Nobody Likes Jokes
134 nobody likes jokes and hilarious nobody likes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nobody likes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Nobody Likes Short Jokes
Short nobody likes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nobody likes humour may include short nobody asked jokes also.
- I'm currently in a love triangle I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.
- The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
- To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"
- A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
- Women are like parking spaces... Normally, the good ones are taken so occasionally, when nobody is looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
- Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed But after a while, it tends to grow on you.
- I like my jokes like I like my broken mailboxes. Promptly reposted and hopefully nobody notices.
- I was going to post a joke about Sodium, but... ...I was like Na, nobody would understand.
- Twilight's like soccer Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
- When I feel like I have nobody to talk to... I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.
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Nobody Likes One Liners
Which nobody likes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nobody likes? I can suggest the ones about no one cares and unpopular.
- Virginity is like a car Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either
- Women are like a box of chocolates I'm always stuck with the one's nobody wants.
- Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite.
- Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space? Because nobody liked it on earth.
- Nobody upvotes cake day jokes anymore I feel like I've been desserted
- Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor? Because nobody likes an electricity bill.
- Google+ is like the gym of social networking. We all join it, but nobody uses it.
- What do jellybeans and the human race have in common Nobody likes the black ones
- The EU is like a box of chocolates; Nobody likes the Turkish.
- I've just released my own fragrance. But nobody on this bus seems to like it.
- My Grandma's like the Moon... Nobody's cared about visiting her for 40 years.
- Words are like Babies Nobody cares until you start throwing them.
- They say love is like drugs, which makes sense to me. Because nobody ever offered me any.
- Why does nobody like the element Bi? Because he's all up in your bismuth.
- Reddit is kinda like Instagram, I hate to say Nobody cares unless you show your cake
Nobody Likes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about nobody likes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean said no one ever jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nobody likes pranks.
Why is i**... i**... in northern Europe?
Because nobody likes an uneven Finnish.
My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.
I thought, that's such a blanket statement.
Twilight is like the world cup.
They run around for a couple of hours, nobody scores, and millions of fans claim you don't understand.
Small p**... are like iPhones with cracked screens...
They serve their purpose but nobody really wants one.
A man looking for work
A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"
A Canadian in New York
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
what is big data ?
College professor asks students , " There is so much so going on about big data right now so What is big data ?"
John responds , " Sir, its like teenage s**.... Nobody quite understand it, everybody says know how to do it and claims to have done it and tell stories about how amazing was it everyday"
A man walks into a bar...
and sits down.
There is nobody else in the place except him and the bartender. He orders a drink and the bartender goes off to make it.
While he is sitting there he hears a voice say " Nice shoes". The man looks around and finds nobody around. He shakes his head and continues to wait for his drink.
Right away another voice says " Great shirt". Now the man gets up and gives a quick look around the bar. Still nobody around.
As soon as he sits back down he hears another voice say "Love your hair"
Now the guy is freaked out. The bartender comes back and places his drink down. The guy says " I have been hearing these voices. They were saying things like " Nice shoes, Great shirt and love your hair". I think I am losing my mind!
The bartender gives a quick chuckle as he points to a full pale on the bar. He says " Its the peanuts! They are complimentary"
A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-a**....
I'm going to change my Facebook username to NOBODY.
So when people make c**... posts and I like them, it will say "NOBODY likes this."
A geneticist was unhappy with the result when he spliced potato DNA with that of his own g**....
Nobody likes dictators
Why are there no casinos in France?
Because nobody likes Toulouse.
You remind me of Monday...
Because nobody likes you
A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...
She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"
Girls at parties are like parking spaces...
If you show up late, all the good ones are taken. So when nobody's looking, you put it in a handicapped one.
Women are alot like continents.
At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- v**... territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she's like Australia- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
Tracy said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Cathy. "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Have you heard the one about the failed Swedish car company?
I'd tell it to you, but nobody likes a Saab story.
Why does nobody like eating with Lionel?
Because he is a Messi eater!
A guy gets a phone call
from a girls he likes. She says "Come over, nobody's home!"
So he goes over, and nobody's home.
They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening.
But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.
Why is Windows 10 like a moody teenager?
Because nobody gets it.
Drunk s**... is like a wnba game.
It lasts 2 hours and nobody comes.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it
Suddenly he heard a voice...
"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*
"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*
"I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."
Nobody ever explained similes to me;
I honestly cannot tell you what it has been like.
I lost my watch at a party.
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
Trump is like Hurricane Matthew
The media is talking about it nonstop. Nobody knows how bad it's going to be, but you can't help shake your head at the Floridan who ignores the warning.
A woman said to me, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brad Pitt?"
I said, "No, nobody."
She said, "They've clearly never seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."
Why does nobody like Tigger?
Because he plays with Pooh.
Baby metamorphosis
I feel like nobody names their baby Craig. One day, around age 35, the baby just becomes Craig.
that is all
The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...
... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,
"We did, but nobody liked it."
A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...
Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".
The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".
"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.
My s**... life is like looking for a parking spot...
The best ones are always taken and when nobody looks I'll just take the disabled one.
A little girl is painting a picture and her mom asks what she's painting...
The girl says,"I'm painting a picture of God."
The mom says,"Nobody knows what God looks like."
The girl says,"Well, if you'll let me finish..."
Parking slots are just like women
You can slip into the disabled ones when nobody's looking.
Political opinions are like d**.......
Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.
Told my son to live every day like it was his last.
Nobody can pull him out of that hospital bed.
s**... with my wife last night was like my eleventh birthday party.
Nobody came.
Ten reasons why hockey is better than women
1: In hockey, everyone likes rough.
2: You only get 5 minutes for fighting.
3: Puck is not a dirty word.
4: You don't have to play in the neutral zone.
5: It is possible to score a few times a night.
6: When you "pull the goalie," nobody gets pregnant.
7: Missing teeth doesn't stop you from scoring.
8: You can always get new wood if your stick breaks.
9: The Zamboni cleans up your mess.
10: Periods last twenty minutes!
I'm like a legend:
Nobody believes in me.
Hipsters like to do things that nobody else has done.
If only s**... wasn't a thing.
I'm like Microsoft Edge
Nobody likes me, but I'm edgy
Virginity is like a car
if you keep it for more than 25 years, nobody will want to take it.
Guys d**... are like parking spots
Nobody likes the small ones.
What does anonymity smell like?
Nobody nose
Right to Ignore
Being president is like running a cemetery: You've got a lot of people under you, and nobody's listening.
Bill Clinton
s**... is like parking a car
every now and then, when nobody is looking, you have to slip it in a disabled one.
If you love someone, you should set them free. If they come back...
...it means nobody else liked them.
Set them free again.
Belgian metal
I came up with a joke about the Belgian metal scene but nobody liked it. It went down like a lead Walloon.
Daddy, why do people hang horses
"Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"I just heard mommy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.
What do XXXTentacion and h**... have in common?
Nobody liked their work until they died.
Building an AI is like teenage s**...
- Everyone talks about it.
- Nobody really knows how to do it.
- Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
- So everyone claims they are doing it.
That's a lot of zeros
An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:
"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.
Then he composes himself and says:
Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
Obesity runs in my family.
An obese woman goes to the doctor. The doctor prescribes diet and exercise. The woman says, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My sister is obese. My brother is obese. My aunts are obese. Obesity runs in my family. " The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
I wanted to post a joke about sodium ...
But I was like Na nobody's going to get it.
A man and a woman get stuck in an elevator and after a long time, it seems there is nobody to come to their rescue.
Desperate, the woman whispers: "Oh when this is the end, please let me really feel like a woman, for a last time."
The man immediately tears off his shirt,............
....
throws it to the ground and yells:
"Wash and iron, and hurry up!"
Then there was that lady at the party and she was so fat that everyone looked at her, but nobody said anything about her figure.
It felt like there was an elephant in the room.
(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread
Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.
(My grandpa who passed away last year, famous joke) Why should you always keep your tools out of the rain?
Because nobody likes a rusty h**...
I really don't like swearing during s**....
Nobody likes to hear that sort of language from a child.
Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?
Nobody likes p**... Inoculations.