Nowadays Jokes

What are some Nowadays jokes?

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper

She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad

That fly didn't stand a chance

Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.

A piece of Ukraine.

Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint."

Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."

People are so sensitive now-a-days.

People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can't even say black paint. Instead you gotta say, Jamal, will you please paint the fence?

why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

Very few people can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

I named my first son Ready

On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."

Old men and young women

Two elderly gentlemen were talking together.

"I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why, just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."

"Well," his friend said, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."

"But great googly-moogly, man! I'm so much older than she!"

"Oh. Well, maybe she's attracted to the fatherly type."

"No, I don't think so. She also mentioned something about 'Carbon 14.'"

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

Studies show that 9 out of 10 men struggle with erectile dysfunction

I think that's crazy. Men nowadays are just getting soft

What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?

Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.

A little girl asks her grandpa..

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"

"Yes," the grandpa replied.

"Did God make you too?"

"Yes," the grandpa said.

"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'

One fine day, one of her nephews has a great idea; he invites a mathematician who lives a few blocks away to try and convince Aunt Bessie with numbers..

*"....and hence, Aunt Bessie, the chance of someone carrying a bomb in your plane is literally one in a million!"*, proves the mathematician.

*"Really?....and what would you say are the chances of...2 persons carrying a bomb in a plane?"*, she asks, curiously...

*"That would be less than one in a billion! C'mon, Aunt Bessie...you should go!"*

*"Huh...fine...I'll go!"*, relents Aunt Bessie, and from that day onwards, she merrily goes to all her nieces and nephews all over the world, with a bomb in her bag.

I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...

But she just screamed at me as she got sucked out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

So many double standards between men and women nowadays.

When women have sex with men a lot,they get called whores. When I do it I get called gay

Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

When I was a kid I could go to a corner store with a $1 and get 2 cokes, 1 kitkat and a gum

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere

My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's...

Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.

Everyone is so sensitive and everything has to be completely politically correct nowadays, you can't even say 'black paint'.

You have to say "Tyrone, could you please paint the wall?"

I don't really see many white people in London nowadays

Mainly because I've never been to London, though.

People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays

All the kids are doing it.

I've finally figured out why anti-vaxxers are so prominent in today's society.

Nowadays, everyone is just hoping to go viral.

What is ISIS's favorite smartphone?

Samsung Note 7 , according to them it's "the bomb" nowadays.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

Nowadays, the Twin Towers are like the genders.

They used to be two, now it's a sensitive matter.

A father takes his son on a fishing trip

On their tiny boat, Little Tommy realises that that the floor is covered in a mess of different nets. He looks up to dad and asks, "Dad, why do we need so many kinds of nets?"

Dad smiles gently and looks into his young son's eyes.

"Back in my day, when I went fishing with my own dad we only needed one net! Nowadays, we need one specifically for trout, herring, bass and all the different kinds of fish!"

Little Tommy listens yet is still confused and tugs on his father's cargo pants

"But what changed Daddy?"

Dad pats the top of Little Tommy's head and sighs

"Nets became prejudiced to the type of fish they caught."

"There's no Net Neutrality now."

Throughout my life, I've alwways loathed elevators

Nowadays I'm taking steps to avoid them

What do you call grammar nazis nowadays?

Alt-writes

Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays?

Inflation

A friend convinces a jew to donate to charity...

The friend sees the jew put an envelope in the donation box and asks him

"How much money did you put in there?"

The jew replies "Money? Are envelopes really worth nothing nowadays?"

Nowadays almost all games have lots of transgender midgets having sex.

Micro Trans-actions.

You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays...

Amazon is a Prime example.

Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays?

It's called the Srirachachacha

Everyone nowadays is talking about coming out,

i prefer coming in.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rocket scientist..

Nowadays, I just sell weed.
It's not too far off, though. I still get people very high.

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin."

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

Everything is so political nowadays

I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore.

Winston Churchill said, "History will be kind me, for I intend to write it."

Nowadays, history will be kind to me because I intend to delete it.

People are so sensitive nowadays that you can't say "Could you paint the fence black?"

Now you have to say "Jamal, would you kindly paint the fence?"

Things now-a-days are made for looks, not function...

Especially women.

My grandfather told me my generation is too dependant on technology now-a-days.

I told the doctor to pull his plug.

When I was a kid, you could go into a corner shop with $1 and come out with 2 cokes, 3 Freedos and a magazine.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman's test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she's pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
Sweet lord, you can't even trust a cucumber nowadays

Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...

No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."

Society is so PC nowadays, you can't even say "Ho ho ho"

You have to say "Jessica, Patricia, and Michaela"

People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays...

But everyone I know has a Mac

I don't agree with all the critics towards priests nowadays.

They are actually the only ones who slow down with their car when near a school.

Nowadays everyone has their own opinion on lesbian relationships. I have my own opinion as well. How do I see them?

In 1080p

Young Boy : Grandpa, tell me a story of your childhood

Old Man : Hmmm...when I was young, I could go to a store with 50 cents and get myself candy, toys, and bread.

YB : wow that must've been fantastic. What about now?

OM : Sigh, times have changed. Nowadays with those darn cameras everywhere in the store, its practically impossible to do so anymore.

How to be depressed

Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800

Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays.

Carl Lewis goes to a golf club

The doorman stops him and says, sorry mate, no blacks.

Carl says, "What?"

The doorman has to concede, "Yeah sorry mate, it's a bit unconventional nowadays but this is an all white golf club. But there is another Golf Club about 10 minutes down the road..."Carl: "But I'm Carl Lewis" Doorman: "Alright, 5 minutes down the road then"

We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....

What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a naked guy in a waffle house at 3am?

Grocery stores nowadays have amazing selection

We have powdered milk, powdered orange juice, powdered eggs, baby powder...

How to make Nowadays jokes?

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