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Occasion Jokes

79 occasion jokes and hilarious occasion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about occasion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Occasion Short Jokes

Short occasion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The occasion humour may include short incident jokes also.

  1. Two Snowmen are in a field... ...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots."
    My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion.
  2. Why is Santa Claus always a man? Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
  3. On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said I'm worried about what's going on with you . What's weirder is they think my name is crane .
  4. What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute? Your thirty-second birthday.
  5. There's only one occasion that Communism jokes are actually funny. When everyone gets them.
  6. My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.
  7. I only drink on special occasions... Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today
  8. I like my women like I like my whiskey... Light brown, from the south, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.
  9. I ordered a steak last night and it came a bit undercooked. I don't usually eat it that way.. ..But last night was a rare occasion
  10. What does a arsonist and a bartender have in common? For special occasions, their cocktails are on the house.

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Occasion One Liners

Which occasion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with occasion? I can suggest the ones about event and condition.

  1. I only drink on two occasions a year When it's my brithday and when it's not.
  2. I only drink in two occasions: When it's my birthday... and when it's not.
  3. What is a drill's favorite dance? The Twist, but they also like de walts on occasion
  4. What do ghosts drink on special occasions? Boos
  5. When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat? When your hair is dyed
  6. Comdoms should be used on ever conceivable occasion.
  7. How do bakers deal with tough problems? They ryes to the occasion and dough not quit.
  8. Poor Will... Everyone's always firing at him.
    A joke my grandad would use on occasion.
  9. A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah
  10. I was trying to bake the world's fluffiest cookie... But it didn't rise to the occasion.
  11. Life Advice Condoms should be used on ever conceivable occasion.
  12. I only ever drink on 2 occasions. Christmas and not Christmas
  13. My Aunty Dandruff is always avoiding family occasions Some would say she's a bit flaky...
  14. Why souffles are not served in Airline meals? It can't possibly rise to the occasion
  15. What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year? ram a man

Occasion joke, What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year?

Cheerful Fun Occasion Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about occasion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make occasion pranks.

Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.

Are you always this s**... or is today a special occasion?

The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Black sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

A guy walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender for eight shots of whiskey, doesn't matter what kind. Bartender asks "What's the special occasion?" The guy says "I'm celebrating my first b**......" The guy takes three shots quickly. The bartender says "congratulations! Have one on me, but why so many shots?" The guy says "To get the taste out of my mouth."

A man walks into a bar...

And has the bartender line up 5 shots. The man takes all 5 shots in under a minute to the bartender's surprise.
"Wow, what's the occasion?" the bartender asks.
"First b**...," the man replies with a slight grin.
"Congrats! The next one's on me," the bartender offers
"No thanks. If 5 shots haven't gotten the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the 6th will"

Bubba n' Buford IV

Law enforcement officers in east Texas must also be linguists on occasion just to communicate. Take the time Bubba n' Buford were pulled over outside of Madisonville and the officer walked up and simply said "You boys have any ID?". Now that would seem a simple, clearly understood request...but not in east Texas. Buford with a puzzled look on his face responded "ID 'bout what?"

When my dad was a doctor going through residency...

...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."

7 shots

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 v**... shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first b**..." .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will

A husband and wife, both 86 years old, get interviewed by the local paper

for the occasion of their 60th wedding anniversary. The journalist asks the woman what she hopes their future might hold, and she says
"Oh, I'd like for us to live to 100 together."
The journalist asks the man, who says
"I hope to live to 101."
"Why's that?" asks the journalist.
"All I want is to have one year of peace and quiet."

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

My buddy's first b**...

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of tequila.
Bartender lines up 10 shots of tequila and the guy shoots all 10 shots one after another.
Bartender asks guy what the special occasion is, or why is he slamming shots in a celebratory manner.
Guy says it was his first b**....
Bartender says: "That's great! Let me give you a shot on the house!"
Guy says: "no thanks, if 10 shots of tequila can't get that taste out of my mouth, nothing can."

The Albino and the Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."

A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots.

The the bartender pours the shots and asks the man what the occasion is. The man says "First time for a b**... today." The bartender congratulated the man and said "For such an occasion, I'll add a 12th shot on the house." The man said "Nah, don't worry about it. If 11 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, 12 won't either."

A Hydrogen atom walks into a bar...

...and asks for a shot.
Bartender, "what's the occasion?"
Atom, "I think I lost an electron."
Bartender, "you sure?"
Atom, "I'm positive."

My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....

We're going to church.

A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.

The bartender asks:
"What's the occasion ?"
"I just had my first ever o**... s**......" goes the guy.
"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".
"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".

So this Pharaoh was making a dinner reservation...

Tutankhamen- I'd like to make a reservation for dinner, it's a special occasion. Name, Tutankhamen.
Restaurant Host- Oh, nice, who will you be dining with?
Tutankhamen- Oh my wife, also my sister and step-mother.
Restaurant Host- Ok, I'll put you in for a table for four, near the grotto.
Tutankhamen- Four? I'm just bringing Ankhesenamun.

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

Great Scot!

Waiter: Are you here for a special occasion?
Campbell: Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest... A haggis dinner for two.
Waiter: What were the other prizes?
Campbell: Second prize was a single haggis dinner, and if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.

3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their s**... lives...

the 40yr old says " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are doing it wrong, 'cuz I get it every night!"
" how do you manage that?"
" I told my wife my heart was too weak for s**........"

Guy walks into a bar asking 10 shots of tequila

So the bartender asks what's the occasion. The guy replies he just had his first b**.... Bartender feels happy for the guy and says "first one is on the house". Guy replied "if 10 can't wash the taste off my mouth, I don't see how 11th would help"

Went to the bar the other night

There was a guy with five shots lined up in front of him.
I asked him, "What the occasion?"
He said, "My first b**..."
I said, "That's great, let me buy you another"
He said, "No thanks, if five can't get rid of the taste, six won't either"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders 11 shots of tequila, the bartender asks
"oh, is there an occasion for this?"
The man says "I had my first b**..."
Bartender says "well in that case I'll give you another on the house!"
The man replies "no thanks, if 11 don't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will"

After numerous occasions of my phone taking ages to connect to iCloud, i decided to change its name to Titanic...

it syncs way better now!

No way Jose! Another? I can Harvey believe it. Irma find somewhere safer to live.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?

A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.

Man walks into a bar

and orders 10 shots of tequila. Bartender surprised by the order asks what's the occasion? The man says "I just had my first b**...". With cheer in his voice bartender says "well if it's so, then I'll throw in 1 on the house". the mans says "if 10 shots can't wash that taste out of my mouth, I doubt 11 will"

An expecting couple is buying party supplies.

The cashier asks What's the occasion?
Oh, We are having our baby shower, says the wife.
That's pretty impressive, says the cashier. My wife and I still have to bathe ours.

Great Moments in Lawyering

"Have you ever attempted s**...?"
"Yes, on multiple occasions."
"Did you ever succeed?"

Today is the international day of the gullibles

I'm so happy, I bake a cake for the occasion!

What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?

Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.
Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.

I can't stand it when my friend plays Skyrim.

Personally I play a lawful good approach, trying to stay out of trouble, but when I invite Jacob Yu over he goes full-on thief! Always breaking into homes, stealing things, getting fined and thrown in jail. I ask him on occasion if he'd prefer a different playstyle, but he simply prefers this one. So every time he comes over, I know...
It's a fine day with Yu around.

Which president had the most fun during their tenure?

Truman. He had a blast on a few occasions.

My Grandad was a great man and went down in history

And on one occasion he fingered a girl in geography.

Spiderman designed a new outfit that he can wear to formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

a young man walks into a bar

A young man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of his cheapest whiskey.
As the bar tender is lining up the shot glasses and is pouring "what's the occasion"?
The young man replied "I just experienced my first b**...".
"So you celebrating"? asked the bar tender.
No... just trying to kill the taste.

My career's in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

Judge: It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.

Man: Yes my Lord.
Judge: How many clothes did you steal?
Man: One dress.
Judge: You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?
Man: My wife didn't like the first five.

I have only one rule when it comes to attire

I dress to meet the bare minimum standards that any given occasion dictates.
I call it...
Occam's Blazer.

Some say cake is for special occasions

I say it is for exploiting the reddit community for upvotes!

My Grandpa saw the Titanic

From the very beginning, he warned everyone that the ship would sink. But nobody listen to him.
He was a brave man, he never gave up. He warn them again and again on many occasions... Until they kick him out from the cinema.

My teenage son asked me, "Dad, when should I use a c**...?"

I replied, "Every conceivable occasion."

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.
The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen
Minister said, "Your highness"

Occasion joke, A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

jokes about occasion