Nose Ears Jokes
61 nose ears jokes and hilarious nose ears puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nose ears that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nose Ears Short Jokes
Short nose ears jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nose ears humour may include short noses jokes also.
- A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. What's wrong with me doc? He asks. The doctor replies Well it looks like you're not eating right.
- What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow? It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.
- I've decided to start planning ahead I'll start with two ears, maybe a nose... Annnnd in thinking 3? No, 4 eyes.
- What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you
- A man goes to see the doctor. He has a carrot in his ear, a stick of celery up his nose and mash potato and peas in his hair.
Doctor says "You not eating right." - A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear.. ..and a piece of broccoli up his nose. The Dr told him he isn't eating right.
- A guy with a carrot in his nose, an eggplant in one ear and a cucumber in the other, goes to his doctor... "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
"Well, it appears as if you have an eating disorder." - I was at the doctor's office the other day And as he was looking in my ears he said "you've got the cleanest ears I've ever seen!"
I said if he thought that was impressive he should look up my nose. - What do you call someone with three eyes, one ear, and a big nose...? Ugly. \(I know from personal experience :P\)
- I guess you could say I... My SO stuck her entire nose in my ear. Naturally I freaked and pulled away. All she could say was she took a "nosedive".
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Nose Ears One Liners
Which nose ears one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nose ears? I can suggest the ones about nose hair and nostrils.
- I have four eyes, three ears and two noses. What am I? Ugly.
- What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears? Ugly
- My dog came up to me with loads of cerumen on his nose. Ear boy.
- 3D bioprinting an ear out of nose cells...
- I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears.
What am I?
Ugly! - Eye sand, ear sand, mouth and nose. Head, shoulders, knees and toes!
Nose Ears Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about nose ears you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nose job jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nose ears pranks.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.
The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.
His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."
The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
Astute Diagnosis
A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."
A beautiful young woman marries a wealthy elderly man...
thinking that he'll die very soon. "Probably the first time we have s**...." she thinks to herself. After the wedding, they arrive at the hotel and it's s**... time. The old man says he needs to get ready, and goes into the bathroom. When he emerges, he is wearing nothing but a c**..., nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the young woman says, "I understand the c**..., but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."
Peanut
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
A Politician's Tells
Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see...
When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth.
When a politician strokes their beard, they're telling the truth.
When a politician loosens their tie, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their ear, they're telling the truth.
But when a politician opens their mouth, that's when you know they're lying.
p**... phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
p**... phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
p**...: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
p**...: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
p**...: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
One hundred year old man propositions a p**......
A 100 year old man propositions a p**... on the street. She is doubtful he can even get it up but she takes him to a motel room, undresses and hops in bed.
The old man shuffles to the foot of the bed and pulls out a cotton ball and a c**.... He tears the cotton ball into four equal pieces, methodically putting one piece in each nostril, and one piece in each ear.
Before he puts the last piece of cotton in his ear, the p**..., asks him, Honey, why did you put that cotton in your nose and ears?
The old man put the last bit of cotton in his ear and started strapping on the c**... and then replied to her question, There are few things I can't abide, one is the smell of burning rubber, and the other is the sound of a screaming woman!
comment: this may be a common joke. I don't tell them much or collect them. It's 20 years old at least. Heard it when I was 17.
Jacob's 5th birthday. He wants to be a doctor as his parents.
5th birthday of Jacob who wants to be a doctor as his parents.
His mom is a 'Ear Nose And t**...' doctor. His father is gynecologist. Guests approach Jacob with gifts asking if he want to be a 'Ear Nose And t**...' doctor as his mom or a gynecologist as his dad. Jacob thought about it a little then said: I want to be gynecologist. Why would you, they asked in astonishment. Cause I have no idea about ears and noses. Jacob replied.
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose.
He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."
Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"
So a guy walks into the doctor's office with a celery stick in each ear and a carrot in each nose nostril...
He mumbles to the doctor "I think there's something wrong." to which the doctor replies "I don't think you're eating right."
The Native Indian and the Lone Ranger.
One day the Native Indian and the Lone Ranger are out hunting. It's not long before the Native Indian decides to show the Lone Ranger how his people hunt and so puts his ear to the ground.
"Deer come" says the Native Indian, and not a second later a deer comes bounding through the grass past them. The Lone Ranger is obviously impressed and asks how he did it. The Native Indian taps the side of his nose.
Not long after the Native Indian puts his ear to the ground and says "Hare come", and not a second later a hare bounds out of the bushes past them. The Lone Ranger, once again impressed, asks how he does it. The Native Indian looks at him knowingly.
After a few minutes of walking the Native Indian once again puts his ear to the ground and says "buffalo come". But no buffalo appears. The Lone Rangers asks the Native Indian if he's sure. The Native Indian replies
"Yes. Ear is sticky".
Soviet Doctor appointment
One day a man walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse that
he wants to see the eye/ear doctor. "There is no such doctor" she
tells him. "Perhaps he would like to see someone else?" No, I
need to see an eye/ear doctor he says. But there is no such doctor, she
replies. We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose
and t**..., but no eye/ear doctor. No help. He repeats, "I want to
see the eye/ear doctor." They go around like this for a few minutes and
then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye/ear doctor, but if there
were one, why would you want to see one? Because," he replies, "I keep
hearing one thing and seeing another."
After being at sea for six months
After being at sea for six months the working man heads to the local cat house. He picks the woman he wants & they go into a room.
As she is getting undressed the man starts stuffing cotton in his nose & ears.
She asks him, "What is all that cotton for?"
He replies, "There is 2 things I can't stand. That is the smell of burning rubber & the sound of a screaming woman."
Burning Rubber
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch e**..., and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, What are those for?
The old man replied, There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming… and the smell of burning rubber!
A woman entered her daughter's room and found a letter
Dear mom
I hate to tell you this, but I escaped with my new boyfriend. He's sweet guy although people judge him because the rings on his ears and nose, and his many tattoos and his big bike.
I'm also pregnant. He tells me that we'll live happy in the forest and have many kids.
He also tells me that w**... is fine, and we'll grow it for our friends who will give us c**....
Don't worry, mom. We pray to god that scientist will find a cure for aids, because my darling deserves it.
I'm 15 now, mom, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'll visit you and introduce you to your grandchildren.
Love you. Daughter .
.
.
.
P.S.
Mom, I'm joking. I'm at our neighbor's house. By the way, the test grades report is on my table .
Priest and the leprosy man
Priest walks into social care centre, with his meal. In the room there was no place to sit, except in front of the leprosy man. He started to eat. After his first bite he saw the leprosy mans eating his own fallen ear in the soup. He started to gag. The leprosy man made an excuse and he wanted to stand up and get other place to sit. The priest stopped him, and told him that he is a child of god. They continued eating, and again the eye of leprosian felt in the soup and he ate it. The priest gagged again, and this time he was close to puking the food out. Leprosy man was ready to stand up, but the priest doesnt want him to. They continued eating. After a while leprosian ate his nose. The priest puked all hiss meal on the table and and was disgusted, the leprosy man stand up and was ready to move to another table, after saying the excuses. The priest said: Oh my child, i am not disgusted of you, i was disgusted of the blind man dipping his bread in your neck. They both puked...
Doctors Office
A guy walks into a doctors office. He has a piece of lettuce on his head, a string bean coming out of his nose and a carrot sticking out of his ear.
The doctor says, "I can see your problem right away, you're not eating right."
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,
"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
Always carry ear plugs incase an Indian taxi driver picks you up
So you can stick them up your nose.
h**... time.
Hold your right ear with your lett hand and your nose with your right hand, then hold your left ear with your right hand and your nose with your left hand, and repeat and repeat.
The Stuck Peanut
A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter
how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they're
about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the
boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it
out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man's nose and tells him to
blow as hard as he can. The man does this and the peanut
pops out.
Sometime later the parents are talking and mum
comments, "Our Mary's got a clever boyfriend there. I
wonder what will become of him.
I'll tell you one thing, by the smell of his fingers, he'll be
our son-in-law, came the reply.
A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting on the exam table.
A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting on the exam table, with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.
The doctor took one look at him and said, "Well I can tell right away you're not eating right".
A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.
His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.
They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.
The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard and out pops the peanut.
After the boyfriend leaves, the wife remarks, "Wow, that's a smart boy our girl is dating! What do you think he is going to become when he grows up?".
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law", says the man.
In the beginning of time
Adam was taking a n**... stroll through the Garden of Edan, naming the animals. He found a large creature with a long nose and big ears. He said "I think I'll call you Elephant." The elephant replied "How do you breathe through that thing?!"
We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers?
And with this f**... I give you my hand in marriage....
A man with a wooden eye...
A man with a wooden eye is very self-conscious about his looks but also very lonely.
At the advice of his doctor, he decides to go to a local meetup with people who have similar disabilities.
After a while of listening to the music and looking around at the ladies he builds up the courage to ask a lady to dance with him. He walks past a girl with one leg, passes a girl with no ears, and finally arrives in front of a sad looking girl with no nose.
"You wouldn't want to dance with me, would you?", he sheepishly asks the girl.
"Oh wouldn't I!? Wouldn't I?", she excitedly replies.
He point his finger at her face and yells "NO NOSE! NO NOSE!!"
God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?
God: So he can know how far or close danger is
God's assistant: why two ears?
God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right
God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.
God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who f**... in the room.
An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car
Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..
a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.
He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".
Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".
A man walks into a doctor's office
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, You're not eating properly.
An old woman at the doctor's
"Doc, I have incredible problems with gas. Really, I have to pass gas all the time, but fortunately, they don't smell and you can't hear them at all. You see, since I came in here, I had to pass gas four times already and still, no smell, no sound, nothing."
The doctor nods and writes some medication for her.
A week later she is back. "Doc! What medication did you give me? I'm still gassy as all h**..., but now they stink to high heavens!"
The doctor nods "Ok, the nose is working again, now on with the ears..."
1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.
Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"
Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"
Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody stole my watch! This is Moscow."
Ok, dad joke time.
A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, I can tell right away you're not eating right.
Medical Advice
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"
"You're not eating properly."
A guy walked into the doctor with a carrot in his ear, asparagus up his nose, and a half an onion on his head like a hat. The guy says, "Doc, I just don't get why I'm always sick."
The doctor replies, "Well, you're not eating right."
A man goes to the doctor
with a banana hanging halfway out his ear and a carrot sticking out of his nose. He says, "doc, I'm not feeling too hot".
Doc replies, "I can tell ya what's wrong just lookin' at ya. Clearly you're not eating properly."
In honor of a bath time song sung by a fellow dad...
Here is mine:
Wash your body!
Oh yeah.
Clean your body!
Uh huh
Wash your body!
It's bath time tonight!
Let's get clean, alright!
Clean your fingers and your toes...
Wash your face, don't forget your nose
If it's Monday night we wash your hair.
But everytime wash behind your ears!