Nowadays Jokes
109 nowadays jokes and hilarious nowadays puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nowadays that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nowadays Short Jokes
Short nowadays jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nowadays humour may include short modern day jokes also.
- Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance. But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
- I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspaper are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance. - 100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned
- It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays... ...they seem to be a dying breed
- I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink. Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
- Nowadays with internet in some prisons.. ..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?
- Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm
- Everything has to be politically correct nowadays.. Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'
- I named my first son Ready On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."
- I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere
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Nowadays One Liners
Which nowadays one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nowadays? I can suggest the ones about present time and recently.
- Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace. A piece of ukraine.
- I can't tell if this fish is lying ..... They're so koi nowadays!
- From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays All the kids are doing it.
- Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays? Inflation
- Everyone nowadays is talking about coming out, i prefer coming in.
- Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays? It's called the Srirachachacha
- People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays... But everyone I know has a Mac
- I like my humor like the majority of the NBA nowadays Fast and dark.
- Nowadays, kids act like they got it made growing up with 4k. Pffffftttt... I had 56k.
- The most popular science show in US nowaday Dee Nial the anti-science guy.
- Kids nowadays only want two things... Wifi and Wifus.
- Where is Fort Minor nowadays? Does anyone remember their names?
- I used to be afraid of flying in planes But nowadays I insist on one.
- Why is the pope so serious nowadays? Because he does not kid around.
- So they've started planting trees actively nowadays. Well that's a releaf
Quirky and Hilarious Nowadays Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about nowadays you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean everyday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nowadays pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...
I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays
When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"
I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."
Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."
I'm tired of chasing after the girls nowadays...
They're all so demanding now. 10 years ago candies worked just fine.
Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection
We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...
I don't agree with all the critics towards priests nowadays.
They are actually the only ones who slow down with their car when near a school.
A friend convinces a jew to donate to charity...
The friend sees the jew put an envelope in the donation box and asks him
"How much money did you put in there?"
The jew replies "Money? Are envelopes really worth nothing nowadays?"
Always been a race fan
Boy, they're really pulling out all the stops at the Tour de France nowadays.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's with girls having weird names nowadays?
I recently slept with a girl and after s**... she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.
What is ISIS's favorite smartphone?
Samsung Note 7 , according to them it's "the bomb" nowadays.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...
But she just screamed at me as she got s**... out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.
I don't really see many white people in London nowadays
Mainly because I've never been to London, though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Society is so PC nowadays, you can't even say "h**... h**... h**..."
You have to say "Jessica, Patricia, and Michaela"
How to be depressed
Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800
Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays.
Everything is so political nowadays
I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore.
Oy! Everyone's a comedian nowadays!
Personally my favourite of the Watchmen is Rorshach, but each to their own I s'pose.
Winston Churchill said, "History will be kind me, for I intend to write it."
Nowadays, history will be kind to me because I intend to delete it.
My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's...
Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.
Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.
And that's just to get the remote.
Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...
No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People are so sensitive nowadays that you can't say "Could you paint the fence black?"
Now you have to say "Jamal, would you kindly paint the fence?"
People are always saying they want a white Christmas...
But nowadays there are snowflakes everywhere.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nowadays almost all games have lots of transgender midgets having s**....
Micro Trans-actions.
I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"
Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?
Pawnshop wisdom
I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.
"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.
"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin."
Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government.
Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.
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Carl Lewis goes to a golf club
The doorman stops him and says, sorry mate, no b**....
Carl says, "What?"
The doorman has to concede, "Yeah sorry mate, it's a bit unconventional nowadays but this is an all white golf club. But there is another Golf Club about 10 minutes down the road..."Carl: "But I'm Carl Lewis" Doorman: "Alright, 5 minutes down the road then"
What do we want? A thesaurus!
When do we want it?
Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rocket scientist..
Nowadays, I just sell w**....
It's not too far off, though. I still get people very high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....
What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a n**... guy in a waffle house at 3am?
Nowadays everyone has their own opinion on lesbian relationships. I have my own opinion as well. How do I see them?
In 1080p
When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...
You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.
I've finally figured out why anti-vaxxers are so prominent in today's society.
Nowadays, everyone is just hoping to go viral.
It's crazy to think that people would break into houses by swiping their credit card.
Nowadays, you have to use the chip to break in.
It's weird watching reruns of The Flintstones nowadays...
with their stone age drive-in movies and their caveman bowling... it just seems so... dated.
An old woman goes to a clinic
She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman's test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she's pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
Sweet lord, you can't even trust a cucumber nowadays
You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays...
Amazon is a Prime example.
Everything is all about getting behind the PC movement nowadays
Unless you're Rockstar
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Not sure if this has been done before but oh well
Everybody is getting so politically correct nowadays you can't even say black, paint. You have to say Tyrone paint that wall.
You have to be careful nowadays while walking alone
Earlier today, some guy pulled a scissors on me.
I'm glad I was agile enough to pull a rock from my pocket. If I pulled out paper, I would've lost.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So many double standards between men and women nowadays.
When women have s**... with men a lot,they get called w**.... When I do it I get called gay
People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.
If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"
A Lot of Jokes Are Often Lame Nowadays.
Doesn't take a blind man to see it, or a deaf man to hear it. Jokes nowadays just can't stand on their own.
Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...
2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!
Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
I'm confused on what you need to enter a store or restaurant nowadays....
... is it a face mask or a brick?
There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope
Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.
Nowadays there's too many musical instruments
It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV
A dude on the street yelled that it's allowed to be LGBTQ nowadays and said it was 100% true
A man walked by and said:
"You're not spitting straight facts, that's for sure"
The only thing I can take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips...
... and even that I take with a pinch of salt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?
We kicked their a**... in WW2 we can do it again
A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence
One of the student raises his hand and says: My big brother is really depressed nowadays
The teacher asks: why ?
The kid goes: he broke up with his girlfriend
So the teacher asks the student and how is this relevant?
He says: Harassment a lot to him
Hard to find good help nowadays
A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient
Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do companies prefer gay people over straight ones now-a-days?
Because gay people have prior expertise in working their a**... off.
Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar
...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..
Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.
In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.
Nowadays, Depend's
Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.
I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.
I used to be a stalker
I'm not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.
"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?
I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.
