Nods Jokes
131 nods jokes and hilarious nods puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nods that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nods Short Jokes
Short nods jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nods humour may include short agrees jokes also.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - A lawyer walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served... - A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer." Those were his last words.
- Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head. Must say, I'm inclined to agree.
- Two men park next to each other in a parking lot. Each man eyes the others' car and nods.
"Honda, eh? Good make." says the first man.
"Agreed," said the other. "We seem to have an Accord." - A beekeeper said he wanted to train his hives to work with stitching and rope. I asked him if he really thought that would work, and he nodded and said May bee sew, may bee knot
- A dog walks into a bar... Bartender nods and says, "Hey dog, haven't seen you in a while, how are things going?"
Dog looks at him sadly and replies, "Ruff." - A kid comes up to a bus and the driver asks him if he has the money to ride.
The kid pulls a few coins out of his pocket. "Is this good?"
The driver nods. "Fare enough." - A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar It takes 3 hours to drive across my land
The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:
I used to have a truck like that. - Independence day. Doctor: would you say you are independent?
Me: *looks over to mom*
Mom: *nods*
Me: yes, I am.
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Nods One Liners
Which nods one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nods? I can suggest the ones about shrugs and sighs.
- What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
- Nodding It has its ups and downs.
- Why do ducks nod their head when they walk? They're listening to duckstep!
- I was so tired during Hunger Games, I was nodding as much as Phillip Seymour Hoffman
- I was getting a haircut. The barber asked ''Is that good?'' I nodded. It wasn't.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Nods Jokes
What funny jokes about nods you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean growls jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nods pranks.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
Wow, that's amazing! the doctor says.
Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nods…
I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.
No, from skipping, replied the blonde.
So a man wants to buy a horse...
He sees an add in the paper (this was back when people read newspapers) for a horse. So, he goes to the seller's farm to ride the horse and see if it is a good horse.
"Now, this this horse is special," says the seller. "When you want the horse to go, you have to say 'praise the lord' and when you want the horse to stop you have to say 'amen'." The buyer, not being religious, nods but wonders if this horse is worth it.
So, as he goes to ride the horse, he says "praise the lord." The horse goes, but he wants to go faster, so he says "Praise the lord!". The horse speeds up, but he wants to go even faster, so he yells "PRAISE THE LORD!" and the horse bursts into full gallop. The man then sees a cliff in the distance. He can't remember what to say, but just as he is about to go over, he says "Amen!" and the horse stops right at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes his brow, sighs in relief, and says "praise the lord."
A chemist and a biologist walk into a bar...
The chemist calls over the bartender and says, "I'll have an H2O please." The bartender nods and looks at the biologist. "I'll have an H2O too."
The biologist died.
A Guy Walks Into A Tailor In Ancient Greece
He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.
The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"
The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"
An arab guy walks into a bra store owned by a Jewish guy on a sunday afternoon...
The arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra it's really starting to get polular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The arab guy nods and says "sure I'll buy 100."
The next sunday the arab guy comes back to bra shop and looks around and finds another bra he likes. The Jewish guy smiles and thinks he's gonna try to mark up the price. He goes up the the arab guy and says "Thats a great lace bra. Its imported from Italy its very popular and worn by a bunch of celebrities. They go for 60$ per bra" The arab guy nods and says "sure Ill buy 150 of them."
The sunday after that the arab guy comes back to the bra shop and finds another bra. The jewish guy gets excited and thinks 'im gonna get him this time' and says " This is our brand new silk bra imported from France. Only the finest materials used and its extremely comfortable. I can sell you these for 80$ each" The arab guy nods and says "ill take 200 of them"
They go to the counter and the Jewish guy get curious so he asks "If i may ask you a question, What are you doing with all these bras?" the Arab guy smiles and says "I cut them in half and sell them as Yamaka's for 200 a piece!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.
They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."
The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."
The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...sleep with a woman?"
The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I met a young woman at a cafe and one thing led to another and, well, yes. We had s**...."
"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "It's a heckuva lot better than bacon, isn't it?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a rabbi are stuck in an elevator .
They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."
The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."
The priest nods, empathetically. The rabbi then asks the priest a question. "Did you ever...you know...do anything?"
The priest replied, "Yes, in a period of weakness during my first year in seminary. I was feeling lonely and down and well... I m**...."
"I see," the rabbi nodded, knowingly, before adding. "Well that sure beats meat."
The Nun and her Abbess
A Nun was living in an abbey and had taken a vow of silence. After living there for a year the Abbess calls her to her office and says.
"You have been silent for one year now. I lift your vow so that you may speak one sentence."
the Nun thinks for a moment and says.
"My floor is too cold"
The Abbess nods and thanks the Nun letting her get back to her duties. Another year goes by and again the Abbess summons the Nun to her office.
"You have lived, and worked among us for two years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak two sentences."
again the Nun thinks, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup."
Once more the Abbess thanks the Nun and ushers her out of the office. once again another year rolls around and for the third time the Abbess summons the Nun into her office.
"You have lived, worked, and prayed, among us for three years now. I lift your vow of silence so that you may speak three sentences."
The Nun thinks really hard for a few moments, then says.
"My floor is too cold. I don't like the soup. and, the halls are too dusty."
The Abbess takes a hard look at the Nun and says.
"That is it. I have had enough. You must leave this place tonight. three years here and all you have ever done is complain."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 holy men are praying in the synagogue
filled with piety, one throws himself to his knees, looks up to the sky, and shouts, "oh Lord, despite all my good works, before you I am nothing, nothing!" the other nods solemnly, climbs to his knees and says "riches and honors in this life are but dust before you. Oh Lord, I too am nothing, NOTHING before thee!"
A janitor in the back of the synagogue observes this and his piety is stirred. He too throws himself on the floor and shouts "Lord, I am nothing, I am nothing!"
The two holy men glance over at the janitor, then at each other, and one says to the other - under his breath: "well, well - look who think's he's nothing!"
College
A professor tells the class that they will be performing an experiment the next day. When the students get to class, they see the professor with a large glass vase, some large rocks, some small pebbles, and some sand. The students all get seated, and the professor begins the experiment. He fills the vase with the rocks and says, "How many of you says this is full?" When half the class raises his hand, he nods, and then pours in the pebbles. "Now how many of you says this is full?" When no one else raises their hand he adds the sand and repeats the previous question. The rest of the class raises their hands. The professor then sits down to begin the rest of the class, when a student walks up with a bottle of booze that was in his backpack. He pours the booze in the vase and says to the professor "Now what does this teach you?" When the professor didn't answer the student said "There's always room for beer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar...
... they sit at the bar and order whiskey.
The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. "In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"
The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and shoots it with his six-shooter. "Same in New Zealand. So many glasses, we don't dare drink out of the same one twice."
The Australian looks at them both, downs his shot, pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi dead. "Too many Kiwi's in Australia, we don't drink with the same one twice."
Two men are standing on the pavement...
Two men are standing on the pavement smoking cigarettes. The first man turns to the other and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?" The second man responds, "One is for me and the other is in honor of my brother who is in jail." The first man nods his understanding and leaves to get on with his day.
Two weeks later the first man walks past the second man and sees he is only smoking one cigarette. Excited he asks him, "Is your brother out of jail?" The second man looks at him in a dejected way and replies, "No, I just quit smoking."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are talking about their relationship...
and the wife suggests they each pick one person that they can have s**... with without the other getting mad. The husband agrees and lets the wife go first. She thinks about it for a bit and settles on Brad Pitt. The husband nods his head and says "The neighbor."
A Texan and a New Yorker are sitting in a bar.
The Texan, feeling boastful, says, "Back home in Texas, I can get in my truck at sunup and drive a straight shot until sundown without reaching the edge of my property."
The New Yorker nods sympathetically and replies, "Yeah. I had a car like that once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Construction Workers...
are building a tower. One of them, being 15 stories up, needs a hand saw. Because the other man can't hear him, he uses sign language. He points to himself, "I," points at his knee, "need," and makes a sawing motion. To his surprise, the man at the bottom of the tower looks at him, nods, and starts m**.... The man at the top, getting very angry, comes down all 15 stories, and yells, "I asked for a hand saw! Why would you just start jacking off?!" The other man said, "I was trying to tell you - I'm Coming!"
A police officer was directing traffic.
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
A bear and a rabbit
So a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods one day. Just as the bear was about to get the rabbit, they stumble over a lamp, and a genie pops out.
They genie tells them that since they both found him, they both get three wishes. He asks the bear for his first wish.
"I want to be the most handsome bear in the world." The genie nods his head, and the wish was granted. He turns to the rabbit.
"I would like a helmet." The genie nods, and a small rabbit-sized helmet appears on his head.
"I wish that only the most beautiful women bears lived in these woods.", said the bear, and with a nod of the genie's head, it was granted.
"I would like a motorcycle." says the rabbit, and a rabbit-sized motor cycle appears next to him.
"For my final wish, I wish that there were no other male bears for hundred of miles of here." said the bear, smiling with the genius of his plan. The genie nods, the wish is granted, and he looks at the rabbit one last time.
The rabbit hopped on his motorcycle, revved the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay." and drove off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A captain is sent to a new company....
A sergeant shows him around. He points to the firing range and says, " This is where the men practice their shooting. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". The captain nods, then the sergeant points to the cafeteria and says, " This is where the men eat. It's also a great way to get rid of stress". After most of the tour is done, the captain notices a camel tied to a post. He asks " What's that camel for?" the sergeant answers " Well the men use to the camel to g.. " The captain interrupts him and says, " I get it, to get rid of stress, that's a bit disgusting if you ask me." The sergeant then brings him to his office, finishing the tour. A few months pass by, and the captain is getting s**... frustrated, he asked the sergeant to bring the camel in his office. He then proceeds to have s**... with the camel the best way he could. When he was done he looks at the sergeant, who had a look of surprise in his eyes, and says "What? you never seen any of the men do this before?". The sergeant simply answers " Well, usually the men use the camel to go to town and find a h**.... It's great way to get rid of stress".
Pet-store parrots.
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot, he sees 3 next to each other. He goes to the cashier and says, "How much for the first parrot on the left?" the cashier replies "2000$" " 2000$! What can it do for that price?" "It can write and take notes" the owner says. The man nods and asks the price of the second parrot, "5000$" What can that one do? The man asks again. "Oh that one can use the computer and send emails." The man nods again, "Ok how about the last one?" "The last one? 10,000$." The mans jaw drops. "What can that one do?" The pet store owner shrugs and says "I don't have a clue but the other two call him boss."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Genie in a Bottle
A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.
The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest mansion in the world." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two mansions.
"I wish for a billion dollars." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two billion dollars.
Thinking long and hard about her last wish, the brunette finally comes to a decision. "You see that stick over there?..... Beat me HALF to death with it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The hippy and the nun
A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have s**... with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have s**... with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus.
At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and starts praying. Then, th hippy stands up and says "I command you to have s**... with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment.
Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!"
A man is driving through the desert with a penguin in the passenger seat
His gas light comes on and he pulls off at the next fuel station to fill up. He walks inside and the clerk looks at him, then the car with the penguin sitting inside and says
"It's entirely too hot out here for a penguin! You need to take that thing to the zoo right away!"
The man nods his head in agreement and replies "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
A week passes and the man pulls into the same fuel station with the penguin sitting comfortably in the passenger seat again.
The man walks inside and the clerk angrily says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" The man looks at the clerk and calmly replies "Yeah I did! We had a wonderful time!"
A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon
... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.
The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.
The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"
A brunette, redhead, and blonde are all trapped on a deserted island.
They come across a lamp half buried in the sand, brush it off, and upon rubbing it, a genie comes out.
"I will grant you each one wish," exclaims the genie.
The brunette steps up, "I wish to be back home with my family."
"Very well," says the genie. He snaps his fingers and the brunette disappears.
The redhead agrees, "I, too, wish to be back home with my family."
The genie nods, and snaps his fingers.
This leaves the blonde.
The genie turns to her and waits.
The blonde cries, "Well I'm all alone now.. I wish for my friends back!"
A homeless man walks by a bar...
He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".
Grocery Economics
A man and his economist friend are having lunch.
the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."
The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sven walks into a bar...
... and sees his friend Bjorn sitting alone at a table. He orders a v**..., and sits down opposite him. Bjorn looks up and nods. Sven nods back.
They sit like this, not speaking, for hours, waving to the barman when more v**... is required.
Eventually Sven says, "Snow again."
Bjorn replies, "Look, if you're going to chat all night, then I'm going to have to find another bar."
Elderly Woman and Her Cat
An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."
A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,
and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.
The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.
The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.
"Nope" says Joe.
The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"
"No" says Joe.
The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"
"A puppy."
4 explorers find land north of the United States
4 explorers find land north of the United States, and decide to claim it as their own. They make a simple flag out of some leaves and stick it in the ground.
"Looks great, eh?" An explorer says.
A second explorer agrees. "Yeah, it's perfect! We can call it the official flag of... um..."
"...We need a name for this place, eh?" A third explorer says.
Everyone else nods in agreement. They start thinking of names for their new land, but can't really find one they like.
"How about this?" An explorer says. "We can write down some letters and throw them in a hat, then pick some at random and see if that helps."
The other explorers agree. "Sure, why not." "I suppose it can't hurt." "Worth a shot, eh?" So they write down some letters and throw them in a hat. Three explorers pick a letter at random, while the fourth one grabs some more writing supplies.
"Okay, what did you all get?"
"I got a 'C', eh?"
"I got a 'N', eh?"
"I got a 'D', eh?"
And so the new land was named, "CANADA".
Horse in a bar.
A horse stumbles into a bar and without pause goes to the bartender. The bartender looks up from cleaning the counter and nods to the horse and motions for him to take a stool.
The horse does so, but decides to remain where he is anyway, so the bartender asks him 'What will it be?'
The horse ponders this for a moment, snuffles at the bartenders hair, and finally whinnies as he makes his selection.
"A shot and a fifth of whiskey, please."
The bartender raises an eyebrow before figuring it out, and calmly reaches under the bar, pulls out a rifle and shoots the horse, who dies on the spot.
The bartender stows the rifle, much to the awe of the other patrons, and proceeds to take a pull directly from a bottle of whiskey before applauding.
One of the regulars waves the bartender over, confusion evident on his face, and asks the bartender what that was all about, to which the bartender replies,
"Oh, he wanted to be an actor so he could pretend to be human, so they told him to break a leg. Fool horse should have known better."
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
Raisin bread
A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's starting to twitch."
A man is busy at work and forgets that it is his wife's birthday...
When he gets home, his wife is completely enraged. "I DEMAND THAT YOU GET ME SOMETHING THAT CAN GO FROM 0-200 IN 5 SECONDS OR LESS!". The man cowers under his wife and nods his head.
The next morning the man leaves early for work and puts a small package on the driveway. When his wife wakes up, she looks outside and sees the package. Confused, she grabs her coat and runs outside. She rips up the paper, expecting to see keys, but instead there is a weight scale.
The man has been missing for several days.
Old man driving alone
An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A man visits a doctor...
He complains about chest pains. The doctor nods and asks him to wait. The doctor excuses himself for a moment and returns with a labrador. The dog sniffs the man, licks him and is the taken away by the doctor. The doctor now returns with a cat , it licks the man and scratches him with its paws. Its then taken away. The man is now confused. Meanwhile the doctor returns.
And says "That would $500."
The man was now furious and said "But for what I have only been here for a few minutes and you haven't even checked me up , all you did was fool around with a cat and a dog".
To which the doctor replies "But sir its for the LAB test and the CAT scan."
I psych student posted this joke on Facebook and I don't get it, can someone explain?
Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"
An American couple are on holiday traveling through Wales
On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town's name.
They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? The Cashier nods.
Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?
The cashier leans over the counter and says, Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.
Two american tourists are having lunch at a McDonald's in Leicester square
They are arguing how to pronounce Leicester. To solve their dispute, they decide to walk up to the counter and ask the cashier.
"Excuse me ma'am, but can you tell me where we are? But can you pronounce it slowly, as you see, we're not from around here."
The cashier nods and says "Mic...don...alds"
A young man enters a monastery high in the mountains.
The monastery practices a strict code of silence as a test of discipline. Each year, before renewing their sacred vows of silence, the monks may say only two words to the friar.
At the end of his first year, the man says: "Food's bland!" The friar nods and blesses him.
At the end of the second year, he says: "Bed's cold!" The friar nods and blesses him once more.
On his third year, he says: "I quit!" The friar nods and says:
"Go ahead! You've been here for three years and you've done nothing but complain!"
Three boys are sitting across from an exotic car dealership...
Admiring the cars, when a genie pops out of the sewer and offers them each a wish.
The first boy says, "I want a Porsche!"
The genie nods and a brand new Porsche appears in the road. The kid gets in and drives off.
The second boy says, "I want a Rolls Royce!"
Again, the genie nods and a shiny new Rolls appears. The kid jumps in the car and drives away.
The last kid thinks about it for a minute. He finally looks up and says, "I want my body entirely covered in hair."
The genie nods and every inch of the kid is suddenly covered in hair.
Feeling a bit confused by the last request, the genie asks the kid, "Why do you want to be covered in hair?"
The kid holds his hands up with his fingers making a small circle. "Well, my sister only has a patch this big, and she has both of those cars!"
A Mexican guy goes looking for a job
He finds one that he's interested in and asks the owner to hire him. The owner says "Fine I'll hire you, but only if you can make a full sentence out of three words I give you." The man nods ok. "The words are- Green, Pink and Yellow." The guy thinks for a second and says ok. "The phone goes green green so I pink it up and say yellow!
A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....
He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"
The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."
The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"
"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."
The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"
"Rustling."
So this guy is really drunk
So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide him to the door, and he just keeps falling down. This happens all the way to the car. Anyway, I get him in the car, and I ask him where he lives, he points and I follow his directions. He finally says, here. So I get out, go around and open his door and try to extract him out of my car, and he just can't walk, keeps stumbling and falling down, I'm doing my best to guide and help him but he just keeps falling down and hitting his head and stuff. I finally get him to his door and I ring the bell. A lady answers, presumably his wife and I say, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband is really drunk, so I drove him home", she says, "Yeah, Yeah, thanks, but where's his wheelchair?"
A pirate goes to the doctor
A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."
The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Princess Frog
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great s**... for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great s**... for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great s**... for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for s**....... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A truck driver stops at a gas station with a penguin in the passenger seat.
The owner from the gas station asks where the penguin comes from.
"I found him on the highway, what should I do?", the driver replies.
- "You have to take him to the zoo!"
The truck driver nods and drives away.
3 days later the truck driver came to the gas station again. Surprised, the owner asks him:
"I thought you were going to take him to the zoo?"
- "I did, and tonight we're going to the movies!"
Old Lady Laughing at The Dentist.
An old lady went in for her dental appointment and was real nervous so the dentist tries to calm her down with an interesting fact.
Dentist:"Did you know the way they used to make latex gloves is they had the factory workers stick their hands in Vats of Latex?"
The old lady nods in amusement and minutes later starts giggling.
Dentist: "What is so funny?"
Old Lady:" I was just thinking about how they used to make condoms."
(Unoriginal Joke heard on the streets).
Two men are at a bar... (best read out loud)
Two men are at a bar with some friends. One man says to the other, who has a stutter, "hey, Mule. How agout you get us another beer?" 'Mule' nods and scurries to the bar.
He says to the tender, "an-an-ano-another round, please." The bartender raises an eyebrow, after hearing how he's treated by his friend. The tender fills up the beers and puts them on the tray.
About a half-hour later, the guy says, "Oi, Mule. How about some more booze?" Once again, Mule nods and scurries to the bar.
Before he can say a word, the bartender says, "listen, I can't help but notice how he speaks to you. Doesn't that nickname bother you at all?"
To which he replies, "He aw- he aw- he always calls me that."
A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.
As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy cause. I will donate a large sum of money toward this clinic of yours."
The engineer says "Couldn't these guys play at night?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
When you get old, your hearing starts to go...
Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday."
The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."
A dog walks into this bar..
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
Two mathematicians walk into a bar...
and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"
She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."
Cemetery joke
Man walks into a cemetery- "You have any openings?" The graves keeper nods "Lots!"
Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison
'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.
'To kill my husband!'
'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'
As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is Mrs. Smith's husband, while the woman is the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist picks up the picture and nods:
'Excuse my mistake, I didn't know you had a prescription.'
Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven.
However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating. St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven." The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get into heaven? All she did was pee!" St. Peter says, "A flush always beats any pair."
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
A cop pulls a driver over for speeding
The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."
The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"
"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"
"Did you catch *all* the fish?"
There's a man, ranting, raving, and waving a bell around Times Square...
There's a man, ranting, raving, and waving a bell around Times Square, shouting at the top of his lungs. A police officer notices him from a fair distance.
Seeing that the man is scaring everyone around him, the officer runs all the way up to the man, and shouts, "Hey, what do you think your doing?"
"Scaring off tigers." He replies.
"Are you insane? There aren't any tigers for thousands of miles."
The man nods satisfactorily, "You're welcome."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Biology Lesson
Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"
Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will report you to the Dean."
Dr Adams just nods and says, "Miss Conrad, same question."
Miss Conrad stands and says, "The pupil of the eye, under dim light."
Dr Adams nods again and says "Correct, full marks for Miss Conrad." Then he turns and says, "Miss Baker, I can tell you three things. First, you have not studied. Second, you have a dirty mind. Third, you are going to suffer a grave disappointment."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife is in hospital with unknown condition
So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.
'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have s**... with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.
Husband nods and goes back to his wife.
'Honey, what did the doctor say? ' wife is anxious to find out.
'He said you're going to die soon'...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce
at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a p**... My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.
"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."
The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
The Captain of a warship is awoken by one of his officers
The Officer yells,
"Sir there is an enemy ship on the horizon!"
The Captain is quiet for a moment and then says,
"Bring me my red shirt."
The Officer is surprised by this,
"Your red shirt sir?"
The Captain nods,
"yes, so if I am wounded in battle the men shall not notice!"
They win the day and sink the enemy, but the next morning the Officer awakens the Captain again,
"Sir the entire enemy fleet is on the horizon!"
The Captain is quiet for a moment then in a soft voice he says,
"bring me my brown pants."
Dinner
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...
They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a b**... somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"
An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".
After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.
"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.
"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."
The granddaughter nods "mm-hmm" and begins typing:
"Pie-romancer."
A woman walks into a convenience store...
"I need four D batteries," she says.
The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"
Man's best friend
Another roughly translated joke from my native language
A man spends most of his day working, so he teaches his dog a thing or two about communication, so he could check on his wife while he was at work.
So, he sits the dog down, and teaches him, "Woof is for yes, woof woof is for no." The dog nods its head.
The next day, he calls its dog on the phone, and asks it,
"Is my wife home?"
"Woof!"
"Is she in the kitchen?"
"Woof, woof!"
"Is she in the bedroom?"
"Woof!"
"Is she alone?"
"Woof, woof!"
"What is she doing?"
"eh eh eh eh eh"
Two nuns are out for a stroll...
... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I guy goes into a bar ... (old joke)
he sits down at the bar and orders a beer the only person in the bar was a old man at the end of the bar.
the bartender brings the guy the beer then asks the old man "hey j**..., you want another beer?" the old man just nods.
the first guy orders another beer and when he does the bartender asks the old man "hey j**... you want another beer?" the old man just nods.
the bartender went to get the beers and the guy goes up to the old man and asks " why do you let him talk to you like that?"
the stuttering old mans says "he aw, he aw, he always calls me that"
So, a physicist finds themselves conversing with their god
"God, " they inquired, "how does time work for you?"
God replies, "Everything is a part of me. To compare, 1 of your minutes is but a billionth of 1 of my own."
The physicist thinks for a bit and then queries further, "God, do you use such a scale for everything?"
God nods, "Yes, as all things are part of me."
At this the physicist grins, "If that's the case, could you spare a dollar?"
God grins back, "I'd be happy to, but you'll need to wait a minute."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
A Blonde Goes On A Diet
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
A boy and his mom went for a walk...
The boy sees two dogs going at it. The boy asked his mom what are they doing?
O they are just making a puppy, dear! The boy nods and they walk home. Later that night the boy hears weird noises coming from his parents room and gets up to investigate.
He opens the door and sees his dad on top of his mom and asked Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?!
We are making a baby. The boy thinks for a moment and finally says
Well, flip her over! I want a puppy!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The beautiful wife
One day a man walks up to his wife with a question. "Honey, why are you both so beautiful and so s**...?"
She responds: "Well, god made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me."
The man nods.
"And he made me so s**... so that I would be attracted to you."
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp
An Irishman is walking along and trips over a genie's lamp. The genie pops out and says "I will give you three wishes"
Irishman says "I want to live forever"
Genies nods and says "It is done. You will live forever"
Irishman says "I want a mug of beer that never runs out"
Genie nods and a bottomless beer mug appears in the guy's hand. Genie says "You have one more wish to use"
Irishman says "This is great! Gimme another one of these mugs"
An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.
The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man's wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.
What's happening?
It's nothing, just an allergy. This happens all the time, the first cop says.
But someone died, the owner replies.
The second cop retorts Yeah, it's just another nut case.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Mikey
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, That's i**..., my boy.
-
OK, nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, Grandpa, that's not right. I've just spoken to mom and she said that it's not called i**... but a bunk bed!
