No Regrets Jokes
122 no regrets jokes and hilarious no regrets puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about no regrets that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest No Regrets Short Jokes
Short no regrets jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The no regrets humour may include short regret jokes also.
- I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
- Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
- I regret joining the gym recently.. leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
- Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
- Deaf people aren't known to be very rational They have trouble making sound decisions.
- My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!" But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.
- I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted. I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.
- I regret joining a band with a turkey on drums. He usually forgets his drumsticks so he has to wing it.
- I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend. You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
- A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16. Nuttin the dad responds with a straight face.
Thanks Dad the son says as he gives the dad a hug.
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No Regrets One Liners
Which no regrets one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with no regrets? I can suggest the ones about remorse and no shame.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
- Jussie Smollett is deeply regretting what he did. He shouldn't beat himself up over it.
- Lost job and no money for buy potato.
Also is cold.
Regret immigrate to Detroit. - 'It's a boy!', I shouted..... .. and at that moment, I regretted visiting a Thai brothel.
- •••---•••. I regret that Remorse code
- 9/11 never forget 11/9 always regret
- England votes to leave the Euro cup Many express regret and want a rematch.
- We regret getting a Mac instead of a Dell. We could have had it all.
- What's a panda's biggest life regret? Never had a selfie in color.
- Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark? The woodpeckers.
- John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.
- What do you call the study of human regret? Anthroapology
- Recently came into some money. Instant regret, way too sticky.
- What was Hitlers only regret? Not working for Comcast.
No Regrets Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about no regrets you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean no doubt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make no regrets pranks.
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
Neil Armstrong's only regret while he was alive was that he forgot to take a selfie on the moon.
Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.
Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.
Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."
His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."
Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"
(My best friend's son came up with this, happy birthday Dave!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A p**... went to a priest...
feeling sad and regretful, she asked: "Father, I hate myself, I hate being a sinner, please tell me what is the first step to repent?"
he replied: "get your hand off my groin."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Harvard and a v**... have in common?
You try so hard to get in but 9 months later you regret you ever came.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
My surgeon friend that specialized in Augmentation Mammaplasty just died.
I regret not being there the moment he took his last breast.
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
Recently reconciled with my brother after a long conflict.
I apologised for slashing his tires, and he regretted breaking some of my home appliances.
But hey, it's all water under the fridge now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
KFC is like s**...; you regret it afterwards, you end up greasy and sweaty...
and I don't think parents should give it to their children.
A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.
Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."
I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....
My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret.
She's never going to play monopoly with me again!
A 65 year old actress with early Alzhiemer's got a Botox shot, and later regretted it.
She couldn't remember her lines.
I took my skateboard around my friend's house.
"Wanna see me kickflip?" I asked.
"No..." he sighed.
He really regrets naming his dog "Flip".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas these days is a lot like having s**...
the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
Santa probably regrets giving coal
Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
So an anti-vaxxer tells me that vaccines cause autism.
So I reply "Oh, so you've gotten vaccinated, then?"
~~Sorry if it's a terrible joke.~~
No regrets
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The kind of woman that ya make your wife.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Would it be wrong to give terminally ill children tattoos?
I mean... it's not like they'll grow up to regret them. :(
I became a vegetarian yesterday.
I regret it already, I guess you can say it was a missed steak.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A shabby looking Nun walks into a bar...
The barman takes one look at her, pulls out a shotgun and gives her both in the chest...
Aghast, I protest "Christ!? What the h**...'dya do that for?!"
With a look of regret he turns to me and whispers
"...bad habit."
I've been running around screaming at random people that I've lost my virginity.
I'm starting to regret naming my dog that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
What was the border patrol agent's greatest regret?
The Juan that got away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is a buffet like a s**... club?
You'll regret going to a cheap one.
Do you ever regret getting the chickenpox?
Yes, every shingle day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it.
She just doesn't know what j**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As Dumbledore stood there s**... his wand
Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School
My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge.
He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I'm at a bar
I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
What did Chris Brown's future girlfriend text him that she later regretted?
'Hit me up'
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was o**... bin Laden's biggest regret as a parent?
kids blow up so fast
A soldier's revenge after his SO broke up
A soldier serving in Afghanistan was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying,
"I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Trump walks into a bar and Is suprised to see the bartender is a genie
The genie says "what'll you have?" Trump says"give me something I'll regret in the morning" The genie gives him a conscience, empathy, and humility.
Early finish for me today so I rang the wife
and asked her if I should pick up fish and chips on the way home. She clearly still regrets letting me name the kids....
After years of searching for his missing journalist father, a man gets a call from the U.S. Embassy...
I regret to inform you that we've located your father's remains. They were found buried in a sack somewhere in Iraq.
Oh no! Baghdad?
Try to remember how he lived, not how he died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A n**... lady enters the costume party behind the turtle
She has nothing but a monkey covering her p**... area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call "the unwanted c**... that 300 million people will regret in future"?
My wife left me today
She said I am addicted to gambling. I give you 2:1 odds that she will regret it later.
So I found out this guy was literally throwing my throw pillows.
I really regret hiring him as my babysitter.
I'm going to be honest and admit that I have used my phone while driving.
But seriously, who hasn't done things they regret when they are hammered
My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.
The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my grandmother looked down to the ground, she started to regret taking the lessons. she said "Help, I've gotten up and I can't fall down."
People always say Hugs not Drugs
But whenever i call my dealer he calls me gay!
P.S: I regret nothing.
I regret getting a manager position at soda factory...
It's so-da-grading.
Celebrating too early is a bad idea. It usually goes wrong, and you will regret it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The sun is like a hot girl with a STD
It might be nice to be in it at first but later you might get itchy and regret it
I regret naming my daughter Alexa because of the popularity of the Amazon Echo. So we decided to change her name to something that will never be a popular word.
We're trying to pick between Cortana and Bixby
Sometimes I really do regret taking history and geography
Every time I'd enter the class room I would exclaim 'oh the humanities!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like w**..., money and a hint of regret.
It's called Elon Musk
I'm beginning to regret getting all those prosthetic limbs...
It cost me an arm and a leg!
George W. Bush found a magic lamp.
What do you want from me, mr. Bush? asks the genie.
I regret a lot of stuff. I just want people to see me as wise, rightful man.
And that was the moment when Trump won the election.
What do you call having pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Regret
I really regret getting a bigger air balloon for my business...
I have too much overhead now.
I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans
I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.
I really regret what I did in the capital of Thailand
Bangkok
A man tried to walk on water in Egypt
He regretted it, he was very in denile
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back.
I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."
I am a Latino pansexual with no regrets
Hot dog buns work ok, baguettes are good when they are hollowed out, and donuts were probably made for it.
So I don't know why my friend always is saying that I'm doing it wrong
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A young man at his wit's end called the s**... Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.
"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the s**... Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your s**... please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."
What does Elton John have after getting drunk at an Italian restaurant?
Penne and regrets
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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John didn't wear the mask
**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**
\- John, put on your mask!
*- No! It's harmful.*
\- John put it on, what are you doing?
*- I ignore the masks*
\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party looking like this again
**The end**