Nursing Home Jokes

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like u**...?
A: Line dancing at a nursing home.

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home.

It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts.
"I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve s**... the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home...

old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!'
she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!'
he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?'
she says, 'you told me yesterday.'

We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday

I called Grandma to see how he was doing.

"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.

"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.

"No, he's dead."

A couple at the nursing home

So two residents at the old age home are about to hook up. They're getting all hot and heavy in the woman's room.
Suddenly, she stops and says to the man, "Before we go any further, I should tell you I have acute angina."
To which the man replies reassuringly, "At my age, I don't care *what* it looks like."

Fish out of water.

I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."

I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Two old guys are sitting at a table in the nursing home, when a totally n**... old lady with a walker streaks slowly past them

o**... says to the other, " I can't see so well anymore. What was that?"
The other guy says, "I'm not sure, but it definitely needed ironing."

The old lady who can guess your age

An elderly woman who lives in a nursing home approaches an elderly man and tells him, "I bet I can guess your age." He tells her to go for it.
She says, "okay, but I need to stick my hand down your pants and feel it." Unsure about her method, he's intrigued and allows her to do so.
She reaches into his pants and fondles him for a few moments. She then tells him, "you're 87!"
Amazed, he says, "That's incredible! How did you do know?"
She replies, "you told me yesterday."

Alzheimers..

This old guy and old lady are sitting in a nursing home when the guy turns to the woman and says "I bet you can't guess how old I am". The lady says "I'll bet I can, unzip your pants", so he does, she sticks her hand in, feels around, pulls her hand out and says "you're 83". The guy says "WOW! That's amazing! How'd you do that!?" the woman replies "you ask me the same question every day, Frank".

Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League

Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.

Best response by a nursing home patient ever.

I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"?
He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."

An old man and woman meet at a nursing home and decide to get married...

The nursing home doctor suggests they each get a physical before tying the knot.
The doctor examines the woman first. When the man comes in, the doctor tells him, "before we begin, I should tell you that your fiancee has acute angina."
"I know, doc. I've seen it several times already. That's why I'm marrying her!"

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Exercise can add years to your life.

This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

So my parents are getting older and sicker

I think it's time I move them into a nursing home. I feel really bad though, because I live with my parents and I don't want to live in a nursing home.

A woman gets home from the hospital.

She is walking slowly into the house so her husband asks if she is okay. " NO! my knees hurt and my jaw is sore." Her husband looks at her and says " I hate to say I told you so, but I told you not to take the job as Head nurse."

A doctor is looking for the next patient

Doctor: Where is the next patient?
Blonde Nurse: I told him to go home.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Blonde Nurse: He told me he is not feeling well.

I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel...

....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.

There are two old men at a nursing home

One of them turns to the other and asks "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
The other man responds "Depends"

AN OLD f**...

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you f**...."

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

What's forty feet long and smells like u**...?

A conga line at a nursing home

So my family and I go past a nursing home...

There are balloons on the sign. My wife says "maybe someone had a birthday", my daughter says "maybe it's for a fundraiser", and then my son says "maybe someone they didn't like died and they are celebrating"

Do you ever go to wipe and your fingers rip through the toilet paper?

Sometimes I hate my job in the nursing home.

What's the difference between The White House and a nursing home for the senile?

The White House smells worse.

My Grandpa died doing what he loved.

Driving his big rig, that nursing home didn't know what hit them.

Why do hospitals and nursing home have air conditioning?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

My mom was checking out some glossy brochures to travel to a place she's never been where she'd be waited on hand and foot 24/7 with all inclusive dining and entertainment

I agreed and put her in a nursing home

Why do jails receive more funding than nursing homes?

The politicians who make the budget don't worry about ending up in nursing homes.

"Grandpa caught a virus yesterday while browsing the web at the nursing home.."

".. apparently there were hot shingles in his area."

The 90th birthday

An elderly man is celebrating his 90th birthday down at the nursing home and all his friends decide to surprise him by getting him a present. So they wheel in this massive cake and out pops a beautiful young women who looks at the old man and says:
"Hi, I can give you some super s**...!"
So the old man says "Well uuuh... I guess I'll take the soup"

What do you call it when j**... sleeps with 3 old women at a nursing home in one night?

A j**... hat trick.

in the wake of the pandemic and failing ratings, AMC's The Walking Dead has changed it's format.

it will now be a reality show shot solely inside America's nursing homes.

Grandad went into a nursing home,

so I rang them to see how he was.
Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."
I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"
She said, "No, he's dead!"

What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home?

"It won't be for long."

Retirement Home

An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except o**.... The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"

My dad used to always say that there was a lot of AIDS in the nursing home he worked in

Hearing aids, walking aids....

3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.

A woman was working at a nursing home

One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.
Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his family brings them for him, but he doesn't like them.
So the woman said, well if you don't like them, you should tell them, so they stop bringing them for you! And the old man said no that's ok, I like the chocolate, just not the almonds inside.

Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)

Three men are sitting around the table at their nursing home talking about bathroom issues because of age. The first guy says.
"At 6 every morning I try and s**.... But I am so constipated it takes an hour." The second man speaks up.
"Every morning at 7 I try and p**.... But it is slow and just drips out." The 3rd man says.
"I have you both beat. Every Morning at 6 I take a huge c**.... must be a pound of turns there. Then at 7 I p**... heavy. must be a gallon of p**...." The other two men look confused.
"Why is that bad."
"I dont get out of bed until 9."