Nudges Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man and a wife are sitting outside...

The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."

Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...

A husband says his wife's ass look like an old washing machine

A husband, thinking about his younger wife, says to his her "You're ass looks like an old washing machine these days." She ignores him. That evening in bed the husband is getting frisky and nudges his wife. She rolls over and says "I'm not starting up this old washing machine for that small load, you're going to do it by hand".

The Elusive Midget Nun

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.

The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?

The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.

The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.

The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.

With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you screwed a penguin!

A Sherlock Holmes Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner , they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute. Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.

Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

anyone interested in a good Sherlock Holmes joke?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip...

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies
Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute.

Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!
he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench....

... A young boy walks by and the priest nudges the rabbi and says "Hey do you wanna fuck him?" and the rabbi says "Out of what?"

Sherlock and Watson go camping

One night, Sherlock and Watson go camping. They do the usual things like build a campfire, drink, and roast marshmallows before they call it a night and go to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes up and nudges Watson awake. He turns to Watson and asks if he sees the stars. Watson says yes and Sherlock asks him what he thinks that means. Watson says the usual things like how there's millions of stars out there and the clear sky means good weather for tomorrow. Sherlock looks at him and says "I think it means some bastard stole our tent!"

What does it tell you, Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.

And what do you deduce from that?

Watson ponders for a minute. Well,


Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment.

Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!

A priest and a rabbi are sitting outside

When a little boy walks by. The priest nudges the rabbi and says
"Let's grab that little boy and fuck him!"
The rabbi thinks for a minutes and says
"Fuck him out of what?"

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking along the road....

....and they see a boy approach. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey lets screw this kid." The rabbi scratches his beard and replies "out of what?"

Trump at the Olympics

Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.

"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."

An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."

Man and wife visit the super bull farm.

They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly.
They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. He is a beast! This one, the manager explains proudly can do the business every other day without fail.
Wow.. Says the wife, with sideways look at her husband .. I'm very impressed.
Then the manager shows them Rocky, the triple gold medal bull. Rocky here, he says patting the muscular rump of a steaming hot stomping beast, is a every single day boy.. 365 copulations a year.
The wife looks at her sulking husband. Now that's what I call a super stud!
Yes.. he says, scratching his chin,
but I bet Rocky here doesn't have to sleep with the same old cow every night.

A priest and a rabbi....

are walking down the street. They see a cute little boy coming towards them and the priest nudges the Rabbi and says "Hey, let's go f**K that little boy". The rabbi replies "outta vut"

Two old Irishmen

are sitting on their porch watching the people walk by. One nudges the other and points to the Rabbi going into the brothel up the street. Such a tragedy to see a religious leader leading such a sinful life! he exclaims.

After a while they watch the Protestant pastor also going into the same house. There's another man of the cloth succumbing to the sins of the flesh!

More time passes before the Catholic priest comes along and follows the same path. Both men sadly remove their caps. Tis a sad thing, one of the poor lasses needs last rites.

A daughter takes her new boyfriend home to meet her parents

Her dad asks, "so, what do you do?"

The boyfriend says, "Im training in Madrid as a goalie. I'm hoping to work my way into the first team next season!"

The dad winks at his daughter, nudges her on the arm and says, "watch out for this one, he's gonna be a real keeper"

Toll Joke my buddy made up.

A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says " Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. " the young new worker looks at his predecessor like he's crazy. As the car pulls up, the driver is furiously digging for change. "I am so sorry! All I have is 73 cents!" The driver exclaimed. The Veteran nods him through anyway and then turns to the incredulous newbie and says "Toll jew"

A priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground.

The priest sees a little boy playing on a swing. He nudges the rabbi and says hey, let's go over there and screw that kid! The rabbi looks at the kid and says out of what?

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street.

The priest see an eight-year-old boy walking towards him and nudges the rabbi.

"Check him out!. We should fuck him"

The rabbi says "Out of what?"

Easy For You

A man isn't feeling well. He goes to the doctor, who gives him a checkup and then says "I don't know how to break the news to you, but you have a incurable, fatal condition and you have less 24 hours to live!"
The man goes home and explains to wife about his condition. The have dinner, spend their usual evening at home, and then go to bed. Sometime after midnight, he nudges his wife and wakes her.
"Honey," he says. "These are my last few hours on earth and I can't sleep. What the hell, let's just make love all night!"
"That's easy for you to say," says his wife. "You don't have to get up in the morning!"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip...

and in the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson awake. He says "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."

Watson says "well, I see the stars, and that makes me think about our place in the universe. In the face of such cosmic vastness, aren't we really just insignificant? And what of life on other planets? In all the universe, ours can surely not be the only planet to support living beings. Perhaps one day we shall be able to reach the stars and find out for ourselves. Why do you ask, Sherlock? What do you think of when you look up?"

Sherlock replies: "somebody stole our tent".

A conspiracy theorist turns to his friend, nudges him and asks, "Hey, did you hear about 7/11?"

"...I heard it was a part-time job."

A scollop is on his ipad sitting next to his dad.

The dad scollap nudges the son scollap and says

" stop looking at prawn"

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter

Pirate Captain is strutten through the club a patch on each eye a puffy shirt and a stuffed toy kitten hanging from his ear. One guy nudges his mate and says "check ouwt this faggort Dwayne".
Pirate Captain turns and shouts "OI!!! I MAY BE BLIND BUT I HAVE ACUTE EARING"

Easy For You

A man isn't feeling well. He goes to the doctor, who gives him a check-up and then says "I don't know how to break the news to you, but you have an incurable, fatal condition and you have less than 24 hours to live!"
The man goes home and explains to his wife about his condition. They have dinner, spend their usual evening at home, and then go to bed.
Some time after midnight, he nudges his wife and wakes her.
"Honey," he says. "These are my last few hours on earth and I can't sleep. What the hell, let's just make love all night!"
"That's easy for you to say," says his wife. "You don't have to get up in the morning!"

two men walking

Two men are walking down the street when they come upon a dog licking his balls. One man nudges the other and says "I wish I could do that!" The other man says "You better pet him first"

What are the funniest nudges jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Nudges? Well, here are the best Nudges puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Nudges pick up lines to share with friends.

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