notices Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious notices puns

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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A husband notices his wife's hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

I can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age he says to the doc.

There's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing explains the doctor. Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does .

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing .

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

What's for dinner honey?

No answer. He moves closer.

What's for dinner honey?

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

What's for dinner honey?

Still his wife doesn't answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

What's for dinner honey?

FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN

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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar

"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf"
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before

"Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman
Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"




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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.

"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."

"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"

"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."

"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"

"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"

"Pop." Goes the weasel.

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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A Nazi goes to a bar....

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"

Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

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A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Nazi goes to a bar...

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

"Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf".

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

"Is that Jew an idiot or what?"

Bartender responds: "Oh no my friend, that's the owner."

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?

The pirate says, Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.

Well, what about your peg leg? Says the man

Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.

Well, what about your patch eye?

Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the poop deck and a seagull pooped in me eye!

A seagull pooped in your eye? That can't take an eye out.

Arrr, but you've got to remember, it was the first day with the hook.

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

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So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

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Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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I think you are the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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A couple take their son to the circus....

After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's penis". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman....."

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A woman is in a coma

and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says 'come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.' so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ' i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.' so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, 'I don't know, I think that she started choking.'Β 

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A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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A lady walks into a bar…

She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing. The frog just sits there. The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, "I'm only going to show you one more time!"

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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.

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A boy loses an eye

A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn't make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.

One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a harelip. He figures they can relate to each other and perhaps become friends. They get to know each other and the boy gets to the point where he musters the courage to ask the girl on a date.

The girl is so excited and happy she can hardly believe it. "Would I? WOULD I?", she exclaims. The boy, crushed by this, screams back, "HARELIP! HARELIP!!!"

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Stripper from the bachelor party

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .

And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for a little privacy. The nurse leaves, but after a few minutes she hears a horrible clatter followed by the woman flat-lining. The nurse runs in and yells,
"What the hell happened?"
The husband replied, "I don't know! I think she choked!"

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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

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If there is an elephant in the room and nobody notices

is it irrelephant?

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James Bond is at a bar chatting it up with a beautiful young woman...

The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

"Are you running late?" she asks.

Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

"Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing panties."

Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Halloween Party (NSFW)

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.

"A fireman" he replies

"Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says

"Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"

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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos...

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

"What's that thing?" she asks.

"Oh, this?" he says, "It's just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient."

"Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient!" she exclaims, "I might have to get myself one of those!"

"Yep, I definitely recommend it."

And they go about the rest of the day.

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary's desk.

"Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!" he says.

"Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold." She's beaming.

He grins back. "Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?"

"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."

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Two old men playing golf

Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a funeral procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his ball, removes his cap, and bows his head in silence as the procession passes by.

The other old man is amazed at his friend's reverence for the deceased. "That was truly one of the most touching and thoughtful acts I've ever seen from you." he says.

"Well I figure it's the least I could do. After all, we *were* married for 42 years"

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A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

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The Art Collector [Clean]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat.
Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"

"No my son. Why would you ask that?"

"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."

"Oh my son, that's just holy water."

"OK father. So why is it in a bag?"

"Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays."

"Mind if I take a sip?"

"Not at all my son."

As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...

"Father, this is wine."

The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

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A millionaire enters the town of Klon.

Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner.

"How much to own this place?" He asks.

The owner responds: "not for sale, I've got customers waiting."

The millionaire, not wanting to miss an investment, grabs the owners arm as he turns to go and says "wait, I'll do anything to own this place!"

The owner turns back to him slowly and says... "What would you do for a Klon Dyke-bar?"

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Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

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22 mph speed limit

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."

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A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man watches her vagina make a kiss movement and is severely impressed.
"Look, I can make it wink" she says, and the man is surprised and even more impressed.
"Come sit next to me" and so the man does.
"Do you want to stick a few fingers in there?"
Stunned, the man replies "My God, that thing can whistle too?"

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Four men are watching a juggler...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ­."
"Ja."

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The Hitchhiker

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the Native man in, offering him a ride home.

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eying the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."

The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies

"Good trade."

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Do I Know You?

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me? To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids! Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? She looks into his eyes and says calmly, No, I'm your son's teacher.

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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

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a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

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A man was in a bar.

A man was in a bar when an ugly girl came up to him, squeeze his ass and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

"Do you have a pen?", he asked.

"Yes.", she answered.

The man shot back, "Well, then you had better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing."

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A cowboy is sitting in a saloon...

when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, "Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I'm going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside... or else I'm going to have to do what I did back in El Paso... and I don't want to have to do what I did back in El Paso.

So he gets up, heads off to the toilet and when he returned, sure enough, his horse was tied up outside right where he had left it. As he was saddling up some of the people from inside the bar came out, "Hey, stranger. What was it you did in El Paso that you didn't want to do again?"

"I walked home."

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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman responds, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

She asks, "What"s it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:



$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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A pirate walks into a bar one day...

...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."

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An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn't speeding but she was going a lot slower than the speed limit.

She responds I was going the exact speed limit 22 MPH.

He laughs and says the that was the route number and not the speed limit.

The women smiled out of embarrassment and thanked the officer.

Just before the officer walked off he asked if everyone is ok in the car.

The women responds, They will be in a minute. We just got off route 119.

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A wheelchair user rides towards a bar.

On his way in he notices a man stood by the door smoking a cig.

The wheelchair user looks at the smoker and says "you do know that there is no reason for doing that at all. It won't make you feel better. It won't help you to fit in. It won't make you look cool."

"Really" says the smoker. "So why the fuck are you wearing those Nike sneakers?"

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An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.

"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number. I looked at her said, Have you got a pen. She said, I sure do." I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.

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5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."

"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."

Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."

"That's a great idea!" says the driver.

A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.

"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.

"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"

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Got a pen?

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

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An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on the carpet, and pissed in the flower pot. And when mom tried to take off your clothes to put you to bed, you said - leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

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A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

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A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

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A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

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How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old heifer (a woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do." I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

My dental surgery is this Friday.

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C, Eb, and G walk into a "bar"

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors" So E-Flat leaves and C and G have an open 5th between them.

After a few drinks the 5th is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,*Excuse me, I'll just be a second"

An A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced this realtive of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and excalims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in the bar tonight." The E-Flat is not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender who used to have a nice coporate job until his company downsized, says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case as the E-Flat takes off the suit and everything else and stands there au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror he is under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrong doing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

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A man named Jimmy walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender "what are those people standing over there for?"

The bartender replies, "oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free."

Jimmy responds "Wow, what an interesting system. You know what would make it a lot better?"

"What's that?" Asks the bartender

"If there was a punchline"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A billionaire goes for a drive

... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."

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There's a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He's baffled and yells down 'WHAT are you doing?!'

The elephant nonchalantly replies 'I'm just coming up to eat oranges'. The squirrel snorts and shouts back 'you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!'

The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back 'WELL I BROUGHT MY OWN FUCKING ORANGES!'

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My favourite penguin joke

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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The double flavored apple store

A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.

While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the man walks inside to check it out.

He walks up to the storekeeper behind the counter and he begins to ask him about his product.

"I've never heard of double flavored apples, how can there be such a thing?" he asks.

The storekeeper replies, "They are exactly as advertised, good sir. My specialty! Think of any combination of flavors, and we have an apple for it!"

Still skeptical, the man asks for a sample. "I must try one before I can believe you" he says.

The storekeeper is happy to oblige, and hands him a carefully selected apple from behind the counter. The man takes a bite.

"Peaches!" he exclaims. "I definitely didn't expect that."

The storekeeper then smiles and says "That's only the half of it. Now flip it over and take another bite."

So the man flips it over and takes another bite, and his eyes widen. "Tastes like cream! Peaches and cream! This is brilliant! Are you telling me that every apple in this store is flavored like this?"

The storekeeper is now very pleased. He hands the man another apple and tells him to take another bite.

"Strawberries!" The man is now speechless.

The storekeeper says "Now flip it over."

"Chocolate! Chocolate covered strawberries! This is the most amazing thing ever!"

The storekeeper says "We have all kinds of flavors here. Anything you want, we've got it!"

Still baffled and a little unsure, the man asks "Any flavor I want? Are you certain about this?"

The storekeeper confidently replies "Yessir! Anything you can think of, we've got it!"

"Anything??"

"Yes! Just try me."

The man then thinks really hard for a moment, and comes up with something. He says "Well, there's one thing I haven't tasted in a very, very long time. I would really like to taste some good pussy again. If you can get me one that tastes like some really good pussy, I'll finally believe you."

The storekeeper is now delighted, and says "Ah, sir, you're in luck! I have just the thing for you! Wait here." Then, he goes into the back room. Minutes later, he comes out with a perfectly shaped, shiny red apple. "Here," he says excitedly, "try this!"

Equally delighted, the man takes the apple, and takes a large bite. He chews it slowly for a moment, but his face quickly turns sour and spits the apple out in disgust.

"Shit!! This apple tastes like total shit! What the hell is this you gave me??"

The storekeeper then says, "Ah, now flip it over..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A fisherman comes home to his wife

A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.

After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."

The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"

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A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Look at the goat outside. All of them are white, except for the one black one."

The chief leans into the missionary's ear and whispers,

"I'll let you off the hook this time, but you keep quiet about goat, okay?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,

"Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A slip of the tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

Trump replies: " We're going to kill 14 million muslims and a dentist"

"Huh, why are you killing a dentist?"

Pence taps Trump on the back: "See, I told you no one would ask about the muslims"

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A man walks into a bar ...

He goes straight to the bar and asks the barmaid for a beer which she begins to pour, while he's waiting he notices their small food menu to the side:

Cheese Sandwich Β£5

Ham Sandwich Β£5

Handjob Β£5

In disbelief he looks up at the barmaid who is absolutely gorgeous and asks "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?", "Yep" she replies with a smile. He checks his wallet for the Β£5 and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

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A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants to know how the clock works, so the drunk grabs the sledge and hammers away at the plate, making a ton of noise.


Almost immediately, there's a voice: "IT'S THREE AM YOU FUCKING CUNT!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in intercourse, but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have sex.

Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have sex with this gorilla?"

The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."

"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"

The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."

"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"

Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man with a black eye takes his seat on a plane...

...where he notices the gentleman next to him also has a black eye.

"So how'd you get that black eye." he asks

"Well it was a slip of the tongue. I meant to ask the attractive woman at the desk for, "one ticket to Pittsburgh". Instead I asked for, "one picket to Titsburgh" and she punched me. What about you?"

"Mine was a slip of the tongue too. This morning at breakfast I meant to ask my wife, "honey please pass me the Cheerios". But instead it came out, "you ruined my life you stupid bitch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Not so funny now is it?

A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours and his dad behind her. The dad sees the boy in the doorway and shoots his son a thumbs up. The boy slams the door shut and runs downstairs.
The next day the dad comes home from work. He here's a strange sound coming from upstairs. As the dad goes upstairs he here's thud-thud-thud coming from his sons room. The dad flings open the door to his sons room and sees grandma on all fours and his son behind her!
The boy looks at his dad and says, "not so cool when it's your mom is it?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

He walks up to him and asks What's the matter old timer?

He says Well I've just been married about three months now... she's a young and beautiful little thing... 28 years old... she loves me. I get home every day and she just throws me in the bed and tears my clothes off and sucks me and fucks me and everything....

Confused, the guy says Well what are you crying about?!

He says I can't remember where I live!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Oversmart

A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very valuable.

So he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

But the store owner says to him, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.'

And the collector says, 'Please. I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch mice. I'll give you ten dollars for him.'

And the owner says, 'Sold,' and takes the ten dollars.

Then the collector says, 'Listen, I was wondering if, for the ten dollars, you might include that old saucer. The cat seems to be used to it. It'll save me a dish.'
And the owner says, 'Sorry, buddy. That's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight cats!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mexican goes to a Chinese restaurant...

He sits down at his table, and notices a small bottle of black liquid on his table. He picks it up and looks at the label and says, "yes, you are."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sneezing

A woman boards an airplane, and is seated next to a fairly unremarkable man. After she has sat down, she notices that he has a giant duffel bag stuffed with Kleenex sitting between his legs. Suddenly, the man appears as though he is about to sneeze. He breathes in sharply a few times, and quickly grabs a handful of tissues and stuffs them down his pants, before sneezing into another right after.

"Whatever was that for?" The woman asks, surprised.

"Well," the man says, "I have a rather unique condition. Whenever I sneeze, it triggers an instantaneous orgasm. I can't control it, so I just carry this around with me in case of emergency. I do have some medicine to help me, though."

"You poor man!" The woman exclaims, "What do you take for such a condition?"

The man replies, "Pepper!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.

She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is driving through the desert when he notices a sign.

The sign reads "Turn here to speak to the native American with the most incredible memory"

Curious, the man takes the turning. He comes across the native American man standing at the side of the road.

He approaches him and gives his best "How!"

The native American replies "How!"

"Is your memory really as good as the sign suggests?" asks the man.

"Try me" replies the native American.

"Okay, what did you have for breakfast on July 18th 1986?"

The native American thinks for a moment and then replies, "Eggs."

Amazed, the man thanks the native American and gets back in his car and continues his journey.

15 years later, he is travelling through the same desert and notices the same sign. Having forgotten all about the native American until seeing the sign, he decides to go ask another question.

Upon reaching the native American, he again gives his best "How!"

"Scrambled"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

That pig is a hero.

One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the house while we were sleeping."
Farmer 1: "oh, so it lost the leg in the fire?"
Farmer 2: "no, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old man was sitting on a bench...

When a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won't stop staring at him so says to him "What, you've never done anything fun in your life old man?" To which he calmly replies "Got drunk once, broke into the zoo and fucked a peacock, was just wondering if you were my son."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Jewish friend told me this one

Two Jewish guys are walking along when one notices a sign on a Catholic Church that says, "Convert to Christianity and we'll give you 100$." The one says "should we do it?" and the other guy says "NO! are you crazy?" The first guy replies, "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars.... I'm gonna do it!" So he walks in the church, and then a while later he comes back out. The friend says, "Well? Did you get the money?" Then the other says, "Oh is that all you people think about?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

New Earring

John is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Zach, is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

"Hey Zach" he yells out "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of it, ..it's only an
earring." Says Zach sheepishly.

"No really," probes John, "How long have you been wearing one?"

... "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy is in a bar looking slightly worse for wear... (NSFW)

...and the barman notices he looks pretty down and has been drinking quite heavily that night so he decides to ask him what's up.

The guy answers, "Well, I got home from work today to find my wife fucking my best friend."

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear that," says the barman, "that's terrible. What did you do?"

"I told my wife it was over, that I was going out for a couple of hours and when I get back she better be gone because I never want to see her again."

"Fuck," says the barman, sympathetically. "And what did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad dog!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guys walks into a bar...

...and sits down at the bar. He orders a whiskey and begins to drink. He looks up and notices a monkey.

"What's with the monkey?" he asks the barkeep.

"Well, watch this." The bartender pulls a stick from behind the bar and whacks the monkey. The monkey climbs down and gives the bartender a blowjob.

"Wanna give it a try?" the bartender asks the man.

"Sure. Just don't hit me so hard with stick!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An honest mistake.

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed.


"Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!!!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, It's golf balls.

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can't contain her curiosity any more and asks, Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Freudian Slip

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus. Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you terrible fucking bitch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says,
"Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs,
"Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and sticks the finger in her mouth to taste it and blurts out,
"It's not anybody from our building."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples' souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says, I want to be beautiful . God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man's turn he laughed and said, I wish all those people were ugly again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jamal and Billy are in Kindergarten.

One day, the class is learning addition. Billy quickly masters it, but Jamal has difficulty doing 2+2. Jamal goes home and asks his mom: "Mom, why is Billy so much better at addition than me?" His mom responds "It's because he's white and you're black." The next day, the class is learning the alphabet. Billy is able to recite the whole thing but Jamal can't get past the letter E. Jamal goes home and asks his mom: "Mom, why is Billy so much better with the alphabet than me?" His mom responds "It's because he's white and you're black." The next day, Jamal and Billy are in the bathroom and Jamal notices that Billy's penis is smaller than his. Jamal goes home and asks his mom "Mom, why is Billy's penis so much smaller than mine? Is it because he's white and I'm black?" His mom responds "No, Jamal, it's because he's six and you're eighteen."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?"
She stares at him and says, "No, I'm your daughters teacher!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the man who hit him is wearing a jersey from a rival sports team.

The man who caused the accident said, "Hey man, sorry about your car... And even though we represent different teams, I think this is a sign that we should put our differences beside us."

John replies, "I think you're right." He goes and checks his trunk and remarkably pulls out an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Amazing! How about a drink to celebrate our new friendship?"

The driver agrees and takes a few swigs of the whiskey. He passes the bottle back to John who promptly throws the bottle over the bridge and into the river below. "Oi! What did you do that for? Weren't you going to have some for yourself? What about our new friendship?"

John smirks. "Tell that to the cops when they show up."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



⚽⚽⚽
FIFA FEVER

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Mafia Don hires a deaf accountant.

He was pleased with himself for coming up with the idea; if the man could not hear, he would not be able to testify against the Don about what was said amongst him and his capos.

One day, after several months of working near this man, he notices the accountant acting nervous and fidgety. Suddenly wary, the Don decides to take a look at his books to see if any funny business is afoot. After poring over the material, he realizes that there is about 10 million dollars in cash that is unaccounted for!

The Don calls in the accountant immediately, along with his attorney, who happened to be fluent in sign language. He demands from the man, "I know you stole my money, and now you're going to tell me where it is."

Reading the Don's lips, panic and fear come over the accountant as he frantically signs back, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

The Don looks at his consigliere and is told, "The man says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Don shoots up from his chair, gun in hand, and levels the barrel right between the man's eyes. "You WILL tell me where the money is, or I'll blow your brains all over this room!!"

Terrified, the accountant signs "Okay! Okay! It's buried in the garden behind my mother's house, under the kitchen window."

The Don asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say??"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

a woman walks into a shoe store

she goes to a clerk and says "i want that pair, and that pair, and that pair." and the clerk says "whoa, mam, calm down. I'll go to the back, i'll get you a few pairs, and you can try them on."

The woman agrees and the clerk goes to the back to get her some shoes. He returns to the front, and tells the woman to lift her leg up so he can put the shoe on.

The woman is wearing a skirt, so when she lifts her leg the clerk gets a peek up her skirt. He notices the woman isn't wearing any panties. When she lifts her other leg, he gets another peek, but the woman notices this time.

"what're you looking at?" she asks.
"well to be honest mam, i was looking at your pussy. I would like too fill it up with ice cream, and eat it all out."

The woman is incredibly offended, and rushes home to tell her husband what happened. The husband responds
"there are 3 reasons why i'm not going to go kick that guys ass.
1: you have enough shoes, stop buying so many.
2: You shouldn't be walking around without wearing any panties.
3: I couldn't beat up a guy who can eat that much ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man gets his fiance, Wendy's name tattooed on his penis....

So when he's hard it says "Wendy," but when it's soft it just says, "W Y."

So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon. They're dancing in the club and drinking and having a good time when inevitably the man has to go to the bathroom.

He's standing at the urinal and notices a big tall jamaican guy next to him has "W Y" tattooed on his penis.

The newlywed says, "Excuse me, but I noticed you have "W Y" on your penis.

The Jamaican replies, "Ya mon. I see you have it too.. Tell me mon, what does yours say when it's hard?"

The man says proudly, "When mine's hard, it says 'Wendy'. What does yours say?"

The jamaican says, "Ah Mon, when mine is hard it says 'Welcome to the island of Jamaica, Have a nice day!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes into a shoe store...

she goes to a clerk and says "i want that pair, and that pair, and that pair." and the clerk says "whoa, mam, calm down. I'll go to the back, i'll get you a few pairs, and you can try them on."The woman agrees and the clerk goes to the back to get her some shoes. He returns to the front, and tells the woman to lift her leg up so he can put the shoe on.The woman is wearing a skirt, so when she lifts her leg the clerk gets a peek up her skirt. He notices the woman isn't wearing any panties. When she lifts her other leg, he gets another peek, but the woman notices this time."what're you looking at?" she asks. "well to be honest mam, i was looking at your pussy. I would like too fill it up with ice cream, and eat it all out."The woman is incredibly offended, and rushes home to tell her husband what happened. The husband responds "there are 3 reasons why i'm not going to go kick that guys ass. 1: you have enough shoes, stop buying so many. 2: You shouldn't be walking around without wearing any panties. 3: I couldn't beat up a guy who can eat that much ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

You have the right to remain silent he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn...

The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, "So, how did you get the wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit my leg off."

"Man, that sucks," the officer remarked, "but why do you have a hook for a hand?"

"It was sliced off by an enemy swordsman when my ship tried to take their ship."

"How terrible!" the man exclaimed. "And the eyepatch?"

The pirate sighed. "Seagull poop fell into me eye."

The man said disbelievingly, "You lost your eye to seagull shit?"

The pirate replied, "Well, it was me first day with the hook!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy is in a CVS with his dad...

A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe sex," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Brains For Sale

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'Brains for Sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, Truck Driver $40.00 a pound and Lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, How come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy, his mother and his father are at a circus watching the elephants...

When the little boy notices something hanging between the elephants legs. He asks 'mommy, what's that hanging between the elephants legs?'

His mother says 'oh, it's nothing'

The little boy turns to his father and says 'daddy, what's that hanging between the elephants legs?'

'that, son' says his dad, 'is a penis'

The boy thinks for a moment before asking, 'then why did mommy say it was nothing?'

The father puffs up with pride and says 'because I've spoiled that woman, son'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I have no idea, but I'm sure as hell not spanking him.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm not fishing

A woman had become tired of the family stressing around her, so she went to the nearest lake and borrowed a boat, sailed out to the middle of the lake, throws in the anchor and sits down and starts reading the book she brought with her.

Ten minutes later a boat aproaches and she notices it is the sheriff.

"Do you have a fishing permit?" the sheriff asks

"no, I'm not fishing I'm reading my book"

"but you have the boat full of fishing equipment, there's nothing to stop you from fishing when I turn my
back on you. So I will have ask you to follow me to the shore, so I can write you a fine for illegal fishing"

"If you do that I'll yell rape"

"Rape?"

"yeah you got the equipment for it, there's nothing to stop you from using it when I turn my back on you"

the sheriff tips his hat to the lady "Enjoy the book, and have a nice day"


*edit spelling*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.

After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so he turns to the man and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Hitler?"

To the guy's surprise, the man turns right to him and says in a thick German accent, "That is because I am Hitler."

The guy just laughs this off and takes another drink, but the stranger keeps his serious expression and says, "It is true, I am Hitler. The allies thought I killed myself, but I escaped and moved here to lie low."

The guy is understandably stunned, so putting his drink down he asks Hitler, "If it's true, and you're Hitler, then you're the most hated man alive--you killed six million Jews!"

"Well yes," says Hitler, "but nobody cares about the Jews anyway."

They argue for a while after that about whether anyone cares about the Jews, before Hitler finally says, "Tell you what. I'll prove to you right now that no one cares about the Jews. I will go around the world right now, round up six million more Jews, and kill every single one of them. Then I will find one clown, and I will kill him too."

Puzzled, the man asks, "Well what would you kill the clown for?"

Then Hitler points at him and says, "See? You didn't care about the Jews either!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...

...are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says.
The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a store to buy condoms

He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"

Wife: What's so special about them.

Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.

Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?

Husband: The gold one of course!

Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?

I'm not sure yet.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!

He hanged himself in the basement!

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Guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. While he sits there he notices a jar full of money on the bar. Next to the jar is a sign that reads, "complete the challenge win the prize." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: An alligator out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have sex with the dirtiest hooker in the place. The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds. He yells, "Now! Where's that hooker with the tooth ache?"

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A Blonde Takes a Test

The professor notices a blonde student flipping a coin as she answers the True/False questions. She finishes long before everyone else, and starts flipping the coin again, sometimes changing her answers.

When she brings her test to the front, the professor asks, "Why were you flipping that coin?"

She responds, "I was checking my answers."

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WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID SEX

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ­."
"Ja."

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A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?"
"Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

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Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?".
The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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Nude Beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Three legged pig

A man is driving through the country to see a farmer about a sale.

after awhile he turns into the front gate of the property.. before he can get out of the car to open the gate.. a three legged pig leaps up and undoes the latch - opens the gate for him.

He is amazed as he stops to close the gate again but notices the three legged pig quickly close and latch the gate behind him.

As he drives on to the next gate the pig runs at speed past his car - by the time he gets there the gate is wide open - the pig closes it behind him again.

He arrives at the homestead and the pig has already sped past him and in sitting on the lower step.

He asks the farmer 'what's the story with this three legged pig? he opened the gates and ran like lightning to get in front of me - it's only got three legs - amazing!'

Farmer replies - 'Good pig like that.., you would be mad to eat 'im all at once'

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A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?

The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

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A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?

She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?

No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher

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A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving blood again?". She turns around and he notices her cheeks are completely full. She shakes her head side to side and moans a muffled "Nuh uh".

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A man who's been drinking at a bar throws up down the front of his shirt.

Remembering that his wife told him not to drink too much tonight, he starts panicking. My wife's going to kill me, he says to himself.

An old drunk next to him notices what's happened and says, Naw. Don't worry about it. Just put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home, explain that some other guy puked all over your shirt and gave you a ten spot to pay for getting it cleaned.

So, feeling better about his situation, the man continues drinking until last call. When he gets home his wife is furious, just as he predicted. I told you not to get so drunk! She says. You threw up all over yourself! Give me that shirt. I need to soak it so it won't stain.

He smiles broadly while handing over the shirt. Oh sweetie, I only had a couple of beers. An old drunk next to me at the bar actually threw up on me. That's why he put ten dollars in the front pocket.

She reaches into the pocket. This is a twenty.

Oh yeah. Well, he shit in my pants, too.

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Circle Flies

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."

The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."

The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."

The farmer adds, "But ... it's hard to fool those circle flies."

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Hilter at a bar

A man walks into a bar and notices Hitler sitting in the corner. The man goes up to the bartender and asks "Hey, what's up with Hitler over there?" The bartender replies "Oh, he just comes in and sits there by himself. If you buy him a drink though, he'll answer one question for you."

So the man buys a drink and brings it to Hitler. He then asks "Hitler, how many people have you killed?" Hitler responds "Six million Jews, and one clown".

Confused, the man brings Hitler another drink. "Hitler, why'd you kill the one clown?"

"See? Nobody cares about the Jews."

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A man had a girlfriend named Wendy...

A man had a girlfriend named Wendy, and he loved her so much that he decided he wanted a tattoo of her name on his penis. So he did just that; a tattoo of "Wendy" down the length of his shaft. But he noticed that when his penis wasn't erect, that only the W and the y showed.

He's in the shower at his local gym one day, when he notices a black man with the same condition: a tattoo on his penis that only shows the W and the y. He decides to strike up a conversation. "So, your girlfriend's name is Wendy too?"

Confused, the black man replies, "No, this says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay'"

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A penguin is driving his car...

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress What can a guy get for a dime? Not much, how about a glass of water? says the waitress. Sure, that will do. The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. Are you going to eat that chili? Nope, it's yours if you want it says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says Yep, same thing happened to me.

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An Australian notices a New Zealander having sex with a sheep.

He says "Hey mate, shouldn't you be shearing that sheep?"

The New Zealander replies "Fuck off, I'm not shearing it with anyone!"

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What are the best Notices puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Notices? Well, here are the best jokes about Notices to have fun with.

Joko Jokes