nurse Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nurse puns

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, You may not feel anything from the waist down.

Fair enough, I replied, and felt her breasts.

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

'Nurse', he mumbles. 'Are my testicles black?' Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says 'there nothing wrong with them sir'. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ' Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ' are-my-tests-re-sults-back?'

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A redneck went to the hospital

A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

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After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

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John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

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The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

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After my prostate exam....

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

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I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.


She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

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Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and was asked by the nurse if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said 'I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet'

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I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

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Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....

She said...."Who was that guy?"

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

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Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says

"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

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A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

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I decided not to vaccinate my daughter...

I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

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A man is in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. (NSFW)

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

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A nurse finds a thermometer in her front pocket...

and thinks to herself, some asshole has my pen

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NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day

She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?" He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"

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Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.

And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

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So, SchrΓΆdinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

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A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital

When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

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A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

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A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."

"Sure thing, sweet pee."

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks,

Some asshole's got my pen.

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After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in.

And whispered the 5 words that no man ever wants to hear - "Who the fuck was that?"

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A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!"

I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."

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John Cena wakes up from coma

Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: I C U
Cena: No you don't

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A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

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After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

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In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

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So I go to the doctor and the nurse says Sir, can you masturbate in the cup?

I replied Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete.

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What are the most funny Nurse jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nurse? Well, here are the best Nurse dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nurse pick up lines to share with friends.

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