Nodded Jokes
57 nodded jokes and hilarious nodded puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nodded that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Nodded Short Jokes
Short nodded jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nodded humour may include short nodding jokes also.
- Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?" - A lawyer walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served... - A blacksmith said to his new helper, "You see this piece of iron? When I nod my head, you hit it as hard as you can with your hammer." Those were his last words.
- A Greek man goes to a tailor to get some pants mended. The tailor takes one look at the pants and goes "Euripides?" The man nods. "Yeah. Eumenides?"
- Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head. Must say, I'm inclined to agree.
- A horse walks into a bar. The bartender nods at the horse and says "Hey"
The horse says "Sure, I'll have some of that" - Two men park next to each other in a parking lot. Each man eyes the others' car and nods.
"Honda, eh? Good make." says the first man.
"Agreed," said the other. "We seem to have an Accord." - A beekeeper said he wanted to train his hives to work with stitching and rope. I asked him if he really thought that would work, and he nodded and said May bee sew, may bee knot
- Two nuns are riding their bikes through a scenic cobbled street… One turns to the other smiling and asks Have you ever come this way before? The other nodded and said It's the cobblestones!
Share These Nodded Jokes With Friends
Nodded One Liners
Which nodded one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nodded? I can suggest the ones about nods and shrugged.
- What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
- Nodding It has its ups and downs.
- Why do ducks nod their head when they walk? They're listening to duckstep!
- I was so tired during Hunger Games, I was nodding as much as Phillip Seymour Hoffman
- I was getting a haircut. The barber asked ''Is that good?'' I nodded. It wasn't.
Hilarious Fun Nodded Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about nodded you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grinned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nodded pranks.
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...
I moved over and asked her why she was crying.
"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.
I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."
I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."
"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."
-----
Steve Wright
Guilty and Depression!
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For Pete's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Three Muslim women are sitting talking...
The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a s**... bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The first woman shook her head sadly. "Kids these days. They blow up so fast."
A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?
I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.
Today's Top Joke
Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Daddy, did you ever eat cat food when you were little?
"Yeah, but it didn't taste very good." She smiled and nodded, "I know, it taste like dog food."
*A recent conversation I had with my daughter*
Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church
when the pastor noticed him.
"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.
"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.
The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."
The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"
A woman accidently used glue for lubricant...
After she told her best friend about the mix up, the friend said: "This story stays between us, the less people that know about this the better."
The woman nodded in agreement... "Yeah that's right, my lips are sealed."
Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.
Once we asked him if he knew what a s**... tape was.
He nodded thoughtfully. s**... tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold...
I nodded knowingly. It's the early signs of typothermia.
cow herd holding a meeting to trap poachers.....
cow head: moo moo moo moo moo moo moo.
cow herd: moo moo moo
all nodded in unison: a pen.
Vegas Disappointment
I came back from Vegas and my buddy asked me how it was. I said, "You know those places with the signs that say 'All n**... inside'?" He nodded. I said, "Apparently, that's only if you work there."
A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…
The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play s**... poker?"
The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."
When I was a kid, I asked my dad what "gay" meant
He told me it meant "happy," but he could tell the answer didn't sit right with me.
I explained "the kids at school told me it's when a guy has s**... with another guy."
He nodded and shrugged. "Yeah, it's the only thing that makes me happy."
Macduff was on his deathbed.
He called on his good friend, Macleod, to visit him before he died. "Macleod," he said, "take that bottle of whisky on the bedside table. It's a Macallan 1951, brewed the year I was born. You'll never find a finer Scotch. When I am buried, I want you to pour it on my grave."
Macleod nodded solemnly, and then asked,
"Can I filter it through my kidneys first?'
A man told his girlfriend...
A man told his girlfriend: "The world is flat, babe!
She nodded in disbelief: "No it's not, silly!
He continued, laughing: "Babe, You're my world!
My Father Taught Me About Electricity.
He began punching me on the arm, one punch a second. I jumped back, and shouted,
"Ow! That hurts!"
He nodded, and went, "yeah, exactly."
\*Note: This really happened.
Why did the Massachusetts driver use their blinker while turning?
It wasn't on purpose, he just nodded off.
My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.
For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
I asked my wife of 25 years if she'd still love me if I didn't have any money.
She thought about it and nodded with a smile. "Yes, of course I still would love you. I would *MISS* you, but still love you."
Two lions spoke at a f**......
First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."
Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"
I took a hitchhiker.
After some time, he asked me:
"Do you take hitchhikers often?"
I nodded my head.
Then he asked: "Aren't you afraid, that one of them will be a serial killer?"
"No, I am not afraid," I answered, "There's only a very small probability, that two serial killers meet in one car."
A priest was invited to attend a house party
.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a s**... nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, You may not feel anything from the waist down. I nodded and groaned, "I understand."
So I felt her b**...…
I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.
While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.
I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.
After a few minutes, his mother came and saw him finishing the burger.
She got real angry and started shouting.
"Who is the s**... person who gave him this burger. I drove 20 miles to get him tested on an empty stomach."
I
JUST
RAN.
I got sick in a small hotel in Madrid.
I called to the front desk and they said they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said: "No one expects te spanish inn physician. "
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, now you can follow me over to Target."
My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.
I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
This morning I told my wife, The only thing I don't like about robes is that you can't p**... in them . She nodded her head understandingly.
I said, Yeah the pockets are just too small.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.
Two monks werewere discussing humility.
"I have been praying and fasting, meditating and studying religion for 20 years. I have finally reached the level of humility. I am truly a nothing." said one monk.
The other monk nodded gravely. "I too have spent my life devoted to serving God. I am also a nothing."
At that moment a janitor passed, holding his mop. Overhearing the conversation, and feeling quite spiritual, he interrupted. "You know what, i am also a nothing."
The monks looked away in disgust. "Who the h**... does he think he is to be a nothing???"
A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp
The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet?" "Yes" said the genie. "Are you sure? All of them?" The genie said "Yes" one more time. Then the Democrat said "I guess I'll just have a glass of water then."
A priest was preaching one Sunday.
"The sermon that I'm going to preach today is about honesty"
Everyone nodded.
"Before I begin, I would like all those who have read Matthew chapter 29 verse 15 to raise their hands"
More than half the people raised their hand.
"That is very unfortunate to see as there is only 28 chapters in the book of Matthew"
A group of tourists were enjoying sushi at a restaurant in Japan.
Having never eaten sushi before, one woman asked the chef if he would suggest the best way of eating it.
He nodded, and replied Let me shoyu.
A man went to the doctor…
A man went to see his doctor. The Doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, I have pain in my a**... . The Doctor inquired, where ? The man stated, at the entrance. The Doctor nodded and said, as long as you keep calling it an entrance, you're going to have pain there.
Went to a Pentecostal church recently
And was sitting there as the pastor approached and told me, You will walk today. I told him, I'm not crippled. He leaned in and insisted, You WILL walk today! I simply nodded. But when I went to the parking lot, I saw someone had stolen my truck.
How Old
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said.
"Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."
A man that can't talk goes to the doctor
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke. Employee asks kids "Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?"
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed and other dad's nodded approvingly.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and screamed, "I have a complaint."
The Librarian looked up at her and asked, "How can I help you?"
The blonde answers, "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."
The Librarian in a puzzled tone, asks, "What was wrong with it?"
To that, the blonde replies, "It had way too many characters and there was no plot."
The Librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...
"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."
The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."
The priest nodded and then raised an eyebrow. "Twice a week? That's got to be pretty expensive!"
"Not at all," said the old man. "She goes out on Thursdays, and I go out on Sundays."
Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said you sure? . He nodded yes…
Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I'm like what happened?! He repeated his order I want 4 tea 2 coffee …
A Zen novice called for an electrician.
Upon arrival at the monk's apartment, the electrician asked how he could be of assistance.
"I'm having trouble with this brand-new lamp that I just bought," the novice said. "I've tested the outlet, I've flipped every switch, and I still can't get it to work."
The electrician examined the lamp, then nodded his head. "Well, this lamp has a built-in clapper, see?"
"'Clapper?'" the novice repeated.
The electrician nodded again, then clapped his hands... and the novice was enlightened.
A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman
"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.
"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."
The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."
The old lady smiled and nodded. "You're probably right."
Doctors
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.
A f**... was being held for a man, and someone went up to the widow and said...
"I would like to say a word."
The widow nodded, and the man went on stage and said, "Plethora."
He then left the stage.
The widow stopped him as he walked by and said, Thanks, that means a lot."
