Nope Jokes
137 nope jokes and hilarious nope puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nope that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nope Short Jokes
Short nope jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nope humour may include short yeah jokes also.
- Cargo Owl Joke Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. owl go who. Car go beep beep.
- Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em" - "Did you just say something?" "Uhhh nope?"
"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."
"No I didn't."
"Good, because I'm vegan." - I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph... ... That's a grave sign.
(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.) - [Offensive] Adolf visits the concentration camp and asks a young boy how old he is "I'll be 6 soon!"
"Nope" - A priest, a rabbi, and a chicken walk into a bar. The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street." - I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
- Teacher: What are your parents' names? Boy: My dad's name is laughing and my mum's name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding!
Boy: Nope, I am joking. - My boyfriend asked me how many planets are in our solar system. And I said. "Eight"
And he said, "Nope, only 7, after I destroy uranus tonight." - Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One of them says. "Hey man doesn't this taste a bit funny".
The other cannibal says. "Nope".
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Nope One Liners
Which nope one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nope? I can suggest the ones about absolutely and dunno.
- What do you call a flying nun? A bird? A plane?
Nope, nun of the above - I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus. He said nope.
- Does Forrest gump belong to Gen X, Gen Y, or Gen Z? Nope. He belongs to Gen A.
- Sometimes I say "nope" by accident. Nope unintended.
- I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English My son.
Nope, still useless. - Knock Knock.. Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. - Do Rabbis get paid for performing circumcisions? Nope, they just keep the tips.
- Did you mean to use wordplay there? Nope unintended.
- Did that horse steal my thesaurus? Horse: "Nope"
- A beggar once asked me, "Any change?" I said, "Nope. You're still broke."
- Is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand? Nope, its as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3
- Roy Moore demands recount! Nope, she was still 14
- My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution Nope, I'm still working here
- What do you call a cobra in a Catholic hat? Pope Nope Rope
- What do you call a cereal box full of snakes? Honey Bunches of nopes
Comical Nope Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about nope you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kinda jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nope pranks.
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
So a string walks into a bar...
and the bartender says to him, "Hey no strings allowed. Get out!" So he goes out side, messes himself up, ties himself up, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
A man was taking his dog for a walk one early morning
As he walked through a graveyard to get back home, he saw a man crouching by a grave.
"Morning!" says the man with the dog.
The second man replies "Nope, just having a p**...."
String
A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.
The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.
The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.
The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"
The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Two cows are on a field
one turns to the other and asks " are you worried about mad cow disease" the other says nope. The first cow, was astonished at the ignorance the other cow was showing and barked "WHY?" the second cow slowly turns and shouts "because I am a helicopter"
Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception
Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.
Two men at the Olympics
Two men are at the Olympics. One man walks up to the second man and asks, "Hey, are you a pole vaulter?"
The second man responds, "Nope, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
When my dad was a doctor going through residency...
...he had this particularly notable patient.
He was asking her the usual questions:
Do you smoke? Nope.
Drink? On occasion.
Any drugs? No
All typical answers, until he got to his last question.
Are you s**... active? She stared at him for a moment before replying: "Well I don't just lay there..."
Two fisherman friends
Two fisherman friends meet for the first time in months and start to catch up.
* -So how are you?
* -I'm very well. I actually got married recently.
* -Congratulations, that's great news! So how is your wife, is she beautiful?
* -Not really...
* -Ah, so she's smart then?
* -Not at all...
* -Has she got money?
* -Nope.
* -Then why did you marry her?
* -She's got worms.
Whenever people ask me if that pun I just made was intended...
I reply, "Nope unintended!"
Hans meets an art dealer on vacation
A German man is on vacation in Spain. He sees a local man selling artwork, so he goes over and checks out his wares. He notices a print of Picasso's Guernica on an easel. The German asks did you do this? , to which the Spaniard replied, nope. you did.
So a vulture is in line to board a plane...
and he's got a deer carcass in his claws. The TSA agent turns to the vulture and says, "That deer carcass smells horrific, surely you are going to check it on?" The vulture looks at the agent, smiles and says, "Nope, it's carrion."
Paid a homeless guy $1 for this: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(They will always say "arrrrrrhh.")
Nope, P, it's like arrrrrrhh without a leg.
A little boy answered a knock at the door...
A little boy answered a knock at the door to find a well-dressed woman.
"Is your mother home?" she asked, politely.
"Uh uh," he said.
"Okay," she said, put off by his lack of manners. "Is your father home?"
"Nope. He done gone to work and he ain't gonna be back 'til after dinner."
"Young man," she said sternly. "Where's your grammar?"
"She's in the kitchen... Bakin' cookies."
*
A skydiver jumps out of a plane...
He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydiver yells "hey! Do you repair parachutes!?"
The guy yells back! "Nope, gas ovens..."
(english is not my first language, excuse my spelling please)
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
So this piece of rope walks into a bar...
...and he tries to order a drink, the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind roun' here!" The piece of rope walks outside, ties himself in half a couple times, rubs himself in the dirt and drags his edges. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey! Ain't you that same piece of rope?!" The piece of rope says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
A piece of rope walks into a bar.....
The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here. Now get out!" The piece of rope leaves, but it's determined to get a drink, so it starts rolling on the ground, ties itself up and splits it's ends. Looking beat up, the rope walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the rope and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?" The rope looks at the bartender and says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Two p**... are driving in a car
The driver: Stick your head out the window and see if my directional is working. Is it on?"
The passenger:" Uh yep. nope. yep. nope. yep. nope"
Final exam
My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?"
After the chuckling died down, the professor replied, "Nope, you can use your other hand to write."
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
My little cousin dropped this one on me:
Me: Wow, you must've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!
Cosin: Nope, still have two!
Niagara Falls
A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.
So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car c**......
...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!
So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"
The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."
:D
The wife comes home......
The wife comes to home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, twho bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread.
Husband: Are we expecting guests today?
Wife : Nope..
Husband : Then why did you buy so much bread?
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners, the guy is a little old and hard of hearing. Monica says "i need to get this dress cleaned, no starch, use the same hanger."
The dry cleaner responds "come again?"
Monica says "nope, this time it's mustard."
A piece of rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?" The rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
My wife asked if I ever think about someone else during s**......
"Nope, just myself."
Comeback Joke
* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *
Two men are sitting at a bar....
The first man tells his buddy, "I saw my boss being beaten up by 3 guys when I was leaving here last Friday."
The second man says, "Did you help?"
The first man replies, "Nope, they seemed like they were doing a good job."
A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
Sweetheart, you remind me the sea.
>Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?
No
>I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.
Not really.
>So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?
Nope.
>So what is it then?
You make me sick.
A rope walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "get out, we don't serve ropes here." So the rope leaves, loosens up its end bits, and ties its self up. The rope then walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "aren't you the same rope I just told to get out of here?" And the rope says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
The dad asks his son: "What has four legs and isn't alive?
Son: "nice try, a chair!"
Dad: "Nope. Our dog just died."
A Dad tells his son he is adopted...
Dad: I wanted to let you know you were adopted.
Son: Your kidding right?
Dad: Nope, they'll be picking you up in about an hour.
A veteran's son asks him "Dad, did you get shot in the army?"
The dad replies, "Nope! But I got shot in the leggy."
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
The first cannibal asks "Does it taste funny?"
The second cannibal turns around and says "nope."
A day in the life of an IT guy...
Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook…
"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.
"Twitter?"
"Nope."
"Instagram?"
"Nah."
"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"
Seals
A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.
While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.
When he returns to the garage, the mechanic says "I think you blew a seal". The penguin replies "Nope, that's just ice-cream!"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal...
... were playing hide and seek. Einstein started counting so Pascal ran off to hide, but Newton simply drew a square on the floor and stepped in it. Einstein shouted "Ha, found you!", to which Newton simply replied "Nope, 1 Newton per square metre, you found Pascal!"
How many cannibals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10.. er, I mean 9... oh wait 8, nope, 7 I guess... no 6... no 5...
The cellphone goes off in class...
Bully: "Aww, Is your Mommy calling you?"
The class emerges in snickers.
You: "Nope. Yours is."
The class becomes silent.
A String Walks Into A Bar
Inside the bar, the string asks for a beer. Sadly for the string, though, the bartender states "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." So, the string walks out of the bar, frazzles up his head, twists his stomach and walks back in. The bartender, noticing the string, says "Hey!- aren't you that string from earlier?" The string replies "Nope, I'm afraid not."
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."
A man with one shoe walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and says "hey, what you do? Lose a shoe?"
The man looks at him and says "nope, found one."
women talk
A: Dude, Do you know why women talk less in February?
B: Nope, why?
A: Cause it has only 29 days.
The last joke my Italian grandfather told me before he passed.
Two italian soldiers are sitting on a beach in Normandy during WWII when a German submarine surfaces offshore. One Italian looks at the other and says, "Is thata UBoat?" The other Italian replies, "nope, not mine".
Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff?
Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.
Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.
The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"
The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"
The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"
A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...
The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you s**... active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't s**... active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Who do you like more, mom or dad?
A conversation I had with a friend that I wanted to share:
Me: who do you like more bro? Your mom or your dad?
Him: I don't know, I think I love them equally.
Me: Seriously? You don't have 1% more love for one or the either?
Him: nope, how about you?
Me: I'd choose your mom in an instant..
A photon walks into a Hotel
The innkeeper says, welcome! Do you have any luggage?
The photon says, "Nope, I'm traveling Light"
:D
A conceited man
And a conceited woman were having s**.... The conceited woman said "Aren't I tight?"
Conceited man said," Nope, just full,"
I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. Zulu's? He asked.
I said nope. I usually won.
I am a fried nut
A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all t**... and his ends frayed. So he walks back into the bar, and the bartender's like "HEY, ARE YOU THAT STRING FROM EARLIER?" And the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A man went to a laundry service
He drop his set of pants for dry cleaning.
As he was leaving, the clerk says "come again"
He turns around and said "Nope, this time its mayonaisse"
Two r**... are talking about their s**... lives.
"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a t**...?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.
A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove
When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.
On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?
The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?
I'm no longer calling period attitude p**......
Nope, I'm calling o**... acting.
So a blind man enters a store swinging his dog around his head
The manager approached him, cautiously asking, "Do you need help with anything?"
The man replies, "Nope, just looking around."
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.
Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.
"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.
Give up?
A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, and allows him to attain social prestige far above his station if successful enough.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Golden Toilet
Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"
Me :well, you know, change is inedible
Her : I think you mean inevitable
Me : *spitting out nickels* nope
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.
I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?
Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the f**....
