nsfw Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nsfw puns

Handjobs



A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

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Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis (NSFW)

That priest is in jail now

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A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

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[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

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I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. [NSFW]

Just to let her know I was thinking of her.

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a huge bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

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A family walks into a hotel... NSFW

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

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[NSFW] Yesterday I gave a surprise bukkake party to my roommate...

...everyone came.

You should have seen her face.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.... [NSFW]

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

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(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

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Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what color are you going to wear tonight?"



" - Gold, obviously!"



" - Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."

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[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

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A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says,

"hey, make it an even ten. On the house."

The man shakes his head,

"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."

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The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

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Dirty limericks? GO! [NSFW]

There once was a girl named Alice

Who used dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina in South Carolina

And bits of her tits in Dallas

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[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

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Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.

"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.

"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."

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I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.

We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time

My best ever score.

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New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

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What does smoking a cigarette and eating a pussy have in common? [NSFW]

The flavor gets stronger as you get closer to the butt.

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[NSFW] The Penguin

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.

"What can I get for 5 bucks?

"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."

Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.

The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"

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What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms. [NSFW]

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

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My girlfriend has a poop fetish NSFW

I always give her shit for it

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Halloween Party (NSFW)

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.

"A fireman" he replies

"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says

"Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"

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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"




you dumb cunt.

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Truth or Dare


My daughter invited some friends round at the weekend. After a few drinks, they got a game of Truth or Dare going. I listened from the other room, being the nosey little fucker I am.

The bottle landed on my daughter and she said, "Truth."

"Ok," asked her friend. "When did you last have an orgasm?"

She said, "Three days ago."

Then I burst in the room and said, "I knew you were faking it last night!"

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My boyfriend asked for a nude pic (NSFW)

My boyfriend asked for a naked picture.
I asked him if he wanted to see tits or ass.
He responded "surprise me"

So I sent him a picture of my dick

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Why are gay men so mean? NSFW

Because they're all fucking assholes.

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The librarian NSFW

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" 

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."


"Yeah that's the one"

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What are the best Nsfw jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nsfw? Well, here are the best Nsfw dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nsfw pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes