Occasion Jokes
77 occasion jokes and hilarious occasion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about occasion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Occasion Short Jokes
Short occasion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The occasion humour may include short incident jokes also.
- Two Snowmen are in a field... ...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots."
My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion. - On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said I'm worried about what's going on with you . What's weirder is they think my name is crane .
- What's an occasion they you only celebrate for half a minute? Your thirty-second birthday.
- There's only one occasion that Communism jokes are actually funny. When everyone gets them.
- I only drink on special occasions... Luckily for me, I just broke my record for consecutive days alive today
- I ordered a steak last night and it came a bit undercooked. I don't usually eat it that way.. ..But last night was a rare occasion
- What does a arsonist and a bartender have in common? For special occasions, their cocktails are on the house.
- Some say cake is for special occasions I say it is for exploiting the reddit community for upvotes!
- I have only one rule when it comes to attire I dress to meet the bare minimum standards that any given occasion dictates.
I call it...
Occam's Blazer. - After numerous occasions of my phone taking ages to connect to iCloud, i decided to change its name to Titanic... it syncs way better now!
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Occasion One Liners
Which occasion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with occasion? I can suggest the ones about event and condition.
- What is a drill's favorite dance? The Twist, but they also like de walts on occasion
- When is the best occasion to wear a gravestone marker hat? When your hair is dyed
- Comdoms should be used on ever conceivable occasion.
- How do bakers deal with tough problems? They ryes to the occasion and dough not quit.
- Poor Will... Everyone's always firing at him.
A joke my grandad would use on occasion. - A Jewish lawyer lost his job He celebrated the occasion with a disbar-mitzvah
- I was trying to bake the world's fluffiest cookie... But it didn't rise to the occasion.
- I only ever drink on 2 occasions. Christmas and not Christmas
- My Aunty Dandruff is always avoiding family occasions Some would say she's a bit flaky...
- Why souffles are not served in Airline meals? It can't possibly rise to the occasion
- Fashion tip: time, place, occasion and $5 please.
- Are you always this s**... or is today a special occasion?
- What's a closeted Isis fighter's favourite occasion during the year? ram a man
Cheerful Fun Occasion Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about occasion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make occasion pranks.
Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
“The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
You have to be flexible to work here.
On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
A man walks into a bar in Soviet Russia...
...and orders a beer. He puts down the usual ruble. The waitress comes over and says, "It's now two rubles-one for the beer and one for *perestroika*."
On the next occasion the man puts down two rubles, and the waitress returns one of them. "No more charge for *perestroika*?" the man asks. "Oh yes," the waitress replies, "there's still the charge for *perestroika*. There's no more beer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.
Bubba n' Buford IV
Law enforcement officers in east Texas must also be linguists on occasion just to communicate. Take the time Bubba n' Buford were pulled over outside of Madisonville and the officer walked up and simply said "You boys have any ID?". Now that would seem a simple, clearly understood request...but not in east Texas. Buford with a puzzled look on his face responded "ID 'bout what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my dad was a doctor going through residency...
...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."
A husband and wife, both 86 years old, get interviewed by the local paper
for the occasion of their 60th wedding anniversary. The journalist asks the woman what she hopes their future might hold, and she says
"Oh, I'd like for us to live to 100 together."
The journalist asks the man, who says
"I hope to live to 101."
"Why's that?" asks the journalist.
"All I want is to have one year of peace and quiet."
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my whiskey...
Light brown, from the south, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.
The Albino and the Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black Sheep
A m**... is sent into the deepest part of Africa to live with a tribe.
One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village chief confronts the m**...: "You have taught us of the evils of s**... sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village!"
The m**... replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look over at that field. See the flock of white sheep? - and yet amongst them one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."
"Tell you what," the chief says, "I won't tell on you .. you don't tell on me."
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe...
..He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
Jokes to Cheer someone up
Okay, my best friend is feeling down, and I want to help cheer her up. Give me your best jokes for the occasion!
My wife just put lipstick on. She only does this on special occasions...you know what's next fellas.....
We're going to church.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.
The bartender asks:
"What's the occasion ?"
"I just had my first ever o**... s**......" goes the guy.
"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".
"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, nothing will".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
So this Pharaoh was making a dinner reservation...
Tutankhamen- I'd like to make a reservation for dinner, it's a special occasion. Name, Tutankhamen.
Restaurant Host- Oh, nice, who will you be dining with?
Tutankhamen- Oh my wife, also my sister and step-mother.
Restaurant Host- Ok, I'll put you in for a table for four, near the grotto.
Tutankhamen- Four? I'm just bringing Ankhesenamun.
An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...
Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.
"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and death alike, so let's raise a glass to the good times in our past and drown our sorrows about my impending demise."
The two of them make a fine night of it, matching each other pint for pint, and by midnight they're roaring drunk. Some of Seamus's friends see them drinking and toasting and come over to see what's going on.
"Well, lads," says Seamus, "'Tis a grand shame, but I'm sorry to say, I'm dying o' AIDS."
"But, Da! You dinna have AIDS - you have cancer! Why would you go and tell them a thing like that?"
"Because, son, I don't want those fellas sleeping with your mother when I'm gone!"
I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.
I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.
Great Scot!
Waiter: Are you here for a special occasion?
Campbell: Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest... A haggis dinner for two.
Waiter: What were the other prizes?
Campbell: Second prize was a single haggis dinner, and if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their s**... lives...
the 40yr old says " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are doing it wrong, 'cuz I get it every night!"
" how do you manage that?"
" I told my wife my heart was too weak for s**........"
We only use fine China for important occasions
I think people in other countries do the same for the fine American weapons we sold them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just attended my mother in-laws f**....
Apparently "Ding d**... The Witch is Dead" was not an appropriate song for the occasion.
Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.
An expecting couple is buying party supplies.
The cashier asks What's the occasion?
Oh, We are having our baby shower, says the wife.
That's pretty impressive, says the cashier. My wife and I still have to bathe ours.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My granddad was something of a legend: he actually went down in history
and on one occasion, fingered a girl in geography.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Great Moments in Lawyering
"Have you ever attempted s**...?"
"Yes, on multiple occasions."
"Did you ever succeed?"
THREE vampires walk into a restaurant one casual night.
The host welcomed them in and showed them their seats.
While they were seated, a waiter comes by to ask for their orders:
Vampire 1: "I'm hungry and have saved a lot of money for such an occasion. I'll have a glass of your finest human blood"
Vampire 2: "I'm kinda saving up for stuff, so I'll just have a cup of raw pig blood."
Vampire 3: "I don't have a lot of money with me today, so I'll just have a cup of hot water."
The two vampires and the waiter look at him with contempt
Vampire 3: "What're you looking at me for? I picked this pantyliner from the street so I'm just gonna make tea."
Today is the international day of the gullibles
I'm so happy, I bake a cake for the occasion!
What's the difference between a wicker basket and wicker box?
Wicker basket is what Little Red Riding Hood carried to Grandma's house.
Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does to his girlfriend on special occasions.
The Pillsbury Doughboy didn't make it very far in the baking competition.
He just couldn't rise to the occasion
I can't stand it when my friend plays Skyrim.
Personally I play a lawful good approach, trying to stay out of trouble, but when I invite Jacob Yu over he goes full-on thief! Always breaking into homes, stealing things, getting fined and thrown in jail. I ask him on occasion if he'd prefer a different playstyle, but he simply prefers this one. So every time he comes over, I know...
It's a fine day with Yu around.
Dad Jokes
Dad jokes aren't an affliction that happens to dads, they're a way of life. No one should ever be ashamed of #dadjokes. Instead, if you are a father, you should be worried if you don't know enough good dad jokes.
You know that old saying, Where there's a will there's a way? That's a pretty good one. Another good saying? A corny joke doesn't have to have any kernels in it. Yeah, that's not a real saying. But it feels like it, right? That's the beauty of #dadjoke — that wordplay makes you self-satisfied and your kids want to disappear under the dinner table. It's one of the perks that comes with a lifetime membership to the dad club, so make sure you have a good groaner for every occasion.
Which president had the most fun during their tenure?
Truman. He had a blast on a few occasions.
My friend doesn't believe in wishing people for any occasion. But she makes an exception on one day for me.
Happy fools' day.
Spiderman designed a new outfit that he can wear to formal occasions.
It's a class action suit.
Gray Hair
A curious child asked his mother: Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!
The child replied innocently: Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.
George loved to eat watches
Every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner George would eat his favorite brand of watch.
Feeling fancy? A Rolex does the job better than any restaurant.
Special occasion? A grandfather clock would fit any event perfectly.
Going on a diet? Apple watches are the way to go!
His family didn't see it though, they thought he was crazy for his bizarre choice of food. They decided to stage in intervention in order to help him quit.
We're worried about you, George his wife said, you need to stop. This isn't good!
Well, I don't see what that problem is, George defended, tell me what's wrong with them!
Well, George, his sister interceded
They're just too time consuming
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My career's in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!
We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....
February 30, 2021
Judge: It is stated here that on six occasions, you broke into the boutique.
Man: Yes my Lord.
Judge: How many clothes did you steal?
Man: One dress.
Judge: You broke into the boutique six times but stole only one dress?
Man: My wife didn't like the first five.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My teenage son asked me, "Dad, when should I use a c**...?"
I replied, "Every conceivable occasion."
A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was
Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.
The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen
Minister said, "Your highness"
