Nose Bleed Jokes
23 nose bleed jokes and hilarious nose bleed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nose bleed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nose Bleed Short Jokes
Short nose bleed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nose bleed humour may include short nosebleed jokes also.
- I have bathed in the blood of virgins... Well, I had a nose bleed in the bath this morning.
- I'm not addicted to video games I just have to play 8 hours a day to stop the shaking and another 4 to stop the nose bleed
- I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen. Now my nose bleeds once a month.
- Ice on your neck can stop nose bleeds But then again, you could get shot, arrested, or die from an overdose.
- What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding? Nothing, he already said it twice.
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Nose Bleed One Liners
Which nose bleed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nose bleed? I can suggest the ones about bleeding nose and blowing nose.
- I felt like my nose was bleeding. But after checking, it'snot.
- I feel like my nose is bleeding. It's snot though.
- I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not
- A blonde walked into a store.. She got a nose bleed.
- I asked my friend if his nose was bleeding or not. He told me "it's snot"
Nose Bleed Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about nose bleed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean broken nose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nose bleed pranks.
An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car
Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.
The blood of virgins
A guy walks into his regular bar and loudly orders a round for the entire bar. "Drink up! For tonight I have bathed in the blood of virgins!" he loudly proclaims. "So, had another nose bleed while you were in the shower today, huh?" the bartender asks.
A man walks into a bar, pulls out a piece of chalk, and draws a line on the floor.
He then stood on the far side of the line and faced the door. People came in, took a look at him, and then walked around the line to go order their drinks. Eventually, a man walked in, approached the man, and stepped across the line.
Immediately, the first man took a swing and laid the second man out flat.
"Why'd you do that?" The second man asked, holding his bleeding nose.
The first man shrugged. "Because this is a punchline."
A police officer pulls a man over for driving all over the road...
...and discovers the man has clearly been drinking.
Officer: "You'll have to come with me for a breathalyzer test, sir."
Man: "I'm afraid I can't do that officer, I'm ams-- *hic* alths-- I'm asthmatic. I could have an episode."
O: "I see. In that case, I'll need to take you down to the station for a blood test."
M: "I can't do that either, see, because I'm a helmpho-- a hemophiliac. I could bleed out."
O: "*sigh*... okay, just stand right there and hold your arms out to your sides, tilt your head straight back, and touch your nose with your right index finger."
M: "I'm afraid I can't do that either, because I.................."
O: "What, you have vertigo?"
M: "Yes! Sorry, I can't think very fast after 14 beers!"
Rancher Abe and his mating bull
Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a v**... smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the v**... juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose
Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.
After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the v**... smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her p**..., fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.
Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"
Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"
p**... phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
p**... phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
p**...: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
p**...: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
p**...: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
2 Mexicans were walking through the desert...
It'd been more than a week since either of them had eaten anything, and their last bottle of water had just gone dry. They'd been walking for hours on end.
Suddenly on the horizon, one of the Mexican's spotted something. 'Look over there my friend, you see the green thing?'
His friend replies 'The thing with pink stuff on it'
Through the air a delicious salty, meaty aroma hit both their noses. They could see a large green, leafy shape in the distance, with pink slivers of what looked like greasy meat hanging from it.
'Yeah man, and you can smell it too!, amigo eetz a bacon tree!'
'AMIGO EETZ A BACON TREE! WE'RE SAVED!'
The Mexican who had first spotted the bacon tree on the horizon suddenly ran, as fast as his legs could carry him towards the plant in in the distance. When all of a sudden...
BANG! BANG! BANG! - Gunshots fired out, as if from nowhere
The other Mexican, who had not had the energy to run looked on to his friend, who lay bleeding and dying from his wounds
Barely able to mouth the words through lack of water the Mexican cried out to his dying friend. 'Amigo, what happened?'
With his last breath the dying Mexican warned his partner...
'Amigo, eetz no bacon tree, eetz a Ham Bush!'
Bell Ringer Wanted
A beautiful, old church with a tall steeple and bell tower was in need of someone to ring the bell every hour as the priest was getting too old to climb the stairs.
He put out a sign asking for someone to fill the position, and an hour later he hears 3 slow thuds on the front door. The priest opens the door to find a man standing there with no arms. He says, "I am here about the open position, it has always been my dream to ring the bell in this church".
Hesitant, the priest figures he will let the man audition, so they walk all the way to the top of the steeple where the large bell resides. The priest tells the man to go ahead and ring the bell, not sure how he will be able to pull the cord without any arms.
The man takes a few steps back, then runs and jumps face first at the bell, and it let out the most amazing ring causing the entire town to stop in awe. The man however, was bleeding from the nose after hitting his face, and the priest said, "that was the most beautiful sound the bell has ever made, but I cannot allow you do that to yourself every hour".
Distraught, the man throws himself from the top of the bell tower to the streets below. Two men walking by see the man fall, and stop near the body. One says to the other, "he looks familiar, do you know his name". The other man replies, "no, but his face rings a bell".