Nods Jokes
131 nods jokes and hilarious nods puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nods that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nods Short Jokes
Short nods jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nods humour may include short nodding jokes also.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?" - A lawyer walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served... - A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer." Those were his last words.
- A Greek man goes to a tailor to get some pants mended. The tailor takes one look at the pants and goes "Euripides?" The man nods. "Yeah. Eumenides?"
- Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head. Must say, I'm inclined to agree.
- A horse walks into a bar. The bartender nods at the horse and says "Hey"
The horse says "Sure, I'll have some of that" - Two men park next to each other in a parking lot. Each man eyes the others' car and nods.
"Honda, eh? Good make." says the first man.
"Agreed," said the other. "We seem to have an Accord." - A beekeeper said he wanted to train his hives to work with stitching and rope. I asked him if he really thought that would work, and he nodded and said May bee sew, may bee knot
- Two nuns are riding their bikes through a scenic cobbled street… One turns to the other smiling and asks Have you ever come this way before? The other nodded and said It's the cobblestones!
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Nods One Liners
Which nods one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nods? I can suggest the ones about nodded and agrees.
- What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
- Nodding It has its ups and downs.
- Why do ducks nod their head when they walk? They're listening to duckstep!
- I was so tired during Hunger Games, I was nodding as much as Phillip Seymour Hoffman
- I was getting a haircut. The barber asked ''Is that good?'' I nodded. It wasn't.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Nods Jokes
What funny jokes about nods you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shrugs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nods pranks.
So a man wants to buy a horse...
He sees an add in the paper (this was back when people read newspapers) for a horse. So, he goes to the seller's farm to ride the horse and see if it is a good horse.
"Now, this this horse is special," says the seller. "When you want the horse to go, you have to say 'praise the lord' and when you want the horse to stop you have to say 'amen'." The buyer, not being religious, nods but wonders if this horse is worth it.
So, as he goes to ride the horse, he says "praise the lord." The horse goes, but he wants to go faster, so he says "Praise the lord!". The horse speeds up, but he wants to go even faster, so he yells "PRAISE THE LORD!" and the horse bursts into full gallop. The man then sees a cliff in the distance. He can't remember what to say, but just as he is about to go over, he says "Amen!" and the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes his brow, sighs in relief, and says "praise the lord."
A chemist and a biologist walk into a bar...
The chemist calls over the bartender and says, "I'll have an H2O please." The bartender nods and looks at the biologist. "I'll have an H2O too."
The biologist died.
a man goes to a doctors office
to get a diagnosis from his previous checkup. the doctor says to the man "ok sir there is some bad news, we found 2 things wrong with you."
the man says "ok doc just hit me with 'em"
the doctor says "ok well, you have cancer"
*the man nods gravely
"and you have alzheimers disease"
the man then stands up smiling, happy as can be, and says "oh thanks doc, i thought you were going to tell me i had cancer!"
A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece
He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.
The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"
The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"
A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.
They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."
The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."
The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...sleep with a woman?"
The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I met a young woman at a cafe and one thing led to another and, well, yes. We had s**...."
"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "It's a heckuva lot better than bacon, isn't it?"
A priest and a rabbi are stuck in an elevator .
They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."
The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."
The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...do anything?"
The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I was feeling lonely and down and well... I m**...."
"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "Well that sure beats meat."
My favorite joke as a kid
A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck asks "Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food today?" The man, perplexed, looks at the duck and says "This is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. Go away." The duck leaves.
The duck returned to the same hardware store everyday for a week, same guy behind the counter each time. After the 9th visit, the guy gets really angry, looks at the duck and yells "LISTEN HERE YOU s**... DUCK! I DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD! NOT TODAY, OR EVER! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A HAMMER!" The duck ran out of the store.
A couple of days passed. The duck peaks his head into the store, looks around, and then enters. He walks up to the guys and asks "Excuse me sir, I noticed that you were out of hammers in isle 5. Do you have any in back?" The guy looks at the duck and says "Sure don't. Sold out this morning." The duck looks around a says "Well if that's the case... Do you by chance have any duck food?"
College
A professor tells the class that they will be performing an experiment the next day. When the students get to class, they see the professor with a large glass vase, some large rocks, some small pebbles, and some sand. The students all get seated, and the professor begins the experiment. He fills the vase with the rocks and says, "How many of you says this is full?" When half the class raises his hand, he nods, and then pours in the pebbles. "Now how many of you says this is full?" When no one else raises their hand he adds the sand and repeats the previous question. The rest of the class raises their hands. The professor then sits down to begin the rest of the class, when a student walks up with a bottle of booze that was in his backpack. He pours the booze in the vase and says to the professor "Now what does this teach you?" When the professor didn't answer the student said "There's always room for beer."
A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have s**... with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
Two Construction Workers...
are building a tower. One of them, being 15 stories up, needs a hand saw. Because the other man can't hear him, he uses sign language. He points to himself, "I," points at his knee, "need," and makes a sawing motion. To his surprise, the man at the bottom of the tower looks at him, nods, and starts m**.... The man at the top, getting very angry, comes down all 15 stories, and yells, "I asked for a hand saw! Why would you just start jacking off?!" The other man said, "I was trying to tell you - I'm Coming!"
A police officer was directing traffic.
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.
One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."
The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."
So a pirate walks into a bar..
and he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender looks at him and says, "Did you know that there's a steering wheel coming out of your c**...?" The pirate nods and says, "Arr, it's driving me nuts!"
Genie in a Bottle
A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.
The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest mansion in the world." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two mansions.
"I wish for a billion dollars." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two billion dollars.
Thinking long and hard about her last wish, the brunette finally comes to a decision. "You see that stick over there?..... Beat me HALF to death with it!"
A man is driving through the desert with a penguin in the passenger seat
His gas light comes on and he pulls off at the next fuel station to fill up. He walks inside and the clerk looks at him, then the car with the penguin sitting inside and says
"It's entirely too hot out here for a penguin! You need to take that thing to the zoo right away!"
The man nods his head in agreement and replies "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
A week passes and the man pulls into the same fuel station with the penguin sitting comfortably in the passenger seat again.
The man walks inside and the clerk angrily says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" The man looks at the clerk and calmly replies "Yeah I did! We had a wonderful time!"
A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon
... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.
The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.
The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"
A homeless man walks by a bar...
He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".
Grocery Economics
A man and his economist friend are having lunch.
the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."
The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."
Sven walks into a bar...
... and sees his friend Bjorn sitting alone at a table. He orders a v**..., and sits down opposite him. Bjorn looks up and nods. Sven nods back.
They sit like this, not speaking, for hours, waving to the barman when more v**... is required.
Eventually Sven says, "Snow again."
Bjorn replies, "Look, if you're going to chat all night, then I'm going to have to find another bar."
Elderly Woman and Her Cat
An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
Raisin bread
A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A plane is going to c**......
The passengers on board know they only have a few minutes left to live and one woman stands up from her chair and calls out to everyone. "We're all going to die...but before we do, is there anyone on board who can make me feel like a woman?"
A young handsome man rises up from his seat with a look of strong determination and nods with certainty. "Of course, I can!" And he pulls his shirt off at once.
He holds it out to her and says "Here, iron this!"
I psych student posted this joke on Facebook and I don't get it, can someone explain?
Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"
Engineers
Two engineering students are walking along and the first engineering student asks, "Hey where did you get the new bike?". The second engineering student replies, "It was the craziest day, there I am headed to class and all of a sudden this hot girl rides up to me with the bike. Then she throws the bike down, takes all her clothes off and says 'Take what you want!'". The first engineering student nods his head and says, "Smart choice, there's no way those clothes would've fit".
Greek Tailor's Shop
A Greek man walks into a Greek tailor shop holding a pair of jeans.
The blind old tailor squints at him. "Euripedes?"
The man nods and holds up the pants. "Eumenedes?"
A police officer knocks on a man's door.
The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.
"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.
The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."
" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"
A preist, a monk, and a rabbi are sitting on a boat...
The monk says "oh right I forgot something back at the dock" and then proceeds to run across the water to the dock and back. The priest is astonished at the powers of Buddhism and the rabbi simply nods. hours later the rabbi needs to use the restroom and proceeds to follow in the monks suit running across water to reach the bathroom. At this point the priest it blown away the powers of these two holy men, the priest then needs to use the restroom, he offers a prayer to god and leaps off the boat... Splash he falls right in. Undeterred he tries again and again prayer after prayer. hours later the priest gives up soaked and exhausted, defeated he begins to s**.... Seeing this the rabbi leans over to the monk and whispers " you did tell him about the rocks right?"
Two american tourists are having lunch at a McDonald's in Leicester square
They are arguing how to pronounce Leicester. To solve their dispute, they decide to walk up to the counter and ask the cashier.
"Excuse me ma'am, but can you tell me where we are? But can you pronounce it slowly, as you see, we're not from around here."
The cashier nods and says "Mic...don...alds"
A man was overly excited to fly for the first time...
As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again.
Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!"
The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."
A Mexican guy goes looking for a job
He finds one that he's interested in and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says "Fine I'll hire you, but only if you can make a full sentence out of three words I give you." The man nods ok. "The words are- Green, Pink and Yellow." The guy thinks for a second and says ok. "The phone goes green green so I pink it up and say yellow!
A pirate goes to the doctor
A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."
The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"
A truck driver stops at a gas station with a penguin in the passenger seat.
The owner from the gas station asks where the penguin comes from.
"I found him on the highway, what should I do?", the driver replies.
- "You have to take him to the zoo!"
The truck driver nods and drives away.
3 days later the truck driver came to the gas station again. Surprised, the owner asks him:
"I thought you were going to take him to the zoo?"
- "I did, and tonight we're going to the movies!"
A bear goes into a bar
walks up to the counter and blops down, doesn't say a word and after a while the bartender asks "what'll it be bud?"
The bear looks up from the counter and yes, "I think ill have..." and after 10 seconds goes, "a gin and tonic"
bartender nods and says, " well alright, but whats up with the pause."
Bear looks down and says, "what these? had em for years"
A drunken bearded man is stumbling around outside a bar . . .
"I'm Jesus Christ! I am Jesus Christ!" He's yelling. No one bothers with him as he paces around waving his arms. Finally a man walks up, "I'm Jesus Christ" he yells at the man. "Ok" says the man "prove it and I'll give you 10 dollars." So the drunk nods and walks into the bar. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" Says the bartender, "not you again!"
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
When you get old, your hearing starts to go...
Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."
An attractive student goes up to her young professor...
and she says to him "I want an A for this semester!"
He says "No."
She then says "Please... I will do *anything* to get an A..."
The professor's expression softens. "Anything...?"
The student nods.
The professor says "So would you like to... study?"
A dog walks into this bar..
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Cemetery joke
Man walks into a cemetery- "You have any openings?" The graves keeper nods "Lots!"
Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison
'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.
'To kill my husband!'
'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'
As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is Mrs. Smith's husband, while the woman is the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist picks up the picture and nods:
'Excuse my mistake, I didn't know you had a prescription.'
Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven.
However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating. St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven." The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get into heaven? All she did was pee!" St. Peter says, "A flush always beats any pair."
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
A cop pulls a driver over for speeding
The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."
The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"
"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"
"Did you catch *all* the fish?"
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Wife is in hospital with unknown condition
So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.
'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have s**... with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.
Husband nods and goes back to his wife.
'Honey, what did the doctor say? ' wife is anxious to find out.
'He said you're going to die soon'...
A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce
at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a p**... My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.
"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."
The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
Dinner
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...
They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a b**... somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"
An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".
After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.
"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.
"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."
The granddaughter nods "mm-hmm" and begins typing:
"Pie-romancer."
A dog walks into a bar...
Bartender nods and says, "Hey dog, haven't seen you in a while, how are things going?"
Dog looks at him sadly and replies, "Ruff."
A woman walks into a convenience store...
"I need four D batteries," she says.
The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"
A man tries to get into a club
The bouncer says, "I'd like to see your id"
The man replies, "I want to drink until I black out and screw anything that walks."
The bouncer nods his head respectively, "and your superego?"
"Ill have a few drinks and get a ride home."
Cred to C&H
Two nuns are out for a stroll...
... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
Four football players are stranded on a deserted island
One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.
"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The second footballer nods in agreement, "I'm from Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The third footballer frowns. "Well lads," he sighs, "I play for Arsenal... but I'm not hungry."
An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle
Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor.
After several hours in the waiting room, they're called in.
"Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"
The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control."
"Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be s**... active!"
"s**... active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"
The beautiful wife
One day a man walks up to his wife with a question. "Honey, why are you both so beautiful and so s**...?"
She responds: "Well, god made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me."
The man nods.
"And he made me so s**... so that I would be attracted to you."
A speech to remember
The pope and Donald Trump are addressing the United States and a large crowd of people is in front of them. The Pope turns to Mr. Trump and says With one wave of my hand I can make all of these people love me forever.
Mr. Trump says. No, I don't think you could.
The Pope then asks, Should I show you? And Trump nods.
The pope then raises his hand and backhands Trump. The entire crowd cheers.
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
Little Mikey
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, That's i**..., my boy.
-
OK, nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, Grandpa, that's not right. I've just spoken to mom and she said that it's not called i**... but a bunk bed!
A man stands up at a f**...
and says to the priest, 'Excuse me, Father... I knew the deceased. Would you mind if I said a quick word?'
The priest nods him on, so the man clears his t**..., pauses for a moment, and says, 'Plethora', before sitting back down.
The widow goes back to the man, gives him a hug and says, 'Thank you. That means a lot.'
A hot woman goes up to a guy at the bar and asks "Are you the manager?"
He smiles and says "yep"
She puts her arm around him and says "so it's your job to take care of this place"
"uh huh"
She sticks her fingers in his mouth and whispers in his hear "can I tell you a dirty little secret?"
He emphatically nods whiles mumbling "yes"
"There's no toilet paper in the ladies room"
A cop pulls over a speeding driver...
"Do you know why I pulled the over?" The cop asks the driver. The driver responds: "yeah I was going a little fast there." The cop nods and says "well I'm in a good mood today so if you give me a good reason for why you're speeding, I'll let you go ." The man thinks for a second and then says: "my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago, and when I saw the red lights flashing, I thought he was trying to give her back."
Homework
A boy comes home from school and finds his dad.
"For homework, I need to learn the difference between theory and reality."
The dad thinks for a second and says, "Okay. Go find your mother, and ask her if she'd have s**... with a stranger for $500,000.00"
The boy runs off and comes back a minute later. "She said she would."
"Okay," the dad says. "Now go find your sister and ask her the same question."
The boy does. "She said she'd have to think about it, but she probably would."
The dad nods. "Okay. Now...in THEORY...we're sitting on a million bucks here. But in REALITY...we're living with a couple of w**...."
Independence day.
Doctor: would you say you are independent?
Me: *looks over to mom*
Mom: *nods*
Me: yes, I am.
A father and a mother have three children. One day the first child comes up and says...
"Father. Mother. Why is my name Rose?"
And the Father says, "When you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." The child nods and goes away the second oldest then starts wondering about her name so she goes up to her father.
"Father why is my name Raina?"
"Because when you were born a rain drop fell on your head."
Then the third child comes up. "Ruuuuhhhhh hahdiehakidonw"
"SHUT UP, BRICK!!!!!"
Glasgow boys
Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock.
'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church,
the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…'
Archie nods approvingly.
h**..., I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.
'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what's the tartin?'
'Ach,' says Jock, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'
A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary.
They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.
He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!"
She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago."
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
A blind guy walls in to a bar
He asks the bartender if he has a menu in braille, the bartender nods and places it in front of him.
Eventually the blind guy gets fed up and leaves.
A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...
A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.
"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "
The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"
The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning.
At the end of the day, the little boy shows the cheesemaker his fine work. The cheesemaker, approving of the poor boy's efforts, hands him a pound of Swiss cheese.
"But I said I would clean your shop for a pound of cheddar!" protested the boy.
And the cheesemaker replies, "And I thaid for thwith."
A guy goes into a bar for a drink
He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "
He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"
She nods "anything!"
He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to her. Then he says "paint my house."
A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar
It takes 3 hours to drive across my land
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
I used to have a truck like that.
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel? He nods.
Here in Russia, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Blackbeard goes into a bank...
Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says
"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."
Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.
"The standard rate? What's that mean?"
"3.14%. You know...the Pi Rate."
