Number Jokes

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999.

Weird right?

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

My laziness is like the number 8.

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

If the number 6**... is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed...

... Number 14 shocked me.

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.

The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

0.6**...

... beware the number of the millibeast.

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...

The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

When my wife got pregnant everything changed

My name, my address and my phone number

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We's have a prime number of states and finally be one nation, indivisible

My wife's car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said , Were you able to see what the guy looked like?

She replied, No, but I got the license plate number!

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

A Jewish girl asked for my number

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I told her we use names now.

13: I'm the number everybody hates . 6**...: No way, I am the number everybody hates .

2020: lol .

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

The maid asked for a raise

[Long]

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons. Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"

Woman : " Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband"

Woman : "Oh"

Maid : "And the third reason is that I am better at s**... than you"

Woman : "Did my husband said that too?"

Maid : "No, the gardener did."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

There are approximately 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole.

This is known as avocado's number.

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

I bet it's the snooty b**... at number twenty three, she replied.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

I feel sad for people with gay parents

They either get twice the number of dad jokes or are stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask mom'

Puns make me numb

Mathematical puns makes me number

One of the side effects of the COVID vaccine is constipation.

After getting the first dose, you'll need to wait a few weeks for number 2.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
 

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

There are 6.02*10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

This is also known as avocado's number.

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.

The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?

The American: Go back to Europe!

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Two blondes and a bus

Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.

One asks the other:

"Which bus are you taking?"

"Number 1. And you?"

"Two."

The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:

"Look, we're going together!"

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.

Doc says "what have you been eating"?

I said well doc I've been eating snooker b**...!!

What?? Snooker b**... Charlie??

Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porridge and a nice cup of tea.

Lunch is a sandwich a black, 2 reds and a yellow washed down with another cup of tea.

For dinner I have a nice steak, 4 reds 2 blues 1 brown again washed down with a nice cup of tea.

Doc said "hey Charlie I know where you're going wrong, you ain't eating enough greens!!"

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in polite company?

It's two g**....

Due to the cost of living crisis, a paramedic has had to take a second job as a Buzzfeed writer.

Their first article was on the 2 best forms of resuscitation.

Number 1 was CPR,

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Number 2... WILL SHOCK YOU

Have you seen the sequel to Constipation?

Nah, number two hasn't come out yet.

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

Today, the girl next door gave me her number and said I could call her any time.

I looked at her and said: "Well, that's a funny name."

My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, "Number Two, make it so!"

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number

You answered the wrong phone