Obliges Jokes
34 obliges jokes and hilarious obliges puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about obliges that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Obliges Short Jokes
Short obliges jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The obliges humour may include short obliged jokes also.
- The new Russian AI application ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them
- Have you walked 500 miles? Have you walked 500 miles?
Have you been asked to walk 500 more?
You may be entitled to compensation!!!
For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!! - If The Safety Dance comes on, are we obligated to dance? I mean, I know we can dance if we want to
- Girl, are you a Collateralized Debt Obligation? Because a lot of rich people are trading you around and a few insiders have told me you're completely toxic.
- I hear Hillary really resented Sanders's hastag #FeelTheBern She was worried how obligated Bill would feel when #FeelTheClinton caught on.
- If you buy cabbage from Coles you are legally obliged to buy carrots and mayo as well It's called Coleslaw
- I'm the kind of guy who would feel morally obligated to eat what I kill... So please don't try to rob my house...
- I'm clicking on this post now. I think it's mildly humorous how this joke is written in the first person, so I'll leave an upvote because I feel obliged to do so.
- My nieces are darlings... My nieces are darlings said Sid.
I'm obliged to do whatever they bid.
As I tucked them in bed,
I asked "What's to be read?"
"Uncle Remus!" they cried, so I did. - TIL that if you thank or reward someone for something before they do it, they feel obliged to do it thanks for the gold, stranger!
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Obliges One Liners
Which obliges one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with obliges? I can suggest the ones about owes and mandate.
- If you crack a Joseph Stalin joke.. I am obliged to give full Marx for effort.
- How about a month filled with stress and obligation? - Pitch for December
- Who's the most helpful female rapper? Mary J Obliging
Great Obliges Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about obliges you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean urges jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make obliges pranks.
A child tells the make a wish foundation.
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
You can't take it with you
A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does as asked and soon after the man dies.
A few months later the wife is cleaning out the attic and finds the suitcase. "s**... idiot" she says "I knew I should have put it in the basement."
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."
The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!
"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender
The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"
"Well, what do you have?"
"A dollar."
A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"
Double punchline Buddhist joke.
A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and sees h**.... He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, h**... obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.
"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" h**... answers.
The man's eyes widen.
"Why the clown?" the man asked, after a long period of silence.
h**... laughs. "I was only joking. See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
Stop Sign
A man gets pulled over by a police officer for running a stop sign. The officer says "you didn't stop at that stop sign." The man replies "oh come on, I slowed down to almost a stop." The officer looks at the man and says "please step out of the vehicle sir." The man obliges, and at this point the police officer starts to beat him with a baton and says "now do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?"
A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism
A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the Police on suspicion of terrorism.
The Police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges.
In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught in possession of weapons of maths instruction!"
A pirate walks into a bar...
A pirate walks into a bar, dits down and orders a drink. The barkeep obliges and brings a drink for the pirate, and he notices there is a steering wheel in thenpirwtes pants.
The barkeep was too curious to not inquire what was going on. "Excuse me sir, can I ask why there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responding, "Arrggg, I not be sure, but it's driving me nuts."
A man walks into the tailors and asks to try on some of the suits
The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. These are all terrible! , he cries.
Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, Fine, suit yourself!
A man goes the doctor claiming to be constantly tired during the day.
The doctor says to him "Play the song "Losing my Religion" on repeat in your bedroom, while you sleep."
The man obviously thinks that it is a ridiculous treatment, but obliges the doctor nonetheless.
The next day the man bursts into his doctor's office and yells: "I feel fantastic!! How the did that actually work?!"
The doctor replies: "You weren't getting enough REM sleep."
So a snail goes to a car dealership
and requests the fastest sports car the dealer has to offer. The car dealer points him to a brand new red race car, fastest in the market. The snail is ecstatic and buys it, telling the car dealer he'll be back tomorrow to pick it up.
"But before I do pick it up," says the snail, "I'd like a big 'S' painted on each side!"
The car dealer obliges, paints a big 'S' on each side of the car, and waits until the next day for the snail to return. Well, the snail returns, hops into his car, and speeds off through the wall into the oncoming traffic, driving off. The car dealer's boss runs up to the car dealer and exclaims,
"Wow! Look at that S car go!"
A man asks that he be buried with a suitcase of gold
An old man asks his family that, when he dies, they take all his savings, convert them into gold bars, put them into a suitcase, and bury the suitcase with him.
The family obliges and, upon his death, buries the suitcase with him.
The man arrives at the gates of heaven with his suitcase. The angel at the gates is curious and asks what he has there with him.
"See for yourself!" exclaims the man and opens up the suitcase for the angel to see.
The angel looks at the contents of the suitcase, and then back at the man, confused "Pavement?"
A guy comes back after a vacation...
He's in the airport when the custom agents stopped him.
"Sir, open the bag" said the agents.
The man obliges and opens the bag, revealing clothes, hygiene products and a small bottle of transparent liquid.
"What is this, sir?" asks one of the agents.
"Lourdes Holy Water, sir." he answers.
The other agent doesn't believe him, he opens the bottle and sniffs it, before saying:
"Hey, this is v**...!"
The man throws himself on the ground, hands in the air shouting: "IT'S A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!"
The rich lady comes home after a day of shopping,
when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:
\- Come here.
The servant, heads down, obeys.
\- Take off my jacket.
Hands shaking, he obliges.
\- Now... Take off my dress.
Slowly, he does so.
\- Hm... Now take off my socks and my garter belt.
He does so, not saying a word.
\- Now... My bra and my p**...!
Looking down and shaking, he obeys.
\- Now, if I get you wearing my clothes ever again, I will fire you once and for all, do you understand?!
A Cowboy and a Native American
A Cowboy and a Native American walk into a saloon in the old west, the bartender looks at the Native American and says "We don't serve your kind here."
The Cowboy turns to the Native and says "I'll order our food, just go outside and run the back and forth up the road to keep yourself warm."
The Native American obliges. The Cowboy orders and is sitting there waiting for their food and having a drink when a man walks in and says "Whose horses are those outside?"
The cowboy replies "They're mine"
The man says "Well you left your i**... running."
A t**... walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick.
The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The t**... then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another t**... enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the t**... goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another t**... walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The t**... replies "Well, someones been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."
A woman calls her butler into the bedroom
A woman calls her butler into the bedroom and says:
"Jeeves, take off my gloves."
Jeeves replies: "Yes my lady."
The lady then continues by saying:
"Now Jeeves, I want you take off my dress and corset."
Jeeves replies: "Of course, my lady."
The lady then says:
"Jeeves, now I want you to take off my undergarments."
Jeeves obliges the request and says:
"As you wish. Will there be anything else my lady?"
The lady replies:
"Yes Jeeves, please don't ever wear my clothes again."
Snails
A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.
The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.
"Just a Head"
So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a beer. The bartender obliges and the father feeds his son a beer. All of a sudden, A TORSO SPROUTS OUT OF HIS HEAD. The bartender, the father, and everyone in the bar is going crazy at this point. The bartender gives him another beer, ARMS sprout from the newly acquired torso! The bar is a mad house. One more beer and LEGS COME OUT OF THE TORSO! He's now dancing around using his new legs for the first time. Of course he's never used legs before, and he is a little tipsy so he accidentally stumbles outside and gets hit by a truck and dies.
The Bartender looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."
A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down.
A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"
The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"
A man walks into a bar
sits down and says to the barkeep "I need a shot and a beer before the fight." Barkeep obliges the man with a drink. The man says to the barkeep " I need another shot and a before the fight." Barkeep thinks to himself, this must be a bad fight, and gives the man another shot and beer. The man downs his shot and chases it with the beer and asks for another shot and beer before the fight. Now the barkeep is curious and asks "Sir, you must be in a bad situation. What is this fight all about?" The man replies "I haven't got any money on me"
Sorry if this has been posted before. Heard it several years ago and it's stuck with me since then.
Another vampire joke.
3 vampires walk into a blood bar.
The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.
The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.
The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea."
An Irishman walks into a bar...
...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up.
"Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this."
This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?"
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"
Three guys walk into a bar, an air force pilot, a marine, and a police officer...
The pilot says "I'll have a pint of your finest lager." The bartender serves him some beer. The marine says, "Line up three shots of r**...." The bartender obliges. Finally the cop says "Give me a glass of cabernet." The bartender gives the cop his wine. The three men pay, have their drinks and leave.
The bartender looks bemused as though he expected something different. He sets out some tumblers, and starts pouring gingerale into each one. He follows with some orange juice. The old wino at the end of the bar asks him what's up. He says "After all this, I felt we needed a punch line."
A man rushes into a bar...
The young barkeep asks him what he wants.
"A whiskey, as quick as you can!"
The barkeep brings it to him and the man downs it straight away.
"Another! make it a double"
The barkeep once again obliges and the man downs it again.
"Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"
The barkeep, a bit shocked, once again obliges and again the man downs both.
The barkeep, now getting curious, says to him.
"Excuse me sir, why are you drinking so much so quickly?"
He responds, "If you had what I had, you'd be doing the same!"
The barkeep asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what have you got?"
The man responds...
"No money!"
A wife comes home with a new Coach bag...
Her husband asks, "Where did you get that?"
"I won it in a raffle." she replies.
The next day she comes home with a new diamond bracelet. He asks her again, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
"I won it in a raffle." she says again. Later that evening, she asks her husband to run a bath for her. He obliges and runs about a half inch to an inch of water in the tub. She comes in and asks him why he didn't fill the tub up.
He says, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
a penguin is driving through Texas when ...
... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"
A man goes to the doctor to get the test results he'd been waiting on...
And he asked the doc, "So how'd the tests go?" The doctor says with a solemn look, "Not well. I'm afraid have bad news, and I have worse news. Which would you like first?" After pausing for a moment the patient says "Just give me the worst news first." The doctor obliges and tells him, "Well there's no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. You have AIDS." The patient is stunned and replies, "Wow.. I... Wow that's terrible. And you have even more bad news for me?" The doctor says "Unfortunately yes. The test results showed that you have Alzheimer's disease." The patient looks relieved and replies, "Well that's not that bad. At least I don't have AIDS!"
Making Pizza
This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.
A young boy and girl are walking through the woods together when they spot two squirrels having s**.... The little girl asks "What are they doing?" and the boy, knowing what they are really doing, says "Oh, they're making pizza." They continue on and see two bears having s**.... The girl asks again what they're doing, and the boy responds again "Making pizza.". Finally her curiosity got the best of her, and the girl says to the boy "It looks like they're enjoying themselves. I think I want to make pizza too." The boy obliges and they start having s**... in the middle of the woods. A few minutes later the girl says to the boy "Ok, I think the pizza's done." and the boy replies "How are you sure?". The girl says "Because the cheese is running down my leg."
A man finds his friend drunk at a bar
His drunk friend is staring intensely at his soup.
"Hey buddy, what's up? You ok?"
"Nah man -slurs his friend drunkenly-, this soup man, it won't let me eat it"
"What do you mean?"
"It just won't let me eat it! It's impossible to eat!"
"I'm sure you can eat it if you try"
"IT JUST WON'T OK? You try and see for your self"
The guy, amused, obliges, and tries his friend's soup, while the drunk friend stares in disbelief.
"That's amazing! I've tried to eat it three times, and it just comes back into the bowl!"
