Nursing Home Jokes
113 nursing home jokes and hilarious nursing home puns to laugh out loud. Read places jokes about nursing home that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Hello, fantastic young readers! Have you ever heard of Nursing Home Jokes? They are whimsical little gems of humor that sprinkle joy in everyday life. As we go about this topic, remember we can find fun all around us, but it's essential to be kind and respectful while sharing humor.
What are Nursing Home Jokes?
What are Nursing Home Jokes?Nursing Home Jokes are funny, playful jokes about life in a place called a nursing home. Imagine a place where older individuals live and receive medical care. The humdrum of everyday life in such a place can brew interesting anecdotes and comical situations. Nursing Home Jokes take life's subtle funnies from such scenarios and wrap them into chucklesome tales of humor. But always remember, while humor is wonderful, it's also important not to mock or disrespect others.What do You say to Someone in a Nursing Home?
What do You say to Someone in a Nursing Home?When we talk to someone living in a nursing home, the most important thing is to be kind and understanding. You could ask, "How is your day going?" or "What are some fun activities you did today?". A little interest and respect can make their day brighter.How do You Encourage Someone in a Nursing Home?
How do You Encourage Someone in a Nursing Home?Encouraging someone in a nursing home needs sincerity and positivity. Use words that help them feel optimistic about their day, for example, "You seem to be in great spirits today!" or "Your smile is as bright as the sun outside!". It's also great to share funny, light-hearted jokes or stories to lift their spirits.How can I be Happy in a Nursing Home?
How can I be Happy in a Nursing Home?Staying happy in a nursing home is easier when you focus on good things around you. Engaging in activities, making friends with other residents and staff, regularly communicating with your loved ones, and sharing a laugh or two can make you feel happy and connected. Remember, happiness often resides in the little moments we share with others.What do You say to Someone Moving into Assisted Living?
What do You say to Someone Moving into Assisted Living?When someone is shifting to an assisted living home, it's a big change for them. Offer them positivity and support. A heartfelt message like, "I know moving can be tough, but you're incredibly strong! I'm sure you'll fill your new home with laughter and joy," can make them feel better.The Lighthearted Laughs of Nursing Home Jokes
The beauty of humor, especially in the form of Nursing Home Jokes, is its unique capacity to lighten up the atmosphere, bring a cheerful smile, and make life's daily grind entertaining. But, while spreading laughter, it's crucial to remember to always respect each other’s feelings and experiences. Just like nursing homes, every place has its own unique stories and charms. No matter how grey or serious life may seem, there are always corners of lightness and fun if we look deep enough. Let's take this lesson from our fun exploration of Nursing Home Jokes and pledge to always carry humor and kindness in our hearts! Remember, a good laugh is a language everyone understands!Funniest Nursing Home Short Jokes
Short nursing home jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nursing home humour may include short retirement home jokes also.
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
(This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home) - A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
-Mike Close- - My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.
- My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen. We call it LAARPing.
- Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located? Washington D.C.
- What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? "Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"
- What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home? Thanks for raisin us
- Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.
- Exercise can add years to your life. This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.
Share These Nursing Home Jokes With Friends
Nursing Home One Liners
Which nursing home one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nursing home? I can suggest the ones about elderly home and nursing school.
- What do nurses watch at the old folks home? The grammies!
- Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.
- My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!
- What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.
- I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day There wasn't a dry seat in the house.
- What's the most popular game at a nursing home? Guess who
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- A virus in a nursing home is like a dad joke. Everyone gets it.
- What does trail mix have in common with a nursing home? They're both filled with nuts
- One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
- What do you call it when a nursing home gets infected with Corona? Spring cleaning.
- I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
- I always win at jenga. Though I only play at the Parkinson nursing home.
- What's forty feet long and smells like u**...? A conga line at a nursing home
- How can you tell it's a Millennial nursing home? All the residents have atrophy.
Fun-Filled Nursing Home Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about nursing home you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hospice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nursing home pranks.
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
Again, she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back to put her upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you f**...."
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve s**... the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...
old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'
she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'
he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'
she says, 'you told me yesterday.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bowl of peanuts
A boy went to visit his grandmother in the nursing home. She had a bowl of peanuts next to her night stand. As he sat down he grabbed a handful and began eating them. She began telling him about "how life was before the internets". The boy nodded and grabbed a handful of peanuts emptying the bowl. She continued about how he never comes to see him. The young man turns to his grandmother as says politely "It was nice to visit but I've got to go and thanks for the peanuts." She turns to him and says "No problem, since I lost my teeth I just s**... of the chocolate."
A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital...
A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital so the wife can give birth. After the nurses get her settled in, the doctor approaches the man and says, "We just got this new machine in that will transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father. Would you like to try it out?"
The man says, "Well of course. Anything for my wife. Fire it up, doc!"
As the wife begins to have the baby, the doctor cranks up the dial on the machine to 25 percent. The wife screams in pain, but the man says, "I don't feel anything at all."
"That's odd," says the doctor. He adjusts the dial to 50 percent. The wife's screams grow quieter, but the husband still doesn't feel a thing.
"That's uncanny," says the doctor as he turns the dial all the way up to 100 percent. Neither the husband nor his wife feel any pain at all, the baby is delivered healthy, they're discharged from the hospital, they go home, and the mailman is dead on the porch.
Possibly the same nursing home.
An old man and woman become very close at a nursing home. He wants to take their friendship to the next level, but the old woman doesn't want to. He convinces her one day to "just hold it". She does this end enjoys being intimate with a man again. They continue this every day at the same time, in the same room, just her holding the old man's business.
One day she walks into the room at the usual time, but the old man is already in there with another woman.
Absolutely heartbroken, she cries out, "What does she have that I don't!"
The old man replies, "Parkinson's!"
:/
Nursing home
Arthur is in a nursing home after the death of his wife and he feels depressed.
Betty notices this and asks if there is anything she can do. He says 'well my wife used to sit with me in the evenings and just hold it for me. I miss that touch.'
Betty is a game and a kind woman so she takes to doing this for him. Every night they sit in the garden watching the sunset with her just holding his manhood.
Then one day she goes to meet him in the garden but finds Gloria, a new resident, in her place. Arthur seems happy so she backs away but feels very sad. And so it continues for the next week. Every night Gloria is in her place.
The next day she takes Arthur to one side at breakfast and confronts him, 'how could you cast me aside so callously Arthur ? What has Gloria got that I haven't ?'
Arthur replies 'Parkinsons'
A couple at the nursing home
So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old Lady in a nursing home...
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark n**... and has an e**....
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again!
Pete and Jenny were long time patients at the mental institution...
...and they had formed a relationship.
They were walking past the pond, Pete fell in and sank, Jenny, with no thought for her own safety, dived to the bottom of the pool and rescued him, she also gave him the kiss of life.
A few days later Jenny was summomed before the board of the hospital and was told that seeing how she had the sense to dive in to rescue Pete she could not be classed as insane, she was going home the day after.
When the nurse was helping her pack, she gave Jenny the bad news..........After you had rescued Pete, he was foubd in the hospital ward, dead, hanging from a beam !
Jenny replied, "yes, I hung him up to dry,can I go home now ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...
Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes."
While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to s**... or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth.
Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Twin Sisters
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!"
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US???"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nursing Home troubles.
An old man is living alone, but his son checks him into a home so he can be taken care of. So the old man is sitting in the common area, when he starts tilting to his left. A nurse comes over and straightens him out. He continues to sit, when he starts tilting to his left. The nurse comes over and straightens him out. A few minutes later, he tilts to his left *again,* and the nurse comes and straightens him out. Later that day the man's son comes to visit. "Hey Dad! How's this new home treating you?" The old man says: "It's good, but the problem is they won't let you f**...!"
My Private Part Died
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Surgery
After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a n**... here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confusion at the hospital
Mrs. Smith had just gotten home from visiting her husband in the hospital. He had fallen ill and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong with him so they wanted to keep him at the hospital for observation. Mrs. Smith had just walked in the front door and was setting her purse down when the phone rang.
"Hello?" said Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith, this is Mary calling from the hospital. I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some worse news about your husband."
"Oh dear," said Mrs. Smith, "I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Well," said the nurse, "The bad news is that we got the test results back for your husband but there's been a bit of a mix-up. It seems that there's another patient at the hospital with the same name as your husband, Bob, and we're not sure which test result belong to which patient. One of the tests came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other test came back positive for AIDS."
"Oh my goodness," said Mrs. Smith, "Well that's horrible. What news could be worse than that?"
"The worse news is that we can't find your husband. He left his room and we're not sure where he went," said the nurse.
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What do you suggest we do?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "if your husband finds his way home, don't have s**... with him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes
Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
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The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally n**... old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them
o**... says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."
A group of senior citizens were talking...
...at the breakfast table in a Palm Springs nursing home.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills makes me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man has to put his father in a nursing home...
And so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.
The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.
As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.
The man continues walking, and sees his father tip over to the right side, and the orderly on that side props him back upright.
As he is a few steps away, he sees his father start leaning forward, and both orderlies lock arms with his father, and pull him back upright into a sitting position.
The man arrives at his father, and says "Wow, Dad, it looks like they are taking very good care of you." and his father replies "Sure they are, but they won't let me f**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older couple goes to the doctor
and asks the doctor if he can watch them have s**.... The doctor, confused a bit, agrees and the couple goes at it.
When they're done the doc says, "I can't see anything wrong. You both seemed to be enjoying yourselves and it doesn't look like either of you was in distress." The couple thanks him and leaves.
This continues every week for a few weeks and finally the doctor just has to ask why they're coming to his office to have him watch them have s**....
"Well, doc," the man says, "she lives with her daughter who is a stay-at-home mom with a young child, so there's no privacy. I live in a nursing home but just got a roommate, so there's no privacy. A hotel is too expensive, but Medicare takes care of your bill."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The old lady who can guess your age
An elderly woman who lives in a nursing home approaches an elderly man and tells him, "I bet I can guess your age." He tells her to go for it.
She says, "okay, but I need to stick my hand down your pants and feel it." Unsure about her method, he's intrigued and allows her to do so.
She reaches into his pants and fondles him for a few moments. She then tells him, "you're 87!"
Amazed, he says, "That's incredible! How did you do know?"
She replies, "you told me yesterday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alzheimers..
This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".
Best response by a nursing home patient ever.
I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"?
He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home.
A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home. He tells the first joke and is met with roaring laughter. He thinks to himself "I wonder if I can get away with telling the same joke again." He tells the joke a second time and is again met with lots of laughs. He repeats this joke for the entirety of his 45 minute set. During his performance, he notices a gentleman in the back just nodding and smirking. After the comedian leaves the stage, the man approaches him and says "That was quite the show." The comedian replies "Thanks. I'm glad you liked it." The man then says "I have one question for you: how do you remember all that?"
Frontotemporal dementia is no hindrance
My grandma lives in a nursing home cuz she got several kinds of dementia, 99% of the time she stares at something distant and quietly repeats what we've just said to her.
Last time we visited her my mother asked what they had eaten yesterday, when my grandma remembered correctly my mother said "It's great you remember! I can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday."
Without missing a beat my gandma looks my mom straight in the eyes and says "That's how it starts!"
It's the little things that count.
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
My Mommy, the Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."
So my parents are getting older and sicker
I think it's time I move them into a nursing home. I feel really bad though, because I live with my parents and I don't want to live in a nursing home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,
were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A c**...."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
A woman gets home from the hospital.
She is walking slowly into the house so her husband asks if she is okay. " NO! my knees hurt and my jaw is sore." Her husband looks at her and says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you not to take the job as Head nurse."
A doctor is looking for the next patient
Doctor: Where is the next patient?
Blonde Nurse: I told him to go home.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Blonde Nurse: He told me he is not feeling well.
I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...
....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.
Ninety
There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
There are two old men at a nursing home
One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
The other man responds "Depends"
So my family and I go past a nursing home...
There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"
Hospital and Cop
*In class*
Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"
Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."
Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"
Jay: "Yes, please."
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and his mother at the hospital?"
Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
she wants a box of condoms
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a c**..., cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A c**.... This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
Do you ever go to wipe and your fingers rip through the toilet paper?
Sometimes I hate my job in the nursing home.
There was a Woman with 100 children...
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
My Grandpa died doing what he loved.
Driving his big rig, that nursing home didn't know what hit them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At The Old Peoples Home
An frail old man is put in to a care home by his family. They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left. A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight. A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again. The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies, "It's quite nice but the only thing I don't like is that they don't let you f**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An active and successful widowed man finds himself at the end of his days in an upscale assisted living home.
His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a h**... for a final hurrah.
They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man Your friends sent me here to give you some super s**...!
The man contemplated a bit and carefully replies to the woman I think I'll have the soup.
My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment
I agreed and put her in a nursing home
Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?
The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.
"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."
".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when j**... sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?
A j**... hat trick.
in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.
it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.
What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home?
"It won't be for long."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Retirement Home
An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except o**.... The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"
My dad used to always say that there was a lot of AIDS in the nursing home he worked in
Hearing aids, walking aids....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
