Nose Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.


It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.


She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,

'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply,

'Can I feel your tits, then?'

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"

What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

Nobody knows

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Then it'll be a foot.

I'm so sorry.

Why is your nose in middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.

You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

I lost my watch at a party once...

and then I saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the guy and punched him right in the nose, because no one ever does that to a girl...
Not on my watch.

Yo mama's so fat

Her nose can't even run




Came up with this myself and was quite proud

My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut.

(NSFW) What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.

She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."

"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.

"But what about the smell?" she asks.

The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."

I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.

What happens when a Chinese man with a boner runs into a wall?

He breaks his nose.

I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

What goes 'boooooo' 'boooooo'?

A cow with a stuffy nose...

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, Look, it's shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?

He says, Put it between your legs.

She says, What about the smell?

He says, Hold its nose.

I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

My sister said I'm being immature.

I guess she isn't getting her nose back

A young guy was visiting his friend at Harvard University.

He was supposed to meet his friend at the library, but he got lost. He sees another guy coming up the walkway, so he asks, "Hey man, where's the library at?"

Th student turns up his nose and says, "Here at Harvard, we never end a sentence with a preposition."

The guy replied, "Sorry, my bad. Where's the library at, asshole?"

What's the worst thing that can happen to a man?

Running into a wall while erect and breaking your nose.

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

Astute Diagnosis

A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have sex?


> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.


They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

Old one I've never seen on here

This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.


Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?

A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



Q: How do you kill a white elephant?


A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

A man with a wooden eye is at a dance..

During a slow dance, he can't find a partner to dance with him. He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose. Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking "Would you dance with me?"

Filled with excitement, she yells "Would I?!"

Without missing a beat, the man retorts: "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!"

A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse with $2 in his pocket. The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead hooker upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.

"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."

"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."

Why did the midget get kicked off a nude beach?

People got seriously annoyed with him sticking his nose into everybody's business.

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

A priest and a politician are on a plane

A priest and politician are on a plane when the plane suddenly begins to nose dive. The priest reaches for the parachutes and says "Quick, Get The Kids", the politician replies "FUCK the kids", the priest looks at the politician with a look of bewilderment "Do you think there's time?"

How do you break the nose of a blonde without touching her?

Wave your cock underneath a glass table

I bought the wife a Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat

The dog seemed to like her

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeΓ±o buisness.

... I'll let my self out.

What do you call a nose without a body?

No body nose.

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeΓ±o business :D

Pearly Gates

After Johnny died, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing people outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

Told my friend his nose was runny

He said it's not

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.


~*Badum tss*~

A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.

"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.

"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.

"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but... are all your boys named Mike?"

"Yes sir," she replied.

"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.

"No, they all have different last names."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 was a slob of a boyfriend. He was always coming home bedraggled and ragged, snot dripping from his nose and crusty beer drippings left on the corners of his mouth.
But it got worse, and worse. When he was sober, he was mean to 6. Always telling her to get my dinner and Don't you give me no fuckin' lip, bitch! And when he was drunk, he was meaner than the day is long. He would slap 6 and push her around all careless-like between giving her orders, and if she ever spoke up -- and she *never* spoke up -- but if she did he wouldn'ta thought twice to give 6 a black eye. Now all this in mind, she was mighty fearful of 7, but not enough to leave him. But 7 just got drunker and drunker and drunker. And 6 got more and more afraid of him. She didn't leave him.

Then eventually 6 was found dead in a ditch. Her head was caved in with a baseball bat. 7 went to prison

6 was afraid of 7.

Was.

My friend invited me to go and see a freak show...

He said 'they've got all sorts; a one eyed man called the cyclops, a woman covered in scales called the lizard lady, even a man with a willy where his nose should be'

'What do they call *him*' I asked

He said 'fuck knows'

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,

"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"

The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

A man enters a pet shop...

...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"

A Jew walks into a bar

He sits down and sees an Asian man. He walks over to the Asian man and punches him in the nose.

Asian Man: what the hell was that for?

Jew: that's for Pearl Harbor

Asian Man: I'm Chinese the Japanese did Pearl Harbor!

Jew: Chinese, Japanese what's the difference.

So the Jew sits back down. 20 minutes later the Chinese man gets up, walks over to the Jew and punches him in the mouth.

Jew: What the fuck was that for?

Chinese Man: that's for the titanic

Jew: the Jews didn't sink the titanic that was an iceberg

Chinese man: iceberg, Greenberg what's the difference?

If you think having a runny nose is fun...

Well, it snot

An old man is lying bed in at the hospital...

An old man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, ' he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

... The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

Lost my watch at a party

I saw a drunk guy starting to step on it while sexually harassing a girl

I walked up to him and punched him straight to the nose...

Nobody does that to a woman..

Not on my watch

I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an airport in the South waiting on her flight back to New York, when

a young southern girl sat down next to her. "Where y'all goin' to?" she asked the teacher.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied, "I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions."

The young lady thought a moment and replied, "Where y'all goin' to, *bitch*?"

A man and a woman were...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

Rancher Abe and his mating bull

Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a vaginal smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the vaginal juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose

Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.

After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the vaginal smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her panties, fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.

Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"

Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"

A Guy Proposing To His GF...

She interrupted him and said: but I have one flaw you should be aware of: I fart alot! Like a lot!
He giggled and said it's alright I have a problem with my nose too, I can't smell that well.

After three days of them living together ,
The guy is opening the windows of the apartment,
And the wife is crying and shouting YOU LIED TO ME, YOU CAN SMELL!,
The guy responded: no I didn't but it is getting hard to walk around here! my eyes are burning!

What do you find in an empty nose?

Fingerprints.

Guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla sitting in the corner.

Guy says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

Bartender says, "I'll show ya." .

The bartender walks over with a baseball bat and smashes the gorilla right in the nose. The gorilla gets on his knees and gives the bartender a blow job.

Bartender says, "What do ya think?"

Guy says, "That's great."

Bartender asks, "You wanna try?"

Guy says, "Sure, but don't hit me so hard."

What are the funniest nose jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Nose? Well, here are the best Nose puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Nose pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes