nonchalantly Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nonchalantly puns

There's a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He's baffled and yells down 'WHAT are you doing?!'

The elephant nonchalantly replies 'I'm just coming up to eat oranges'. The squirrel snorts and shouts back 'you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!'

The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back 'WELL I BROUGHT MY OWN FUCKING ORANGES!'

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A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...

He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"

A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."

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A man and his wife are driving home one night...

when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.

"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."
"You must be mistaken officer, I had my seat belt on, see!"
They go back and forth about whether the seat belt was on for a few minutes, getting gradually more heated.

The cop then leans down and says to the woman "Was this man driving without his seat belt?" The woman replies "Officer, after forty years of marriage to this man, I have learned one thing. Never argue with him when he's drunk!"

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So my wife asked me yesterday "What would you do if You and I were 'Adam and Eve'?"

I replied nonchalantly, **"I'd fap and go to sleep. That would solve most problems."**

P.S: A'yup, I slept on the couch. :/

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A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.

" Hey, you just shot my waiter and didn't even pay for your meal!" screams the manager.

The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."

As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:

Panda- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.

Eats chutes and leaves.

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A panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food. Upon finishing his meal, the panda pulls out a gun from his folds and points it at the patron next to him. Before the patron or the bartender realizes what's happening, the panda pulls the trigger and gets up to leave.
What the hell are you doing?! You can't just go around shooting people!! Yells the bartender hysterically.
The panda replies over his shoulder nonchalantly, I'm a panda. I eats, shoots and leaves.

For disclaimer, this is my dad's favorite joke.

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When I was five years old...

When I was five years old, I asked my dad for a new bicycle for my birthday. He said to me, "Well is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?"

I replied, "No,"

To which he countered, "Then you can't bloody get a new bicycle."

When I was ten I really wanted a puppy for my birthday, and we'd always have the same conversation.

"Can you dick touch your bumhole?"

And I nonchalantly I replied as always, "No, it can not."

"Well then you can't bloody get a puppy!" Was the reply.

This went on for years and years. I lived a tough life throughout my childhood watching other kids playing with cool toys. Fast forward to the present, where I've won the lottery and have all the money to buy whatever toys I want. Yes I have the Transformers, iPods, puppies and all that shit.

Just the other day, my Dad came by to my place, "Son, can I have a motorbike?"

Remembering our old joke I said, "Well can your dick touch your bumhole?"

He smiled and said, "Why yes son, it can."

I replied, "Well you can go fuck yourself."

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Bamboo

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.

" Hey, you just shot my waiter!" screams the manager.

The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."

As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:

Panda\- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.

Eats shoots and leaves.

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An ex-con goes out on a date...

So an ex-con is walking around the mall with his girlfriend after dinner, when they happen across a Jewelry store. The girlfriend eyes one of the necklaces on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have a necklace like that around my neck!" Nonchalantly, the ex-con smashes the window with a brick and hands his girlfriend the necklace, saying, "Anything for my baby."

They continue walking along and soon enough happen across a high-end clothing store. The girlfriend eyes one of the dresses on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have a dress like that to wear to parties!" Nonchalantly, the ex-con smashes the window with another brick and hands his girlfriend the dress, saying, "Anything for my baby."

They continue walking along and soon enough happen across a car dealership. The girlfriend eyes one of the Mercedes on display in the window and says, "Wow, I'd sure love to have that Mercedes to drive around town in!" The ex-con pauses and replies: "What? You think I'm made out of bricks?"

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A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back. He goes back to his book. This time, the woman feels the need to speak up.

"Excuse me, sir" she says angrily. "Can you please stop taking your dick out every time you sneeze? That's disgusting!"

"Oh sorry" the man replies. "I have a condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Crickey! What do you take for that?" The woman responds

"Pepper"

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A man walks into a bar

And sees two men playing poker with a dog at the corner table.

The man, shocked by what he's seen, turns to the barman and says "holy shit, that must be a really smart dog."

The barman nonchalantly replies "you would think, but every time the fucker gets a good hand his tail starts wagging."

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So I'm standing around the coffeeshop with my hands in my pockets when...(NSFW)

So I'm standing around the coffeeshop with my hands in my pockets when this young lady says, "What are you doing? Playing pocket pool, grandpa?"
So I nonchalantly say, "Nope, what I'm playing is called elevator."
She can't help herself and shoots me a weird look and asks, "Elevator? What the hell is that?"
I reply, "Right now it's up. You wanna go down on it?"

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My buddy with a lisp just blew my mind and gut with this joke; we were at the gym and he walks up and asks nonchalantly: Is your butt thore?

Because I'll be your Ass-guardian.

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My wife made grilled cheese for dinner 4 days in a row

I come up to her and say "What's up honey, don't you have enough time to make dinner?"

She nonchalantly replies "No, I do"

Surprised, I quickly say "Then how come you're not taking the time to make a better and more nutritious dinner?"

She smirks and replies "The last 4 nights in bed, you had plenty of time, but you decided to finish quickly."

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What are the most funny Nonchalantly jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nonchalantly? Well, here are the best Nonchalantly dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nonchalantly pick up lines to share with friends.

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