nun Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nun puns

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair

Virgin Mobile

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A nun was sitting in the bath....

....when there was a knock on the door.

Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.

"It's the blind man," came the reply.

Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in.

A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"

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What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's face as he says, "Oh shit I just ran over a nun."

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What do you call a nun on a bicycle?

virgin mobile

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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy.

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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely"

"Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."

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How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW

Dress her up as an altar boy.

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Two nuns were cleaning the church...

The first nun says, "You aren't going to believe this, but the other day I was cleaning Father Tim's room, and I found condoms in his night stand."

The second nun says, "Oh my! What did you do?"

The first nun says, "I poked holes in them."

The second nun says, "Fuck..."

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Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."

The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I burned them."

The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."

The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"

"I poked holes in them."

The third nun fainted.

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Nun joke

Two nuns were bicycling down an old dirt road on the countryside. One nun says, "I've never come this way before." The other replies, "It's the cobblestones."

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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

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what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?

Nun.

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Three Nuns are in line at the gates to get into Heaven

Saint Peter tells them "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven, if you have ever touched a mans penis, place that body part in this bowl of holy water so you may be cleansed." The first Nun steps up and places her hand in the water, then walks into Heaven. The third Nun jumps in front of the second Nun and asks "can I gargle the water before she sticks her butt in it?"

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A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"

"About two foot sir" replies the bartender

"Shit. I've just run over a nun."

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2 nuns take a shortcut

2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."

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What Do You Call A Sleep Walking Nun?

A Roamin' Catholic.

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A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

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A priest was confronted by a prostitute.

"Do want a quickie for ten bucks?"

Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a quickie?"

The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."

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God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

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What does a priest get when he wants some pussy?

Nun.

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Two nuns are travelling down a road late at night

And suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car.

The first nun says to the second nun,

"Quick! Show him your cross!"

the second nun then leans out the window and shouts,

"Get the fuck out the way, you pointy mouthed weirdo!"

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A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock at the door.

She rushes to the door and asks
"Who is it?"
The man outside replies,
"It's the blind man"
The nun opens the door and asks
"How can I help you?"
The blind man replies "Nice tits, where can I hang the blinds?"

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A nun was fired from her job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

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My favourite way to dress is all in black.

My sense of fashion is second to nun.

I'll show myself out.

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During the war, an enemy soldier captures 3 nuns..

.He says that as revenge he'll rape all of them.

Young nun requested: Please spare the older nun.


Old nun : Shut up you Bitch! War is war.

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Three nuns were having a conversation.

The first one says:"Guess what I found in Father's room while cleaning it? A pile of porn under his bed!"

"So what did you do?" asked the other two.

"I ripped it up and threw it out, of course."

The second nun says:"Guess what I found while doing Father's laundry? A box of condoms hidden in his shirt!"

"So what did you do?" asked the other two nuns.

"I poked holes in all of them, of course."

The third nun fainted.

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Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit

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The word nun is just the letter n...

...doing a forward roll.

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ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"

"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"

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What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?

A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile
C) Nun of the above

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100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

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What are the most funny Nun jokes of all time ?

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