Occasionally Jokes
68 occasionally jokes and hilarious occasionally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about occasionally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Occasionally Short Jokes
Short occasionally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The occasionally humour may include short rarely jokes also.
- All these people having threesomes, twosomes, and even the occasional foursomes All I ever have are handsomes
- What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters? The mailman
- Women are like parking spaces... Normally, the good ones are taken so occasionally, when nobody is looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
- I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
- As a fat guy I never really have more pep in my step... But I do occasionally get a little more throttle in my waddle.
- There was a young lady named sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally.
She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap
and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!" - The employees at my bank are soo nice these days! Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!
- I play the world's most dangerous sport. I ~~sometimes~~ occasionally disagree with my wife.
- I still occasionally fap over my ex Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper
- Women call me ugly occasionally. But that's only until they hear how much money I make... Then they say I'm poor and ugly.
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Occasionally One Liners
Which occasionally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with occasionally? I can suggest the ones about seldom and frequently.
- A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.
- I am occasionally forced to wear women's clothes. It's a real drag.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like the occasional vegetable.
- What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten
- I wouldn't say I never exercise... Occasionally, my nose runs.
- What do you call a vegetarian that occasionally eats meat? A liar
- Chuck Norris occasionally smokes large cigars.
The last one was called the Hindenburg. - Why are United passengers like a bag of mixed nuts? Occasionally, one's a salted.
- What do you call a neon sign that flickers? Neon, the Occasional.
- What's round and black and blue? A blueberry that occasionally gets hit by her husband
- Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
- What do you call an Asian who's tolerable some of the time? Occasionally (OK Asian Lee).
- Why is there the occasional black Jew? Because Hilter kept them in the oven for too long.
- Women are like snorkels... They can go down, but occasionally need to come up for air.
- I rarely find c**... jokes funny. But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.
Amusing & Witty Occasionally Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about occasionally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eventually jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make occasionally pranks.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because we're living in a world where people need to do that occasionally!
Women are a lot like tennis rallies
Occasionally, a back hand is needed to stay in control
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand
The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.
Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg r**... and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"
A couple of old guys sat at the bar...
Ernest pops up with a comment "George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"
They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip.
Ernest says "When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."
A few minutes later, he says "Now I can bend it with one finger!"
Another few sips and he says "George, how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?"
Math puns are boring
Algebra puns are too linear, arithmetic puns are too basic, trigonometry puns are too graphic, calculus puns are all derivatives. Only the statistic puns are the occasional outlier.
Whenever I go bowling....
I enter my name as "3 t**...".
That way, occasionally the monitor says "Congratulations 3 t**...! You got a spare!"
Furniture
A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a s**... sofa."
The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"
The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a s**... sofa, my husband said he'd like an occasional piece in the living room."
Women are like boats
I'd rather pay for the occasional ride than go through the hassle of having my own.
Christmas in rural America
I live in rural America. On Christmas morning occasionally I will hear gun shots in the distance. This means one of two things:
1) Someone got a new gun for Christmas
2) Someone didn't
I like my women how I like my ice cream...
Rich, thick, and occasionally headache-inducing.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
What's the difference between i**... aliens and space aliens?
Occasionally, space aliens will go back to where they came from.
Fear of the Dark
The recently concluded Father's Day made me recall that one time when I was a kid having trouble getting to sleep because I was afraid of the dark. My father said to me, "Son, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there when the lights are on - except for the occasional swarm of bats. So, g'night."
Stay neglectful my friends
I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don't always watch my kids but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
I was filling out an immigration form but when it asked "s**..." I tried to answer truthfully even though this is awkward...
I wrote "Occasionally". What can I say? I'm married.
Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert
Sometimes I wish that I was a physics Professor named Albert and that occasional situations would arise where somebody would come fetch me for consultation. I would burst into the room wearing a terry aerobics headband and exclaim, "did somebody say let's get physics Al?
What cleans the dishes, spends most of its life in the kitchen and occasionally takes a load from the husband...
A dishwasher
It's ok to occasionally tell white lies. Don't ever tell black lies though.
Because Black lies matter.
What is the gender of the small council in westeros
Mostly male, but occasionally it Varys
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?
Roommates occasionally have s**...
The problem with math jokes
Calculus jokes are derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are too formulaic but arithmetic jokes are just basic.
The outlier is the occasional statistics pun.
My job always gets me wet. I occasionally do it standing up, but often do it while laying on my back. Men call me for help when they don't want to do the job themselves. What am I?
A plumber.
Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix
There once was a girl named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
And cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."
A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.
One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally o**... s**... will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's screaming for help. The nurse rushes in to find the hubby pulling up his pants screaming, "I did what you said, but I think she choked."
He walks through the midday heat, an occasional shot clips through the trees overhead.
He and many men like him question their logic to sign up. They could be home, spending time with their families but instead they are outside, dehydrated, fighting a battle they probably won't win. Their frustration mounts as they realize it's nothing at all like all the games they played as kids.
He's on the 3rd hole of the tournament and he's already 7 over par.
There are many problems with math puns.
Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.
But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
A man has a wonderful Horse
It's a marvellous Horse, good looking and everything. But it also occasionally gets very dangerous and vicious.
Causes tons of trouble, breaks things, violent etc.
So he goes to the vet and asks what can I do with this horse
The vet says that's a very easy problem and I am glad to help you
The man says ok, so what should I do
The Vet says the next time your horse is behaving well, sell it
Does your wife occasionally steal money from you?
Mine does. So sometimes, I let her have it!
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, I'm drawing God.
The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, They will in a minute.
Tables turned
We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my m**... neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.
Big b**...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I figured it was time to get out of the house. My neighbor with the big b**... has been gardening t**... all afternoon," the guy tells the bartender. "That doesn't sound too bad," the bartender laughs. "Well it wouldn't be if his wife would try it occasionally," the guy replies.
TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes
He became widely known as the pun usher.
Finally got my daughter to admit I can make good dad jokes... occasionally.
My 10 year old was putting away her laundry, and I noticed that she had a large pile of unfolded socks. I asked her why she hadn't put them away yet, and she said, "I can't because these are all single."
I said, "I know why they are single. They haven't found their sole mates yet."
She literally snorted, and told me that I finally made a good one.
Patient: Am I a bad person because I occasionally like to vape?
Psychiatrist: Not at all. It's really not a big deal.
Patient: Thanks! That's such a velief
Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...
... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:
"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.
"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied the elevator boy.
"Is it the motion going down?" pursued the lady.
"No, ma'am."
"The going up?"
"No, ma'am."
"Is it the stopping that does it?"
"No, ma'am."
"Then what is it?"
"Answering questions, ma'am."
Source: 1913 newspaper
Eddie izzard bee joke
Beekeepers as well say - I want to be a beekeeper. I want to keep bees. No I don't want them to get away, I want to keep them. Too much freedom. I want bees on elastic so when they get Poland they come back here. My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him. I want to walk in their footsteps and their footsteps were like this. I'm covered in bees covered in bees is actually a job. Isn't it it they must lose it beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You know you're there you got the netting you've got two thousand bees and essentially you're trying to steal honey. mMorning morning morning hello not coming in hello - look there's a Ferrari over there can you see that Ferrari yes it's going bet fast. Isn't it well morning thank you must be just walking back with all these bees room at some point in let's go what * am i doing I'm coming to me hell! Goddamn be and you don't get the normal perks of a normal job like people who work in an office. They have other people there you can flirt you know you're gonna. Hey hey you new here are you getting lift you want a coffee is he's gonna get a coffee did you know. I like my coffee like I like my women in a plastic cup. Beekeepers can't do that. Hello there you're in the street. You're new aren't you? You want a cup of coffee. Just no problems no no real problem. Throwing a cup of coffee from you you're covered in bees. I like my women like I like my coffee. They're coming to me back off back off back off back off back off always just behind you if beekeepers did get together and go on a sort of general outing and they in a van with a load of bees flying faster faster faster faster faster let go put your foot down yes
