nowadays Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nowadays puns

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

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What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

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100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

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I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper

She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad

That fly didn't stand a chance

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Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.

A piece of Ukraine.

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Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."

Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

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why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

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I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

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I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She kindly told me that newspapers are old school. Then she said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

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Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

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My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

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I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

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Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days?

Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES!

This can be taken in two ways and both are correct.

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Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

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They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

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For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

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Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"

As always, I was impressed...

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

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Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

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I asked my daughter if she had seen newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn't stand a chance.

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I named my first son Ready

On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."

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Old men and young women

Two elderly gentlemen were talking together.

"I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why, just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."

"Well," his friend said, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."

"But great googly-moogly, man! I'm so much older than she!"

"Oh. Well, maybe she's attracted to the fatherly type."

"No, I don't think so. She also mentioned something about 'Carbon 14.'"

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When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

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What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?

Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.

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Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'

One fine day, one of her nephews has a great idea; he invites a mathematician who lives a few blocks away to try and convince Aunt Bessie with numbers..

*"....and hence, Aunt Bessie, the chance of someone carrying a bomb in your plane is literally one in a million!"*, proves the mathematician.

*"Really?....and what would you say are the chances of...2 persons carrying a bomb in a plane?"*, she asks, curiously...

*"That would be less than one in a billion! C'mon, Aunt Bessie...you should go!"*

*"Huh...fine...I'll go!"*, relents Aunt Bessie, and from that day onwards, she merrily goes to all her nieces and nephews all over the world, with a bomb in her bag.

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A little girl asks her grandpa..

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"

"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

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I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...

But she just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

Get over here! What's your name sailor?

John, the new seaman replied.

Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name, the chief scowled. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?

Aye, Aye Chief!

Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?

The seaman sighed. Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.

Okay, John, here's what I want you to do …..

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Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

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I told my daughter to give me my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school, and people nowadays use tablets, so she gave me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance

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The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, where the asshole trying to expel shit.

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Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

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I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

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When I was a kid I could go to a corner store with a $1 and get 2 cokes, 1 kitkat and a gum

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere

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What are the most funny Nowadays jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nowadays? Well, here are the best Nowadays dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nowadays pick up lines to share with friends.

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