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Nuts Jokes

188 nuts jokes and hilarious nuts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nuts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Nuts Short Jokes

Short nuts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nuts humour may include short tons jokes also.

  1. How do you make a room full of epileptics go nut? Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights
  2. My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats "That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
  3. I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25 Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
  4. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
    I'll see myself out now.
  5. Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
  6. Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil. They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
  7. "No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short." "Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
    "Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
  8. Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
  9. My boyfriend is the best cook With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
  10. They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

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Nuts One Liners

Which nuts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nuts? I can suggest the ones about beans and nest.

  1. When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?
  2. What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
    I'll see myself out.
  3. What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
  4. Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad... Wait until No Net December.
  5. Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
  6. Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
  7. What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew
  8. What's the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.
  9. From my 6 yo. What do you call a squirrel that doesn't eat nuts? Hungry
  10. What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him? Imma cashew
  11. What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
    Defend net neutrality.
  12. ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
  13. Do you know what a robot does on one night stand? Nuts and bolts.
  14. Male bees die after mating. -And that's why they call it a honey nut cheerio
  15. Eating popcorn is hella gay.... .....you're just swallowing a busted nut.

These Nuts Jokes

Here is a list of funny these nuts jokes and even better these nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.
  • Why do they call almond milk, almond milk? Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.
  • 10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed. So, be sure to follow the instructions.
    Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.
  • A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
    Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
  • A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
    Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."
  • Why is C afraid of D? Because DEEZ NUTS!
  • A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
    The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
  • Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.
  • A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"
  • Women are like a box of chocolates You never know which ones gonna have nuts

Sees Nuts Jokes

Here is a list of funny sees nuts jokes and even better sees nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My ex wife's favorite joke. Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
    Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
  • A man wrapped in saran wrap and not wearing any clothes walks into a psychiatrist office. The psychiatrist says, I can clearly see you're nuts.
  • A man walks into a psychiatrist's office He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"
  • A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants. Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
    Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
  • What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap? Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
  • Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap? The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"
  • What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall? Walnuts!
    I'll see myself out
  • A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap... Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
  • I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film. He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
  • What is the most allergic nut? The Ca.........shew!!!!!
    I'll see myself out.
Nuts joke, What is the most allergic nut?

See These Nuts Jokes

Here is a list of funny see these nuts jokes and even better see these nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
  • A man wrapped only on Saran Wrap walked into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist says "well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
  • A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
  • A guy wraps himself in plastic wrap A guy wraps himself in plastic wrap, no clothes or anything and walks into a psychologists office.
    The first thing she says is, "I can see your nuts."
  • What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing Saran-wrap pants? I can clearly see you're nuts.
  • Man goes to a psychiatrist wearing only saran wrap for shorts. Psychiatrist says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
  • A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap... The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."
  • Guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but cling film. Doctor says I can clearly see you're nuts.
  • I walked into my psychiatrist's office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear… The doctor took one look at me and said, Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
  • Guys: never wear a Saran Wrap skirt to a job interview... They will clearly see your nuts.

Nuts And Bolts Jokes

Here is a list of funny nuts and bolts jokes and even better nuts and bolts puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
    Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
    "Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .
  • What do you call a robots one night stand? A nut and bolt
  • Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt
  • I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!
  • What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? – He nuts and bolts.
  • What do mechanics call one night stands? Nuts & bolts
  • What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand? He screws, nuts, and bolts
  • Thought of a great slogan for a construction company.. We screw, we nut, we bolt.
  • What does a robot do with his first girlfriend? He nuts and bolts
  • Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes? He screws, nuts and bolts.
Nuts joke, Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes?

Share Hilarious Nuts Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about nuts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean holes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nuts pranks.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a ships wheel on his c**.... One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your c**..., right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

A n**... guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...

"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Health Class

Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"

I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday

...the mimes next door went nuts.

A pirate walks into a bar...

...with a steering wheel down his pants. He orders a drink. The bartender says "sure thing, I'll get you a drink, but do you know you have a steering wheel down your pants?"
Pirate says "Arrrr, maytee, its driving me nuts."

The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your c**..., right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget?

He was nuts over her.

A pirate walks into a bar...

With a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender notices and says "sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel down your pants?" To which the pirate replies "Arr, it's driving me nuts."

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"

Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

What's better than being up to your knees in beer?

Being up to your nuts in cider.

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A Pirate Walks Into the Doctors Office

The pirate walks in and tells the doc he's having an issue down below.
He drops his pants and the doc says, "My god there's your problem! You have a steering wheel attached to your t**...!"
The pirate responds, "ARRR IT'S DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...

...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"

An anatomical original

Thought you'd like a pun.
What sound does a pigeon make
when kicked in the nuts?
[A high coo](/spoiler)

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."

The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...

On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."

Egyptian joke

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

What is green and eats nuts?

s**...

What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"
"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"
"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"
"Ok, I want to understand Women"
"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?

He's still nuts over her.

What's the worst thing about a woman's p**...?

Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

What are the cheapest kind of nuts?

Deer nuts, they're under a buck.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

s**... Education

Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"

An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?

A ginger snap.

I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

My girlfriend is a midget and I'm nuts over her

Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...

... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his c**.... The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

My p**... hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.

Bartender: What's with the steering wheel?
Pirate: Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...

A pirate walks into a bar

with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender looks at him for a moment, before asking, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate goes "Arghhh, it be driving me nuts."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?

Cashew

Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

What does a robot do after s**...?

Nuts and bolts

Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts

I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards

A pirate captain walks into a bar...

...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!"
Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...

This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.
Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?
I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

How does a robot avoid getting caught for public m**...?

He nuts and bolts.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"
The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.

The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"
The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

I know a botanist who does research on nuts.

He works in macademia.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..

Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.

The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew

Nuts joke, Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.

jokes about nuts