Nut Jokes
167 nut jokes and hilarious nut puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny nut jokes? Then you've come to the right place! Check out our collection of hilarious nut jokes that will have you cracking up in no time.
Quick Jump To
- Short Nut Jokes
- Nut One Liners
- Squirrel Nut Jokes
- Nut And Bolt Jokes
- Cashew Nut Jokes
- Nut And Leave Jokes
- More Nut Jokes
Funniest Nut Short Jokes
Short nut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nut humour may include short peanut jokes also.
- How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts? Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights
- My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats "That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
- I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25 Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
- What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now. - Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.
- Archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil. They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
- "No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short." "Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing." - Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- My boyfriend is the best cook With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
- They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher
Share These Nut Jokes With Friends
Nut One Liners
Which nut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nut? I can suggest the ones about cashew and walnut.
- When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?
- What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out. - What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
- Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad... Wait until No Net December.
- Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
- Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
- What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut? I'm a cashew
- What's the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.
- From my 6 yo. What do you call a squirrel that doesn't eat nuts? Hungry
- What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him? Imma cashew
- What's worse than no nut November? No net December.
Defend net neutrality. - ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
- Do you know what a robot does on one night stand? Nuts and bolts.
- Male bees die after mating. -And that's why they call it a honey nut cheerio
- Eating popcorn is hella gay.... .....you're just swallowing a busted nut.
Squirrel Nut Jokes
Here is a list of funny squirrel nut jokes and even better squirrel nut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the squirrel join a gym on the spring equinox? It wanted to get a headstart on gathering nuts!
- Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back? Too keep his nuts dry.
- A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat". Don't believe him, he was a nut.
- Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.
- How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?
- What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac? One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.
- Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry
- How do you catch squirrels? Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.
- What's a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!
A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good! - Why did the squirrel swim on its back? so it wont get its nuts wet
Nut And Bolt Jokes
Here is a list of funny nut and bolt jokes and even better nut and bolt puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - What do you call a robots one night stand? A nut and bolt
- Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt
- I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!
- What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? – He nuts and bolts.
- What do mechanics call one night stands? Nuts & bolts
- What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand? He screws, nuts, and bolts
- Thought of a great slogan for a construction company.. We screw, we nut, we bolt.
- What does a robot do with his first girlfriend? He nuts and bolts
- Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes? He screws, nuts and bolts.
Cashew Nut Jokes
Here is a list of funny cashew nut jokes and even better cashew nut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am really glad that No Nut November is over. A whole month without cashews was rough.
- Two nuts were hanging out in a tree. One slipped and started to fall. The other one said Don't worry man, I'm a cashew
- What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze? Cashew
- What did a nut say to the nut it was chasing? I'm a cashew!
- How does a nut sneeze? Cashew!
- What did the nut say while chasing the other nut? Ima cashew
- What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.*
- What is the most allergic nut? The Ca.........shew!!!!!
I'll see myself out. - How does a nut say good bye to another nut? I'll Cashew later bro.
- Where does almond and cashew milk come from? Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.
Nut And Leave Jokes
Here is a list of funny nut and leave jokes and even better nut and leave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My boyfriend is like the forest floor Nuts and leaves
- An oak tree walks into a bar. Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.
- Why were a group of successful chess players asked to leave the hotel lobby? Because no one likes chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
- A guy walks into a bar wearing plastic wrap pants... The bartender says "Whoa there buddy, just turn around and leave - I can clearly see you're nuts!"
- My girl was eating my nuts I told her "leave some for the squirrels."
- Why did the broken Nutcracker's wife leave him? He couldn't bust a nut.
- Why do machinists leave so quickly after s**...? They just screw, nut, and bolt
- How does an oak tree have s**...? Nuts and leaves
Cheerful Fun Nut Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about nut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean almond jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nut pranks.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his n**... with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the b**... to try it again.
I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November
It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly m**... all day.
Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?
Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.
Crazy man has s**... with machine at laundromat and evades police
Nut screws washer and bolts
What do you call it when a mechanic has s**... with a girl and never sees her again?
Nut and bolt
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
...when he found out, the guy went nut.
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having s**... with a laundry machine.
Nut screws washer and bolts.
Why is almond milk called almond milk?
Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
Man escapes from insane asylum, and has s**... with a girl in a laundry mat.
The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts."
Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"
Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who r**... a woman and ran away?
"Nut screws and bolts".
A male bee dies after s**...
I guess you could call that a honey nut cheerio
An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started r**... people.
The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
First we had No Nut November....
Now we have No Net December.
What was the news headline when a crazy man s**... assaulted two laundry women and ran away?
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!
What is Captain Kirk's least favorite type of nut?
Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!
What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut?
Pe-Kahn!!!!!!
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, r**... a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
Why is No Nut November so g**... boring?
It is probably the most anticlimactic month
Let's hear best "Confucius Say" jokes you got
My first Confucius Say joke was this:
>Confucius Says...Crowded Elevator Smell Different to Midget
Today while shaving in the shower I came up with this one
>Confucius Says...Man who shave n**... with straight razor will not have a ball
I have new strategy for getting my wife to have s**... with me...
When we are in bed I just talk and talk until she has s**... with me just to shut me up. I call it filibusting a nut.
I know why they call it Almond Milk
Cause you can't say Nut Juice with a straight face.
I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.
I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.
Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?
The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"
Why do they call it almond milk?
Cuz no one can say nut juice with a straight face....
Mr. Peanut was arrested for drunk and disorderly at a local s**... Club
The arresting officer said it wasn't the first time he'd busted a nut in front of a stripper and it wouldn't be the last.
What does a nut with the flu sound like?
*CAAAASHEW!*
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.
Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*
What's the difference between a chickpea and a Brazilian nut?
I wouldn't let a chickpea in my mouth.
I am a fried nut
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
What do you call a nut that's really annoyed?
A p**...-achio.
"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!
Eh?"
What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made?
A nut for a jar of tuna.
Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November
You just can't let anyone cashew
I told her I'm a mechanical engineer
I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.
As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.
I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.
Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"
The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."
Women hate mechanics.
All they do is screw, nut, and bolt.
What does a nut say when he sneezes?
Ca-shew!
Male bees die after mating…
So basically their life is:
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
Who will survive no nut november the longest?
The people with a severe nut allergy
Why do robots make bad boyfriends?
They just screw, nut, then bolt.
If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet
Just have one nut
What do you call a one night stand with a construction worker?
Nut and bolt.
On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield.
It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.
Why are robots bad in bed?
They just screw, nut and bolt.
What did the robot do after being caught sleeping with the neighbor's wife?
Nut and Bolt
Did you hear about the woman who died after giving a b**...?
Apparently she had a nut allergy
What's the smartest cookie?
Academia nut
America is kind of like t**...
If the right nut can't agree with the left nut. We can't produce.
Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....
# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**
I've already failed No Nut November
I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.
Why is almond milk called almond milk?
Because nobody would drink it if it was called nut juice.
"9-1-1, What is your emergency?"
"Yeah, there's a guy dressed up as a peanut in the parking lot, he's on the ground and yellin' that he's assaulted. ... I'm at the Shell station on Brittle St. ... Naw, I can't tell from here if he's just plain' or not. This guy's a fuckin' ***nut***."
Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?
Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.
