Nonsense Jokes

4 gay guys walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left.
One gay guy suggest to play rock, paper, scissors and the other gay guy says.
"Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over."

Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

My Crazy Uncle

My uncle is actually insane. He sits in the corner of the room, fidgeting and blabbering nonsense to himself all the time. My family says it all started went he "went off the deep end" 25 years ago.
Personally, I think it started much earlier…when they forgot to put water in the pool.

The Three Professors

Three professors are arguing over who is the best at teaching.
The first professor boasts, "I teach so well, my students never ask any questions. This proves they understand me immediately!"
The second professor responds, "Nonsense! I teach so well, my students never ask questions OR take notes. It's clear they remember the lesson instantly!"
The third professor grins and says, "You're both amateurs. I teach so well, my students don't even have to show up to class!"

Some people say telling a joke about chavs is as bad as racism

Nonsense chavs aren't a race. They're a subspecies

I made a Belgium waffle this morning,

This afternoon I'm going to make a Frenchman talk nonsense.

When I make you breakfast in bed, the least you can say is thank you.

I mean what's with all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense?

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n**..., and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

They say g**... destroy the very fabric of society.....

Nonsense! No gay man would ever dream of destroying fabric.

What's the difference between free college and Cee Frollege?

One of them is nonsense and the other one is Cee Frollege.

I'm certain there are female hormones in beer.

When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"

So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."

Sorry, I can't listen to your vegan nonsense right now.

I have more important things at steak.

Three blonde women stumble across some tracks...

The first one spots them in a large clearing and beckons her friends over. "Look! I think I've found some deer tracks!"
The second woman snorts. "Nonsense," she exclaims, "those look like bear tracks to me."
"Well they can't be both," says the third blonde impatiently. "So what kind of tracks are they?"
And then the train hits them.

"Nonsense" my mother replied when I told her I had a car made of tagliatelle..

You should have seen the look on her fast as I drove pasta

I passed the presidential fitness test!

It was so much easier than last time.
All I had to do was tweet some nonsense and talk about s**... harassing my classmates!

What's with this "Han shot first" nonsense?

Its pretty obvious the camera shot both of them first

A peasant had some issues with the school's teaching practices being "nonsensical".

The king told him to take it up with the minstrel of education.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Two Neanderthals were having a conversation.

N. Bob: Hey bro, why didn't you stand up to your mom? You said you wouldn't take any more of her nonsense.
N. Joe: I... I don't know. I just caved, man.

What do you call a dog that can't hear, can't see, can't smell, can't taste, and can't feel?

Nonsense!

A woman asks her friend whether she should date an anti-semite.

Friend: "He sounds really nice!"
Woman: "I know...but he's always spouting unsubstantiated, racist nonsense, marching, and carrying around some sort of sign."
Friend: "Oh, he's a Neo-n**.... That's a huge red flag."

I was kind enough to make you breakfast in bed.

If I'm kind enough to wake you up with breakfast in bed, I don't need to be hearing all this, "how'd you get into my house?," nonsense.

People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs

That's nonsense - what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Three engineers are discussing what sort of god designed the human body.

The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"
The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"
The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"
"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

What did the paper clip say?

It looks like you're writing unsubstantiated nonsense. Would you like to turn on all caps?

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks

Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!

A friend of mine told me that a mutation while making his mRNA caused a stop codon to be created in place of a regular codon.

I said, That's nonsense!

An Asian man walks into an optometrist's office

AFter testing the mans vision the doctor says to him
"Sir i belive you have a cataract"
"Nonsense" the man says "I drive a Rincoln"

Computer games are said to be a bad influence on kids.

Nonsense - my generation grew up playing Pac-Man, but did we end up dashing around dark rooms and swallowing white dots while listening to electronic music?

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

An old rabbi wants to leave the Soviet Union

So he goes to the emigration office. The clerk asks him why he wants to go.
Rabbi: There are two reasons. The first is that I'm afraid the Soviet Union will collapse someday. The people will then seek to blame someone for the crimes of Communism, and us Jews will become scapegoats once more.
Clerk: But this is nonsense, comrade. The Soviet Union can never fall.
Rabbi: Yeah, that would be the second reason.

A coworker of mine went on a nonsensical tirade today about how it was an outrage that he is paid entirely in large amounts of $100 bills.

He makes no cents.

Monty Python Funniest Joke

Wenn ist das Nunstüc**... git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Kirk and Spock were trapped on a planet and were waiting for rescue.

Kirk complained to Spock that his legs were getting tired from just standing around.
Spock said "there's a tree right there let's cut it down with our phasers and make a bench."
"You're a genius!" Exclaimed Kirk.
"Nonsense" replied Spock "it's only log-ical"

I've heard there is a guy in our block who is spying on his neighbors.

That's nonsense, I would have noticed that long ago.

When I grew up my parents always told me about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy...

Now that I'm older I don't believe in any of that made up nonsense, thank God!!!

A couple economists are strolling down the street

One looks in a store front window and says "That's a nice pair of shoes". The other replies, "Nonsense, if there was a nice pair of shoes, someone would have looted them already."

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."
"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."
The civil engineer demurs.
"God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste disposal pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"

Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your a**...."

An American explains to a Russian...

that the United States has freedom of the press, and their journalists won't get pushed out of windows, for example, if they write an article that says Donald Trump is a liar.
The Russian says that this is nonsense, because journalists in Russia can easily write an article without fear of retribution that says Donald Trump is a liar.

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"

The son of a b**...

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...
"2+5, the son of a b**... is 7"
"3+6, the son of a b**... is 9"
His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"
"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"
Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"
"Yes mom "
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a b**... is 4?"
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."
***

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

A couple is having a dinner at home.

A couple is having a dinner at home.A husband has a big piece of steak with the small piece of steak on his plate.He decided to give his wife the smaller one and he eats the bigger one.
​
The wife then remembers her past:"When we were first married,you give me the bigger steak and eat the smaller one. Now you don't love me anymore!!"
​
The husband replies:"That's nonsense darling,you cook better now!"

Doctor's consultation.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

A minister was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish.

An elderly woman of the congregation paid him the compliment of suggesting that his successor would not be as good as he had been.
Nonsense, he replied, flattered.
No, really, she insisted. * I've lived here under six different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last. *

Mom I think I'm adopted!

Mom: No you're not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?
Nathan: Well, I've just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I've got no living relatives?!
Mom: This is nonsense, let's show this to your dad…
Dad *walks in*: Well of course he's not our son, don't you remember the first night in the labour ward after you gave birth… you asked me to change him because he was crying so much? I think I picked a good one don't you?

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian...

...are in The Louvre, looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.
"Behold!" says the Englishman. "Their resolve in adversity. Their stoicism. They must be English!".
"Nonsense!" cries the Frenchman. "Look at them. They are elegant. They are poised. They are beautiful. Surely they must be French?".
The Russian is quiet for a moment. Then he speaks.
"They have no clothes. They have no shelter. They have only apple to eat between them and are being told this is paradise.
They are Russian".

Doctor, a man told his psychiatrist, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.

That's nonsense, said the psychiatrist. I like sausages myself.

You do! the man shrieked. You should come and see my collection I've got thousands!

what are your thoughts on psychedelics?

Personally, my thoughts on psychedelics are disorganized and nonsensical.

When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

Nothing looks good on me anymore, complained a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store's mirror…

Nonsense, ma'am, said the salesclerk trying to reassure her.
That dress says it all.
That's the problem, the woman replied.
I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.