Nothing Matters Jokes
46 nothing matters jokes and hilarious nothing matters puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nothing matters that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Nothing Matters Short Jokes
Short nothing matters jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nothing matters humour may include short meaningless jokes also.
- How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
- what's the difference between your first motorcycle and you first girlfriend? Nothing, it doesn't matter what either of them look like, you're just happy to have something to ride.
- Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby? What's a matter baby?
Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you? - Two robots, Bob and Bill, are having a conversation -You look sad, what's the matter? Asks Bill.
-Nothing, I'm alright. Says Bob
-Come on, I see that something is bugging you. - I met some nihilists today. They were pretending to make invisible floor padding to sell. I asked them "who do you think you are?"
They just said "Nothing matters." - What did Bill say when Frank told him he was having trouble playing the intro on "Nothing Else Matters"? Don't fret
- How many Jon Snows does it take to change a light bulb? It wouldn't matter. Jon Snow knows nothing.
- Why isn't it a big deal to get s**... into a black hole? Cause in there, nothing is the matter.
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Nothing Matters One Liners
Which nothing matters one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nothing matters? I can suggest the ones about pointless and no one cares.
- I don't always listen to Metallica But when I do, nothing else matters.
- What is a black hole's favorite Metallica song? Nothing Else Matters.
- Why does Metallica only care about one of their songs? Nothing Else Matters
- My family asked me to stop devoting my life to Metallica I told them nothing else matters
- "Nietzsche, what's the matter?" "Nothing."
- Hillary Clinton probably would do nothing to stop Black Lives Matter. Isn't that a riot?
- "What's the matter with him?" "Nothing. He's a positron."
Nothing Matters Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about nothing matters you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean matter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nothing matters pranks.
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.
"Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness,
"I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.
M.
It was his Ku Klux k**... buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery.
"What's the matter?" asked Moody.
"Are you in trouble?"
"No!" said Crumm.
"What do you want, then?"
"Nothing!"
"Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody.
"Cause!" said the other r**..., "the rates are cheaper!"
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...
.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
A guy buys an old brass lamp at a flea market
He takes it home, and starts to clean it up. He rubs it a few times with a polishing cloth, and a genie pops out.
The guy says, "Hey, look at that, a genie. I get three wishes, right?
The genie says, "Sorry, no. People were wishing for all kinds of crazy stuff, so we had to cut it down. You get to choose from one of two wishes. You can wish for a better s**... life, or a better golf game.
The guy thinks about it for a bit, and says, "You know, my short game hasn't improved in years, no matter how hard I try. I'd like a better golf game."
The genie says, "Really? I haven't been at this genie thing for that long, but you are the first guy I've had who wanted a better golf game. You must get more chicks than Hugh Hefner.
"Oh, nothing like that."
"But still, you must be getting it two or three times a day."
"Be serious"
"Once a day at least"
"No, not that often"
"Well, what's your s**... life like?"
"I probably average once or twice a week."
"You're getting laid once or twice a week and you don't think that there's room for improvement?
The guy says, "Well, I think I do pretty well for a priest in a small town who doesn't drive."
In The Military a janitor wanted to go out to the battlefield...
When the soldiers were getting ready for a battle the janitor told the general that he wanted to fight. The general gave him a broom and said "point this at the enemies and say 'bangity bang bang' and when they get close say 'stabbity stab stab'" "ok" the janitor replied. Once the janitor got out on the battlefield he aimed his broom and said "bangity bang bang" to his surprise the enemy dropped dead. Amazed, the janitor bagan repeating the words "bangity bang bang! Stabbity stab stab!" he repeated this until there was only one person left on the field. no matter how many times he said "bangity bang bang" and "stabbity stab stab" nothing worked. The last man pushed the janitor to the ground and said "tankity tank tank"
One day a mother skunk
Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.
"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"
Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.
"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.
He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.
"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.
"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.
The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.
Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.
Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.
"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."
A Governor who was going for a...
...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.
The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.
Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.
What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.
The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.
Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.
Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.
No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.
Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.
I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a s**... count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a s**... count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
An attractive middle-aged woman sits at a bar...
... she orders a drink and a man sits beside her. They are both looking rather glum so she asks him what's the matter. He replies that he has a large chicken farm but none of the hens are laying fertile eggs, if this continues he will be out of business very soon. The man notices the woman is rather upset too, so he asks what her woes are. She says with a sigh 'I am just like one of your chickens' and continues to explain that for many years she and her ungrateful husband had tried to have a child, nothing had worked. They sit in silence for a short time, the woman looks at the man and asks if there is anything he can do to fix his chicken problem. He replies, 'I suppose I could try changing c**...' she winks at him, ' I suppose I could try that too'
The Military decided to build a new supersonic airplane.
It looked great on paper so a few prototypes were commissioned. They came out looking great except whenever it took flight, the wings would fall off. And no matter how much reinforcement the design team added to the wings, they would tear off at the exact same place every single time.
They decided to hire an expert to sort out this problem. His solution was to drill little holes all along the line where the wings usually broke off. The designers were skeptical but did as was recommended. A test flight proved that this solution worked; the wings wouldn't tear off anymore, under any circumstances. They were thrilled the solution worked, but couldn't understand why or how. The expert explained to them that nothing ever tears along the perforation.
Ariel Sharon postage stamp
Ariel Sharon wants a postage stamp issued with his picture on it before he is kicked out of office.
So, he instructs his people, stressing that it should be of high International quality. The stamps are created, printed, and released. Sharon is very pleased.
But within a few days of release of the stamp, he begins hearing complaints that the stamp is not sticking, and he becomes infuriated.
He calls the people responsible and orders them to investigate the matter.
They check the matter out at several post offices, and they report the problem to Sharon.
The report states, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp.The problem is that people are spitting on the wrong side."
Sad loss
I woke up early as the sun shined brightly through my bedroom window. Usually the light was filtered though the leaves of a beautiful old elm tree that had been in our backyard for generations. Yesterday we had to cut her down as she had been stricken with Dutch Elm Disease. I slowly wiped a tear away then thought to myself, "Why am I being so sentimental over a tree, it's just a simple piece if wood?" My wife sensing that something was wrong asked, "What's the matter honey?" I responded, "Oh nothing, I just never thought mourning wood could be so hard." She enthusiastically sat up and said, "Well, let's have a look. I'll be the judge of that."
So, a little boy comes home to hear his sister bawling her eyes out.
...and he goes up stairs, sets his back pack down and goes into his sisters room. "What's the matter sis? What's wrong?" To which the sister replied "Dad just broke the news to me that I am adopted. Paperwork and all." So the boy says "Well, I still love you as my sister. Nothing will ever change that." The sister found that comforting, and gave her brother a kiss. Well, one kiss turned into a few and they end up having s**..., with the revaluation that they are not related and after the funs over, the boy pulls out and sees the c**... is just destroyed. So they talk about what to do, and decide on going to their father. They put their clothes on, walk down the stairs hand in hand and before they could break the news to their dad he jumped out from around the corner and yelled APRIL FOOLS!
A Wife new to Learning driving.. Awesome Joke!
A wife just learned how to drive, and today is excited about her first time driving to work in her new car.
A bit later, her husband woke up and turn on the local news, which was talking about a crazy car driving in an insanely fast speed in the opposite direction of the traffic. The husband started to get a little worried, so he called his wife on the cell, "Sweetie are you okay?".
Wife: "Honey, ya I am fine - just driving to work. What's the matter?!"
Him: "Oh nothing, never mind, it is just that the local news was talking about one car driving opposite to the traffic so I was calling to make sure you are okay!"
Her: "No I am fine.. And ya.. tell me about it.. it is not just one car, it is all the cars.. and it has been driving me nuts this morning!!!"
A man sees a really attractive woman on a train reading the newspaper
...so he chats her up on today's headline.
He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."
An old man dies.
His wife takes him to the f**... home, and the director tells her "Do you have any special request?"
The wife says "Well, yes. As you can see he is wearing a black suit. He loved blue. Please, not matter the cost, get him a blue suit."
"No problem", the f**... director says.
The day after, the wife walks in and sees the husband in a perfect, tailor made blue suit.
"That's perfect!" she says. "How much do I owe you?"
"Oh, nothing", the director responds.
"Why nothing? It surely must have cost something!"
"See, yesterday another woman whose husband had died came in. He was the same size and same height as your husband, and was wearing a blue suit. She wanted a black suit on her husband.
So, I did the logical thing, and swapped the heads".
Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...
...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil h**..., wir brauchen Diesel!"
The birds and the bees
Little Johnny's father calls Johnny in for a chat, and tells him he is about to talk to him about the birds and the bees.
Johnny immediately burst into tears and starts bawling his eyes out.
"What is the matter?" asks the father
Somehow in between the tears johnny answers:
"When I turned 10 you called me in for a talk and told me that Easter bunny wasn't real.
Then when I turned 11, you called me in to tell me that Santa Claus isn't real.
And if you now tell me that s**... is not real too, I have nothing left to live for!"
A forbidden love
"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
A guy walks into an IT place...
He asks the IT guy for help with his computer. "My browser is acting dumb. The fullscreen button in the menu is broken, so I can't fullscreen. Is there another way to do it?"
"Of course!" Says the IT guy."It's a simple matter of pressing the function key and F11." He presses the keys, but nothing happens.
"Oh, I don't use the function key. I got all the functions remapped." Says the man.
The IT guy is confused. "Why would you do that? Do you even remember what you remapped them to?"
The man says "It's okay, I've got everything under control."
A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won't get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who's lying?
The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.
Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.
He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.
But it didn't.
Then he tried learning German.
That didn't help either.
He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.
Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I learn," he said to his wife. "They all have one thing in common."
"What's that?" She asked.
"D comes before V."
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health
If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.
If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you do in life, and what you want from us. Please stay on the phone while we trace your call.
If you suffer from hallucinations, press the 7 on the big pink telephone that you, and only you, see at your immediate right.
If you are suffer from chizophrenia, please kindly ask your imaginary friend to press the 8 key for you.
If you suffer from depression, it doesn't matter which key you press, as there is nothing to do: yours is a basket case, and there is no cure.
If you suffer from amnesia, press keys in rapid sequence 2, 7, 5, 3, 9 5, 7, 5, 1, 6, 4, 9 and repeat out loud, in the following order, your name, surname, home address, mobile number, e-mail, social security number, bank account number, ATM pin code, date of birth, marital status, place of birth and your grandmother's maiden name.
If you suffer from indecision, leave your message before, after, or during the beep.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from short-term memory loss press 0.
If you suffer from obsessive avarice we have to inform you that this call costs 500 euros per minute.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, keep waiting: all our operators are busy responding to people who are much more important than you.
If you are one of the Italians that voted for Berlusconi, please hang up. We cure the crazy, not the jerks.