Nsfw Jokes

What are some Nsfw jokes?

Handjobs



A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian

1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...

Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.

Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."

The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."

The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

A NSFW tag.

nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW

If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.

[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

What's the best way to attract a pervert?

The NSFW tag, you freak

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!

How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW

Dress her up as an altar boy.

[NSFW] I like to wait outside hospitals

Because I like my MILFs fresh.

A five year old told me this joke.. [NSFW]

Was at a cafe when this little kid walks up to me:

"What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?"

"I dunno"

"....... When you pull your meat out of the refrigerator it doesn't make a *pffffffffft* sound."

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW

Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.

"I have five penises."

"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"

"Like a glove!"

[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when

she fell onto the floor.

She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

I feel bad for Pedophiles

They have such a hard time fitting in. (NSFW with imagination)

People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"

Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"

NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22......

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

An employee texts his boss "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?" (Slightly nsfw)

His boss answers "I don't know."

The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

Fast and Furious [NSFW]

I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident.

I guess next time I should be the one driving.

[nsfw] What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck

(NSFW) What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

How do you get a fool to read something?

Mark it as NSFW

[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."

NSFW When I was 17, my mom caught me masturbating

She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.

When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"

I said "I'm over here Dad"

(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

Olympic condoms (nsfw)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. [NSFW]

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his goods, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'

My girlfriend told me she enjoys sex on vacation so much more #NSFW

It was the worst postcard I've ever gotten

A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW)

A man walks into a bar with a monkey.

The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?"

The man replies "watch this!"
The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him.

"Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender.

"You wanna try?" asks the man.

The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."

A kid surprises his father on the couch...

- Dad!! What are you doing??
- Son, this is called masturbation, and you will soon do it as well.
- Yikes!! Why would I do that???
- Because my hand is getting tired.

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

NSFW 16 year old boy comes back home from a party strutting and with a huge grin on his face.

His dad sees this and comments: "Well, looks like someone had a good time tonight."
The kid replies: "You could say that - I just lost my virginity tonight!"
Dad, bursting with pride at his little man, says: "Well come on over, sit next to your ole' dad and tell me about it."
The kid falls silent for a moment and says: "I... can't sit."

After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW]

Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones?

Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones?

[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

What's a Hogwarts student's favourite boy band? [NSFW]

Wand Erection.

[NSFW] a man and a woman are having sex

A man and a woman are having sex and suddenly he stops moving and after a minute he continues. The woman asks "Honey, what was that?" The man explains: "This is a new technique I learned on the Internet: it's called buffering."

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

Just heard this on the radio. May the censors have mercy on their soul. [NSFW]

On a Sunday school, the teacher asks the class: "Class, what body party goes to heaven first?"

One kid answers, "It's the feet!"

"Why is it the feet?" the confused teacher asks.

The kid replies, "Because last night I found Mommy with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God yes...heaven...I'm coming!' "

I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex.

"Dad, dad! What are they doing!?"
"Well son, they are making a puppy."
Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex.
"Dad, dad! What are you doing?"
"We're making a baby!"
"Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"

What does a necrophiliac get when he wakes up at the morgue? NSFW

Mourning wood.

I'm sorry.

[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

NSFW What do you say when you meet a German virgin for the first time?

Guden Tight

An old woman walked into a dentist's office (mild NSFW)

took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''


''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Wife spices things up!

A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"'cuz there's Bush and there's Gore."

[OC] NSFW

[NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down

Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =(

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle wakes up last and says, "Boy, I'm really excited to hit the slopes. Last night I had the most realistic dream that I was skiing!"

Moore doesn't care that he lost tonight NSFW

word on the street is he prefers to come in a little behind.

So I met a Jewish girl at the bar last night...

She asked me for my number so I wrote it on her arm. Haven't heard from her since...

[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a Fridge?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.

Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.

Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

How to make Nsfw jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Nsfw to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Nsfw? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Nsfw pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes