Nursing Home Jokes

113 nursing home jokes and hilarious nursing home puns to laugh out loud. Read places jokes about nursing home that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Hello, fantastic young readers! Have you ever heard of Nursing Home Jokes? They are whimsical little gems of humor that sprinkle joy in everyday life. As we go about this topic, remember we can find fun all around us, but it's essential to be kind and respectful while sharing humor.

What are Nursing Home Jokes?

What are Nursing Home Jokes?Nursing Home Jokes are funny, playful jokes about life in a place called a nursing home. Imagine a place where older individuals live and receive medical care. The humdrum of everyday life in such a place can brew interesting anecdotes and comical situations. Nursing Home Jokes take life's subtle funnies from such scenarios and wrap them into chucklesome tales of humor. But always remember, while humor is wonderful, it's also important not to mock or disrespect others.

What do You say to Someone in a Nursing Home?

What do You say to Someone in a Nursing Home?When we talk to someone living in a nursing home, the most important thing is to be kind and understanding. You could ask, "How is your day going?" or "What are some fun activities you did today?". A little interest and respect can make their day brighter.

How do You Encourage Someone in a Nursing Home?

How do You Encourage Someone in a Nursing Home?Encouraging someone in a nursing home needs sincerity and positivity. Use words that help them feel optimistic about their day, for example, "You seem to be in great spirits today!" or "Your smile is as bright as the sun outside!". It's also great to share funny, light-hearted jokes or stories to lift their spirits.

How can I be Happy in a Nursing Home?

How can I be Happy in a Nursing Home?Staying happy in a nursing home is easier when you focus on good things around you. Engaging in activities, making friends with other residents and staff, regularly communicating with your loved ones, and sharing a laugh or two can make you feel happy and connected. Remember, happiness often resides in the little moments we share with others.

What do You say to Someone Moving into Assisted Living?

What do You say to Someone Moving into Assisted Living?When someone is shifting to an assisted living home, it's a big change for them. Offer them positivity and support. A heartfelt message like, "I know moving can be tough, but you're incredibly strong! I'm sure you'll fill your new home with laughter and joy," can make them feel better.

The Lighthearted Laughs of Nursing Home Jokes

The beauty of humor, especially in the form of Nursing Home Jokes, is its unique capacity to lighten up the atmosphere, bring a cheerful smile, and make life's daily grind entertaining. But, while spreading laughter, it's crucial to remember to always respect each other’s feelings and experiences. Just like nursing homes, every place has its own unique stories and charms. No matter how grey or serious life may seem, there are always corners of lightness and fun if we look deep enough. Let's take this lesson from our fun exploration of Nursing Home Jokes and pledge to always carry humor and kindness in our hearts! Remember, a good laugh is a language everyone understands!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Nursing Home Short Jokes

Short nursing home jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nursing home humour may include short retirement home jokes also.

  1. A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
  2. Why do all polish names end in ski? Because they can't spell toboggan
    (This joke brought to you by a 90 yr old polish man I take care of at a nursing home)
  3. A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
    'He's like a fish out of water.'
    'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
    'No, I mean he's dead.'
    -Mike Close-
  4. My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.
  5. My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen. We call it LAARPing.
  6. Biden visits a nursing home. He goes over to an elderly woman and asks, Do you know who I am? She replies, No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you.
  7. Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
  8. Where is the largest nursing home in the whole United States of America located? Washington D.C.
  9. What did the old man say to the prettiest nurse at the nursing home? "Help! I've fallen for you and I can't get it up!"
  10. What did the grapes say to their parents after they put them into a nursing home? Thanks for raisin us

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Nursing Home One Liners

Which nursing home one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nursing home? I can suggest the ones about elderly home and nursery.

  1. What do nurses watch at the old folks home? The grammies!
  2. Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.
  3. How can you tell it's a Millennial nursing home? All the residents have atrophy.
  4. My nursing home golf team won again... We had the least amount of strokes!
  5. What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.
  6. I sang Danny Boy at the nursing home the other day There wasn't a dry seat in the house.
  7. What's the most popular game at a nursing home? Guess who
  8. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  9. A virus in a nursing home is like a dad joke. Everyone gets it.
  10. What does trail mix have in common with a nursing home? They're both filled with nuts
  11. One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
  12. What do you call it when a nursing home gets infected with Corona? Spring cleaning.
  13. I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.
  14. What do nursing homes smell like? Depends...
  15. I always win at jenga. Though I only play at the Parkinson nursing home.

Nursing Home joke, I always win at jenga.

Fun-Filled Nursing Home Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about nursing home you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nursing school jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nursing home pranks.

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like u**...?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.

It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve s**... the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.

In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...

old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'
she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'
he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'
she says, 'you told me yesterday.'

Two with sausage and meatballs, two without

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday

I called Grandma to see how he was doing.

"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.

"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.

"No, he's dead."

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."

There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes."
While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to s**... or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth.
Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."

Fish out of water.

I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."

I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Nursing Home troubles.

An old man is living alone, but his son checks him into a home so he can be taken care of. So the old man is sitting in the common area, when he starts tilting to his left. A nurse comes over and straightens him out. He continues to sit, when he starts tilting to his left. The nurse comes over and straightens him out. A few minutes later, he tilts to his left *again,* and the nurse comes and straightens him out. Later that day the man's son comes to visit. "Hey Dad! How's this new home treating you?" The old man says: "It's good, but the problem is they won't let you f**...!"

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a
little crazy, she replied,

'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a n**... here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Confusion at the hospital

Mrs. Smith had just gotten home from visiting her husband in the hospital. He had fallen ill and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong with him so they wanted to keep him at the hospital for observation. Mrs. Smith had just walked in the front door and was setting her purse down when the phone rang.

"Hello?" said Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, Mrs. Smith, this is Mary calling from the hospital. I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some worse news about your husband."

"Oh dear," said Mrs. Smith, "I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Well," said the nurse, "The bad news is that we got the test results back for your husband but there's been a bit of a mix-up. It seems that there's another patient at the hospital with the same name as your husband, Bob, and we're not sure which test result belong to which patient. One of the tests came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other test came back positive for AIDS."

"Oh my goodness," said Mrs. Smith, "Well that's horrible. What news could be worse than that?"

"The worse news is that we can't find your husband. He left his room and we're not sure where he went," said the nurse.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What do you suggest we do?"

"Well," replied the nurse, "if your husband finds his way home, don't have s**... with him."

Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally n**... old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them

o**... says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."

Man has to put his father in a nursing home...

And so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.
The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.
As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.
The man continues walking, and sees his father tip over to the right side, and the orderly on that side props him back upright.
As he is a few steps away, he sees his father start leaning forward, and both orderlies lock arms with his father, and pull him back upright into a sitting position.
The man arrives at his father, and says "Wow, Dad, it looks like they are taking very good care of you." and his father replies "Sure they are, but they won't let me f**...!"
credit to Seamus Kennedy

An older couple goes to the doctor

and asks the doctor if he can watch them have s**.... The doctor, confused a bit, agrees and the couple goes at it.
When they're done the doc says, "I can't see anything wrong. You both seemed to be enjoying yourselves and it doesn't look like either of you was in distress." The couple thanks him and leaves.
This continues every week for a few weeks and finally the doctor just has to ask why they're coming to his office to have him watch them have s**....
"Well, doc," the man says, "she lives with her daughter who is a stay-at-home mom with a young child, so there's no privacy. I live in a nursing home but just got a roommate, so there's no privacy. A hotel is too expensive, but Medicare takes care of your bill."

I burned both of my ears!

Came off the ambulance, straight to the ER. Both his ears have melted, and he can barely hear as air can't pass by properly. Nurse checks his ear, and is confused. The rest of his face is perfectly fine. She asks him "how did you burn that ear?" "What?!" replies the man in pain. "I said HOW DID YOU BURN THAT EAR". He musters his strength and says "I was ironing my shirt, I was really late to a meeting, then suddenly my house phone rang, in a moment of stupidity i picked up the iron and put it on my ear." Trying to hold back her laughter, she exclaimed "but how did you burn the other ear?" "What?" "HOW DID YOU BURN THE OTHER EAR?!" "Well, that idiot called me again!".
(I first heard this one in the early 90s, back when home phones were pretty common, well more common than now).

The old lady who can guess your age

An elderly woman who lives in a nursing home approaches an elderly man and tells him, "I bet I can guess your age." He tells her to go for it.
She says, "okay, but I need to stick my hand down your pants and feel it." Unsure about her method, he's intrigued and allows her to do so.
She reaches into his pants and fondles him for a few moments. She then tells him, "you're 87!"
Amazed, he says, "That's incredible! How did you do know?"
She replies, "you told me yesterday."


This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".

Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League

Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.

Best response by a nursing home patient ever.

I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"?
He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home.

A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home. He tells the first joke and is met with roaring laughter. He thinks to himself "I wonder if I can get away with telling the same joke again." He tells the joke a second time and is again met with lots of laughs. He repeats this joke for the entirety of his 45 minute set. During his performance, he notices a gentleman in the back just nodding and smirking. After the comedian leaves the stage, the man approaches him and says "That was quite the show." The comedian replies "Thanks. I'm glad you liked it." The man then says "I have one question for you: how do you remember all that?"

An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married...

The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancee has acute angina."
"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already. That's why I'm marrying her!"

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Exercise can add years to your life.

This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

So my parents are getting older and sicker

I think it's time I move them into a nursing home. I feel really bad though, because I live with my parents and I don't want to live in a nursing home.

A woman gets home from the hospital.

She is walking slowly into the house so her husband asks if she is okay. " NO! my knees hurt and my jaw is sore." Her husband looks at her and says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you not to take the job as Head nurse."

A doctor is looking for the next patient

Doctor: Where is the next patient?
Blonde Nurse: I told him to go home.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Blonde Nurse: He told me he is not feeling well.

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.


There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

There are two old men at a nursing home

One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
The other man responds "Depends"

AN OLD f**...

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you f**...."

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

An old man faintly hears "super s**..." one evening in his nursing home room.

There was an old man in his nursing home room playing checkers with his roommate. In the distance he hears one of the old lady residents yell.
"super s**...!"
His eye brows raise a bit and he looks at his roomie confused. He hears it again, but it is louder this time.
"super s**...!"
He then realizes that his roommates hearing aids are turned down. He says,
"George, turn up your hearing aids!"
At this George turns up his hearing aids. Just then the old woman jumps in the door way, lifts up her night gown exposing herself, and yells.
"super s**...!"
George looks at his roommate and says,
"I reckon I'll have the soup."

What's forty feet long and smells like u**...?

A conga line at a nursing home

So my family and I go past a nursing home...

There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

Hospital and Cop

*In class*
Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"
Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."
Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"
Jay: "Yes, please."
After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher asks the other classmates, "Why is Jay's father at the police station and his mother at the hospital?"
Classmate: "Because his father is a policeman and his mom's a nurse."

Do you ever go to wipe and your fingers rip through the toilet paper?

Sometimes I hate my job in the nursing home.

What's the difference between The White House and a nursing home for the senile?

The White House smells worse.

There was a Woman with 100 children...

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

My Grandpa died doing what he loved.

Driving his big rig, that nursing home didn't know what hit them.

Why do hospitals and nursing home have air conditioning?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."

".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."

The 90th birthday

An elderly man is celebrating his 90th birthday down at the nursing home and all his friends decide to surprise him by getting him a present. So they wheel in this massive cake and out pops a beautiful young women who looks at the old man and says:
"Hi, I can give you some super s**...!"
So the old man says "Well uuuh... I guess I'll take the soup"

What do you call it when j**... sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A j**... hat trick.

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

Grandad went into a nursing home,

so I rang them to see how he was.
Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."
I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"
She said, "No, he's dead!"

What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home?

"It won't be for long."

Retirement Home

An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except o**.... The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"

My dad used to always say that there was a lot of AIDS in the nursing home he worked in

Hearing aids, walking aids....

3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.

A woman was working at a nursing home

One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.
Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his family brings them for him, but he doesn't like them.
So the woman said, well if you don't like them, you should tell them, so they stop bringing them for you! And the old man said no that's ok, I like the chocolate, just not the almonds inside.

Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)

Three men are sitting around the table at their nursing home talking about bathroom issues because of age. The first guy says.
"At 6 every morning I try and s**.... But I am so constipated it takes an hour." The second man speaks up.
"Every morning at 7 I try and p**.... But it is slow and just drips out." The 3rd man says.
"I have you both beat. Every Morning at 6 I take a huge c**.... must be a pound of turns there. Then at 7 I p**... heavy. must be a gallon of p**...." The other two men look confused.
"Why is that bad."
"I dont get out of bed until 9."

Nursing Home joke, Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)

jokes about nursing home