Observe Jokes
46 observe jokes and hilarious observe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about observe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Observe Short Jokes
Short observe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The observe humour may include short observation jokes also.
- Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.
- Man's March (on Washington) Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.
- Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.
- Something I've observed in my life. You never know how many people you dislike until ... you have to name your child
- „Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you... „Babe, your observation skills are really good.
- Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope? Video killed the radio star.
- A quantum object turns from wave to a particle... "It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"
- I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias. The results were exactly what I expected.
- People at my work are subject to quantum effects They behave differently if a superviser is observing.
- A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee. He comments, "Itchy knee, son?"
The son replies, "I already know how to count, Dad!"
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Observe One Liners
Which observe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with observe? I can suggest the ones about inspect and monitor.
- A lot of comedy today is observational humor You guys ever noticed that?
- My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere.
- Observational humor isn't funny See?
- A non-observable electron... ...went into two bars...
- Do you know how much I hate observational comedy? This much.
- I like to observe people in lines. I'm in Wait Watchers.
- Where are doctors most observant of their patients in the hospital? In the ICU.
- As we observe the anniversary of 9/11 today, remember... All buildings matter.
- What's the most observant reptile? An investi-gator
- Why do innovators study marine biology? To observe their e-fish-in-see
- Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?" A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."
- What do you call people who observe owls reproducing? A hornithologist.
- I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance. She won't even toss my salad.
- For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy's really improved .
- What does the observable universe and WWE have in common? No edge
Gather Around for Heartwarming Observe Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about observe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aware jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make observe pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
Two kids are walking down a dirt path...
a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo moma is so s**.......
she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern
How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)
I just came up with a really good Schroedinger joke.
But I won't know if it's funny or not until you observe it.
Women are like roller coasters.
##
I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and I'll never go on a big one.
Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space
jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.
On a scale of 1-10 how enthusiastically did Mitsubishi observe Pearl Harbor day?
Zero
Larry is a biologist who prefers to observe his deep-sea specimens up close in the field
He works well under pressure
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are like rollercoasters.
I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and due to my height they don't work well with me anyway.
Three Greeks and Three Turks are riding a train.
The Turks each buy one ticket, but the Greeks only buy one ticket total. The Turks are confused.
"How can you ride with one ticket?"
"Watch and you shall see."
The Greeks get on the train and pile into the bathroom. The Turks sit near the bathroom and observe. The conductor knocks on the door and says "Ticket please." The Greeks slide the ticket through the door.
The Turks think this is ingenious! They decide to try it, so on the ride back they buy only one ticket. But the Greeks don't buy any.
"How will you ride without any tickets?"
"Watch and you shall see."
They get on the train. The Turks pile into one bathroom, the Greeks into another. One Greek gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the bathroom the Turks are hiding in, and says:
"Ticket please."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Native American boy walks up to the the Chief of his tribe...
He says to the Chief "Great Chief, where do the people of our tribe get their names?" the chief replies, "Well, each infant is given a name by their father seconds before the mother gives birth. You see, what the father does is observe the nature around them and let its spirit inspire them." The boy says "I see, this makes some sense to me." and the Chief explains to the boy, "You're friend, Soaring-eagle, received his name when his father saw an eagle fly directly above the hut that his wife was giving birth in." The boy still looked slightly confused, so the Chief asked "Why exactly are you seeking this information. Did you want to know where you're name originated, Twodogsfucking?"
Handy money-saving tip: Avoid spending money on expensive binoculars...
...by simply standing closer to the objects you wish to observe.
Why did the physicist move across the street from the haunted graveyard?
To observe spooky action at a distance!
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
I was travelling in a train when I heard an announcement on PA.
The announcement was "If you observe anything or anyone looking suspicious or dangerous, please report to us at 555-5555."
At that time I looked over at the female passenger seating besides me. Then I remove my phone and dialed the number 555-5555. She started looking at me suspiciously.
As soon as the line connected, I said,"Hello, I want report a suspicious looking female who is seating next to me. She seems to be dangerous as well."
At that point, the suspicious and dangerous looking female snatched my phone and shouts ,"Stop doing that John. I am your wife!".
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class
a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms."Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Three aliens
Three aliens, Bu; Chu and Fu, are sent to Earth to document local civilization. They land in America, and use advanced technology to make themselves look human. After they collected some data (including large percentage of English language), Bu said to the others: "Maybe we should change our names to fit in. Then we can observe much better." The other two agree. "I´ll be Buck" said Bu.
"I think I´ll be Chuck" said Chu. Fu decided to leave the rest of the mission to those two and returned to his home planet.
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass.
It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
"Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating
whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian.
The British guy says, " Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners".
French guy says: "Non, non, monsieur they were both French. First of all they were both n**..., and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts".
Russian guy says: "Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were nothing but Russian. They had no clothes. They had no heat. All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called it paradise!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip
In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.
"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"
Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson... someone has stolen our tent."
Schrodinger's Wayne.
He's either Bruce Wayne, or Batman depending on when you observe.
So a Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena.
A Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena. The sit down in front of a door, they inspect the room on the other side and conclude that there is no exit other than the entrance. They then watch as one person enters the room, and then later, two persons exit.
The Biologist, puzzled at first, concludes that the only rational conclusion is the person reproduced.
The Physicist, first assuming there was no error in observation, states that there must be some new physics inside the room.
The Mathematician in deep thought says, "I don't know, but if we have another person enter the room, it should be empty!"
Military Benefits
Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
My grandmother told me this one...
So it happens in a fancy restaurant.
One day, the hygiene commission arrives to see if the criterias are respected and the restaurant is clean and safe etc.
They observe that everytime someone orders a coffee with sugar, the waiters take one sugar cube with their fingers and put it next to the coffee, on the little plate. The inspector is disgusted by that behaviour and tells to the boss : "you must never touch the sugar with your hands ! What if an employee has been to the toilet and didn't wash their hands ? Use sugar tongs instead."
So the boss gathers his employees and tells them : "Here, take these. We've been told we had to use them, because sometimes you might go to the toilet without washing your hands, or whatever..." and he gives each waiter a pair of sugar tongs.
Moments later, the boss is wandering around when he sees one of the waiters preparing a coffee, and taking the sugar cube with his hands.
"What did I tell you earlier ?! Where are your tongs ?"
The waiter takes them from his pocket ; "here boss !"
"Why are you not using them ?"
"But, boss... I use them, like you told us ! Everytime I go to the toilet !"
