nods Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nods puns

Wife: You're shirtless?

(husband nods)

Wife: And covered in...oil?

-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?

Wife: Listen. You never listen.

-Oh

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"

The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar...

And sees a beautiful woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $1.50"

and

"Handjob: $10"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Do *you* give the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece

He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer

The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cop pulls over a man with 16 penguins in his car.

The cop says, "what the hell are you doing!? Are these your penguins?"

The man nods and the cop says, "Well take them to the zoo right this instant!" And the man drives off.

The next day the same cop sees the same man driving the same car with the same 16 penguins and again the cop pulls the man over.

"I told you yesterday to take these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did," says the man. "And today we're going to the beach!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says Look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. The son nods. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human.


But dad, why can't we just go eat them human the first time?


Well, you can but why would you want to eat it when it's still full of shit?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The beautiful wife

One day a man walks up to his wife with a question. "Honey, why are you both so beautiful and so stupid?"

She responds: "Well, god made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me."

The man nods.

"And he made me so stupid so that I would be attracted to you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A homeless man walks by a bar...

He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.

The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."

The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.


"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...

and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have sex with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was overly excited to fly for the first time...

As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again.

Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!"

The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A police officer knocks on a man's door.

The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods.

"May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf.

The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train."

" I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When you get old, your hearing starts to go...

Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old man driving alone

An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man stands up at a funeral

and says to the priest, 'Excuse me, Father... I knew the deceased. Would you mind if I said a quick word?'

The priest nods him on, so the man clears his throat, pauses for a moment, and says, 'Plethora', before sitting back down.

The widow goes back to the man, gives him a hug and says, 'Thank you. That means a lot.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A police officer was directing traffic.

A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two guys.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.

The bartender says : "Hey pirate, you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants."

The pirate nods and says : "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two cows are out grazing in a pasture.

One turns to the other and says, "Have you heard about this mad cow disease that's going around? Its pretty scary stuff."

The other cow nods and chews its cud thoughtfully. "I suppose it is pretty scary, but it doesn't affect us ducks."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a Bus Full of Nuns is Driving Through The Mountains. . .

When suddenly the driver nods off, and they careen over the edge of a cliff plummeting to their deaths.

When they open their eyes, infront of them stand the majestic pearly gates, and Sainst peter sitting at a desk waiting.

"Okay ladies, listen up, I need to ask each of you a question, and then you'll be allowed in."

So all the nuns form a line and Peter asks the first; "Sister Mary. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Shocked, the sister doesn't reply at first, but Peter assures her it's no big deal either way.

"Well, there was this *one* time, but only for a second, and only with one hand, I swear!"

"No problem sister, just dip you hand in this bucket of holy water, and you'll be allowed in."

He goes to the next and ask; "Sister Beth, what about you? Have you ever touched a penis?"

"Yes, but I was young and naive, I gave a boy a handjob in highschool, but only for a second!"

"No problem sister, just wash your hands in this holy water, and you'll be allowed in!"

At this point, there is some commotion in the back of the line, and Peter notices another nun pushing her way to the front.

"Sister Agnes, there is no need to push, everyone will get in after I talk to them"

To which she responds, "Well if I have to gargle it, I sure don't want to do it after Sister Candice dips her ass in it. . . "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old couple is sitting on the porch...

Suddenly the wife stands up and knocks her husband off his seat. The old man gets up and asks, "What was that for?!"
She replies, "Fifty years of bad sex."
Her husband nods, sits back down, and they continue sitting there for a while.
All of the sudden the man stands up and slaps the shit out of his wife.
Stunned she asks, "Why did you do that?!"
"That's for knowing the difference."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a grocer is restocking the vegetables...

When a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks "Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?" Confused, the grocer says "Well ma'am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow." The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks "Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?" The grocer looks at her angrily and says "Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?" The woman replies "D-O-G" "Okay" says the grocer. "Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?" "C-A-T" says the woman. "Perfect" the grocer replies. "Now how do you spell fuck, like in broccoli?" Confused, the woman says "But, there is no fuck in broccoli." The grocer says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE'S NO FUCKIN' BROCCOLI!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..

When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW)

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench...

First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!"

Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to when I was a young man."

Third old man shrugs and says, "Well, fellas I gotta say...every morning - regular - right at 6 o'clock - I take a nice, long piss. And every morning at 7:00 - like clockwork - I take a really big healthy shit...

I sure wish I could wake up before eight."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.

"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "

The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"

The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning.

At the end of the day, the little boy shows the cheesemaker his fine work. The cheesemaker, approving of the poor boy's efforts, hands him a pound of Swiss cheese.

"But I said I would clean your shop for a pound of cheddar!" protested the boy.

And the cheesemaker replies, "And I thaid for thwith."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp

An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"

Irishman says "I want to live forever"

Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"

Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"

Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"

Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little boy and his Grandpa go fishing

A little boy and his Grandfather go fishing on a quiet little lake. After a few hours of fishing the Grandfather leans forward and pulls a beer from the cooler. The little boy asks, "Grandpa can I have one of those?" When the Grandfather replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" When the little boy nods his head and says no the Grandfather proclaims, "Then you can't have one." An hour or so goes by and the Grandfather pulls out a cigar and lights it up only for the little boy to repeat his question. "Grandpa can I have one of those?" "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Another disappointed look and a nod of the head from the little boy to Grandfather's response "then you can't have one." When they arrive home Grandma already has dinner made and they all sit down to eat. After dinner when watching tv Grandma comes out to the living room with a full plate of cookies and explains to the little boy she made them just for him. Grandpa leans over and says, "hey can I have one of those?" The little boy asks, "can your dick touch your asshole?" The Grandfather nods his head, smiles, and says yes. To the Grandfather's surprise the little boy replies "good then go FUCK YOURSELF because Grandma made them for me!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Nods jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nods? Well, here are the best Nods dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nods pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes