Nut Jokes

Looking for some funny nut jokes? Then you've come to the right place! Check out our collection of hilarious nut jokes that will have you cracking up in no time.

Cheerful Fun Nut Jokes for Lovely Laughter

No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

jokes about nut

Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew

What's the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

What's worse than no nut November?

No net December.
Defend net neutrality.

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

You can explore nut hazelnut reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean nut brazil nut dad jokes. There are also nut puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Male bees die after mating.

-And that's why they call it a honey nut cheerio

Eating popcorn is hella gay....'re just swallowing a busted nut.

Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....






I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"

Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…

An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?

I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?

She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.

What did a nut say to the nut it was chasing?

I'm a cashew!

Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away?

"Nut screws and bolts".

A male bee dies after sex

I guess you could call that a honey nut cheerio

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people.

The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

How does a nut sneeze?


A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .

What did the nut say while chasing the other nut?

Ima cashew

What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

Why is it called Almond Milk?

Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.

First we had No Nut November....

Now we have No Net December.

What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away?


What is Captain Kirk's least favorite type of nut?


What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?


Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:


Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

What does a sneezing nut sound like?


Let's hear best "Confucius Say" jokes you got

My first Confucius Say joke was this:

>Confucius Says...Crowded Elevator Smell Different to Midget

Today while shaving in the shower I came up with this one

>Confucius Says...Man who shave nut sack with straight razor will not have a ball

I have new strategy for getting my wife to have sex with me...

When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has sex with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

I know why they call it Almond Milk

Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

How does a nut say good bye to another nut?

I'll Cashew later bro.

Why do they call it almond milk?

Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....

Why do machinists leave so quickly after sex?

They just screw, nut, and bolt

A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat".

Don't believe him, he was a nut.

Mr. Peanut was arrested for drunk and disorderly at a local Strip Club

The arresting officer said it wasn't the first time he'd busted a nut in front of a stripper and it wouldn't be the last.

What does a nut with the flu sound like?


A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

What's the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?

I wouldn't let a chickpea in my mouth.

I am a fried nut

A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied up and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute"

but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?

What do you call a nut that's really annoyed?

A pissed-achio.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!


What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made?

A nut for a jar of tuna.

Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November

You just can't let anyone cashew

I told her I'm a mechanical engineer

I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.

I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.

Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"

The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."

Women hate mechanics.

All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.

What does a nut say when he sneezes?


Male bees die after mating…

So basically their life is:

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

Why do robots make bad boyfriends?

They just screw, nut, then bolt.

If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet

Just have one nut

What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker?

Nut and bolt.

On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield.

It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

Why are robots bad in bed?

They just screw, nut and bolt.

What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor's wife?

Nut and Bolt

Did you hear about the woman who died after giving a blow job?

Apparently she had a nut allergy

What's the smartest cookie?

Academia nut

America is kind of like testicles

If the right nut can't agree with the left nut. We can't produce.

Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....


I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

Why is it called almond milk?

"Nut juice" wasnt very popular.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the nut almond puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working nut walnut piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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