nuts Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nuts puns

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

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What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.




I'll see myself out.

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When my wife left, I was sad and lonely

So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

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How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.

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My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

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What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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I once caught my ex-girlfriend putting acorns into her vagina...

She was fucking nuts.

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If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

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A penis has a hard life

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

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A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

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Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts

Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

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The life of a penis is a sad one....

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

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"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

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Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

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IKEA Lesbian beds

Now on sale atΒ IKEA –LesbianΒ beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

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Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We'd better get some support or people will think we're nuts.

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A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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My wife left me...

When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely.

Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.

She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work.

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My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

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A pirate walks into the doctors office with a steering wheel on his penis

The Doctor asks "Sir, doesn't that hurt?"
and the Pirate replies "Aye, it be driving me nuts!"

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What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

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If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.


Later I found out I'm just dumb.

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A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

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The life of a Dick.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

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What are the most funny Nuts jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nuts? Well, here are the best Nuts dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nuts pick up lines to share with friends.

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