non Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious non puns

If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?


My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre


I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg


I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .


My girlfriend just emailed me


Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?


How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They only *talk* about change.


Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ... The men I please are none of your damn business!


How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.



What is atheism?

A non-prophet organisation.


How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.


I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.


My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.


Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts


Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.


During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."


I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.


How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.


A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.


So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!


My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?


So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists


I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

So I just came in my pants.


how many screws hold together a lesbians bed?

None it's all tongue and groove


What kind of organization is Atheism?



This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."


How many fuq bois does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None it's always lit fam


How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.


Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.


How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. "He fell".


A little girl is with her Dad in garden...

...and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!"


Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"


"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"


A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said is it massive
Kevin replies huge
Then the bloke says how many feet
Kevin says none its a snake you twat


Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations


What are the most funny Non jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Non? Well, here are the best Non dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Non pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes