Nurse Jokes

141 nurse jokes and hilarious nurse puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about nurse that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Oh, the joy of nurse jokes, a dash of laughter for those in scrubs and others alike. Whether it's banter about the school nurse, a punchline between a doctor and nurse, or a jest shared between a patient and nurse, everyone loves a good chuckle. And let's not forget the zingers about the hot nurse! Remember, timing is key - jokes are best served during a casual conversation, maybe over a cup of coffee in the hospital cafeteria, or even at a medical party. It's all about lightening the mood and bonding with your fellow hospital dwellers. Just keep it respectful and friendly, because no one likes a sour joke.

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Funniest Nurse Short Jokes

Short nurse jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nurse humour may include short nursing student jokes also.

  1. The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
  2. A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood The nurse asks, what's your blood type?
    The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"
  3. A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
  4. A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
  5. For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse. At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
  6. Fox News actually saved my life. I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
  7. After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
  8. John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?
    Nurse: ICU
    John Cena: No you don't.
  9. Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
    Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
  10. A priest, a lawyer, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank... ... and the nurse asks, "what types are you?"
    The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."

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Nurse One Liners

Which nurse one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nurse? I can suggest the ones about nanny and midwife.

  1. A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."
  2. Why do nurses like red crayons? Because they often have to draw blood!
  3. If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
  4. Why does the blonde nurse take a red pen to work? In case she has to draw blood.
  5. What's better than a paradox? A pair of nurses
  6. Why do school nurses bring a red crayon to work? So they can draw blood
  7. Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood
  8. What do nurses watch at the old folks home? The grammies!
  9. I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
  10. How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse? She's the one with dirty knees.
  11. Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? To draw blood.
  12. What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The "head" nurse.
  13. Why does the nurse always carry a red pen while at work? To draw blood.
  14. How do you know which nurse is the head nurse? Look for the one with dirty knees.
  15. John Cena wakes up from a coma. JC: Where am I?
    Nurse: ICU.
    JC: No you don't.

Doctor And Nurse Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and nurse jokes and even better doctor and nurse puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system. You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
  • After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear.. Who was that..
  • How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.
  • Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
  • Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.'
    Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'
  • I can tell we still live in a sexist society because... Doctors still make more money than nurses.
  • An invisible man was in the waiting room. "Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
    The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
  • I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said Don't worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.
  • After the doctor left the room from my prostate exam, the nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
  • I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?" I said, "Yes. The doctor."

Patient Nurse Jokes

Here is a list of funny patient nurse jokes and even better patient nurse puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • *year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
    Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.
  • What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm? Fine, suture self!
  • A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
    "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
  • The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types.. His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!
  • A man who wants a pretty nurse Must be patient
  • Why did the doctor despise his nurse? She was always testing his patients.
  • Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby". Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".
  • What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital? When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"
  • A patient overhears the doctor yelling, "Measles, mumps, rubella, polio, Covid..." He asks the nurse what's going on. The nurse replies, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
  • A Nurse talks to her young Patient Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out?
    Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards
Nurse joke, A Nurse talks to her young Patient

Surgery Nurse Jokes

Here is a list of funny surgery nurse jokes and even better surgery nurse puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A lawyer wakes up after surgery He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn. She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
  • A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier
  • I woke up on the table in the middle of my heart surgery. The nurse just said, maybe cardiology isn't for you.
  • I went into hospital for keyhole surgery. I woke up with lock-jaw.
    The nurses are still looking into it.

Male Nurse Jokes

Here is a list of funny male nurse jokes and even better male nurse puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the hardest part about being a vegetable? The male nurse.
  • What do you call a medic who deals with male bladder problems? A Pee Nurse
  • What do you call a Nurse that specializes in male genitalia? A Pi-nurse.
Nurse joke, What do you call a Nurse that specializes in male genitalia?

Uplifting Nurse Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about nurse you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nursing school jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nurse pranks.

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a m**... hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.

In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...

The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call

A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...

She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:
"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"
The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."
The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"
"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.
"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.
"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

A guy calls the hospital.

He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!"

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.


A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."

Morning Jew

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"

A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...

Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some a**...'s got my pen!"

Masked man robs a s**... bank...

... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"

Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a s**... bank, we don't have any money here."
I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.
"Now drink this viel!"
"But sir this is s**...!"
"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.
"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.

The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.
"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"

In a hospital

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a r**... thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some a**...'s got my pen."

So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday
"are you looking for anything in special?"
"what do you have?"
"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "
"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"
"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a r**... thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a r**... thermometer behind your ear."
The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some a**...'s got my pencil!"

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have s**... with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.

I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.

Prostate Exam

After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had –
the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.
After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
She said...."Who was that guy?"

My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...

Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.
Me: IV?
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.

A nurse comes in and tells a doc...

..."there's a man in the waiting room that thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"
Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

Can I talk to my son?

A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."


A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a r**... thermometer

"Ugh, some a**...'s got my pen!"

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a u**... sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your u**.... You're diabetic." She says.
Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."
"Sure thing, sweet pee."

Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...

The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident
and when hes rushed to hospital
the only available transplant are a child's
so he gets the surgery
and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain
the nurse runs up and says
'sir is it your legs'
and the man goes
'its my kidneys'

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a s**... bank and it doesn't work that way.

Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor's office.

Here , said the nurse, handing her a u**... specimen container. The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn't need this after all!

Today I decided to donate blood...

After the procedure I asked the nurse what my blood type was out of curiosity. She told me I was type A so I thanked her and left. As I was walking out the door she came sprinting after me and said Wait, I told you the wrong blood type on accident, it was a type O.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.

Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!

Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.

Nurse to my dad at the hospital...

... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?
Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire
Nurse: looks to my mom
Mom: no.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"
Girl says, "LYING b**...!" and leaves.

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

I decided not to vaccinate my daughter...

I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

A nurse pulls a r**... thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...

"d**..., some a**...'s got my pen."

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

Meanwhile at the s**... Donor Bank

A guy walks into a s**... donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the s**... bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a s**... bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the s**... samples. The guy says "Take one of those s**... samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are s**... samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse s**... it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?
Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.
Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?
Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.
Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk
Father: Shut up cinderblock

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a b**... Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a r**... and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

Got an old joke from my teacher.

A nurse was walking past a mother who recently gave birth to a son.
"Congratulations, your son's pretty handsome!" the nurse said to the mother.
Mother: "Thank you. Do you always say this to all parents?"
Nurse: "No, I only say it when I really think so."
Mother: "So what do you say to the ugly ones?"
Nurse: "Oh, I just tell them: Congratulations, they look just like you!"

A nurse takes a r**... thermometer out of her pocket.

She says, "s**..., some a**... has my pen!"

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your n**...". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

I had my wife dress as a nurse and get on top last night.

That's the closest to healthcare coverage I've had since I was 26.
cries in American

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: What's your blood group?

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."

"... the nurse does it for me."
"I understand stand sir, but this is a s**... bank, it doesn't work that way here."

An 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with no memory and brain damage.

The doctor asked him a series of questions:
Do you know where you are?
I'm at Rex Hospital.
What city are you in?
Do you know who I am?
Dr. Hamilton.
the old grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge.
guys i have copied this joke and edited formating. its not my original creation.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

My tinder date invited me back to her house tonight, and while she was in the bathroom, I had a cheeky look in her wardrobe. Inside, there was a nurse outfit, a police woman's uniform and a full d**... bodysuit, so I quickly pulled on my pants and snuck out of there.

I don't want a girlfriend who can't hold down a job.

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we're discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.
As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to straighten him up again.
As she walked away, I asked:
Me: So gramps, how do you like living here so far?
A tear starts running down his face as he gets this wistful look in his eyes.
Grandpa: it's not too bad. I just wish they would let me f**....

Nurse joke, My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

jokes about nurse