number Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious number stories

What are the best Number puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Number? Well here is a complete list of Number to have fun with:

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

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"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

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I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

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How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

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65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

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I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.

When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.

While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

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Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass
along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

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I asked a chinese girl for her number...

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

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A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

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Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

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I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999.

Weird right?

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

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Got a pen?

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

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Shingles

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on. The bartender says Whoa, whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.

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An infinite number of engineers walk into a bar

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes!" and pours two beers.

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The worst number in the world.

6.9 it's 69 interrupted by a period

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Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name.
Everything.

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Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

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[Dad joke] A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea.

Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again.

The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says

"Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

[This is my dad's favorite joke]

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Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Because she can't find the number 11

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome

One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.

The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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How do you get a Jewish Girl's number?

Roll up her sleeve!

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Bear Removal Service

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do.?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun
for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."

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Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

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I asked for her number she said sex sex sex

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight! I said, Wow! Then her friend said, She means 666-3629.

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How Can Numbers Be Real If Our i's Aren't Real

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Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic..

Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.

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A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"

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Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven?

When it dies it becomes immortal.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

First asks for a beer, second asks for half a beer, third asks for a quarter of a beer...

Barmen says "Got it, no need to continue" and proceeds to ring up two beers.

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How I lost my teeth...

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.
She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.
I looked at her said, Have you got a pen.
She said, I sure do."
I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.

My dental surgery is on Monday.

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Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

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So a mole goes into a club...

And ends up getting Avogadro's number.

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Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

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I was flirting with an Asian girl at a bar last night when I decided to ask for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629".

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Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"

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A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.

'Is it moving?' they asked.

'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best number jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty number gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these number jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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