Obliges Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."

The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!

"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender

The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"

"Well, what do you have?"

"A dollar."

Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, he is really badly burned. It's hard to tell. Turn him over, would ya?" The mortician is confused, but obliges, and flips Ed onto his stomach. The friend shakes his head and says "Naw, that ain't Ed."

The next friend comes in, and says "Damn, he's pretty badly burned. I can't make out his face or anything. Turn him over." Again, the mortician is confused, but again obliges. The friend says "Nope, that's not Ed."

The mortician finally asks "Why did you guys both ask me to turn him over?" The friend replies "Well you see, Ed has two assholes." The mortician is astounded. "Really? Two assholes?? How do you know that?" The friend says "Well every time we'd walk into a room people would say 'Here comes Ed with those two assholes.'"

A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."

For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and exclaims, "Jane works here???"

A woman takes her dead parrot into a vet's office...

And lays it upon the examination table. The vet takes one look at the deceased bird and says, 'Sorry Ma'am, but your parrot is dead.' The woman isn't satisfied, and asks for a second opinion. The vet obliges and pokes his head into the next room and calls in a second doctor. A cat saunters in, jumps up onto the table, looks up to the vet with sorrow in his eyes and says, 'Meow.' 'Sorry,' the vet says, 'my colleague says your parrot is dead. The woman still isn't satisfied and wants yet another opinion. The vet, as before, pokes his head into the next room, but this time a dog bounds in, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the bird and barks. 'Sorry Ma'am, but that's three doctor's opinions. Your bird is certainly dead.' 'Alright,' the woman says, 'you win, here's the $50 for the appointment.' '$50?' The vet exclaims, 'You owe me $150 for the extra cat scan and the lab report.'

Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...

The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of rum." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.

The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."

Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the same time. The man pays his $200 and walks away slightly confused, but very relaxed.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions another man. "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." She brings him to the closet, performs her amazing feat, and collects her money from the flabbergasted stranger.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions the same man from the 1st night (having forgotten she had already "conned" this particular gentleman.) "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." Being somewhat wiser, the man agrees, but asks to go to his car briefly before she starts. He grabs the small flashlight out of his glovebox, so that THIS time, he can see what the promiscuous woman is doing to accomplish this amazing trick.

She takes him into the closet, and begins to suck his dick and sing the national anthem. Just as she started the part about ramparts, the man clicks on the flashlight and there he sees a glass eye-ball rolling around on the table.

Blind man sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please."

The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please."

For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and says, "Jane works here???"

Another vampire joke.

3 vampires walk into a blood bar.

The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.

The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.

The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."

So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"

The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.

The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.

The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,

"Bring. Posse."

A woman goes to the doctor,

Woman: Lately I have developed this problem of wetting my bed while sleeping.

Doc: Go behind the curtains, take off your clothes and do a headstand in front of the mirror.

The woman obliges. The doctor comes in, parts her legs and keeps his chin on top of her vagina.

Woman: So Doc, what's the problem with me?

Doc: You should stop drinking before going to bed, that's all.

Woman: Then why the hell did you make me do that?

Doc: Oh, I just wanted to see how'd I look with a beard.

The Pope visits The United States...

and is being driven in a Limousine. Having never drove one, he asks the chauffeur would he mind if he had a spin. The driver duly obliges and lets the pope take the the wheel.

Enjoying himself a bit too much, he sees a flash of blue before being pulled over for speeding. The officer approaches and when he looks in the window says: "Just give me a sec here."

Frantically he calls the chief: "Hey chief, I have a problem here, I pulled a guy over for speeding but I'm not sure what to do, he's a VIP"

"Well, who is it? If it's the mayor, just forget about it."

"No, he's bigger than the mayor."

"What, the president!"

"No, bigger than that."

"Well who is he?"

"I don't know who the fuck he is, but he's got the pope driving for him!"

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me a beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts."

The bartender obliges, the man drinks them down and repeats, "Quick, give me another beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts."

The bartender obliges and the man repeats the phrase, "Hurry, one more round before it starts."

The bartender says, "Hold on there buddy, how are you gonna pay for all these drinks?"

The man says, "Shit, it just started."

A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...

Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"

"I won it in a raffle." she replies.

The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run a bath for her. He obliges and runs about a half inch to an inch of water in the tub. She comes in and asks him why he didn't fill the tub up.

He says, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

a penguin is driving through Texas when ...

... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler. He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, Hitler obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.

"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" Hitler answers.

The man's eyes widen.

"Why the clown?" the man asked, after a long period of silence.

Hitler laughs. "I was only joking. See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

This guy goes to a new bar on top of the empire state building...

When he walks in he sees one guy sitting at the bar and sits a few seats away from him and orders a beer. The other guy sitting at the bar calls him over to sit on the stool next to him. Since he seems so friendly he obliges and sits next to him.

When he does, the other guy says to him, You see that stool you're sitting on? That was in the Titanic!

Bull shit!"

Honest to God. That's not all though! Do you see that painting over there on the wall?"

Yeah, what about it?

It's an original Van Gough!

No way! I don't believe it!

Then the guy says, Want to see the craziest thing of all though? You see that window there, third to the left? Well something weird happens out there. You jump out and fall down 50 feet then come back up!

To which the man replies, Now I know you're lying to me!

No! I'll prove it to you!

They walk over to the window and the man jumps out and drops 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 feet then comes back up. The man in awe exclaims, That was amazing!! Do it again! So he does and falls down 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 feet and comes back up. When he gets there he looks at the other guy and tells him to give it a try. So he jumps out and falls 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 feet all the way down and splats on the sidewalk. The other guy looks down then walks back to the bar and orders another beer and the bartender says, Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk.

Snails

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.

The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.

A Redneck is on his honeymoon....

As they step into the bedroom, she disrobes.

He says, "First, woman, make me a drink".

She slips off her panties and says, "Only if you put these on".

He begrudgingly obliges and puts his feet through the holes of her lacy thong.

At his thighs, the thong won't stretch any more.

He tells his new wife, "WOMAN, I CAN'T GET IN YOUR PANTIES!"

She says, "And you wont, until you change that fucking attitude"

"Just a Head"

So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a beer. The bartender obliges and the father feeds his son a beer. All of a sudden, A TORSO SPROUTS OUT OF HIS HEAD. The bartender, the father, and everyone in the bar is going crazy at this point. The bartender gives him another beer, ARMS sprout from the newly acquired torso! The bar is a mad house. One more beer and LEGS COME OUT OF THE TORSO! He's now dancing around using his new legs for the first time. Of course he's never used legs before, and he is a little tipsy so he accidentally stumbles outside and gets hit by a truck and dies.

The Bartender looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

A Cowboy and a Native American

A Cowboy and a Native American walk into a saloon in the old west, the bartender looks at the Native American and says "We don't serve your kind here."

The Cowboy turns to the Native and says "I'll order our food, just go outside and run the back and forth up the road to keep yourself warm."

The Native American obliges. The Cowboy orders and is sitting there waiting for their food and having a drink when a man walks in and says "Whose horses are those outside?"

The cowboy replies "They're mine"

The man says "Well you left your injun running."

A man rushes into a bar...

The young barkeep asks him what he wants.
"A whiskey, as quick as you can!"
The barkeep brings it to him and the man downs it straight away.
"Another! make it a double"
The barkeep once again obliges and the man downs it again.
"Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"
The barkeep, a bit shocked, once again obliges and again the man downs both.
The barkeep, now getting curious, says to him.
"Excuse me sir, why are you drinking so much so quickly?"
He responds, "If you had what I had, you'd be doing the same!"
The barkeep asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what have you got?"
The man responds...

"No money!"

A man goes to the dentist...

... to have some teeth pulled out. As the dentist is preparing a shot of Novocaine, the man freaks out. "Doc, I'm deathly afraid of needles. Do you have anything else?"

The dentist obliges him and prepares some laughing gas. As the dentist is about to put the mask over the man's face, the man freaks out again. "Doc, I am extremely claustrophobic and can't stand having anything over my face. Don't you have *anything* else?"

The dentist, frustrated at this point, goes into his office and comes back with a little blue pill. He tells the man, "Here take this." The man, confused at this point, asks "Why do I need Viagra?"

The dentist replies, "This is going to hurt, so I'm giving you something to grab onto"

The old one about a guy and his big toe

So this guy has had a sexual fantasy for years about having sex with a gal using his big toe. After years of thinking about non-stop and never finding a gal to participate, he hires a hooker.

She obliges and it is just as awesome as he thought it would be, but a week later he gets a crazy rash on his big toe. He goes to the doc who looks at it and says "Hard to believe, but you have gonorrhea on your big toe!"

Our guy, trying to cover his guilt, exclaimes "that is crazy! Have you ever seen such a thing?"

Doc says "No, but I had a gal in here yesterday with Athlete's Cunt"

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

An elderly couple goes into a doctors office

and the man asks the doctor, "There's nothing specifically wrong with us, but we were wondering if you would be so kind as to watch us have sex, to make sure there's nothing wrong."

The doctor obliges, and the couple make love in the small room, while he looks on. After they finish, he tells them that he sees nothing wrong with them, that they are very healthy, and to feel free to come by any time if they need anymore help.

A week later, the couple show up again and go through the same process. The doctor again tells them that they are fine, and they leave. This happens over and over again, over the course of several months, and finally the doctors says, "Look, there's obviously nothing wrong with ether of you or your sex life. Why do you keep coming here?"

The old man says, "Well, my wife's at home, her grand kids are at her house, a hotel costs upwards of $70 a night, and this place is covered by my HMO."

Einstein dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

Einstein dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter tells him, "Oh, Einstein, we've not quite finished preparing your living quarters, so we'll have to ask you to temporarily room with a few other men for the time being." Einstein obliges, and St. Peter takes him to his temporary room, where he meets his 3 roommates. St. Peter, introducing Einstein to the first man, says "Einstein, this is Mark. He has an IQ of 130." Einstein says "Oh, wonderful, we'll be able to discuss physics together." St. Peter introduces him to the second man, "Einstein, this is James. He has an IQ of 150." Einstein says, "Marvelous, we'll be able to discuss mathematics and literature together." St. Peter introduces him to the third man, "Einstein, this is Will. he has an IQ of 80." Einstein turns to Will and says, "Oh, nice to meet you Will! So where do you think interest rates are headed?"

An Irishman walks into a bar...

...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.

"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."

This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"

"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

A man goes to the doctor to get the test results he'd been waiting on...

And he asked the doc, "So how'd the tests go?" The doctor says with a solemn look, "Not well. I'm afraid have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?" After pausing for a moment the patient says "Just give me the worst news first." The doctor obliges and tells him, "Well there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. You have AIDS." The patient is stunned and replies, "Wow.. I... Wow that's terrible. And you have even more bad news for me?" The doctor says "Unfortunately yes. The test results showed that you have Alzheimer's disease." The patient looks relieved and replies, "Well that's not that bad. At least I don't have AIDS!"

A woman calls her butler into the bedroom

A woman calls her butler into the bedroom and says:

"Jeeves, take off my gloves."

Jeeves replies: "Yes my lady."

The lady then continues by saying:

"Now Jeeves, I want you take off my dress and corset."

Jeeves replies: "Of course, my lady."

The lady then says:

"Jeeves, now I want you to take off my undergarments."

Jeeves obliges the request and says:

"As you wish. Will there be anything else my lady?"

The lady replies:

"Yes Jeeves, please don't ever wear my clothes again."

Stop Sign

A man gets pulled over by a police officer for running a stop sign. The officer says "you didn't stop at that stop sign." The man replies "oh come on, I slowed down to almost a stop." The officer looks at the man and says "please step out of the vehicle sir." The man obliges, and at this point the police officer starts to beat him with a baton and says "now do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"

Making Pizza

This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.

A young boy and girl are walking through the woods together when they spot two squirrels having sex. The little girl asks "What are they doing?" and the boy, knowing what they are really doing, says "Oh, they're making pizza." They continue on and see two bears having sex. The girl asks again what they're doing, and the boy responds again "Making pizza.". Finally her curiosity got the best of her, and the girl says to the boy "It looks like they're enjoying themselves. I think I want to make pizza too." The boy obliges and they start having sex in the middle of the woods. A few minutes later the girl says to the boy "Ok, I think the pizza's done." and the boy replies "How are you sure?". The girl says "Because the cheese is running down my leg."

A man with Parkinsons goes to a whore house

A man with Parkinsons goes to a whore house. He shakingly goes to the front and says: "Give me 5 whores!"

The owner tells the man: "No way old man, I don't want you to die inside!"

The man replies: "Just give me 5 whores, I'll pay anything!"

The owner obliges, calls on his best 5 girls and they lead the shaky man into a room.

The man says: "You two blondies hold my legs, you two brunettes hold my arms, and you redhead, bend over."

The girls grab his arms and legs, the redhead bends over, the man pushes his penis inside her and yells "RELEASE!!"

A man finds his friend drunk at a bar

His drunk friend is staring intensely at his soup.

"Hey buddy, what's up? You ok?"

"Nah man -slurs his friend drunkenly-, this soup man, it won't let me eat it"

"What do you mean?"

"It just won't let me eat it! It's impossible to eat!"

"I'm sure you can eat it if you try"

"IT JUST WON'T OK? You try and see for your self"

The guy, amused, obliges, and tries his friend's soup, while the drunk friend stares in disbelief.

"That's amazing! I've tried to eat it three times, and it just comes back into the bowl!"

A husband and wife are stuck in the snow...

the husband tells his wife "The tires aren't getting any traction, take off your shirt and stick it under the right front tire". The wife obliges. The husband pushes down the accelerator and the car doesn't budge. "Take off your pants and put them under the left front tire". Again the wife does this, and again it is no help. He then says "Take off your bra and stick it under the right rear tire and take your underwear off and stick them under the left rear tire". The wife does this and much to her chagrin, it is no help at all. So the husband tells his wife, "We need to get out of the snow, go up to that farmhouse and ask the farmer if he can get us out". The wife exclaims "I am naked and my clothes are ruined". The husband then says "Here take my boots and tuck them up in between your legs and the boot soles will cover your lady business". So the wife does this and awkwardly walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer comes and opens the door and there stands the wife. She looks up at the farmer and exclaims, "MY HUSBAND IS STUCK AND HE CAN'T GET OUT".

A man walks into a bar

sits down and says to the barkeep "I need a shot and a beer before the fight." Barkeep obliges the man with a drink. The man says to the barkeep " I need another shot and a before the fight." Barkeep thinks to himself, this must be a bad fight, and gives the man another shot and beer. The man downs his shot and chases it with the beer and asks for another shot and beer before the fight. Now the barkeep is curious and asks "Sir, you must be in a bad situation. What is this fight all about?" The man replies "I haven't got any money on me"


Sorry if this has been posted before. Heard it several years ago and it's stuck with me since then.

The rich lady comes home after a day of shopping,

when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:

\- Come here.

The servant, heads down, obeys.

\- Take off my jacket.

Hands shaking, he obliges.

\- Now... Take off my dress.

Slowly, he does so.

\- Hm... Now take off my socks and my garter belt.

He does so, not saying a word.

\- Now... My bra and my panties!

Looking down and shaking, he obeys.

\- Now, if I get you wearing my clothes ever again, I will fire you once and for all, do you understand?!

Three men come up to a Priest, telling him that they have sinned, and asking him what to do...

The Priest responds to first man, asking "What is it that you have done, my son?"

The first man responds, "I murdered a man." The priest responds, "If you drink the holy water, you will be cleansed all of your sins". The man obliges, and drinks the holy water.

The priest then asks the second man, "What is it that you have done, my son?"

The second man responds, "I robbed a bank of millions of dollars." The priest again responds, If you drink the holy water, you will be cleansed of all of your sins. The second man obliges as well, and drinks the holy water.

The priest then asks the third man, "What is it that you have done, my son?"

The third man replies, "I pissed in the holy water."

So three mice get into Heaven...

And they are greeted by St. Peter. Peter says to them "Because you lived good lives, each of you gets one wish." They say to Peter "We spent our entire lives running from predators, and our legs got very tired. Can you give us skateboards to get around?" Peter obliges, and they get three skateboards.

About a week later, Peter is checking in on everybody in Heaven. He runs into the cat that died about a month earlier, and he asks how he is doing. The cat says "Heaven is fabulous! I especially love the meals on wheels you sent me a few days ago!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

... The barman obliges and the man knocks it back and orders another.

And another

And another

14 whiskeys later, the barman asks "Celebrating? "

The man replies "First blowjob"

The barman responds "Well congratulations! Let me get you another. On the house"

"No thanks" replies the man.

"If 14 whiskeys won't take the taste away, nothing will."


Oldie but a goodie.

A guy stumbles into a bar...

...sits down and orders a beer. He is quite obviously very drunk but the bartender reluctantly serves him anyway. While the bartender is pouring the beer the man slurs,

"I'll bet you a round on the house that I can get up on this bar and whistle Dixie out of my asshole!"

The bartender refuses at first but the man is stubborn and won't let it go.
So the bartender obliges, again quite reluctantly, and says,

"Fine. But you better not make a mess on my bar! And when you're done you've got to leave."

The drunk man seems fine with that and proceeds to climb up on the bar, drop his pants around his ankles, bend slightly forward, and takes THE BIGGEST drunk person's, beer and Taco Bell shit all over the bar top!

The bartender is livid and trying not to vomit.

"What the hell man! I should have you arrested!"

The drunk man replies, "Now hold on just a second. I'm not done. Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat!"

A girl asks to take her dad's car out for the day

A girl wants to go out with her friends for the day so she asks her dad to borrow the car. The dad, hesitant to let his daughter take the car says "You only can take it if you give me a blowjob". She obliges and begins to give her dad a blowjob.

She quickly stops and says "Ew dad your dick tastes like shit!"

Dad: "Oh right, your brother has the car."

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar, dits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges and brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in thenpirwtes pants.

The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate responding, "Arrggg, I not be sure, but it's driving me nuts."

A man with no arms walks into a public restroom...

and comes up to the urinal. He looks to the guy at the urinal beside him and says, "Hey man, I know this is weird but I really need to pee and obviously I can't get my own dick out. Could you please help me out here." The other man, seeing there is no one else in the restroom, decides to be a good samaritan and helps him out. After a couple of minutes the guy with no arms looks at the good samaritan and asks if he can help him put it away now. The second guy obliges again under the condition that the armless man never tell ANYONE about this. As they're leaving the second guy looks at the armless man and asks,"By the way, when I was down there I noticed some green stuff all over your penis. What was that?" "Man I have no idea I just didn't want to touch it."

Sperm Bank...

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank." "Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement it`s her husband. "There," he says, "it`s not that difficult is it!?!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer and a dice

The bartender, slightly curious, obliges and serves him what he asked for.

The man says:

"You can come out we are served"

Promptly, a tiny man, no taller than a chalk, proceeds to climb out of his chest pocket and sits on the dice to enjoy a tiny bit of the beer that's been poured in a carved little piece of wood.

The bartender, in complete disbelief, goes:

"What.. What am I seeing?! What happened to him!?"

-Argh! It was in Africa! A small village called umm...

He glances down at his tiny fella and asks:

"Hey Carl, what was the name of that village you called the wizard a cunt?

A tramp walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick.

The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.

A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.

The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.

The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"

The tramp replies "Well, someones been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."

A man walks into the tailors and asks to try on some of the suits

The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. These are all terrible! , he cries.

Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, Fine, suit yourself!

A deranged maniac shoves a gun in a man's face and says "drop your pants or die."

The man begs "Please, no, just kill me. You can do what you want when I'm dead."


The maniac obliges and shoots before picking up the dead man's Nordstrom bag. The jeans are all relaxed-fit and now covered in blood. He sighs, frustrated.


"Tasteless bloody homophobes."

What kind of Tree is that?

So there is an Oak and Pine tree beside each other. Between them is a tiny sapling and they are arguing over who the sapling belongs to. Along comes a wood pecker who lands on the Oak and starts drilling away.

"Hey Wood Pecker, come here." Said the Oak and the Wood Pecker flies up on a brand near his face.
"Me and the Pine here are trying to determine whose kid that is. Will you go down there and find out?" Said the Oak. The Wood Pecker obliges and goes down and starts drilling away at the sapling. He returns to the larger trees and lands on a branch staring at the two.
"Well, what is it." Said the Pine.
The wood pecker turns and says
"I gotta tell you boys, that's the best piece of Ash i've ever stuck my pecker in."

A man walks into a bar ....

.... and says: "Quick, give me a shot before it's starting."
He just gulps it down in one and goes: "Quick, another one, before it's really starting."
The bartender obliges and hands him his third drink and asks: "Hey, sorry, but 3 is our credit limit. Can I see some cash?"
To which the man throws back his drink and goes: "Aaaaw crap, it's already starting."

A man goes the doctor claiming to be constantly tired during the day.

The doctor says to him "Play the song "Losing my Religion" on repeat in your bedroom, while you sleep."


The man obviously thinks that it is a ridiculous treatment, but obliges the doctor nonetheless.


The next day the man bursts into his doctor's office and yells: "I feel fantastic!! How the did that actually work?!"


The doctor replies: "You weren't getting enough REM sleep."

What are the funniest obliges jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Obliges? Well, here are the best Obliges puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Obliges pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes