Nobody Asked Jokes

A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse.

As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."

One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart.

The clerk told him to have a nice day.
The next day the clerk was found dead.
The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why.
He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

Yesterday I was at the hairdresser to cut my hair.

The cutting of the hair costs 3 Euros but I had only 1 Euro.
So I have asked the hairdresser if she will cut my hair also for 1 Euro?
She said yes, so I was glad.
Ok, it is not perfect, one side of my head is cut a little bit more than the other one, maybe I look a bit weird, but nobody is perfect.

h**... and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and h**... tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.
one of the two people hear this and asks h**... "Why kill the mechanic?"
h**... turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

This is a story about four people

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody
wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

h**... in a bar

A.man walks into a bar and sees h**... there.
He goes up to h**... and asks "So how many people have you killed?"
h**... says "I have killed 6 million Jews and 2 clowns "
The man replies "Why did you kill 2 clowns?"
h**... replies "See nobody cares about the Jews"

what is big data ?

College professor asks students , " There is so much so going on about big data right now so What is big data ?"
John responds , " Sir, its like teenage s**.... Nobody quite understand it, everybody says know how to do it and claims to have done it and tell stories about how amazing was it everyday"

So h**... walks into a bar...

and he asks the bartender, "and I'm going to kill six million Jews and one clown." The bartender replies, "why are going to kill one clown?". h**... said "See! nobody cares about the Jews!".

A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents

When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shrugged, flapped his arms, and flew away.

A man comes into jail the first time in life...

On the first day in the shower a huge hairy guy full of muscles comes out of the fog right to him :"You're my new wife now. Let's get it on."
The man looks all around but theres nobody who'll help him and he surrenders in fear of what might come.
"With or without spit?" asks the big hairy man. The first-timer answered "When I have to: with spit" The big man turns around and yells into the showers: "Yo Spit, he says you can come too."

The teacher asks the little girl "what are you drawing?"

"God", replies the girl.
"But, nobody knows what God looks like."
"You'll find out in a minute"
Cr

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his...

...father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."

Was talking religion over at a Chinese restaurant with some friends when...

one friend pondered if there were any Chinese Jews.. Nobody at the table had ever heard of one so we decided to ask our server. We called him over and inquired if he knew of any any Chinese Jews.,. He looked a little perplexed and said he would go and ask his manager. He returned some minutes later declaring that to his knowledge there were no Chinese Jews.. He only knew of Orange, Pineapple and Cranberry....

Two finns are in a bar

and one asks "How are you doing?" nobody answers, then he asks again "What's about your life?" nothing happens so he asks "How's your family?"and the other stands up and shout "Are you here to talk or are you here to drink!?"

A father says to his blonde, teenage daughter one day "honey I thought I asked you to wash the car like 10 times today"...

She replies "I swear I was going to, but I called a hundred different places and nobody has this Elbow Grease that you told me to use !!"

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

Tracy said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Cathy. "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Ran Into h**...

I ran into h**.... I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to. He said, This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!
I replied, Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?
He replied, See? Nobody cares about zee Jews.

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar...

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
t**... :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one t**... says to the other,
"See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people

Someone asked me, "How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?"

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you?"

Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

Two terrorists in a bar

Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?"
t**...: "We are planning to kill five hundered people and a goat."
Waiter: "Why a goat?"
The first t**... says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundered people."

What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

Are you vegan?

So they've finally got h**... in court..

And the Judge says to him, "Adolf, if you were given a chance to change anything about what you've done, what would you do?"
h**... replies, "Well first I'd kill a few million more Jews, and then I'd kill a clown."
With a contorted face the Judge asks, "Why would you kill a clown?"
h**... says, "See--nobody cares about the Jews."

A man farts in public in a small city...

He is so embarrassed that he leaves the city. 10 years later he thinks well, it has been a long time and nobody remembers what I did... It's time to go back home. He is back and meets a kid. Asks him how old he is. The kid answers I don't know but everybody says that I was born the same year Joe f**....

A girl with a peg leg goes to her high school dance...

And she is slowly walking around, sad that nobody wanted to dance with her. Right before she was about to leave a boy with a wooden eye walks up and asks her to dance. To which she replies
"Would I! Would I!"
The boy is angered anD snaps back at her.
"Peg Leg! Peg Leg!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, when suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!"

The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day...

... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,
"We did, but nobody liked it."

A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...

Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".
The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".
"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.

An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel

When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well.
"What happened?" his friend asked.
"Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated."
"That sounds great! Why didn't it work?"
"Nobody told me they read right to left!"

A little girl is painting a picture and her mom asks what she's painting...

The girl says,"I'm painting a picture of God."
The mom says,"Nobody knows what God looks like."
The girl says,"Well, if you'll let me finish..."

Pull the cord

I saw this talking muslim doll in the toy store and asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.
'Dunno', he said, 'nobody dared to pull the cord so far'

I was rather taken aback when my Hispanic friend asked me something, because...

nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!

Did you hear about the Horse who won the Lotto?

Nobody has. When they asked if he had the winning ticket he only told them "Nay"

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

I used to smoke w**... and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a b**... excuse. Slink down low at my desk. pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

I went to the bar today and asked the bartender to make me an Orange Cheeto...

"I've never heard of that," he replies.
"Well, nobody really knows what it's made of," I reply, "but I've heard it's heavily influenced by a White Russian."

Why did nobody ever ask Zeno Of Elea for directions?

He always said, "You can't get there from here."

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house

A poor farmer came to the Parliament house in New Delhi to meet with an officer. He kept his bicycle near the high walls of the building and proceeded to the entrance.
The security guard came running towards him and hurriedly asked him to remove the bicycle.
This is a very prestigious place. High profile men, ministers and judges come here
The farmer innocently replied, I know that. I have locked my cycle, nobody can take it

One day a teacher asked her students to use geometry in a sentence

The teacher was baffled that nobody could come up with just one sentence, and finally asked one quiet student in the back to say one... The student looked at her and said:
Once there was a little acorn and it was planted in the ground and grew and grew until one day he awoke and said "gee I'm a tree!"

Asking for a friend...

Please, I am very lonely and have nobody to talk to but my parakeet, Humphrey.

Guy visits his friend in prison

and sees them yelling out numbers and laughing hysterically. He asks his friend why they do this, to which his friend replies, "we've all been here so long that we give numbers to all the jokes, and just say the number instead of telling it. why don't you try?"
the guy gets up on a table and says "seven!"
nobody laughs. "what, seven isn't a funny joke?" he asks
his friend responds "nah, you just didn't tell it right."

A man was sitting alone at the bar

A man was sitting alone at a bar, and he kept hearing this whispering that said Hey nice shoes. He looked around and nobody was there. He heard You look nice today he looked around and still nobody was there. Then he finally asked the bartender Am I going crazy or did you hear that? and the bartender said, It's the peanuts. They're complementary

A skeleton walks into a bar and sees a depressed skeleton and asks what's wrong

He says I've got nobody

A young boy asks his dad "Dad, am I adopted"?

The father answers "No son, nobody wanted to take you."
I wanna kms.

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

I asked the librarian if the book on small p**... is in

"Of course it's in, nobody ever checks it out!"
A "little" spin on a common repost

People are asking if were should continue NoNutNov cause nobody can seem to make it.

My response, "KEEP TRI N!"
(tryin')

I asked people if gay conversion camps ever worked

but nobody ever gave me a straight answer.

Man 1: " I'm going to kill all the jews in the world and one clown." Man 2 asks "Why the clown?"

Man 1:" see.. Nobody cares about the jews."

(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.

I ran into h**....

I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to.
This time, I am going to kill 6 million Jews and 2 clowns!
Two clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?
See? Nobody cares about ze Jews!

A quiz just asked me what mythical creature I relate to..

So I chose unicorn because I'm bright, colourful, and nobody believes in me.

Breakups are the best excuse.

Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?
Just look sad and say: My girlfriend and I used to love going there...
Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.
Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?
Look sad and say: My girlfriend and I used to do SQL database backups...
Boom, no work!

I'm posing n**... for an art class this evening.

Nobody asked me to.
>!I think they're making ceramic bowls.!<

Trandlated a joke, hopefully nobody told it already

Johnny is walking around with his grandma.
He finds candy on the ground, he wants to pick it up, but his grandma tells him:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
They continue walking and Johnny finds 1$, but his grandma tells him again:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
Then his grandma slips and asks him:"Johnny, help me stand up" Johnny replied:"No, I don't pick up things from the sidewalk."

Only in math problems

can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the h**... is wrong with you

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.
Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".

A man is driving down a country road...

... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.
"Looks like your timing chain broke"
He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.
The man runs away scared and reaches a farm house about a mile down.
A farmer comes to the door and the man tells him what just happened. He tells him that horse spoke and told him the timing chain broke.
"What?" The farmer asks "wait, was it a brown horse with a white spot on his face?"
"Yes! That's the one!" The man replies.
Farmer: "oh don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything about cars"

A girl was studying French, and doing very well at it.

One day, she asked her teacher Do you know anything about Spanish? For I know everything there is to know about French, and I need a new language.
The teacher responded What a sudden change! And why would you possibly ask me, your French teacher? This was completely unexpected!
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

A girl in art class

A little girl was in art class. The teacher walked up to her and asked: What are you drawing? The little girl replied I'm drawing a picture of God. But nobody knows what God looks like! The teacher said. They will in a minute. the girl replied