Not My Fault Jokes
76 not my fault jokes and hilarious not my fault puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about not my fault that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Not My Fault Short Jokes
Short not my fault jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The not my fault humour may include short blame jokes also.
- I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore" She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
- I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything... It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
- What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.
- What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other? "Whoops, my fault"
- My sister sat on my glasses and broke them... I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first
- I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today! I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
- What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake? That wasn't my fault.
Courtesy of my 11 year old daughter. - So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool. I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".
- My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress
- Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."
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Not My Fault One Liners
Which not my fault one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with not my fault? I can suggest the ones about forgive me and apologies.
- My wife says that I only have 2 major faults I don't listen, and something else
- One tectonic plate bumped into another and said "Sorry. My fault"
- Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
- I haven't talk to my wife in 2 years Not my fault, I just wouldn't interrupt her.
- What did the earthquake say to all of its victims? Oh, sorry...my fault.
- What did one earthquake say to the other? Was that your fault or mine?
- What did the tectonic plate say when it had a collision? It's not my fault.
- It's not my fault that I'm lazy. It walks in the family.
- What did one tectonic plate say when it bumped into another? Whoops, my fault.
- Why are seismologists so hard to get along with? Because they're sensitive to a fault.
- My wife tells me I have 2 major faults. I don't listen, and something else.
- My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"... Good man, terrible geologist...
- If a crack forms in your backyard. Is it your fault?
- My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister. Like it's my fault they're conjoined.
- I feel bad for Nepal, but tectonically, it's their fault. Too soon?
Not My Fault Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about not my fault you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pardon my take jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make not my fault pranks.
I lost my job at the hospital today for s**... assault....
It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.
An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
All the mathematical functions went to a party...
There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself
They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"
To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"
Yesterday I f**... in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me
It's not my fault they don't have Windows
This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants
It's not my fault I have to read things in braille
As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"
It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.
Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...
I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*
An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.
A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.
The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"
The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."
Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle
The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"
The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"
"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.
It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.
I got expelled from school on pajama day.
Its not my fault I sleep n**....
I f**... in Apple and they kicked me out
It's not my fault they don't have windows
My blind girlfriend broke up with me because I kept making offensive jokes
It's not my fault she can't see the humor
My girlfriend says she wants to see other people
I told her a thousand times it's not my fault she's blind
It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.
I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign
I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.
Patient goes to the doctor about his obesity...
He says "It's not my fault doctor, obesity runs in my family."
Doctor replies, "No the problem is no one runs in your family."
Why did I get kicked out
All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after
Put your foot in it eh?
I came home from work to a note from the wife saying;
"I've left you because you are s**... and bigoted".
I'm not s**..., I'm dyslexic and its not my fault I've got big toes!
A man is planning his vacation,
As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant, then, in 2013 you suggested France, and, guess what? My wife got pregnant, again!
-Well that's not my fault! You should just start taking your wife with you!
A man rolls up in the workshop with his car
The mechanic asks:
"Woa there, what did you do with that? The Bumper is ruined!"
The man replies:
"Yeah, I kinda ran over a frenchman"
The mechanic replies:
"What? I mean all the mud there, I don't see any blood"
The man replies:
"Not my fault he ran into the field to escape!"
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
The horse starts crying. In between the sobs, he says "it's not my fault I look like Sarah Jessica Parker!"
Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins..
I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.
Some day I have a victim mentality
But it's not my fault
So I walked into an apple phone store...
And I f**..., the people working there got mad at me and I said,"it's not my fault you don't have any windows"
I f**... in an apple store.
Not my fault they didn't have Windows.
The waitress insisted that I tip her...
So it's not my fault she ended up in the hospital!
It's not my fault I'm single...
I was born this way.
I accidentally j**... off to a picture of my mom this morning...
I mean its really not my fault though, most babies look alike.
My wife is always complaining about me talking behind her back and how I always push her to do things...
It's not my fault she's in a wheelchair.
A woman had s**... with a Jazz Artist...
A woman had s**... with a JAZZ Artist and she told her best friend about it. She was happy for her asked, "you just saw him yesterday though... you went in FAST."
She replied, " Hey, it's not my fault, he was too Sax-y"
My friend looked at me funny when I was shouting "Get out of my pocket Obama!"
Not my fault there was a ton of change in there
What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake...
not MY fault
What did the earthquake say to the tornado?
It's not my fault.
I failed German class, but I think it's not my fault
If not for my grandpa, we'd all be speaking German.
Told my coworker she was really killing it today, and she started crying.
Not my fault, I didn't know she was going to planned parenthood later
Kid: Dad, these potatoes taste raw
Dad: not my fault, it's how they came
When I went to my grandmothers f**... everyone stared at me
Hey, it's not my fault if I get mourning wood.
Just got back from the police station.
Got arrested last night for punching someone.
It's not my fault though, when you hear a Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
I'm hopeless remembering names.
It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it…......
What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when they bumped into each other
Well it's not my fault!
I was fired from an Apple Store because of sleeping on the job.
It's not my fault there are so many sheep to count.
Employees at mismanaged firms be like,
"It's not my fault. It's the other guy's fault. I don't work here. I'm just here for the money."
I'm terrible with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it.
I work with special needs children during the week and at an all organic restaurant on weekends
Its not my fault, I just really like vegetables!
Wife yelling at maid: Look at all the dust setting on the counter for 2 months!
Maid: See, not my fault. I've only been working here for a month.
North America blames Pacific for his extreme build up of stress. Pacific replies "It's not my fault"
It's San Andreas fault.
until now, i have only killed one man, and it was in self defence
...it's not my fault his defence was lousy
My wife look upon me in disgust and anger when she found out i slept with my patients.
Its not my fault i am a vet
Every girl I hug runs away screaming...
It's not my fault I only hug 5 year olds...
I dropped my sister's baby yesterday
But its not MY fault she asked me to be a pallbearer
Employee's leave plan
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: sure.
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: okay .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: go on .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: approved .
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my father died I need leave for a week.
Employer: you can take the leave.
After 6 months...
Employee : Sir, my mother died I need leave for a week.
Employer: What is going on? Do you think I am a fool? Every six months either your father dies or your mother. How many parents do you have?
Employee : Sir it's not my fault. When my mother dies, my father marries someone and when my father dies, my mother marries someone
Sorry for bad English
After 6 months...
A policeman searched me last night...
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
I told my mom about my recent addiction to Good Will Hunting
She said it's not my fault.
I've never been a big fan of Bill Murray
It's not my fault that I'm only 5'1".
Halfwit Builders
Larry and Joe are nailing wood siding on a house.
Joe looks over at Larry and is shocked to see him picking the nails from his pouch, one by one, inspecting them, and throw them over his shoulder.
Joe yells, "hey Larry, what-in-the-h**... are you doing throwing all those nails away for!?!?"
Larry yells back, "Don't yell at me, Joe! It's not my fault all of these nails all have the head on the wrong end!"
Joe pulls a nail from his own pouch and looks at it for a second, and yells back, "Larry, you idiot, don't throw them away! We can use those on the other side of the house!"