Nuts Jokes
187 nuts jokes and hilarious nuts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nuts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nuts Short Jokes
Short nuts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nuts humour may include short beans jokes also.
- My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats "That's nut!" I exclaimed.
- I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25 Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
- What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now. - Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil. They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
- Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- My boyfriend is the best cook With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
- I've just found out why they call it 'Almond Milk'. They tried to call it 'Nut Juice' but no one would buy it.
- 10% of european babies are conceived on an IKEA bed. So, be sure to follow the instructions.
Put Peg A into Slot B, and then screw until the nuts tighten. - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!" - A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."
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Nuts One Liners
Which nuts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nuts? I can suggest the ones about bite and toast.
- When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?
- What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out. - What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
- Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad... Wait until No Net December.
- Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
- Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
- What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew
- What's the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.
- From my 6 yo. What do you call a squirrel that doesn't eat nuts? Hungry
- What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality. - ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
- Women are like a box of chocolates You never know which ones gonna have nuts
- I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.
- My boyfriend is like the forest floor Nuts and leaves
- What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts? A ginger snap.
These Nuts Jokes
Here is a list of funny these nuts jokes and even better these nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery? ...when he found out, the guy went nut.
- A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"
- I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth. No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, You know, I'd like another one.
- Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall. The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew
- I met some chess players in the hotel lobby bragging about how good they were It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
- TIL: The vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides. His original instructions were as follows: "Euclipides nuts."
- Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
- What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze? Cashew
- Life is like a box of chocolates... Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.
- My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?" "that's nuts" I replied.
Sees Nuts Jokes
Here is a list of funny sees nuts jokes and even better sees nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall? Walnuts!
I'll see myself out - A guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap... Doctor: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
- What is the most allergic nut? The Ca.........shew!!!!!
I'll see myself out. - A man visits his psychiatrist wearing only cellophane wrapped around his body The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
- A man walks into a psychiatrists with a pair of clingfilm underwear. Psychiatrist: I can clearly see you're nuts.
- A man walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The doctor says; "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."
- Everyone I see looks like an almond! Most people think I'm crazy...
But I think they're nuts! - A guy goes to his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but pants made out of Saran wrap. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
- A man goes to see a psychiatrist wearing nothing but plastic shrink wrap for clothes. The doctor looks at him and says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts!
- A man walks in to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but a pair of string y fronts. The psychiatrists looks the man up and down and says "Well i can clearly see your nuts"
See These Nuts Jokes
Here is a list of funny see these nuts jokes and even better see these nuts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't care for much Chinese food, but when I see a big plate of egg noodles I go nuts I'm kind of a Lo meiniac
- A man walks into a psychologist's office... And he was wearing absolutely nothing but a piece of Saran wrap around his waist. The shrink looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
- Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan? It was nuts.
- Doctor says I need to see a chiropractor for my back pain... I said "Are you nuts? I don't have time to go to Egypt!"
- A guy goes to a shrink, takes off all his clothes, and wraps himself head to toe in plastic wrap. The doctor took one look at him and said "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
- Man walks into a psychiatrist office with.... ..Absolutely nothing but seran wrap on on.
The psychiatist takes one look at him and says.
"I can clearly see you're nuts!" - A man with Transparent underwear... So a guy wearing nothing but transparent underwear walks into a psychiatrists office, and the psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts".
- What's something you should never say to a feminist with allergies? "Wanna see my nuts?"
- I said to my wife, "hunny, you're like a wrench... She said, why?" I said, "because every time I see you my nuts get tight."
- A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
Nuts And Bolts Jokes
Here is a list of funny nuts and bolts jokes and even better nuts and bolts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt
- I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!
- What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand? He screws, nuts, and bolts
- Thought of a great slogan for a construction company.. We screw, we nut, we bolt.
- What does a robot do with his first girlfriend? He nuts and bolts
- Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes? He screws, nuts and bolts.
- Piece of Dating Advice Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.
- I told her I'm a mechanical engineer I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.
- What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor's wife? Nut and Bolt
Share Hilarious Nuts Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about nuts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rats jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nuts pranks.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
I've got a steering wheel in my pants..
and it's driving me nuts.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Health Class
Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"
A teacher I had in high school told me this one. It may better when told out loud rather than read, but it's still funny.
A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office.
The psychiatrist looks at the man and says,
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guys: never wear a Saran Wrap skirt to a job interview...
They will clearly see your nuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the 7' NBA star who married a blonde midget?
He was nuts over her.
What's better than being up to your knees in beer?
Being up to your nuts in cider.
So a pirate walks into a bar…
A pirate walks into a bar, and he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender sees him and asks, "Hey, what's that steering wheel doing there?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrr, I don't know, it's driving me nuts."
Guy walks into a bar...
and sees a pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Intrigued, the man approaches and inquires "whats with the steering wheel?" to which the pirate responds, "Arrr, its drivin' me nuts!"
Four engineers in a car...
Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
An anatomical original
Thought you'd like a pun.
What sound does a pigeon make
when kicked in the nuts?
[A high coo](/spoiler)
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...
On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pirate jokes I've heard throughout my life
What did the pirate say when the steering wheel was shoved down his pants?
ARGHHHHH your driven me nuts!
Why was the pirate dissatisfied with his blind date?
She had a sunken chest and no b**....
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
They can spend years stuck at sea!
And of course: Why couldn't the teenagers watch the pirate movie?
BECAUSE IT WAS RATED ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office.
Guy walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a pair of see through cellophane underwear.
Doc takes one look at the guy and exclaims. "well I can clearly see your nuts!"
Leprechauns
Why are leprechauns always laughing when they're running?
Because the grass is tickling their nuts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?
He's still nuts over her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst thing about a woman's p**...?
Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
What are the cheapest kind of nuts?
Deer nuts, they're under a buck.
A pirate goes to the doctor
A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."
The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a piece of shrink wrap...
The doctor looks up and says;
"I can clearly see your nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Education
Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their s**... education teacher.
"I can't believe we failed s**... ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."
"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An identity thief and a r**... get convicted in a poor town...
The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the r**... in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Go ahead I'll let you Osaka. "Let me Osaka what?"...
DEEZ NUTS!
I agree
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
At the Last Supper...
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
"This is my body!"
*Jesus raises wine*
"And this is my blood!"
*Pulls out 9 of Clubs*
"And this is your card"
*Apostles go nuts*
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What are some really s**... jokes?
One I know is this:
Spanish teacher: Kids, what is the ellos/ellas form of the verb sacar?
Students: Sacan?
Spanish teacher: SACAN DEEZ NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I tell you I'm dating a midget?
I'm nuts over her.
My girlfriend is a midget and I'm nuts over her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is it called when a spanish man has 10 t**...?
Diez nuts!
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
Where does almond and cashew milk come from?
Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
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Why is C afraid of D?
Because DEEZ NUTS!
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the psychiatrist wearing only cling film.
He said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...
This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public m**...?
He nuts and bolts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does an oak tree have s**...?
Nuts and leaves
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked into my psychiatrist's office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear…
The doctor took one look at me and said, Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?
Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.
as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask
"Are these from your seat ? "
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
I was considering going on an all almond diet.
But that's just nuts.
Why isn't Bruno Mars named Bruno Snickers?
Because he doesn't have the nuts.
I know a botanist who does research on nuts.
He works in macademia.
Two Squirrels GO Camping
They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,
"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac?
One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts..
One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"
A old man walks into a McDonalds
He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.
The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"
The old man replies, "No arthritis."
Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?
He is an expert at hiding nuts.
