Number Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Number puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Number

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.ο»Ώ

0.666

... beware the number of the millibeast.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed...

... Number 14 shocked me.

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We's have a prime number of states and finally be one nation, indivisible

Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.

Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

A Jewish girl asked for my number



I told her we use names now.

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

Yeah, it's a math joke

17: Hey 11, want to hear a joke?

11: Sure.

17: What did one prime number say to the other prime number?

11: I give up.

17: "I can't even."

11 and 17 together: HAHAHA!!!!!

2: I don't get it.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999.

Weird right?

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

When my wife got pregnant everything changed

My name, my address and my phone number

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.

The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

My laziness is like the number 8.

Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

My wife's car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said , Were you able to see what the guy looked like?

She replied, No, but I got the license plate number!

A woman giddily asks her husband...

"Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?"

"Pi," said the husband.

"Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?"

"No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."

So I went to the club last night and asked a German girl for her number...

and you'll never believe it! Her number is 999-999-9999!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

Woman: Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day. What can i give him?

Doctor: My number

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

German women love me...

I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

First one says give me half a pint. Second one says a quarter, third says an eighth. The bartender puts down one pint and says, you people need to know your limits.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!

How do you change the number of sides on a Pentagon?

Intersect it with a plane.

I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer."
The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer."
Frustrated, the bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "You guys should know your limits."

Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

Today I saw a phone number written on a pillar...

Should I column?

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes