Number 10 Jokes

Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a s**... fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is s**....
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the n**.... This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the n**... all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Southern Gas Station Promotion

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, Free s**... with Fill-Up."
Soon a local r**... pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free s**.... The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free s**.... The r**... guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close! The number was 7. Sorry; no s**... this time."
A week later, the same r**..., along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free s**.... The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The r**... guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free s**... this time."
As they were driving away, the r**... said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE s**...." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."

Snowy week.

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Inner city youths

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the Mc Laren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!.

Project: Reimagined

There once was a secret government program that tried to create perfect soldiers through genetic modification, cloning, and strenuous conditioning.
What they wanted to achieve was the normal super soldier run down:
- Super strong
- Super fast
- Super smart
- Super obedient
They started out by impregnating 10 women with the altered embryos. For the sake of confidentiality the clones were numbered instead of named, 1-10.
The modifications seemed to work in some of the clones, but it caused some strange side effects in the other ones, not all of them survived childhood.
The first to go was 8. She wasn't told to eat, so she starved.
Then it was 2 and 10. 2 had become dangerously aggressive and attacked 10, who fought back just well enough.
Next went 4 to some disconnect in her nervous system.
Then 1, when she tried to escape after a mental break down.
3 and 5 committed s**....
The project was terminated after an incident where 9 went missing. In the file there was what seemed to be a transcript from an interview of 6, the terrified clone who witnessed it.
"Dr: Where has 9 gone? Has she told you her plan after she escaped.
6: 9 didn't escape.
Dr: What are you talking about? The whole base has been searched! 9 is nowhere to be found! Where is 9?
6: You aren't listening! 9 didn't escape, 7 killed her!
Dr: What? How? How did she kill her and then get rid of the body?
6: Isn't it obvious Doctor? 7 ate 9."

A college student walks up to the ten items or less line...

Heard on Car Talk... (from memory)
A college student walks up to the ten items or less line in a Boston supermarket....
He gets in line with an *enormous* number of items, far more than the 10 permitted.
The cashier takes a long look, and asks him, "So. You must be a student at either Harvard or MIT, right?"
"Why yes" he says, "how did you know?"
"Well, getting in *this* line with those groceries, you either go to MIT and can't read, or Harvard and can't count."

My friend redeems himself after getting shot down...

My coworker was hitting on these two women who were way put of his league. They tolerated him for a while thinking he would go away, but he was persistent to the point that they were getting visibly agitated.
Thinking she would put him in his place, one of the women finally said, "Look buddy, I'm sure you're great, but my friend and I only date guys with 10-inch d**...."
I was getting that feeling in my stomach that guys get when they watch a friend get shot down and utterly humiliated. Then my friend replied, "Hey lady, I don't care who y'all are, I ain't holding back two inches for nobody!"
He got their numbers.

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Welfare Joke

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office.
Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy."
When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says 'List names of children', you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."
"They all named Leroy," said the black woman.
"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.
"Oh that's easy, I uses their last names."

Reading between the lines.

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

An elderly Jewish woman

wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money.
She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family."
The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important."
She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back.
The Rabbi says they could always use the money.
Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf h**...."
Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries.
She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

A man drives to a gas station with the sign "Free s**... with every full tank".

The man fills up, goes inside and asks the guy inside for his free s**.... The attendant says "Tell me a number between 1 and 10", "7", "That was close, it was 8, better luck next time."
Next week he tries again, and he chooses 2 and close but no free s**.... Keep on trying is the attendant advice. The man returns to his car and later shares his disappointment with a coworker.
"But don't you realize" says the coworker "that this is a marketing ploy, and you are never going to win at it?" "I'm not s**...." says the man, "And I know it's not just a ploy, because, three times in a row now, my wife has won it".

r**... Birth Control

A r**... in the deep south calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple. So simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can, a cherry bomb (little firecracker) and to count to 10 whilst standing in the garden.
So the r**... empties the can, lights the cherry bomb and drops it in.
Holding the can in his left hand he starts counting on his fingers.
And then placing the can between his thighs he continues to count on the other hand.

A plane is on a transatlantic flight when the pilot begins to speak.

"Folks, this is your captain speaking, our number engine one has developed some trouble. We'll make it, but they'll be an hour delay."
10 minutes later, the pilot makes another announcement: "Our number two engine just quit. We'll be fine, but they'll be 2 hours late."
5 minutes go by and the pilot speaks up again: "Our number three engine is gone, we'll have a 4 hour delay now."
One minute later, the pilot begins to speak "We just lost our number four engine..."
At this moment, a passenger yells out: "At this rate, we'll be stuck here the rest of our lives!"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

Yes he said. My father taught me.
Good. What come after three?
Four, answered the boy.
What comes after six?
Seven.
Very good, said the teacher. Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?
Jack.