ohm maker
- French border Officer : Occupation? German Tourist: No No, just visiting
- Whats the most common occupation in Germany? Poland
- Introduction - Nationality?
- Russian
- Occupation?
- No, just visiting. - The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!
- What's the most popular occupation in Italy? Pastatution.
- Nobody is taking comedy seriously anymore. Everyone thinks the occupation is a huge joke.
- What's the most masculine occupation Mail man (male man)
- What do you called being pepper sprayed at UC Davis? Occupational hazard.
- What's the Kitty Kidnapper's Conniving Occupation Purr Snatcher
- What was Benedict Arnold's occupation before the Revolutionary War? Futures Trader.
Great Occupation Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about occupation you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean career jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make occupation pranks.
A German man visits America for holiday.
The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"
The man says: "No, only holiday!"
A German lands in Paris...
Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him:
-Occupation?
-Oh, no no, just visiting!
Greek/German joke I heard recently
So Angela Merkel decides to try to shore up some Euro solidarity by taking a vacation in Greece. When she gets to the border crossing, the guard looks over her papers and asks her "occupation?" "No," she replies, "just a vacation this time."
Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
p**... Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter
Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "p**... Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton p**...."
The clerk looked up p**... Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da p**..., Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"
A Russian is travelling to Poland...
and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.
"Name?" the officer asked.
"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.
"Nationality?"
"Russian."
"Occupation?"
"No, no, just visiting."
Old tourist joke
German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
An Israeli is going through passport control at JFK...
The immigration officer asks: Occupation? The Israeli says: No. I'm just visiting."
With the situation in Ukraine...
Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...
Du Hast
German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, "Occupation?"
The singer replies, "No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We'll be gone by tomorrow morning."
Vacations
Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.
"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"
"Ivan Ivanovich."
"Occupation?"
"No, just a vacation."
A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border
A Russian comes to the Ukrainian border.
The Ukrainian border guard asks, "Name?"
The Russian answers, "Boris."
The border guard asks, "Occupation?"
The Russian says, "No, just visiting."
Vladimir Putin
Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.
Customs Officer: "Name?"
Putin: "Vladimir Putin."
Customs Officer: "Nationality?"
Putin: "Russian."
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."
Two Scottish nuns
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A man is sitting in the dock at court.
The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".
A German visits Poland.
A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.
The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"
The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.
A german tourist arrived at Charles de Gaulle
The immigration officer greets him, " Bonjour Monsieur, Welcome to paris, Name?"
"Wolfgang Schmidt."
"Occupation?"
"Nein, Tourism."
So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.
"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"
A German is at the border to go to Poland.
The officer asks him:
Name?
Hans Gruber.
Address?
123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin
Occupation?
Nein, just visiting.
Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
Putin lands at Helsinki airport...
...and the immigration officer says "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Credit goes to a dude in the Finland thread. Made me laugh.
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
A German got pulled over by the police in France
*Police officer:* "Name?"
*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"
*Police officer:* "Age?"
*German:* "31"
*Police officer:* "occupation?"
*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"
The pros and cons of being overly literal
PROS:
People who profit as a result of their occupation.
CONS:
People found guilty of a criminal offense.
What's the difference between your mom and an elevator?
An elevator has a maximum occupancy.
A German man is leaving a plane after landing in Poland.
The immigration officer asks him
"Occupation?" And the German man replies
"No just visiting"
A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.
Pole: Name?
German: Hans Guttermark
Pole: Age?
German: Neunundzwanzig.
Pole: Occupation?
German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!
A German man was crossing the border into France...
The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."
A german stands in the passcontrol in an airport in Paris
Passport officer: Occupation?
German: No, no, only vacation.
A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris
Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
h**... goes to France
As he reaches the immigration desk, the clerk reviews his passport and asks, "Name?"
The fuhrer whispers, "Adolf h**..."
"Occupation?"
h**... shakes his head... "No, just visiting".
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"
A German is traveling to France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German, Reason for travel?
For work, replies the German.
Occupation? asks the agent.
No, I'll just be here a few days.
A German is visiting France.
The border patrol officer asks, "name?"
Hans Mueller.
"Occupation?"
No, just visiting this time.
A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control
His turn comes and he steps to the agent.
The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.
The agent asks, Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"
The Brit responds, Right, so that's still a requirement?"
A German was pulled over by police in France.
The French police officer takes the German man's license, and then asks for the German's name.
"Heinrich Klimt" the German responds.
"Age?" Asks the officer. "31" the German responds.
"Occupation?" The police officer asks.
"No, no" the German replies, "Just visiting".
A german visits France...
and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:
- Name?
- Albert Schmidt.
- Nationalite?
- German.
- Occupation? (In a French accent)
- No no, just visiting.
Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:
cop: name?
Otto: Otto
cop: address?
Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin
cop: Occupation?
Otto: no, just visiting...
When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,
The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.
A German in France
A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German "reason for travel ?"
"For work", replies the German.
Occupation ? Asks the agent.
"Not this time"
A geman goes to the french border
A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Not today"
Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country
He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, Name?
Vladimir Putin
Country of Origin?
Russia
Occupation?
No, no. Just visiting.
Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter
Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.
A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.
Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.
The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.
Officer: What is your age?
Tourist: 31 years old.
Officer: Occupation?
Tourist: No, just visiting.
How is s**... work different from other occupations?
You get fired unless you s**... at your job
A German gets to border security...
Border guard: "Occupation?"
The German: "No, just visiting"
Whats you father's occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
A german tourist goes to Poland
In the border, the guard asks him some questions.
Guard: Name?
German: Hans Guttenmark
Guard: Age?
German: 29
Guard: Occupation?
German: * smiles * No, just visiting.
an occupation of a kid
Mother: You can't imagine how many times I have to call him before he finally comes to me. I wonder what will he do for a living when he grows up...
Father: a waiter?
Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!
Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?
Russian: Business
Customs agent: Occupation?
Russian: Yes
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.
The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:
"Name?"
"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."
"Do you have a visa?"
"No, but we were invited here."
"Occupation?"
"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."
Putin lands in a foreign country and approaches the immigration desk
The border official reads through his passport and asks: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."
A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport
Nationality?
Russian.
Occupation?
No, I'm just visiting
A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.
FPO: Name?
GT: Hans Schmidt.
FPO: Age?
GT: 36
FPO: Occupation?
GT: No! No! I'm only here on vacation!
A Chinese man is walking through customs.
The customs officer asks him his occupation
The Chinese man replies, Tibet
A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.
The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."
Little Johnny, the magician's son
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolteacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.
"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.
"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."
Angela Merkel visits Athens for a farewell visit before stepping down as Chancellor
She arrives at the airport and is stopped by the customs official.
"Name?"
"Angela Dorothea Merkel."
"Nationality?"
"German."
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting for a few days."
I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.
These days she just goes through the motions.
Putin lands with airplane in kiev airport
The immigration officer looks at his passport and asks:
Occupation?
Putin says:
No, this time just visit
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
Credit to pjabrony
A man approaches an Ukrainian immigration officer.
"Name?"
\-"Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin."
"Adress?"
\-"Kremlin, Moscow, Russia."
"Occupation?"
\-"No, this time just visiting."
Russia
Putin feels like taking a trip and heads to the Moscow airport.
Immigration: Destination ?
Putin: Ukraine
Immigration: Occupation ?
Putin: Yes
