Northern Jokes
86 northern jokes and hilarious northern puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about northern that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you know Northern Jokes? Laugh out loud with jokes about Northern Ireland, Northern Lights, Northern Territory, Northern Accent, Northern England, Northern Soul, Northern Ontario, and Northern California. Discover the humor in suburbs, North areas, and other Northern places!
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Funniest Northern Short Jokes
Short northern jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The northern humour may include short southern jokes also.
- An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.
- I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden... I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
- Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere? It's called the Corgi-olis Effect.
- A city in northern England has mysteriously disappeared The police are still searching for Leeds
- As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ... Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.
- My first grader made this one up: What do you call the northern lights when they're not very interesting? Aurora Boringalis
- My girlfriend recently left me and moved to a northern Canadian province. She was having Nunavut.
- If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named? Cause then there would be Nosex!
- What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture... What do you get when Sleeping Beauty gives a lecture on the Northern Lights to the people of Wonderland?
Aurora boring Alice. - In the stock market today.... Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.
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Northern One Liners
Which northern one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with northern? I can suggest the ones about north south and south.
- How much of northern Canada is livable? *Nunavut*
- Why shouldn't you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout.
- What do you call a northern Irish hunger strike? A Bel Fast
- I met a mugger in northern Germany. He said "Hannover your wallet!"
- What part of Northern Canada is habitable? Nunavut.
- I got a bit lost on my way through northern India... but I think I might be in Lucknow.
- What did one Northern cactus say to the other Northern cactus? 'Allo Vera
- TIL javelins were invented in a region of northern France.. Britanny Spears.
- What do we want? A Northern Irish accent!
When do we want it?
Noy! - [Game of Thrones] How do you ask a Northerner if they are of noble descent? Arya Stark?
- What did the poacher get when he saw the Northern White Rhino? Shot.
- What is a northern English comedian's favourite garment? Jerkin!
- What do you get if you digitise a map of northern Europe? Scanned-in-avia
- Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper. - Why shouldn't you wear trousers from northern Ukraine? Chernobyl fallout
Northern Southern Jokes
Here is a list of funny northern southern jokes and even better northern southern puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the southern side of the tree say to the northern side when it died? I'm sorry for your moss
I made this up and I apologise. It's awful. - What is the difference between northern and southern zoos? Southern zoos have a description of the animals along with a recipe.
Northern Ireland Jokes
Here is a list of funny northern ireland jokes and even better northern ireland puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a Mexican restaurant in Northern Ireland? Taco Belfast.
Northern California Jokes
Here is a list of funny northern california jokes and even better northern california puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a briefcase from a new company in Northern California. It's a Zero Hella-burton.
- What makes honey in Northern California? A baybee :)
Northern Lights Jokes
Here is a list of funny northern lights jokes and even better northern lights puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the monkeys say when they saw the Northern Lights? Ooooooh, aaaaaah...
Howlingly Hilarious Northern Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about northern you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean north west jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make northern pranks.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.
Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is i**... i**... in northern Europe?
Because nobody likes an uneven Finnish.
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
Tickle me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A northern californian sees alot of helicopters in the sky...
...he turns to his friend and says, "Hella Copters"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota
Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."
Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land."
As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short."
Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?"
But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna c**...!"
Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it."
So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!"
Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't the French enjoy travelling to Northern Ireland?
Because they don't like the smell of Derry air.
How do the people of northern Iraq manage to get so much done?
The Kurds have their ways
What did the invader say when he got to northern Canada?
I'll have Nunavut.
The treasure hunt
The treasure hunt was invented in northern India. Thus the name 'hide and Sikh'. #truefact
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Northern women have p**...
Gals from the south have FTS.
Fixin' to Start
Ravens
Humorous story from the web:
Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
What did the one explorer say to the other when they arrived in Northern Canada?
Eh, you take this one. I don't want Nunavut.
PS: I realize it's a double negative.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
California
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
My company moved offices and wanted to transfer my job to northern Canada
But I was having nunavut.
I'm directing a film...
... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.
I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.
What did the guy from Northern Canada have to say about the place?
He wanted Nunavut.
The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.
Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.
NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.
When they flush the toilet in Australia,
the water goes the opposite way as the Northern hemisphere.
That's bound to make a terrible mess.
How do they live with it?
Quick test to see if your stripper is from northern Michigan
See how she pronounces 'pasties'
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Hey girl, are you Northern Europe?
Cause you are smokin hot!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Name a northern California town where half the population is strung out on i**... drugs?
Demi Novato.
Jeff Bezos, immediately before deciding definitively to move his HQ2 to northern Virginia and NYC:
Nerf Boston
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I go to Northern Oklahoma University. Someone asked me "what college let someone as s**... as you in?" I couldn't think of a clever comeback so I just said
No U
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are subtle differences in the Northern and Southern Dialect
Northern Euphemism for *long d**...*
>My pp is PARTY SIZE
Southern Euphemism for *long d**...*
>My pp is FAMILY SIZE
A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.
The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"
The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
ǝɹǝɥdsᴉɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇnos ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ ǝɹ,ǝʍ ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇsnɾ uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝɹ,ǝʍ ʎɐs sʎɐʍlɐ ǝldoǝd uǝɥʍ ǝʇɐɥ I puɐ uɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ oslɐ ɯ,I
s**... Northern hemisphere folk..
Switch Operator
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298
They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.
"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.
Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"
With a tear in his eye, Doc replies "A Great Scot."
Quentin Crisp Quote
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
A Canadian and an Inuit representative were arguing over land rights...
The Canadian representative insisted on having all of northern Canada to themselves, but the Inuit representative immediately cut them off, saying they were having Nunavut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
With a s**... smile, she said to me "Kiss me where the sun don't shine."
...so I booked us two tickets for a December holiday in northern Norway.
A man decided to sail his boat from England to Russia
He starts his journey and everything is going great. That is, until he's passing Germany's northern coast. His ship begins taking on water and, in a panic, he radios the German Coast Guard.
"Help!" He says through the radio.
"Vat is it?" The German Coast Guard replies.
"I'm sinking!" The man says back.
The radio goes silent for a moment before the Coast Guard replies,
"Vell, vat are you sinking about?"
There's no way this isn't a repost but I just get cracked up every time I think of it.
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins, Once upon a time, …
A southern fairy tale begins, Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…!
