Observance Jokes
99 observance jokes and hilarious observance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about observance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Observance Short Jokes
Short observance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The observance humour may include short jokes also.
- Three guys are drinking methanol. "Quickly, let's finish the bottle, it's getting dark already," one of them observes.
- A man takes his sick wife to a doctor.. The doctor after making initial observations, says - 'Sir, your wife doesn't look so good'. To which the man replies, 'Yea, but she gives great head'.
- Man's March (on Washington) Can be observed every day at 8am. Also known as going to work.
- Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.
- Something I've observed in my life. You never know how many people you dislike until ... you have to name your child
- „Honey, I feel so ugly and fat, I really need a compliment from you... „Babe, your observation skills are really good.
- Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope? Video killed the radio star.
- A quantum object turns from wave to a particle... "It's just a prank bro! Look, there's the observer!!"
- I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias. The results were exactly what I expected.
- People at my work are subject to quantum effects They behave differently if a superviser is observing.
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Observance One Liners
Which observance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with observance? I can suggest the ones about and .
- A lot of comedy today is observational humor You guys ever noticed that?
- My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation. That came out of nowhere.
- Observational humor isn't funny See?
- A non-observable electron... ...went into two bars...
- Do you know how much I hate observational comedy? This much.
- I like to observe people in lines. I'm in Wait Watchers.
- Where are doctors most observant of their patients in the hospital? In the ICU.
- As we observe the anniversary of 9/11 today, remember... All buildings matter.
- What's the most observant reptile? An investi-gator
- Why do innovators study marine biology? To observe their e-fish-in-see
- Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?" A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."
- What do you call people who observe owls reproducing? A hornithologist.
- I think my wife is overdoing her lent observance. She won't even toss my salad.
- For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy's really improved .
- Yo momma's so fat! It's just an observation.
Observance Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about observance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make observance pranks.
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.
OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Soviet Russian
are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. The Frenchman says, "They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman replies with, "Clearly they're English. Observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian then notes, "They are Russian of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, and they think they are in paradise."
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
A visit to the zoo.
A father and son were observing a tiger in its cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and his son was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," the son said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up .....…"
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take to get back home?"
Observation
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are observing an empty house.
They see a man walk into the house. An hour later, two men walk out of the house.
The physicist says, "There must have been an error when measuring the number of people entering the house!"
The biologist says, "The man must have somehow reproduced!"
The mathematician says, "There are now -1 people in the house."
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a f**... procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
Two kids are walking down a dirt path...
a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"
A Japanese man observes his son scratching his knee.
He comments, "Itchy knee, son?"
The son replies, "I already know how to count, Dad!"
An observation by Adam Hills
"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)
A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician ....
are sitting at a café across from an empty building.
They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave.
The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements."
The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building."
The mathematician opines, "If now one more were to enter the building, it would again be empty."
And then the programmer replies "they must've used a b**...".
A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...
...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"
He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I was in the immigration center, I followed a man named Hans Olafsen. When they asked my name, I told them 'Sam Ting'".
A biologist, a physicist and a chemist visit the beach...
Three scientists visit the beach, a biologist, a physicist and a chemist.
The biologist is so amazed at the marine life that they walk into the ocean never to be seen again.
The physicist is so amazed by fluid dynamics that they walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
The chemist looks at the ocean, picks up a stick and writes a simple observation in the sand. "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."
Two blondes were driving in a car
They observed another blonde rowing a boat out in the middle of a grassy field. They first blonde turned to the second and said "it's blondes like that that give us a bad name". "Yeah" said the second blonde, "and if I could swim, I'd go out there and drown her"
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
Sherlock and Watson take a vacation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Some ladies were sitting in a park..
Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.
One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?"
The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space
jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
I take the bus to school
So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.
Yo moma is so s**.......
she could observe the particles in the double slit experiment and still get an interference pattern
From my observations I've noticed that many jokes about 9/11...
...tend to be inside jokes.
Female hormones in a beer
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
A young first officer asks his Captain
A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."
What do politicians, n**... women, and electrons all have in common?
**They change their behavior when being observed.**
(Does anything else?)
In ww2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
Hey girl, are you a white dwarf?
Because you're one of the hottest bodies in the observable universe. (It's only natural for a star)
A forbidden love
"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn't grow back.
I'm not sure what the science is behind this, but I'm sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.
An Amish family went to the city for the first time ever.
They went to a mall. The Amish man saw an old woman get into an elevator. He observed with curiosity as he had never seen anything like it before. Two minutes later, a young beautiful woman came out of the same elevator.
The Amish man turned to his son and said
"go get your mother!"
A particular species of frog, found in South American rainforests, has been observed to leap higher than a 1 story house.
This is due to the extremely powerful hind legs of the frog, and the fact that houses cannot leap.
Women are like roller coasters.
##
I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and I'll never go on a big one.
The US postal service releases a stamp of Donald Trump
After sometime, reports start to come in that the stamp was not sticking. Infuriated that his own stamps were not working, Trump conducted a $1,300,000 investigation to find out what happened. After eliminating all of the possibilities, they observe the post office to see if the fault was on the consumers end. They soon found out that people were spitting on the wrong side.
Life was recently discovered on Mars.
NASA had recently sent more cameras to monitor the surface of Mars when they came across a creature that they had never seen before. Due to it's large ears and long tail they decided that this was some new form of feline species. However, upon closer inspection they found that this creature was not moving and in fact had large tire marks across it's back. Based on these findings NASA had but one unfortunate observation to make.
"Curiosity killed the cat"
I've just joined the Jehovah's Observers.
It's like being a Jehovah's Witness but we don't like to get involved.
I got fired for naming my invention the Direct Interface for Long-Distance Observation.
The boss accused my team of pulling it out of an unauthorised Acronym Synthesis Service.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
I just came up with a really good Schroedinger joke.
But I won't know if it's funny or not until you observe it.
The Job Interview
Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, They must be French, they're n**... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.
The kindly old man said to the boy, Can I help you with that sonny?
At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.
There , said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. Now what do we do young man?
We run like h**... mister , the boy replied.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."
A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts
He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.
Three men are standing at the train station.
They are talking to each other and they don't even notice that the train already came and is now already moving. They all run towards the door, and two of them manage to jump on the train, but the third one stays on the platform. An observer comes to the man and says: wow, your friends are fast! The man responds: Yeah, but they were here just to e**... me to the train!
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, I'm drawing God.
The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, They will in a minute.
A group of tourists in Africa where enjoying a guided tour….
A group of tourists in Africa were enjoying a tour of the bush observing the wild life. The guide says to everyone , Don't be surprised if you see an elephant wearing sunglasses.
One of the tourists asks-
why would an elephant be wearing sunglasses?
The guide replies- "Well, they do this to so they can go unnoticed at the beach."
The tourist then said- That's ridiculous!! My hotel is right on the beach and I've never seen an elephant."
The guide replies-
"I guess it works."
Sister Ann Putting on Weight
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little f**...!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field.
As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided them by four."
Three comedians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be, guys?"
The observational comic replies, "Isn't this just typical!" The slapstick comedian slips and bangs his head on the bar. Then the absurdist comedian says, "This joke is well-structured in a formal sense but not particularly funny."
I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.
Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
"No officer.
Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.
Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"
I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.
One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident that Happened. So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"
The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
It took me a whole minute to understand this.
Artist
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, They will in a minute.
There was once an Austrian physicist who discovered that the sound of an object changes pitch as it passes by an observer...
...But before he could publish his findings someone stole his work and took all the credit for it.
Turns out the physicist had a Dopplerganger.
An optimist falls off of a cliff
As he plummets to the ground he observes to himself: So far, so good!
A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.
The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"
And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.
The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live in the depths below?"
And so he too dives into the water and is never seen again.
The chemist, after having observed everything that happened, then pulls out his lab notebook and writes,
*The physicist and the biologist were both soluble in water.*