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Number 4 Jokes

88 number 4 jokes and hilarious number 4 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about number 4 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Number 4 Short Jokes

Short number 4 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The number 4 humour may include short number 5 jokes also.

  1. Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
  2. Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but... shouldn't that be an even number?
  3. How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had? He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...
  4. My exceptional memory allows me to memorize a sequence of more than a million numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
  5. I'm surprised 4 isn't an unlucky number. Nothing good ever comes from putting 2 and 2 together.
  6. If I ever had the chance to name a new road, I'd call it "Skin Road". Just so I could laugh at the people living at number 4
  7. I asked my mom, "How much is a couple?" "A small number. 4, maybe 5," she replied.
    Probably explains why I don't know my father.
  8. Starwars Joke Someone:"Why are the star wars series numbered 4,5,6,1,2,3?"
    Yoda:"In charge of ordering, I was."
  9. I never trusted the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 and 11…. There's just something *odd* about them. But the numbers 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 and 12 are *even* worse than them.
  10. 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? Well, from what I can tell, certainly not odd numbers.

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Number 4 One Liners

Which number 4 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with number 4? I can suggest the ones about number 2 and number 3.

  1. No one: Numbers: 0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
  2. Why is the number 4 considered a pushover? Because 4 is two squared of confrontation.
  3. Q: Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub? A: Because he is 2 square
  4. Why does no one like the number 4? It's too square.
  5. What languages consist of numbers and letters? 4-N Languages.
  6. Why didn't the number 4 ask the girl out Because it was two squared...
  7. 10 reasons why doctors use defibrillators... Number 4 will shock you!
  8. What is a white person's favorite Mexican dish? Number 4.
  9. teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...? steven: even numbers
    stephen: ephen numbers
  10. What did the 4 say to the 6? Nothing; Numbers can't talk.
  11. Why don't hippies like the number 4? It's 2 square...
  12. What did the regular expression truck driver say when he saw the number 10000? 10{4}
  13. Why is the number 10 so popular? Because 10 is always up 4; 6.
  14. What number is always at the front of any line? 4 because it's always forward!
  15. If the number '3' had an asian brother with cancer, what would be its name? 4-chan

Number 4 Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about number 4 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean number 7 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make number 4 pranks.

Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a s**... fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is s**....
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

Inner city youths

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the Mc Laren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!.

Welcome to the physchiatric hotline

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are maniac depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
If you are a depressive, don't press anything. Just sit there and cry.

Project: Reimagined

There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They started out by impregnating 10 women with the altered embryos. For the sake of confidentiality the clones were numbered instead of named, 1-10.
The modifications seemed to work in some of the clones, but it caused some strange side effects in the other ones, not all of them survived childhood.
The first to go was 8. She wasn't told to eat, so she starved.
Then it was 2 and 10. 2 had become dangerously aggressive and attacked 10, who fought back just well enough.
Next went 4 to some disconnect in her nervous system.
Then 1, when she tried to escape after a mental break down.
3 and 5 committed s**....
The project was terminated after an incident where 9 went missing. In the file there was what seemed to be a transcript from an interview of 6, the terrified clone who witnessed it.
"Dr: Where has 9 gone? Has she told you her plan after she escaped.
6: 9 didn't escape.
Dr: What are you talking about? The whole base has been searched! 9 is nowhere to be found! Where is 9?
6: You aren't listening! 9 didn't escape, 7 killed her!
Dr: What? How? How did she kill her and then get rid of the body?
6: Isn't it obvious Doctor? 7 ate 9."

A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.

The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.
Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant1: 4
Boss: get out
Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.
Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant2: 4
Boss: get out.
Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that s**... he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.
Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant3: anything you want it to be.
Boss: you're hired.

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

This is the psychiatry hotline,

If you are Obsessive- Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly,
If you are co- dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you,
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6,
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call,
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship,
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press,
If you're depressive it doesn't matter which number you'll press no one will answer you,
If you're dyslexic press 69696996966,
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep, please wait for the beep,
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later
and if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all operators are too busy to talk to you...

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

God's Flawed Design


The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Rival School Prank

On the night before a rival football game several high school seniors abducted four cows from a local farmer. In red paint, they labeled each of the cows. On the first cow was the "#1", on the second was "#2", the third was "#3" and on the final cow they wrote the number "#5". The students then released the cows in various parts of their rival's school grounds. The next morning, the cows were found and quickly rounded up. The rival school then spent the entire day searching for cow #4.

HARLEY DAVIDSON MEETS GOD

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

4 monks

Years ago, there were 4 monks going through the trials to reach their inner peace. They all excelled to the point of the last test; the test of purity. Each monk had a brass ring precariously hung off their d**.... Then, the head monk chose the most beautiful woman from the village to walk n**... in front of all the monks. Should any of the monks be a**..., their rings would drop and they'd fail the test. The woman went down the row. Monk #1; nothing. Number 2; not a stir. The 3rd monk stood stone faced and motionless. However, when the fourth monk was reached, his ring dropped. Horribly ashamed, he bent over to pick it up. Then the 3 other rings dropped.

You've Been Programming Too Long When...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

If you count on your fingers using binary you will probably want to try to avoid the numbers 4, 128, and definitely 132.

You won't find the explanation to this joke here, you are going to have to work it out on your own. Just maybe don't do it in public.

Not-so lil Johnny anymore

Tired of Johnny's bed wetting, his mommy comes up with a way she could teach him to do it right by himself and so, she calls on Johnny, tells him the following set of steps to follow the next time he would pee. She told Johnny to shout the number out loud so that she could hear him from behind the door.
And the steps go like this
1 - Open the flier
2 - Hold it out and aim for the centre
3 - Pull the skin backwards and give it a gentle shake and pull it back forwards
4 - Put it back in the sack and close the flier
And within just a few weeks, she was happy that it was working quite well as she could hear johnny read the numbers out loud 1,2,3 and 4 until one fine day, when all she could hear Johnny say was
1,2,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3,3.......

Answering machine message

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Why was number 4 blushing?

She saw 2 and 3 halving six

Bruce Springsteen isn't very good at math

I don't think anyone's heard him count past the number 4 in years.

A number fight

there was this 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 ganging on a 0, he tightened his belt and became an 8 and beat them all

Me and my step son were watching letters and numbers

Letters and numbers is a show where contestants are given a certain number of letters and 30sec to make the biggest word or 6 different numbers and 30sec to reach a target number using only those given once with the standard 4 operations.
So I'm watching with my son and one of the contestants is a dwarf/midget (the politically correct term) and he is smashing it! He managed to reach the target number in less than 10 seconds! And I go wow! He's so smart at maths.
My son turns to me and says
Because it's the little things that count.

I bought a Lottery ticket today

Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."
Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."

Sven: "What are the odds?"
Ollie: "29, 11, 35."

A training plane with 4 people crashes

into a graveyard. 79 victims were found dead in the first hour of search and rescue. Authorities fear that the number may rise.

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.

Not to bother, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Thanks to my grandmother for sending that one.

A professor makes a bet with a student

A professor makes a bet with a student. Every question the professor asks that the student can't answer the student will owe him $1, every question the student asks that the professor can't answer he owes the student $100.
Professor: What element has the atomic number 45?
The student having no idea hands the professor $1.
Student: What animal walks on 2 legs, sleeps on 4 legs, and runs on 3 legs?
The professor is stumped, so he gives the student $100.
Professor: Ok you win, but on earth was the answer to your question?
The student gives the professor $1 and goes home.

In a 100 meters race...

Referee : 1,2,3 Go!
Everybody started running except Jack.
Referee : Why are you not running?
Jack : My number is 4..

How math, physics, programmimg and philosophy convince that all odd numbers bigger than one are primes...

Math: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime. I'll get the rest of them with induction.
Physics: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 9 measurement error, 11 prime, 13 prime.
I tested enough numbers.
Programming: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime...
Philosophy: 2 prime, 4 prime, 6 prime

Why do the other numbers not hang out with 1, 4, 9, 16, and 25?

Because they're just a bunch of squares.

Some numbers are having a party

There's 3, 4, and 5 playing pin the tail on the donkey. 8, 9, and 0 are chasing a ball around. Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Except for little 2. Alone he sits in the corner quietly watching everyone play. After some time he says, too quietly for anybody to hear, "would anyone like to play?". But no one hears him. All the numbers keep carrying on and having a great time. Quietly he says again, "would anyone like to play?". But again, no one hears him.
Later on he says to his mum, "mum why can't I play with the other numbers?". And his mother just looks at him and shakes her head. "Because, son, you're not a loud two."

A plane is on a transatlantic flight when the pilot begins to speak.

"Folks, this is your captain speaking, our number engine one has developed some trouble. We'll make it, but they'll be an hour delay."
10 minutes later, the pilot makes another announcement: "Our number two engine just quit. We'll be fine, but they'll be 2 hours late."
5 minutes go by and the pilot speaks up again: "Our number three engine is gone, we'll have a 4 hour delay now."
One minute later, the pilot begins to speak "We just lost our number four engine..."
At this moment, a passenger yells out: "At this rate, we'll be stuck here the rest of our lives!"

The answering protocol for the psychiatric hotline.

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No-one will answer.

The MBTA app started using a period in the track numbers... Track 4.0 instead of track 4.

Its the first time I've seen the MBTA this punctual.

What number doesn't like Halloween?

The number 4. Because it was two squared.
(too scared)

By asking 4 questions i can tell what your zodiac sign is

1. What's your favorite color?
2. What's your mother's maiden name?
3. What's your social security number?
4. What's your birthday?

14. Having your title be an extension of the post as well

Things I hate
1 Lists
2 Irony
4 Numbers being out of order
5 Skipping numbers
F Inconsistency
7 Repetition
7 Repetition
8 Speling wurdz rong
9 DLC
10 Replying to your own comment

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the bathroom door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

The complex mathematics of the bus driver

Imagine yourself being a bus driver.
At stop number 1, you get 10 passengers.
At stop number 2, you get 3 passengers.
At stop number 3, 4 passengers get off, 2 male 1 female.
At stop number 4, 11 passengers got on.
At stop number 5, 6 passengers get off, 2 kids, 4 females.

How old is the bus driver ?



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(\*SPOILER\*)> you are the bus driver remember, its your age < (\*SPOILER\*)

Dave walks into a bar and sees President Donald Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence at a table, deep in discussion.

He doesn't want to interrupt, but they see him, invite him over and they soon get to talking.
We're on track to bomb the Middle East, excitedly claims the President. We're going to reduce those towelheads to a shadow of their former numbers. We're going to kill 3 million Syrians, 4 million Iraqis, 2 million Lebanese and ten nuns from that convent down the road!
Flabbergasted, Dave exclaims, What do the nuns have to do with anything?
The VP turns to the President and says, You can send in the drones tomorrow, Mr President. I told you no one would care about the Middle East.

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "
"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"
The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"
"That's odd"

Five Things

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time." 2) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1) Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, amen."

I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.
Doc says "what have you been eating"?
I said well doc I've been eating snooker b**...!!
What?? Snooker b**... Charlie??
Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porridge and a nice cup of tea.
Lunch is a sandwich a black, 2 reds and a yellow washed down with another cup of tea.
For dinner I have a nice steak, 4 reds 2 blues 1 brown again washed down with a nice cup of tea.
Doc said "hey Charlie I know where you're going wrong, you ain't eating enough greens!!"

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.
"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.
If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you do in life, and what you want from us. Please stay on the phone while we trace your call.
If you suffer from hallucinations, press the 7 on the big pink telephone that you, and only you, see at your immediate right.
If you are suffer from chizophrenia, please kindly ask your imaginary friend to press the 8 key for you.
If you suffer from depression, it doesn't matter which key you press, as there is nothing to do: yours is a basket case, and there is no cure.
If you suffer from amnesia, press keys in rapid sequence 2, 7, 5, 3, 9 5, 7, 5, 1, 6, 4, 9 and repeat out loud, in the following order, your name, surname, home address, mobile number, e-mail, social security number, bank account number, ATM pin code, date of birth, marital status, place of birth and your grandmother's maiden name.
If you suffer from indecision, leave your message before, after, or during the beep.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from obsessive avarice we have to inform you that this call costs 500 euros per minute.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, keep waiting: all our operators are busy responding to people who are much more important than you.
If you are one of the Italians that voted for Berlusconi, please hang up. We cure the crazy, not the jerks.

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an investigation into the matter, which will conclude within 4-6 business weeks.