Nope Jokes
136 nope jokes and hilarious nope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nope Short Jokes
Short nope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nope humour may include short yeah jokes also.
- Cargo Owl Joke Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. owl go who. Car go beep beep.
- Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em" - "Did you just say something?" "Uhhh nope?"
"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."
"No I didn't."
"Good, because I'm vegan." - I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph... ... That's a grave sign.
(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.) - [Offensive] Adolf visits the concentration camp and asks a young boy how old he is "I'll be 6 soon!"
"Nope" - A priest, a rabbi, and a chicken walk into a bar. The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street." - Teacher: What are your parents' names? Boy: My dad's name is laughing and my mum's name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding!
Boy: Nope, I am joking. - Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff? Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.
- I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. Zulu's? He asked. I said nope. I usually won.
- Whenever people ask me if that pun I just made was intended... I reply, "Nope unintended!"
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Nope One Liners
Which nope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nope? I can suggest the ones about absolutely and dunno.
- What do you call a flying nun? A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above - I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus. He said nope.
- Does Forrest gump belong to Gen X, Gen Y, or Gen Z? Nope. He belongs to Gen A.
- Sometimes I say "nope" by accident. Nope unintended.
- I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English My son.
Nope, still useless. - Did you mean to use wordplay there? Nope unintended.
- A beggar once asked me, "Any change?" I said, "Nope. You're still broke."
- Roy Moore demands recount! Nope, she was still 14
- My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution Nope, I'm still working here
- What do you call a cobra in a Catholic hat? Pope Nope Rope
- What do you call a cereal box full of snakes? Honey Bunches of nopes
- I asked my friend if it was intended for him to cheese the pizza joke. "Nope Unintended"
- Massive fall on Wall St today... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting.
- You thought i would bring up an old meme from 5 years ago? Nope, Chuck Testa
- "Hey, is that a rare T-Rex fossil leg?" "Nope, fossil arm."
Comical Nope Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about nope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kinda jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nope pranks.
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
A blonde comes back home from hunting
\- Have you hunted a lot?
\- Nope! Not a single duck!
\- But... There's plenty of ducks out there. How could it be?
\- Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm not throwing the dog high enough...
Lost friend.
A man was looking for his friend just about everywhere.
He went to the grocery store and asked "Has anyone seen Bob Peters?" To which everyone responded no.
Next he went to the gym and asked "Has Bob Peters been around here?" To which everyone responded no.
After that he went to the barbershop and stuck his head in and asked "Bob Peters here?" To which the barber said "nope, only haircuts."
Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception
Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my dad was a doctor going through residency...
...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."
Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.
* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.
Hans meets an art dealer on vacation
A German man is on vacation in Spain. He sees a local man selling artwork, so he goes over and checks out his wares. He notices a print of Picasso's Guernica on an easel. The German asks did you do this? , to which the Spaniard replied, nope. you did.
Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(They will always say "arrrrrrhh.")
Nope, P, it's like arrrrrrhh without a leg.
A little boy answered a knock at the door...
A little boy answered a knock at the door to find a well-dressed woman.
"Is your mother home?" she asked, politely.
"Uh uh," he said.
"Okay," she said, put off by his lack of manners. "Is your father home?"
"Nope. He done gone to work and he ain't gonna be back 'til after dinner."
"Young man," she said sternly. "Where's your grammar?"
"She's in the kitchen... Bakin' cookies."
*
What happens when you don't pay the exorcist...
You get repossessed.
Nope not mine. May be a repost. If so upvotes to that person.
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
So this piece of rope walks into a bar...
...and he tries to order a drink, the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind roun' here!" The piece of rope walks outside, ties himself in half a couple times, rubs himself in the dirt and drags his edges. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey! Ain't you that same piece of rope?!" The piece of rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two p**... are driving in a car
The driver: Stick your head out the window and see if my directional is working. Is it on?"
The passenger:" Uh yep. nope. yep. nope. yep. nope"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Final exam
My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?"
After the chuckling died down, the professor replied, "Nope, you can use your other hand to write."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
A blind man
A blind man walks into a store with his service dog. He goes to the middle of the store, picks the dog up by its hind legs and starts spinning around. Everyone in the store stops and stares. The store manager immediately runs up to him and says "Sir, can I help you find something?" The blind man, still spinning with the dog, says "nope, just looking around."
An invisibility salesman shows up for a job interview.
The interviewer asks the gentleman if he could see the salesman's previous work.
He replies: "Nope."
My little cousin dropped this one on me:
Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two!
Niagara Falls
A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car c**......
...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D
A hippie is walking along
A Hippy is walking along wearing one shoe. Another hippy sees him and calls out,
'Hey man, you lose a shoe?'
"Nope, found one"
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor asks a patient...
Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Patient: Nope, but I vape.
Doctor: So a no for s**... activity?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked if I ever think about someone else during s**......
"Nope, just myself."
Comeback Joke
* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *
Two men are sitting at a bar....
The first man tells his buddy, "I saw my boss being beaten up by 3 guys when I was leaving here last Friday."
The second man says, "Did you help?"
The first man replies, "Nope, they seemed like they were doing a good job."
A chicken walks into a bar...
Chicken: got any chicken food?
Bartender: Nope, thats across the road.
That answers that question
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sweetheart, you remind me the sea.
>Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?
No
>I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.
Not really.
>So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?
Nope.
>So what is it then?
You make me sick.
My mother came back from the beach
I noticed she only had one sandal on and asked " hey mom did you lose a sandal?" she replied with a smile on her face "Nope, I found one"
Boy: My love for you is like counting the stars..
Girl: Oww, Infinite?
Boy: Nope, Pointless ..
An Eskimo brings his SUV into the shop for repairs.
Mechanic says, "Let me take a look. I'll be with you in a few min." The Eskimo notices they have an ice cream parlor next door, so he heads over while he waits. When he returns to the auto shop, the mechanic stops him and says, "Well... You need a fan belt and it looks like you blew a seal." The Eskimo replies, "Nope. It's just ice cream."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
The first cannibal asks "Does it taste funny?"
The second cannibal turns around and says "nope."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv
I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it.
Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.
I told my girlfriend some puns.
No matter how much I wanted them to make her laugh, no pun in ten did.
P.S. You may be asking if I was trying to be cheesy. Nope, unintended.
A day in the life of an IT guy...
Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…
"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.
"Twitter?"
"Nope."
"Instagram?"
"Nah."
"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"
How many cannibals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10.. er, I mean 9... oh wait 8, nope, 7 I guess... no 6... no 5...
The cellphone goes off in class...
Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.
My friend told me he's never heard of Super Mario.
"Really?" I asked.
"Nope. Never." He signed.
A String Walks Into A Bar
Inside the bar, the string asks for a beer. Sadly for the string, though, the bartender states "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." So, the string walks out of the bar, frazzles up his head, twists his stomach and walks back in. The bartender, noticing the string, says "Hey!- aren't you that string from earlier?" The string replies "Nope, I'm afraid not."
A man with one shoe walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "hey, what you do? Lose a shoe?"
The man looks at him and says "nope, found one."
The last joke my Italian grandfather told me before he passed.
Two italian soldiers are sitting on a beach in Normandy during WWII when a German submarine surfaces offshore. One Italian looks at the other and says, "Is thata UBoat?" The other Italian replies, "nope, not mine".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which of the following does not belong in this list: h**..., gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?
The condo, obviously.
Nope, gonorrhea. It's the only one you can get rid of.
How many bacteria does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
No, two. Actually, four.
No! Eight. No, sixteen. Oh God. Thirty-two. Nope, Sixty-four. No...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...
The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you s**... active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't s**... active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
-Son, remember that in many ways, life is like a display of fireworks on a clear winter night.
-Beautiful?
-Nope. A pure loss, but fun none the less!
A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The grandfather replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."
Who do you like more, mom or dad?
A conversation I had with a friend that I wanted to share:
Me: who do you like more bro? Your mom or your dad?
Him: I don't know, I think I love them equally.
Me: Seriously? You don't have 1% more love for one or the either?
Him: nope, how about you?
Me: I'd choose your mom in an instant..
My dad said son you have a drinking problem
I said nope, I have it all figured out!
Trump allegedly had an affair with Tony the Tiger.
When reached for a comment, his response want typical: "Nope, not true. Flake news."
Are YOU Immune to Clickbait? CLICK HERE NOW, The Results May SHOCK YOU!
That's a definite nope
Bruce Jenner walked into a barber shop...
...looking for a friend.
He asks the barber "Bob Peters here?"
The barber says, "Nope. Just cut hair."
A little old lady got on a city bus
and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I am a fried nut
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A man went to a laundry service
He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.
As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"
He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in this case I bought. Coincidence?
Nope. I'm just a massive alcoholic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two r**... are talking about their s**... lives.
"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a t**...?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.
A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove
When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.
On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?
The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?
Would you wear socks if you had no feet?
Boy: Would you wear socks if you had no feet?
Girl: Nope
Boy: Then why do you wear a bra...?
Girl: Why do you wear pants?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm no longer calling period attitude p**......
Nope, I'm calling o**... acting.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
