Share Hilarious Nuts Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
A pirate walks into a bar...
...with a ships wheel on his c**.... One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your c**..., right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"
A n**... guy walks into a psychiatrist's office...
"You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"
The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Health Class
Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"
I played a blank CD at full blast yesterday
...the mimes next door went nuts.
Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"
Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"
A man is walking past the mental hospital
through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.
You can explore nuts mad reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean nuts cashews dad jokes. There are also nuts puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...
On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."
What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
What's the worst thing about a woman's p**...?
Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
What are the cheapest kind of nuts?
Deer nuts, they're under a buck.
Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:
Why were they all holding bags of candy?
Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?
Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.
s**... Education
Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"
An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?
A ginger snap.
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
A pirate walks into a bar...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his c**.... The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."
My p**... hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.
I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
A pirate walks into a bar
with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why is there a steering wheel sticking out your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Why is C afraid of D?
Because DEEZ NUTS!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
My boyfriend is the best cook
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?
Cashew
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants.
Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.
Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
What does a robot do after s**...?
Nuts and bolts
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...
This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.
I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.
A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...
Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."
Life is like a box of chocolates...
Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public m**...?
He nuts and bolts.
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...
And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"
The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"
The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."
Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.
The mime next door went nuts.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The barkeep says, "you've got a steering wheel in your pants."
The pirate: "Aaarg! And it's driving me nuts!"
Edit * my dad may or may not have told me this joke..
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office
He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"
My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats
"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall.
The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew
Women are like a box of chocolates
You never know which ones gonna have nuts
How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?
Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights
My ex wife's favorite joke.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?
He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles' heel but have you heard of Bophades' nuts?
Police have warned of a man in craft stores dipping his t**... in glitter.
It's pretty nuts.
I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, You know, I'd like another one.
her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.
**waiter:** of course
**me:** it didn't say it had nuts
**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
**me:** that makes sense
**waiter:** and for you?
**me:** steak, no bees, please.
My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"
"that's nuts" I replied.
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
What did one saggy b**... say to the other saggy b**...?
We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!
What did the psychiatrist say to the n**... man?
I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.
I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November
It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly m**... all day.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI's nuts
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender says Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants? Isn't that annoying? The pirate says Arrr, it drives me nuts.
I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were
It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did one saggy b**... say to the other saggy b**...?
Better get some support or people will think we're nuts!
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."
What did one saggy b**... say to the other saggy b**...?
If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
What did one saggy b**... say to the other saggy b**...?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
10% of European babies are conceived on an IKEA bed.
So, be sure to follow the instructions.
Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten.
There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology
It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.
Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.
Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the t**..., and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.
They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts
The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher
From my 6 yo. What do you call a squirrel that doesn't eat nuts?
Hungry
A man wrapped in saran wrap and not wearing any clothes walks into a psychiatrist office.
The psychiatrist says, I can clearly see you're nuts.
My boyfriend is like the forest floor
Nuts and leaves
Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil.
They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides.
His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."
Do you know what a robot does on one night stand?
Nuts and bolts.
Three Questions
Guy goes to a lawyer. "I've got some trouble. What is your lowest rate?"
"I'll answer three questions for $100."
"That's nuts! How can you charge that?"
"Quite easily, sir. Now, what is your third and final question?"
my family is like a box of cereal
Those who aren't nuts or fruits are flakes
A man in a mental health facility was having an argument.
A man in a mental health facility was arguing with a hazelnut. "I'm not crazy! You're crazy!" He says.
The squirrel chimed in and said, "You're both nuts!"
A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.
He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"
Why is joking about old mens nuts so easy?
It's low hanging fruit
A guy walks into a psychiatrist office...
Totally naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.
He said, "Doc I need help..."
The doctor said, "I can clearly see your nuts!"
..Did you hear the news....?
A new mummy was found in Egypt!
However it was found coverd in both chocolate and nuts.
After further investigation it was confirmed, this was indeed... Pharaoh roche living inside of tomb lerone
What did the left breast say to the right breast?
We've got to get some support, or they're going to think we are nuts.
