Nuts Jokes

What are some Nuts jokes?

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.




I'll see myself out.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats

"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts

Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...

Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"

The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

Health Class

Three boys received their grades from their sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.

"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"

Why is C afraid of D?

Because DEEZ NUTS!

My favorite one liner. I've only told it out loud so I figured I'd type it type it vaguely.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"

Women are like a box of chocolates

You never know which ones gonna have nuts

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.

No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, You know, I'd like another one.

Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.

The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles' heel but have you heard of Bophades' nuts?

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"

Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?

A ginger snap.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?

Cashew

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

My ex wife's favorite joke.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.

Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Police have warned of a man in craft stores dipping his testicles in glitter.

It's pretty nuts.

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...

A naked guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...

"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"

The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...

On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.

"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."

I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...

This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.

What are the cheapest kind of nuts?

Deer nuts, they're under a buck.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."

The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"

Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday

...the mimes next door went nuts.

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office

He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"

The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.

Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.

Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

Sex Education

Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their sex education teacher.

"I can't believe we failed sex ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."

"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts

I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender looks at him for a moment, before asking, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"

The pirate goes "Arghhh, it be driving me nuts."

Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?

He's still nuts over her.

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."

After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your crotch, right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'

Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'

Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'

Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and

Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.

After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.

The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.


Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."

The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."

The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?

I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck In between his legs

The bartender noticing this says: hey why do you have a steering wheel in between your legs?

The pirate replies: Yarr i don't know, but it's driving me nuts

Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget?

He was nuts over her.

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...

...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.

They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"

"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.

He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"

"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.

"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.

The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"

Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"

The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."

The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"

My girlfriend is a midget and I'm nuts over her

Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.

Bartender: What's with the steering wheel?

Pirate: Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a steering wheel down his pants. He orders a drink. The bartender says "sure thing, I'll get you a drink, but do you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

Pirate says "Arrrr, maytee, its driving me nuts."

Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next day, the British guy had an impressive shelter built and the French guy showed up with berries and nuts, but there was no sign of the Korean guy. Days passed, and they began to get worried, so they set off in search of him. They walked through the jungle for three days without any sign of the Korean guy. Then on the fourth day, as they were about to give up hope, the Korean guy suddenly popped out from behind a rock and yelled "supplies!"

A man walks into a bar on a Wednesday afternoon...

The bar is empty and the bartender is busy in the back washing glasses, so the man calls out, "Hey bartender, could I get a beer please?"

The bartender pours him a beer from the tap and sets a bowl of nuts in front of him, then returns to the back to continue cleaning.

The Man is sitting there drinking his beer and eating the nuts when he hears, "Nice hat!"

He looks about, confused, and then returns to his beer and nuts.

A minute later he hears, "Nice shirt!"

Again he scans the bar, certain of what he heard, but unsure of where it came from.

One minute later he hears, "Nice boots!" And this time he realizes that the sound is coming from the bowl of nuts. He calls the bartender over and asks, "Hey bartender. What kind of nuts are you serving here?"

And the bartender responds, "Oh, those are complimentary nuts."

A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap...

Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.

It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.

The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."ο»Ώ

A pirate walks into a bar...

With a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender notices and says "sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel down your pants?" To which the pirate replies "Arr, it's driving me nuts."

What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?

He screws, nuts, and bolts

How to make Nuts jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Nuts to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Nuts? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Nuts pick up lines to share with friends.

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