nod Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nod puns

The blacksmith hires an apprentice

He instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith

👍🏼

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice

His new apprentice was willing to work long, hard hours.

One day he instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new village blacksmith.

👍🏼

Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.

They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.

So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.

Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.

Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."

👍🏼

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

discussing which people are their favorite to operate on.

The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why.

"Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabetical order."

The other two slowly nod in agreement.

"My favorite kind of patients are electricians," the second blurts out.

"Why?" the others ask in tandem.

"All of their innards are grouped together and color coded."

All three nod before all eyes fall on the third surgeon.

The third muses for a moment before he says, "Lawyers."

"Lawyers?" the other two ask incredulously.

"Yup, they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

👍🏼

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.

The first bat goes, and 30 minutes later he returns with blood dripping from his teeth. The others ask what happened, and he says, "See that stone house across the hill," The other two nod, "Well, I went inside and there was a very heafty women asleep in her chambers, ripe for the picking."

Impressed, the second bat goes off, and 30 minutes later, he returns with blood splatered across his face. The other ask what happened, and he says, "See that moated mansion over there," They nod, "Well there was a banquet inside, and by the time they realized what was happening to the guests, I was long gone."

Not wanting to lose the competition, the third bat goes off, and 30 minutes later he returns, his body dripping, wing to wing, with blood. The others, shocked, asked him what happened, and he says, "See that spiked wall castle across the hill," the others had to look quite far into the distance, but eventually nodded and said they saw it. "Well," the bat replies, "I didn't."

👍🏼

East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Unfortunately, the inebriated fellow seemed to take the nod as a sign to continue his skill. He attempts a roundhouse kick, that nearly causes him to fall over but he catches himself on a table.
After he regains his balance he slurs, "That was Tai Kwan Do from Japan." The now frustrated gentleman nods again and attempts to claim his own beverage; but the drunk, apparently not done demonstrating, stops him with a hand on his shoulder.
Tired of the irritating patron, the man pulls away angrily.
The drunk taking offense says, "Hey now, you don't want to mess with a fella like me."
The man, now angry says, "Let's take this outside."

*3 minutes later*

The man returns without the drunk, sits down, and orders a beer. The barkeeper, having witnessed the affair, asks, "What happened?"

The man took a long drink before replying, "Tell that asshole when he wakes up, that was a crowbar from Sears."


(I am well aware of the inaccuracy of the origins of the Martial Arts. He's drunk, and an idiot.)

👍🏼

THE BAT BET

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

👍🏼

A Navajo woman asked me about a box of chocolates...

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

👍🏼

Three Nuns cross the road...

They get hit by a bus, die and go to heaven.
They reach the pearly gates and St. Peter is there waiting for them.
As they line up, St. Peter says "Right ladies, in order for you to get into heaven you must answer a question each." The Nuns nod and agree.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks "Who was the first man on earth?" the first nun replies "That's easy, Adam!"
"Correct, collect your wings and halo and come on in"

St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Easy!" replies the nun "Eve."
"Correct collect your wings and halo and in you go"

St.Peter then turns to the last nun and says "Now this question is a little more difficult, since you are mother superior"

The nun says "Fire away I'm ready"

"OK, what did Eve say to Adam on the first night they met?"

The nun looking puzzled, says "Hmmmmm now that's a hard one."

St. Peter replies "Correct! collect your wings and halo and in you go!"

👍🏼

It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.

Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.

A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"

👍🏼

Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:


'Good trade.'

👍🏼

A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were all sitting together on a park bench...

...The sadist said "hey, I got an idea. Why don't we get a cat and torture it?" The rapist replied "yeah, we can torture it and have sex with it after!" The murder enthusiastically chimed in "and then we kill the thing!" and the necrophiliac added "yeah, and have sex with again after it's dead!" They all nod in agreement, and turn to the masochist, who looks at them all and says "Meow."

👍🏼

Two priests are driving when then get pulled over...

Two priests are driving when then get pulled over.
The police officer walks up to the driver, he rolls down the window.
"Oh, I'm sorry to bother you fathers, we just happen to be looking for a couple of pedophiles" said the cop.
The priests look at each other, nod then the driver says to the cop "alright, we'll do it".

👍🏼

AZ Hitchhiker

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....'

👍🏼

An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park...

... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him.
They all nod and say:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

👍🏼

An old blacksmith ...

... realised that soon he would not be able to work so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

👍🏼

A man joins a monastery...

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. Cold floors, he says. They nod and send him away, bringing him warm mats and rugs to pray and lie on. Seven more years pass, They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, Bad food. They nod and send him away, giving him finer bread and fish for every meal. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. I quit, he says. That's not surprising, the elders say. You've done nothing but complain since you got here.

👍🏼

A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell...

The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses:

"Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat."

His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says:

"Or we could fuck it, and then kill it!"

The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinning, says:

"How about: we fuck the cat, we kill it, and then we fuck it again!"

They all cheer, and the pyromaniac adds:

"Even better: we can fuck the cat, then kill it, fuck it again, and then BURN it!"

Curious, the group turns to the masochist who was still silent. The pyromaniac, who was the last to speak, asks:

"So, what about you? What else do you think we could do to the cat?"

Instead of a reply, the masochist looks them all dead in the eyes and says "meow".

👍🏼

A pedophile spots two 12 year old girls walking in the forest

He approaches them and says:

'I'll give you a lollipop each if you let me pet your hair!'

The two girls glance at each other, shrug, then nod. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently strokes their hair.

'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me carress your shoulders!' says the pedophile.

The girls look at each other again, shrug, and say 'Okay'. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently carresses their shoulders.

'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me pet your backs!' says the pedophile.

The girls look at each other again, and one says to the other:

'By the time this guy gets to screwing us, we'll get diabetes!'

👍🏼

A crippled war veteran was walking down the street...

... and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk.

As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, "Vietnam. 40 years back."

The other man replies, "Dog shit. 40 feet back."

👍🏼

Day after a bachelor party... (NSFW)

Three buddies go to a friend's bachelor party, and the next day they all meet up for lunch. Joe says
"Guys, I was so wasted last night, I got home and tried to fuck the vacuum cleaner. Now I have a giant hickey on my nuts!" The others nod in sympathy. Chris says
"I was so hammered, I went in my neighbors house by accident and started punching him because I thought he broke in. I have a court date next week." The others murmur appreciatively. Pete says
"I was so trashed, I got home and blew chunks. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me." The others blink in astonishment.
"Really? Just because you threw up?" Pete shakes his head.
"No, Chunks is my girlfriend's dog."

👍🏼

10 guys are sitting around watching the news,

10 guys are sitting around watching the news:

"... and new research says that one in 10 men are gay..."

Tom pipes up, "Wow, there's 10 of us here, so one of us might be gay?"

Peter says "I'll bet it's Kevin. He's really hot." and all the guys nod along.

And Joe says "Yeah, it's definitely Kevin. His dick always tastes like shit."

👍🏼

A chinese couple, new parents, visit their doctor. "We're a little concerned about our son", the mother says...

..."He looks, well, caucasian!". The doctor has a look and agrees. " I see what you mean. Two wongs don't make a white". The parents nod. "By the way, what's his name?". The doctor asks. The father replies "Sum Ting Wong".

👍🏼

Instruction

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad: When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil, and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

👍🏼

A Jew, Chinaman, American and a Indian are sitting around a table

... and they're all sipping on their bourbon. They're all very rich and they chinaman says " I think I will buy Apple. " And they all nod in approval save the jew.
Then the Indian says " I want to buy Google. " And they all nod in approval save the jew.
Then the American says " I want to buy Samsung " And they all nod in approval save the jew.

Then the jew shudders and says " sorry, not selling. "

👍🏼

Pirate Walks into a bar...

Bartender says - "Hey Pirate..." The Pirate walks over to the barkeep, and gives him a nod. The bartender says, "I don't mean to embarass you, but I noticed you've got a steering wheel attached to your crotch." The pirate looks down and says "ArrrH I know, and it be drivin me nuts!"

👍🏼

Girlfriend broke up with me for being handsome with long hair...

On her way out she says, you're always lion . All I could do was nod in agreement.

👍🏼

They say religion is the opiate of the masses

Makes sense, because when I go to church I nod off...

(This is actually a joke I made up. Thought I'd share)

👍🏼

Why do ducks nod their head when they walk?

They're listening to duckstep!

👍🏼

Chatty Monk-A fine joke...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says, "That's not surprising," the elders say, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

👍🏼

Two horses are talking...

And one of them says to the other:
"Fuck, my ass is sore again. This always happens after the races.".
"Oh really?" The other asks. "You know, I have the same problem.".
"Really?".
"Yes. Every time. Sore as hell.".
The first horse thinks for a second. "I wonder why it is?" He asks.
They both ponder. After a few minutes the second horse gets an idea.
"It must be." He says. "Because we run so fast for so long, that our muscles get tired and become sore.".
"That must be it!" The first horse exclaims. Both nod and look satisfied.
A dog that happens to be passing overhears their conversation and has to correct to them:
"You stupid fucking horses, your asses aren't sore because your muscles are worn, it's because you're getting whipped during the race!".
The first horse looks to the other horse.
"Check it out, a talking dog."

👍🏼

A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a park bench...

When all of a sudden a young boy passes by. He gives a polite smile to the two, followed by a head nod and begins to skip away.
The priest gives a slight nudge with his elbow to otherwise bemused rabbi and says "Ay, wouldja lookit that! Wouldn't cha wanna fuck 'em."
Without skipping a beat the rabbi looks over and shouts "sure. Out of what?"

👍🏼

[NSFW] An Australian, a Greek man, and a New Zealander walk into a brothel....

The madam tells them of the special for the day.

"You can have one of my ladies do anything, ANYTHING, you like for only $5 but only if you can ask for it in three words"

The Australian walks up to a gorgeous blonde girl and says

"suck my dick"

The madam gives a nod of approval collects his money and off they go.

The Greek man finds a beautiful dark haired woman and says

"in the ass"

The madam raises an eyebrow, smirks, collects his money and off they go.

The New Zealander walks up to a stunning red haired woman and says

"paint my house"

👍🏼

What did the Kyptonian cheerleading coach say to the unenthusiastic yes-man?

Zeal before nod!

👍🏼

What the best way to get drugs from a Scottish dealer?

Walk up to him, nod and say 'ken fit a mean?'

👍🏼

What are the most funny Nod jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nod? Well, here are the best Nod dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nod pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes