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Nowadays Jokes

109 nowadays jokes and hilarious nowadays puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nowadays that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Nowadays Short Jokes

Short nowadays jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nowadays humour may include short modern day jokes also.

  1. Broke up with an ex years ago because she had a weird obsession with counting… I wonder what she's up to nowadays
  2. Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance. But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
  3. I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspaper are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
    That fly didn't stand a chance.
  4. 100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned
  5. Lance is not a common name nowadays. But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.
  6. I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
    That fly didn't stand a chance
  7. It's always weird to come across an anti-vaxxer nowadays... ...they seem to be a dying breed
  8. Everything's so politically correct nowadays that you can't even say "black paint." Instead you have to say "Jamaal please paint my fence."
  9. Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open. Particularly the ones on bikes.
  10. People are so sensitive now-a-days. People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can't even say black paint. Instead you gotta say, Jamal, will you please paint the fence?

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Nowadays One Liners

Which nowadays one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nowadays? I can suggest the ones about present time and recently.

  1. Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace. A piece of ukraine.
  2. why are balloon getting so expensive nowadays? inflation
  3. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.
  4. People are too judgmental nowadays. I can tell just by looking at them.
  5. I can't tell if this fish is lying ..... They're so koi nowadays!
  6. Whats with stairs now-a-days? I swear, their always up to something....
  7. From what I hear, puberty is the biggest trend nowadays All the kids are doing it.
  8. Why is it more expensive to use air pumps nowadays? Inflation
  9. Everyone nowadays is talking about coming out, i prefer coming in.
  10. Have you heard about the hottest dance moves nowadays? It's called the Srirachachacha
  11. Things now-a-days are made for looks, not function... Especially women.
  12. People are talking about how culture is too pc nowadays... But everyone I know has a Mac
  13. I like my humor like the majority of the NBA nowadays Fast and dark.
  14. Nowadays, kids act like they got it made growing up with 4k. Pffffftttt... I had 56k.
  15. The most popular science show in US nowaday Dee Nial the anti-science guy.

Nowadays joke, The most popular science show in US nowaday

Quirky and Hilarious Nowadays Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about nowadays you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean everyday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nowadays pranks.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

Very few people can brag about getting a h**... from their barber after a haircut nowadays.

Then again, very few people cut their own hair.

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

When I was a kid I could go to a corner store with a $1 and get 2 cokes, 1 kitkat and a gum

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere

A friend convinces a jew to donate to charity...

The friend sees the jew put an envelope in the donation box and asks him
"How much money did you put in there?"
The jew replies "Money? Are envelopes really worth nothing nowadays?"

A little girl asks her grandpa..

A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, "Did God make me?"
"Yes," the grandpa replied.
"Did God make you too?"
"Yes," the grandpa said.
"Well," the little girl said, looking at his wrinkles and thinning hair. "He sure is doing a better job nowadays!"

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after s**... she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

What is ISIS's favorite smartphone?

Samsung Note 7 , according to them it's "the bomb" nowadays.

I tried to be a gentleman to this pretty lady, so I held the door open for her...

But she just screamed at me as she got s**... out of the plane! Women are so ungrateful for nice guys nowadays.

I don't really see many white people in London nowadays

Mainly because I've never been to London, though.

I don't think it's correct to call them grammar n**... anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

I named my first son Ready

On his first birthday, I changed his name to Freddy. Nowadays, people ask him, "Are you ready, Freddy?" And he replies, "I was born Ready."

My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's...

Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays. Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing.

And that's just to get the remote.

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

Nowadays almost all games have lots of transgender midgets having s**....

Micro Trans-actions.

I don't trust people when they say "nowadays you can get anything, anywhere!"

Because, how come my father is taking 10 years to find cigarettes?

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.
"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.
"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin."

I'm sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

Y'know, communism is definitely the best system of government.

Nowadays it costs one hundred dollars just to go camping for a night. In the Soviet Union you could go to camp forever, and it was free.

Everything has to be politically correct nowadays..

Back in the day you could say black paint, nowadays you have to say 'Jerome, please paint the fence.'

What do we want? A thesaurus!

When do we want it?
Straightaway, forthwith, directly, immediately, instantly, away, first off, momentarily, on the double, promptly, pronto, right away, shortly, today, nowadays, PDQ, at once, at the moment, at this time.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rocket scientist..

Nowadays, I just sell w**....
It's not too far off, though. I still get people very high.

What do you call grammar n**... nowadays?

Alt-writes

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

I've finally figured out why anti-vaxxers are so prominent in today's society.

Nowadays, everyone is just hoping to go viral.

Throughout my life, I've alwways loathed elevators

Nowadays I'm taking steps to avoid them

Plastic surgery used to be such a t**... subject...

Nowadays if you talk about Botox nobody raises an eyebrow.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

You know, online shopping services are really successful nowadays...

Amazon is a Prime example.

Nowadays, the Twin Towers are like the genders.

They used to be two, now it's a sensitive matter.

Everyone is so sensitive and everything has to be completely politically correct nowadays, you can't even say 'black paint'.

You have to say "Tyrone, could you please paint the wall?"

So many double standards between men and women nowadays.

When women have s**... with men a lot,they get called w**.... When I do it I get called gay

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

People could never make 'Blazing Saddles' nowadays.

If you gave the script to a movie studio, they'd say, "This is the script for 'Blazing Saddles,' why are you giving this to me?"

Studies show that 9 out of 10 men struggle with erectile dysfunction

I think that's crazy. Men nowadays are just getting soft

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."

I'm confused on what you need to enter a store or restaurant nowadays....

... is it a face mask or a brick?

There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope

Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.

Nowadays there's too many musical instruments

It seems today, that all you see is violins in movies and sax on TV

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

A dude on the street yelled that it's allowed to be LGBTQ nowadays and said it was 100% true

A man walked by and said:
"You're not spitting straight facts, that's for sure"

Remember the good old days when you can walk into a gas station with $1 and walk out with two bags of chips, beef jerky, and a drink?

Nowadays, there's cameras everywhere.

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk j**..., a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

The only thing I can take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips...

... and even that I take with a pinch of salt.

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their a**... in WW2 we can do it again

A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence

One of the student raises his hand and says: My big brother is really depressed nowadays
The teacher asks: why ?
The kid goes: he broke up with his girlfriend
So the teacher asks the student and how is this relevant?
He says: Harassment a lot to him

Hard to find good help nowadays

A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."

I remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a t**... subject..

..but nowadays when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient

Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender

Why do companies prefer gay people over straight ones now-a-days?

Because gay people have prior expertise in working their a**... off.

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..
Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

I used to shave my t**... with a straight razor.

Nowadays I lack the b**... to do so

In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.

Nowadays, Depend's

An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security cameras.

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

Ten years ago today, Gotye released his big hit.

I don't hear anything about him at all nowadays. Now he's just Somebody That I Used to Know.

I used to be a stalker

I'm not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

Nowadays kids have it so easy. When I was their age, I had nothing but $3 in my pocket. So, what did I do?

I bought a house, started a family, and put the remaining 75 cents into a savings account for emergencies.

There used to be no treatment for those uncontrollable urges as a kleptomaniac...

...nowadays, you can just take something for it.

Husband: It says here, that over 5,000 camels are used to make paintbrushes each year.

Wife: Isn't it amazing what they can teach camels to do nowadays.

Grandpa:

"Back in the day, you could walk into a grocery store with $ 2 and leave with a full shopping cart. But nowadays they have security cameras everywhere!"

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion

yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel

Pill commercials nowadays be like

After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!
Consult a doctor if you're experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine

Nowadays joke, Pill commercials nowadays be like

jokes about nowadays